The Gray Effect - Chapter 54: Chapter 54

T H E O G R AY
"THANK YOU, Mr. Nick. I appreciate the heads up."
I say before ending the call and sliding my phone back into my pocket. I was about to leave the rink when he called, telling me Mum tried entering my apartment building again while I wasn't around.
It's been going on for almost two weeks now. I thought she'd eventually give up, but I guess she's more persistent than I gave her credit for.
My hand is already on the exit door when it swings open, and I see the janitor, Mr. Brown, walking in.
He spots me and smiles. "Theo, my boy."
"Good day, Mr. Brown." I offer him a smile in return. There's something comforting about the man. I never expected to feel this kind of ease with someone like him, but I do.
Same goes for Coach. Both of them carry this... fatherly presence. And for a guy who's more at peace around them than his own father, it means more than I'll ever admit out loud.
"It's been a while. Haven't seen you around here during late hours," Mr. Brown says. His tone holds something like relief, like he's glad I'm not here running myself into the ground.
"Yes, sir." I nod. "I've decided to ease up a bit."
That's not a lie. The last time I pushed myself too far, I nearly passed out on the ice. Couldn't breathe. Dark thoughts clawed their way in and refused to leave.
But it's not just that. It's Soph.
I hate the way she looks at me when I come back bruised or sore. Like she wants to shake me and hold me at the same time. I keep telling her it's nothing, just minor scrapes, but she never buys it. She lectures me like she's the one with all the years of experience. Tells me to slow down, take care of myself, that I'm enough already.
And hell, maybe I like being taken care of by her.
No-scratch that. I love it.
Like I love he-
"Oh, that's good to hear." Mr. Brown's voice pulls me out of my head. "I'm glad you've made that choice. I'm even more impressed by your sudden changes."
"Changes?" I repeat, confused.
He chuckles. "Calm down, son. I mean good changes. You seem less... moody. Don't get me wrong, it's common for athletes to get all tense-especially when a big game's coming-but with you, it always felt deeper. Personal."
He's not wrong.
"But now you seem lighter. Happier. You smile more."
I let out a short laugh. "I always smile, sir."
He gives me a knowing look. "You know what I mean. I can tell the difference between a real smile and a fake one." He starts walking toward the locker room. "See you later, son."
I stand there, quiet, for a few seconds after he disappears.
Then I finally leave the rink.
I greet a few people on my way out-some familiar faces, some strangers. Doesn't matter. If they say hi, I nod or smile back.
But my thoughts drift again... back to Soph.
Back to that word that's been hovering at the edge of my mind, just waiting for me to stop being a coward and admit it.
I know I like her - that's not even a question anymore.
Hell, I'm past that. Way past it. That boat sailed weeks ago, and I never even tried to swim back.
She's... everything. I'd have to be completely brain-dead not to see it - not just how beautiful she is, but the way her mind works, the way she cares, the way she laughs at my dumb jokes even when I know they're not that funny. The way she sees people, sees me... and makes me want to be better, just by existing near her.
But love?
God.
I think I'm already there.
And I think I'm a lost case.
But do I really have a chance at loving someone like Soph? Or more importantly... being loved back?
Because we never defined what this is between us. We never said the words. We hover in that space between more than friends but not quite anything real - not officially. But we passed the friendship line long ago, didn't we? She had to feel that too... right?
Still... what if she doesn't?
She's still a freshman, with her whole life ahead of her. I'll be graduating soon, moving into the real world with responsibilities and whatever weight I keep dragging behind me.
She should be going to parties, trying new things, being reckless in a way only freshmen can be - not wasting time with someone like me who's already too messed up in the head and too deep in the heart.
There are guys her age. Easier guys. Guys with less baggage.
She deserves that.
And yet the idea of her with someone else?
Fuck no.
Just picturing her smiling at another guy - not the polite smile, but her smile, the real one she gives when she's happy, when she feels safe - it feels like being gutted. It took me weeks just to see that smile aimed at me, like I earned it. And the idea of someone else having that?
Or worse... kissing her?
Touching her?
Hearing those soft, breathy moans that only come out when I fuck her till she's loss of words?
Watching her lose herself in someone else's hands the way she has in mine - that flushed look in her eyes when she's close, the way her voice trembles, her fucking screams when she's at her limit, the way her fingers dig in and her body arches-
Fuck. No.
No. Fucking no.
