The Art of Being a F*ck Up - Chapter 9: Chapter 9

The order of the universe really does have the weirdest balance, like it's all a chain of action and reaction, give and take. Same as walking that fine line between Maddy and Jonah, with a foot in both worlds, I'm getting good at being what people need me to be. I cover for Bill at the garage so he can keep calling off mysteriously—most likely to deal with my dad—and now I'm stuck chaperoning Devin on this date because he's too much of a coward to face my ex-girlfriend alone. Not that I'm one to talk, I haven't gone out with Maddy like this in years and it's hard to describe, but it feels kind of karmic or like I'm being punished. Either way it's designed to screw me over, more and more I'm starting to question how I got here.
"Tell me again why I agreed to this?" Jonah makes his disdain for the plan clear. It'd taken a lot of convincing to get him to agree to this date with Maddy and Devin, and it'd also taken a couple acts that would probably make his dad ashamed, but I made him see my side eventually. For all the good it did anyway, now that we've made it to the restaurant he seems to be having second thoughts as he grabs my shirt firmly, leaning in close. "Wouldn't you rather we just go back to my place? I've got the dorm all to myself."
"Stop, you know it's not fair to tempt me like that," I smirk, our lips barely touching. If it was any other day I might take my chances, but exams are only a few weeks off now, I can't afford to fuck this up—even if Jonah makes it so irresistibly hard by trying to lure me away with sex. Yet as difficult as it is, especially on account of how good he smells, I resist. "But you help me get through this, and I promise to make it worth your while later."
"I'm going to hold you to that then," he pushes me back, grinning devilishly before brushing by to go inside. After I join him in the restaurant we manage to spot Devin rather quickly even with how moderately busy it is. It's mostly because the moment he sees us he bolts up from the table he's secured to wave us over like a lunatic, and despite my initial instinct to pretend that I don't know him, Jonah and I go to greet him.
"Wait, no, what the fuck are you doing?" Devin squeaks, almost panicked when I start to slide into the booth across from him. In the awkward half-standing, half-sitting position he's caught me in, I stare at him blankly. Fortunately he's got the common sense to lower his voice as he whines, "you can't make me sit with her!"
"I'm pretty sure that's how a date works, Dev." I blink.
"Not today it doesn't, I'm only doing this because you made me. Why don't you sit with her?"
"Don't be such a pussy, man up."
"Guys," Jonah interrupts suddenly, nodding his head towards the door to signal Maddy's arrival. In the instant I crane my neck to look at her I lose all ground, because Devin latches onto Jonah and practically drags him into his booth. I'm left all alone for when she somehow finds her way to us without effort, perhaps smelling Devin's fear like a shark smells blood. Adaptability has always been one of her strong suits—it has to be when you're constantly concerned with what people think about you—so when she uses that great power to transform into the girl next door I'm thrown.
"Sorry, it took me forever to find the place, I've never been here before. Have you guys been waiting long?" She slides into my booth without a second thought, even when we're arm to arm. It's the closest I've probably been to her in five years, but she doesn't seem to pay it any mind as she glances around the table, expecting someone to respond. After she gets nothing from Jonah or Devin—who are evidently just as shocked as I am by her unusually tame demeanor—she looks to me instead. "What?"
"Nothing, no worries, we've only been here for like five minutes so you're all good. Did you cut your hair? You look really pretty." It's not like I don't mean it, I've always thought she's pretty, even when she's not trying to be, but this whole thing has me so nervous that I can't keep my foot out of my mouth. Her hand instinctively reaches up to touch her golden tresses absently while she checks me over, as if maybe she can't decide if she believes what I said or not. Then we hear Devin yelp.
"Yes! I agree! You do! Very pretty." He quips, pretending like the comment is of his own volition, and not because my innocent-faced boyfriend just stomped on his foot. Maddy's suspicion begins to intensify when she narrows her eyes, but then our waiter appears with the menus to offer a much needed distraction. After it's all said and done I have to admit it's for the best that I didn't send Devin into this alone, since he no doubt would have blew it before she even had the chance to sit down. Thank god for Jonah, we both owe him, because even though he doesn't care for her much he still jumps right in to play the gracious host who guides the conversation.
