The Art of Being a F*ck Up - Chapter 8: Chapter 8

One good thing can be said about this monumentally bad idea—it's already been almost a month and Maddy and I haven't resorted to murdering each other with our bare hands yet. I won't pretend like it's been smooth sailing either, I think it's mostly our mutually beneficial arrangement that keeps this little experiment from imploding, even when she let's a sideways comment slip every now and then. As for me, I've been pretty good at just letting it go, because for all the reservations I had about getting involved with her again I can't deny the noticeable improvements I've seen since she started tutoring me.
That seems well worth having to grin and bare a stray bitchy remark, but mostly I'm just glad to have given Jonah back to himself so that he can actually focus on something that will make him happy. It was an awkward conversation, telling my boyfriend that me and the ex-girlfriend I cheated on with him were going to be spending a lot more time together, but he was very mature about it. He hates any second I have to be around her, and honestly who could blame him, but in the end we both agreed—in not so many words—that there weren't many other choices. I'll say it again, I'm not blind, I know he has to be relieved now, so I'm willing to do this for him.
"You need to focus, I didn't agree to do your homework for you, can you at least try to put in some effort?" A pair of fingers snap in front of my face, forcing me back into reality. It's a beautiful day, and even in late autumn the sun over here on the west coast still shines down warmly on Maddy and I as we sit sprawled out on the quad. There are so many things I'd much rather be doing right now—like Jonah—but she doesn't seem capable of appreciating that. "If you won't even try then I'm not going to waste my time."
"I am, see? I rechecked my equations like you said." I push my notebook across the ground towards her so she can check all the adjustments I made. I'm still struggling like always, that hasn't changed, and I don't think that Maddy or even Jonah could ever fix that. Now, though, with her helping me, it feels manageable, like instead of drowning I've learned to tread water.
"Better, you somehow got most of them right, but you know what I find funny? The rest of these are all mixed up, like this one here," she points to a spot on the paper, "you literally calculated everything correctly, but you switched around the numbers in the answer?"
"So?"
"So how is that even possible?"
"Maybe if you weren't rushing me there wouldn't be any mistakes." After I snatch the work back from her I start erasing it furiously. Of course she found all the mistakes she was diligently looking for, I can't help feeling as though she's rooting for me to fail. I am glad I did this for Jonah, don't get me wrong, and I do think it was the best choice given the circumstance, but it still sucks having to put myself through this when I've already been so low.
"Don't get snappy, I was only asking," Maddy mutters. This last month hasn't been any different than the one before, and all I want is to get through this thing with her, but she doesn't make it easy as she muses loudly to herself. "This reminds me of that time in tenth grade, you remember? We had that one teacher—god, what was her name—she was the worst. I'll never forget the look on your face when she yelled at you in front of the whole class and said you belonged in special ed."
"No, I don't remember that, but thank you for bringing it up." I lie through my teeth, embarrassed. Of all the things she could remember, it has to be something like that? When I think about Maddy I think about how she used to take ballet and loved to dance, about how happy she was doing cheer. There was plenty of bad stuff too, but also a lot of good, I guess I shouldn't have expected her to see any of that good in me after our breakup. "Can we get back to the homework though, please?"
"We could, but you haven't fixed any of your mistakes yet. Take another look," she waits, her gaze boring holes through me as I scour my work for whatever issues I'm supposed to be fixing. The pressure's on though and I fail to find my flaws, which is ironic, since I'm sure she'd say that's always been my problem. After I shrug and give up, pushing the paper away, she sighs loudly and tears the page out completely, crumpling it up. "Perfect, then we'll have to start all over again."
"You can't just tell me what I did wrong?" The unintentionally loaded question emerges more frustrated than I intended, and the corresponding look she offers suggests that the list of answers she keeps to it is endless. "I don't know what else you want me to do, I'm trying my best."
"Are you though? Because it sounds to me like you're making up excuses, and personally I'm not interested in hearing you whine about how you don't have enough time." It's not enough for her to humiliate me, she'll search out any chance she can find to make me hurt. "For real, I want to know how you've made it so far with an attitude like that—were you making Jonah do everything for you? Or have you just been cheating? We both know how good you are at that."
"Wow, so you want to go there?" My blood boils, but I'm not sure which part is more offensive—her dragging my boyfriend into this, or her absolute refusal to let anything go. The open flame between us threatens to spread out of control, and I have to remind myself again that one of us has to be the adult, so I try to diffuse her. "Look, we've already been through this, we were never going to work out anyway."
"No, yeah, obviously. You like it in the ass, that totally makes it okay to cheat." Maddy bites. I wish I knew why she hates me so much, if I did then maybe we could be something other than this. Like, I know I cheated and that was bad, so it makes sense that she's angry, but she's so much more than angry and I don't get why. I made a mistake, a stupid mistake because I was scared and hurting, yet instead of showing any kind of empathy, she treats me like I'm literally the worst person on earth. Regardless, she seems to realize the futility of an argument too, so she goes quiet, smacking her lips. "I don't care who you screw, alright? As long as you hold up your end of the deal."
"I said I would, didn't I?" I navigate the toxicity carefully, almost like treading water with her too. I'd be surprised if she believes anything that comes out of my mouth anymore, but I suppose she doesn't have much of a choice either. My personal feelings aside, I have been trying to be true to our deal, I even set her up with a guy from one of my classes last week. From what she said it sounds like he only wanted to sleep with her, which is my bad, but I'll keep looking until I can give her what she wants. That's the only way she'll continue giving me what I need.