Those smiles are mine. Those lips are mine - to kiss, to bite, to whisper things against when we're tangled in the dark. Those sounds - those beautiful, wrecked little moans - I earned those. That look in her eyes when she's right on the edge? That's mine.
All of it's mine.
She's mine.
Even if she doesn't know it yet.
Even if I'm the only one who's sure of what we are - or what we could be.
I shake the longing feeling off and glance up-finally spotting my car parked near the side of the building.
Soph had said she wanted to head back to the apartment early, and I told her I'd drive her. She should be here any minute.
This place is usually quiet, especially at this time, so it's easier for her to show up without feeling anxious or worried about people recognizing her.
I pull out my car keys and point them at my car to unlock it when I hear someone call my name.
A female voice.
I turn, and the face instantly clicks.
"Hey, Theo," she says with a bright smile and big brown eyes.
"Hey, Becky."
Her smile grows bigger when I say her name. Like that alone made her day.
"You remember me," she says, pleased - too pleased.
I shrug. "You're in one of my classes, Becky. Of course I remember."
Moments like this make me hate myself a little. I know I sound like a jerk, but I genuinely regret sleeping with her. It was during a rough patch-rage bubbling inside me after being furious with Father. I needed an outlet. Anything to get out of my head. And yeah, that's a screwed-up reason, but it was that or trashing my apartment.
"What do you want, Becky?" I ask, already tired of this.
Her smile falters when she realizes I'm not playing along.
"Her smile drops. "Oh... um." She fidgets, then sighs. "I miss you."
What?
I actually laugh, because that's the last thing I expected her to say. "You miss me? You do know we just had sex once."
"So?" She shrugs and takes a step toward me, trying to touch my arm.
I move back immediately.
"What do you think you're doing?" My eyes narrow, frustration brewing in my chest. I'm trying to be a decent guy here, but she's making it hard.
I sigh. "Look. I'm sorry for the sex."
"What? Why? I enjoyed it." She smirks. "I really enjoyed it."
"I'm not talking about the sex itself," I say, rubbing a hand across my face. "I'm saying I regret why it happened. It was a mistake. Not because of you, but because of me. I didn't sleep with you because I liked you. I was in a bad place and needed a distraction."
Her face hardens for a second before softening again. "Oh... are you in a bad place now?"
"What?"
"I mean, if you are, we could... you know, fuck again." She bites her lip like she's saying something seductive.
Is she serious?
"You wouldn't need to feel anything," she continues. "No strings, no feelings. Relationships complicate things anyway. We're graduating soon - why not just have some fun before we go our separate ways? What do you say?"
Jesus Christ.
This is going nowhere.
And it's so damn random. Why now? It's been almost two months. Where is all this even coming from?
"I have a girlfriend," I say without thinking. The words just leave my mouth. And I don't take them back.
"What?" Her smirk evaporates like smoke. "You're lying. I asked around - people say you don't date. In fact, you've never dated anyone the whole time you've been in college. So try a better excuse."
She's right. I've never dated. Not really.
But I don't care.
"It's true I haven't before," I tell her. "But I'm in one now. And she'll be here any minute. So I'd appreciate it if you left."
Becky doesn't budge.
She crosses her arms instead, looking me over like she's trying to decide if I'm bluffing. "Really? Since when?"
"Not your business," I deadpan. "Please leave."
She scoffs. "That's not an answer."
"Don't need to give you one." My voice is sharper now. "I said leave."
And then-like fate couldn't pick a worse moment-my eyes catch movement across the lot.
Soph.
My chest starts beating fast as she walks toward me in this oversized cream hoodie and a short skirt that ends just above her knees, bag slung over her shoulder, sneakers tapping lightly against the pavement. Wind picks up her blonde hair as she scrolls on her phone, totally focused, completely unaware.
God, she's beautiful.
And she's walking right into this mess.
I move fast, intercepting her halfway. She looks up when she notices me, a smile tugging at her lips.
"Hey-"
"Babe!" I call out, too loud, voice strained.
Before I can see her reaction to that word, I wrap my arms around her and pull her into a hug, turning her body so her back faces Becky, shielding her from the situation.
Bitch, leave already.
"B-babe?" she stutters, eyes wide, caught off guard. I pull back just enough to see her face, my hands still gripping her waist.
She's panicking. Her eyes are darting all over my face like she's trying to process what the hell is going on.