And it works, the date coasts by smoothly as he sticks to safe topics that manage to be engaging and funny. While I still don't think this is necessarily a match made in heaven, it's not hard to see that Maddy's eating up the attention, so even if she's not totally interested in Devin, I think this'll go a long way with her—like a show of good faith or something. She was so used to getting this kind of attention all the time when we were together, and not having that since must be hard for her. That's why I'm sure the warm smile she wears is more than genuine when she addresses her prospective mate.
"Is there something you want to ask, Devin? Or are you just going to keep staring at me like that, like you have been?" Things are going so well right up until the end of the date, when Maddy chooses to willfully tempt fate by teasing Devin. Or she's toying with him, like a cat plays with a mouse, it's hard to say as she eyes him from across the table while sipping at her diet soda.
"My bad, am I that obvious? I'm not trying to make it weird or anything, but like, I can't stop thinking that I know you from somewhere and it's killing me." The sheer amount of concentration he puts into squinting at her is unreal, it's almost the same look he gets when he's trying to take a shit—don't ask me how I know, either.
"Well we have met before, or do I need to remind you?" She shoots me the old side-eye so that we're all forced to relive that horrifically awkward encounter that night at the party, when we'd stumbled back into one another's lives.
"No, I mean before that, I'm sure of it."
"I don't think so."
"Really? Because I'm usually pretty good with faces."
"Does it matter?" Maddy makes an earnest attempt to be polite, which I'm sure is difficult for her, but everyone except for Devin can tell she's losing patience.
"Come on, help me out here," he shakes his head, oblivious of the imminent danger he's putting himself in. So much so that I almost interject before it can go too far, but then he sits back with an excited breath, "you stay over at Lieberman Hall, right? Almost all those girls come to our parties."
"They are the best on campus, it's safe to say I've been to a few."
"See, that makes sense, I knew I've seen you around before." With the mystery all but solved he grins to himself, and Jonah and I can rest a bit easier. Unfortunately the reprieve lasts only moments, because the second Maddy clears her throat and looks down to check her phone something clicks in his mess of a brain. He exclaims suddenly, "hold up, I remember now—we had sex!"
"A little louder, Devin." Jonah states, startled, as Maddy's face goes red.
"What did you just say to me? We did not have sex." Humiliated, Maddy reverts to her natural state to protect her pride. I half expect her to leap over the table and strangle the life out of him right here in front of god and everybody, but the daggers she throws with her eyes prove to be the most deadly weapon at her disposal. "You wish maybe."
"Of course we did, it was last year I think," he insists, trying to recall the specifics, "I remember because you have that cute little mole right above your—"
"Whoa, hey, that's enough!" I jump in with a warning for his own good. There's a dead silence now as we come to the same silent understanding—or, all of us expect for Jonah, who simply watches on confused since he's the only one here who couldn't possibly know that Devin's right. There is a mole. Faced now with concrete proof that they did in fact sleep together, Maddy grows redder still.
"It's okay, Brent, he's right." Her eyes widen and her lips curl into her trademark snarl when she faces him head on, speaking loudly. "I guess it didn't register for a minute there, I've spent so long trying to wipe it from my memory on account of how bad it was. Must've been your micropenis."
"What!" With one fell swoop Devin's brought down hard, his bruised ego probably not helped much by the snickering from the table beside us. He may be even redder than her, "fuck you, I do not have a micropenis! I'll drop right here!"
"Are you really that desperate for everyone to laugh at you? Oh, sweetie, that ship sailed a long time ago." She dabs the corner of her mouth with incredible poise, pretending like she hasn't been stung as she starts to scoot out of the booth. She's quick enough on her feet to defend herself, but it's not enough, I can tell how much she wants to get out of here, yet I still reach out for her instinctively.
"Maddy, don't go," maybe I'm worried about the ramifications of Devin's fat mouth—I can't afford to lose her help. Or maybe I just feel bad for her.
"Oh let her go, thank god this date is over."
"Subtle much? What's your damage, Devin?" She cocks her head.
"You mean besides the fact that I'm stuck here with you when I'd rather be with somebody else?"
"Who? Your hand doesn't count."
"Stay single, Madison, like you have a choice." Their grudge match rages in a series of moves and countermoves, and while I'm well aware of the desperate look Jonah's giving me, begging me to intervene, I'm just as helpless as he is in watching this terrible experiment spiral farther out of control.