"Fine, whatever, let's keep going. We still have to cover inverse functions and lord knows how long that'll take." Maddy dives back into the work, a return to form. We don't argue anymore about our past or the kids we used to be, and I'm grateful that for the remainder of our time we can strictly stick to studying. I had no delusion when I somewhat agreed to this with her; I knew that it would be a challenge, and part of me didn't see the harm when I already have nothing else to loose. As slim of a chance as it may be, I still think maybe the day will come where she won't hate me so much.
The rest of my Friday afternoon flies by in the most pathetic way possible, but when it's over I finally text Jonah to see if he plans to go to his parents with me. I may not be able to play football anymore, but I can still watch it, and especially after the last hour I spent with Maddy, I'm more eager than ever to go enjoy the game with Jason on the flat screen. I should've probably stuck with working, I could use the cash, but since Bill's not going to be at the garage today anyway—again—it was too tempting an offer to refuse.
Now that he's free from holding my hand all day long, Jonah is no doubt off being at peace in his space, so I eventually give up on waiting for a text back before I hop the bus over to his parents' house. Even so, I think about texting him again just to say I love him, but I decide against it. Hell, I even think about texting Bill—he could definitely use the support if he really is dealing with my dad—but I know he wouldn't respond either. Being around my ex already makes me feel two feet tall though, I don't see the use in thinking about all the people who hate me, so I put any thought of my dad out of my head as I get off at my stop and trek the rest of the way on foot.
"Brent! Come on in. You want a beer?" Speaking of dads, Jason greets me excitedly when he answers the door, and I'm practically whisked inside and planted on the couch while he runs to the kitchen to grab the drinks. He stays pretty busy between work and city council, but we always have a good time when we hang out, I imagine it must be a relief to have someone who shares all the same interests. I like it too, I mean, we both love Jonah to death, of course, but if he were here he'd probably be in the other room with Lilah. How did he get so lucky? I can picture what my life would've been like to have a dad like Jason.
Who knows, even back when he was at his worst, maybe I wouldn't have been so scared to come out, and then I wouldn't have made all the mistakes I did. We're pretty quiet during the game for the most part, aside from the occasional cheering, but during the commercials he's very engaged in asking me questions. He wants to know how things are going with Jonah, about work, about school. A little bit about everything, really. I'm smart enough to know not to tell him about the arrangement with Maddy, but, I'd be curious to hear what he'd say if I did. Both as Jonah's dad and my, well, whatever he is to me.
I have a great time here with him, same as always, but it's over way too soon and I linger a tad too long before I try to leave. Lilah ends up latching onto me, dragging me into helping her do some light work on her brand-new nursery while she gushes excitedly about her pregnancy. Helping her prepare for baby Pierson feels good, the kind of life this kid is going to have is the one so many people grow up wishing for. Me included. For just the short while I get to play pretend here in this house, I let myself forget the actual piece of shit that I come from. It's nice.
After I've helped Lilah, she drives me back home. While I'm half expecting another talk about specialness or inquiries on whether I've being using the journal she gave me yet, she avoids the tough subjects altogether, choosing instead to ask much the same questions as Jason. Knowing her she's got both ears open though, waiting to see if I'll incriminate myself, and yet I wonder if she just wants to believe that everything's alright. Shouldn't it be? More and more time passes since my accident, and I'm starting to do better in my classes again. By all accounts I shouldn't still feel like I'm asleep, but, I don't know.
When she drops me off I head right instead, finding that most of the guys are hanging around the living room. I'm almost trampled by the two that are chasing each other around like wild animals, but I step back with only a moment to spare. It's not really a party, this is just how most Friday nights go around here, the guys like to kick back with a couple of beers and turn the music up real loud. Devin's the ringleader, like always, and right when we lock eyes he drifts to my side with his own problems.
"Dude, you've got to help me out, I texted Grace yesterday and she still hasn't texted back, take a look and tell me what you think," without warning he shoves his phone at me.
"What did you expect, Dev? You are so not her type."
"Fuck that, I'm everybody's type." His usual sarcasm isn't quite as amusing tonight, not when I'm this tired and I kind of just want to go to sleep. He has other plans when he follows close behind me though, complaining, "please, come on, man, I really like her."
"She's just one girl, you'll find somebody else soon and forget all about her, trust me, it's what you always do."
"No, you don't get it, she's not like any other girl. Where else am I going to find someone like her?" He pouts while I look back at him doubtfully. I'll admit it's unlike him to be so smitten, but he can't be that infatuated after only one night with her, can he? Apparently he dislikes how unsupportive I'm being. "Not to put you down or anything, but you're a terrible gay, you're supposed to be really good at this shit."
"Alright, you really want to find a decent girl?" Weeks later and halfway to bed, an idea falls right out of thin air and smacks me over the head. It's so obvious, how did I not think of it before? It must be plain for him to see too, because he snorts like I'm only playing around, but he starts to wise up when I don't laugh. "I've got one in mind."
"No goddamn way! You couldn't pay me to go out with your ex, not after all the horror stories I've heard." The prospect of dating Maddy strikes fear into his heart, as it does with most men.
"She's not really that bad, who've you been talking to?"
"You."
"What? Well, forget all that, do I have to remind you that you owe me for setting all this up with her in the first place? If I have to suffer then so should you. Just go on one date with her, I'm begging you." They're probably not compatible, but who knows, I managed to make it work with her for longer than I ever would have thought. Realistically though, at the very least it'll get her off my back for a little while longer.
"I hate you. Of course if I do this you realize it makes us even?" Devin relents, accepting the fate that's in store for him. For the time being I'm satisfied so I continue towards my room, considering the delicate balance I have in my life—I relieve Jonah by enduring Maddy, and I endure Maddy by offering her up one sacrifice after another. Not ideal, but it's working, and for just one more second I think I've earned myself a few more days of peace. Then Devin ruins that peace by opening his big, fat mouth again, "oh, but I forgot to say that I'll only do it if you and Jonah double with us."