"I'm so sorry for saying that," I say quickly-too quickly. Even though, if I'm honest, there isn't a single cell in me that regrets it. "It's just-one of the girls I used to... mess around with showed up, saying shit like she wants..."
I trail off.
It sounds worse out loud. Filthy, shameful.
"Wants what?" she asks quietly, her voice more curious than accusing.
Then her brows lift in realization. "Oh."
"Yeah." I sigh. "Just let me hold you for a second. She might leave soon."
Soph rolls her eyes and lets out a soft chuckle. "She won't. Trust me."
I glance up. Of course. Becky is still standing there, arms folded, eyes glued to us like she's watching a movie. Waiting to see if I crack.
"How do I get rid of her?" I mutter, fed up.
I didn't think she was like this. I thought Becky was one of the quiet girls. Harmless. Guess I was wrong.
"Oh, um..." Soph shifts, her fingers nervously clutching the fabric of my shirt. Her teeth sink into her bottom lip. "I have an idea... but if you don't like it then forget I said anything-"
"What idea?"
"You could, um... kiss me." Her voice is barely above a whisper. "Like a real kiss. As if I'm... you know, your girlfriend. But that's if you wa-"
I don't let her finish.
I don't even think.
I just crash my lips into hers.
It's not careful or tentative. It's needy. Urgent. Like my body's been waiting for permission and finally got it.
Her hands grip my shirt tighter, lips parting under mine with the softest gasp. And that's all it takes - I deepen the kiss, tilting my head, drawing her closer like I could melt into her if I tried hard enough.
She tastes like mint and something warm I can't name.
And everything in me is on fire.
I don't care if Becky is watching. I hope she is.
I hope she sees how replaceable she was - how completely irrelevant she is now.
Because this?
This is what I want.
Her.
Soph.
When I finally pull back, she's breathless. So am I.
Her eyes flicker open, stunned. Flushed.
"Is...is she gone?" She asks, while her eyes roams my face then stops at my lips and I know that look anywhere.
Fuck.
"Umm..." I force myself to think with my head and not with my dick. "Yeah." Slowly, I ease my hands away from her waist, finally realizing Becky is nowhere in sight-and we're still standing in the middle of the parking lot.
Soph's cheeks are still flushed as she nods, glancing around to double-check for Becky too. "Oh. Um... okay, let's-let's go then. Since, y'know, we don't need to kiss again."
She doesn't give me a chance to respond. She turns and practically rushes to the car, yanking open the passenger door and slipping inside like her life depends on it. Meanwhile, I'm just standing there, heart pounding so hard it makes me feel lightheaded.
I finally start moving, open the driver's door, and slide in. The door shuts with a slam, and I glance over at Soph-only to find her turned toward the window, hiding her face.
Yeah... she's definitely still embarrassed.
"Sorry for the awkward situation," I say, running a hand through my hair as the silence settles thick between us. "I didn't mean for it to happen like that. Especially not right outside the school. I know you don't want that kind of attention."
She suddenly turns back to face me, eyes wide. "No! It's not your fault." Her voice is rushed, like she can't get the words out fast enough. "I mean... I was the one who brought up you kissing me in the first place."
I tilt my head slightly, watching her. "Then what's wrong?"
She hesitates. "It's nothing. Really, don't worry about it." She gives her head a little shake like she's trying to clear it.
"Come on, Soph. Talk to me." My voice is softer this time, coaxing. And when she finally turns to look at me, I notice something-something I've been seeing more and more lately.
That look in her eyes.
It's like this quiet sparkle-bright, warm, a little shy. It's dangerous, honestly. Because if I let myself believe what it might mean... that she might actually feel something for me too... I'll get my hopes up. And if I get my hopes up, there's no turning back.
She exhales, looking a little lost. "You kiss so well."
I blink, a beat of silence stretching between us, then let out a short laugh. "Wait... is that the problem? That I'm a good kisser?"
"Yes!" she blurts, and her expression is so damn serious that it actually knocks the breath out of me. Her gaze drops to my lips for a split second before snapping back up. "It's a real problem."
I can't stop laughing, even though I try when she smacks my chest. It's not painful-barely a tap-but it makes me grin wider.
"Well, I apologize for being a good kisser, then. Happy?"
She scoffs and turns toward the window with an exaggerated eye roll. "Whatever... just drive."
But of course, an idea sparks in my head.
I shift in my seat, leaning toward her-not too close, just enough. "Soph."