"They're called standards, numbnuts, look it up. Clearly something you know nothing about," Maddy laughs haughtily, quite literally looking down at him. "Honestly, did you even bother stopping to look in a mirror before you showed up here? Don't worry, I get it, what's the point in trying when I'm so obviously out of your league anyway?"
"Or maybe I just don't want Brent's sloppy seconds. Again!" Devin's quest to beat her goes beyond the point of no return when he takes a shot way below the belt, slamming his hands down on the table as he shoos Jonah out of the booth so he can stand up in front of her. For once it looks like she's met her match, because her mouth only hangs agape as she glares at him murderously. Not even she could've anticipated his viciousness, but after she recovers from being stunned she snatches up her glass of diet soda and throws it in his face. It's the only victory for her here, and she storms out of the restaurant, leaving him soaking wet.
I try to say something to him, anything, but he only shoots me the filthiest look before he growls and channels his inner Maddy by storming out dramatically. It's crazy how it all went to shit so fast, and I still haven't processed it by the time Jonah starts laughing at the apparent levity of it all. How does he not know that it's not so funny for me? This whole stupid thing was a desperate attempt to placate my ex-girlfriend because whether or not I like it, I still do need her. Regardless, he continues to be nothing but amused when we leave to catch the bus towards home.
"I have to admit, I totally didn't want to do this, but my god, that was something I had to see with my own eyes." He chuckles, squeezing my arm as he sits beside me. Meanwhile I'm just staring out of the window, doing whatever I can not to lose my ever-loving shit. "This is probably going to a be a weird question, but you know I've got to ask—is there really a mole?"
"Seriously?"
"What, I'm trying to make conversation. And fine, maybe I am a little curious."
"This isn't a joke, Jonah, this is bad." I don't want to take it out on him, but I'm starting to freak out, I don't know how things could get any worse. "It's a goddamn mess is what it is, Maddy's never going to talk to me again after today."
"You think? Classy girl like her, she's definitely heard worse, give it a few days and this whole thing will blow over. It's not like you were the one talking shit."
"That doesn't matter, you don't know her like I do, she'll hold this over me until I die." And why not? She still hasn't forgiven me for anything that happened when we were kids, so why would this be any different?
"If she wants to be that petty then I say good riddance." The consequences hold no weight with Jonah, so of course they're easy for him to shrug off. "I hate to rub it in, but I tried to warn you it was a bad idea from the start."
"You don't think I know that? But who else is going to help me?" Even though it hasn't exactly been smooth its still been working, for better or worse, what am I supposed to do now? Especially when exams are almost here.
"We can figure something out," there's a solution here that Jonah struggles to voice. It's one we tried to get away from in the first place, because even before he forces himself to say it I know it's not what he wants. We could just go back to how it was, me and him. Of course he'll help me, even though he knows that means more stress for him. Of course he'll help me, even if it means giving up the things he's passionate about, the things he's only just started doing for himself again. And of course he'll help me, even though he doesn't really want to. He utters slowly, with what I can only perceive as reluctance, "I'll do it."
"We already talked about why that won't work with you having all your own stuff to worry about." I say. It's only the first of many things I want to say to him, to relieve him, let him off the hook. To make him happy. In what is quickly becoming a pattern his phone rings to interrupt us, and I'm unable to get anything else out. I really am starting to believe it's the balance of the universe or something, but while I'm fully expecting it to be his mom calling again he continues to surprise me.
"Give me a second?" Jonah takes the call, saying very little as he mostly just listens. I go back to being quiet too, thinking about how my life might start falling apart all over again and brainstorming ways I can fix it. That feels more important than anything else right now, but when Jonah takes the phone from his ear, not even bothering with a goodbye, I get the sense that I might be wrong.
"Jonah?" I ask, distracted as my priorities radically shift from seeing how his innocent face—creased with laugh lines no more than a second ago—begins to change. "Who was that?"
"It was my dad," he answers, almost automatic. I don't understand why that doesn't relieve him, it's better than who I thought it was, especially when he hasn't been much interested in whatever it is she's wanted to tell him. There is no relief though, for either of us, only a heartbreaking worry that springs up as he hangs his head in disbelief, whatever joy that lives within him going out from one phone call. What I learn, however, is that sometimes one call is all it takes. "He wanted to tell me there's been an accident. Brent, my mom's dead."