She doesn't answer.
"Soph." My voice drops lower as I lean in closer, my lips brushing the shell of her ear as I whisper her name again.
Her body shudders.
Still no movement.
"Sop-"
"What?" She whips around, clearly ready to snap at me-until she sees how close we are. Her sharp glare fades, replaced with something softer, almost shy.
"W-What are you doing?" Her voice stumbles as her green eyes lock on mine, wide and searching. "Move back-someone could see us."
"Don't care."
Her eyes go even wider, blinking in disbelief. "You have to care."
"Not really." I reach up and gently tuck a stray strand of her hair behind her ear, my fingers slow, deliberate. I watch how her breathing changes, how her lips part just slightly. Then mine brush against hers-light, teasing, barely there.
Her breath hitches. "Theo..."
She leans in, just a little. Just enough to show she wants this. And I pull back, only slightly, just to see that frustrated glare return to her face.
"You're teasing me," she accuses. "Because I said you kiss good, now you're teasing me."
I grin and press a soft kiss to her cheek, warmth blooming in my chest. "Maybe."
"I hate you."
But her voice is too soft, too full of something else entirely.
And I know she doesn't mean it.
She's so far from hating me, it's not even funny.
No-if anything, it's the opposite.
I believe it is. I need to believe it is.
"Me too."
Her face falls a little, her brows drawing together like I just slapped her across the face.
"I hate you too," I add, quieter this time.
"Y-You do?" Her voice cracks on the last word, and God, it shatters something inside me.
"You have no idea how much I hate you, Soph." I cup her cheek with one hand, brushing my thumb along her skin, trying to breathe through the lump in my throat. "I hate how I feel so free around you. I hate that when I'm near you, all I want is for you to see me. Only me. I hate that even in my worst, darkest moments, you're still the light I find. I hate the way you make me feel like..."
I pause.
Like I could be loved.
Like someone could look at me and not see the mess my parents do. Not see a disappointment. Not see a burden. But just... me.
Like when she looks at me, it's not with judgment.
It's with want.
With need.
Her eyes wait-eager, nervous, and so full of something real it terrifies me.
I swallow hard. My voice is raw. "You make me feel..."
Her breath catches. "What, Theo?"
I want to tell her the truth.
You make me feel like maybe I'm not broken.
Like maybe you won't lie to me like Mum.
Like I'm not something to be ashamed of.
Like you see me-the real me-and you don't look away.
But instead, I whisper, "You make me feel good, Soph."
Not just physically. Not just with your lips or your hands.
But in the way my chest feels lighter when you smile at me.
In the way I want to be better just to deserve you.
"You make me feel so fucking good," I repeat, leaning my forehead against hers, trying to breathe her in like she's the only thing keeping me grounded.
I pull away from her, my heart hammering against my ribs like it's trying to break out.
She opens her mouth, ready to speak-but I shake my head before the words can come.
"Nope. Don't say anything."
Her brows knit together. "Why?"
Because I'm scared.
Scared you'll say it was too much.
Scared you'll tell me I'm reading too far into this.
Scared you'll say you don't feel the same-and even though I know you do, the idea of hearing anything less than that might wreck me.
Because what I just said? That wasn't even half of what I wanted to say.
So I just whisper, "Just don't, okay?" and lean in to press a soft kiss to her forehead.
It's supposed to be the end of the moment.
But then-she moves.
Leaning in slowly, carefully, and I feel her lips brush mine.
And just like that, I'm gone.
So fucking gone.
◇◇◇
The elevator doors slide open, and Soph heads out first while I follow behind, carrying two bags filled with foodstuff and snacks we picked up on the way home from school. She's holding the pack of ice cream I bought-mango for her, vanilla for me.
She's just about to unlock our apartment door when it opens on its own. Logan stands there, wearing a bright smile.
"Hello, roommates!" he says cheerfully.
I hear Jaxon, Sam, Cameron, and Lydia's voices echoing from inside.
"What are you doing here?" My tone comes out a little harsher than I intended, but only because I wanted to spend some alone time with Soph. I had planned to convince her to watch a movie with me. Now, that plan looks dead on arrival.
"Ice cream!" Jaxon appears out of nowhere, snatches the pack from Soph's hands, and drags her inside.
"Hey!" I call out, stepping forward, but Logan chuckles, drawing my attention back.
"Why are you laughing?" I ask, narrowing my eyes at him.
"Nah," he says, shaking his head. He grabs one of the bags from my hand to help as we walk in.
"What are you guys doing here?" I ask again as he closes the door behind us and we head to the kitchen, where I find the others gathered, playing some kind of game.
"Hey, Theo!" Lydia calls out with a smile as soon as she sees me.
"Hey," I reply, giving her a small nod before placing the bags on the counter and beginning to unpack. My eyes flick toward Soph, who's now seated beside Jaxon, nodding along to whatever nonsense he's saying-while eating the ice cream.
Our ice cream.
"Why the death stare at Jaxon?" Logan asks, also beginning to unload the groceries onto the counter.
"Nothing," I mutter, ignoring the smirk spreading across his face.
"What's with that smile?" I ask, eyeing him.
"What smile?" He points at his face, trying to look innocent. "I'm not smiling."
I scoff. "Okay then."
He grins and nudges my elbow. "You've been acting different lately."
"Ugh, why is everyone saying that?"
He chuckles, placing the pack of hot dogs in the fridge. "Because it's true." He glances off to the side, and I don't even need to follow his gaze to know exactly where he's looking.
"I thought you said it wouldn't be like that. You owe me ten bucks."
"Why?"
"Because Lydia was right."
My eyes narrow. "Right about what?"
"About when you guys will sleep with each other." he says with a shrug. "We made a bet and she won."
"Wait-you guys knew this would happen?"
He rolls his eyes. "Who wouldn't? I'm sure even the guys on the team have figured it out, with the way you two look at each other."
"What look?"
"The 'we're having sex' type of look. Obviously," he says without hesitation. "When did it start?"
"In Miami," I admit, since he already knew I went there and when I told him I invited Soph alonhg he said it was a good idea.
He whistles. "Don't blame you. I hear Miami has that aura-like, tension in the air or something-and you kids fell hard for it."
"Yeah, I guess." I shut the fridge and glance toward Soph, catching her already looking my way before quickly turning her attention back to Jaxon-who's sitting way too close to her on the couch.
Are their legs touching? Or is it just me?
"Damn," Logan mutters. I turn back to him, only to see him laughing quietly. "How far gone are you?"
I swallow. "How far do you think?"
His chuckle fades as he studies my face. Then his eyes widen. "No way." A slow grin stretches across his face. "Are you-? No, you can't be-"
"Can't be what?"
"In love," he says, dead serious. "Are you?"
"Deeply," I answer before I can stop myself.
His eyes shoot wide. "Whoa. I never thought I'd see the day. Dude, have you told her?" His grin's practically beaming now, and I just know Lydia is going to hear about this the second I walk away.
"No," I mutter, shaking my head as all the ways it could go wrong play out in my mind. "I can't."
"Why?" He frowns. "It's obvious she feels the same."
"How can you tell?"
He laughs, like it's obvious. "You seriously have no idea how she looks at you? Or maybe you do, but you're too scared to believe she might be in love with you too."
I sigh, running a hand through my hair before glancing at him. "Stop knowing me."
He laughs louder this time. "You know that's impossible. We're literally brothers."
I smile at that. "We are."
He claps a hand on my shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze. "Just try, okay?"
"But what if-"
"Theo." His voice shifts, serious now. "Stop thinking. You think too damn much. Trust me-she won't say no."
"How do you know that?"
God, I want to believe him. I really do.
"Well, aside from the fact that she's staring at you like Lydia used to stare at me before I asked her out..." he pauses, then smirks. "She looks for you at school when you're not at the rink."
"She does?" My heart feels warm hearing that.
"Oh yeah. She asked Lydia about your department-said she didn't know much about what you study and wanted to check it out. So Lydia showed her."
"And Lydia told you this?" I ask.
"Of course. She's my woman. We tell each other everything. I'm basically her gossip lady."
I shake my head, amused. "You're proud of that?"
"Hell yeah," he grins, tossing an energy bar from the counter into the air and catching it. "You learn so much being the designated gossip vault."
I snort. "You're insane."
"But I'm right," he adds, wiggling his brows. "Now make sure you listen to me. Wait for a good moment, alright? Don't just blurt it out. The moment has to be perfect -for both of you. And then..."
"Then?"
"You tell her, you dumbbell." He laughs, eyes drifting toward her. "You're so done for, bro."
"Completely." I turn to look at her, and after a second, she turns too-smiling at me like she knows.
Completely done for.