The Guard To My Sanctuary - Chapter 1: Chapter 1

'Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts? Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts. So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess and to stop the muscle that makes us confess.
And we are so fragile, and our cracking bones make noise, and we are just, Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys...'
I sang the melancholy song in my head as the aging Caucasian male plowed into me all the while I was absentmindedly responded to his questions. His wrinkling body colliding with mine produced the offensive sounds of his skins sagging skin against skin turning my stomach. I combated against the tears that challenged to spill over my waterline having long since learned that it was better to not allow them to fall out of my eyes. I couldn't give him the power to see me cry it was one of the last things I could hold onto in my cesspool of despair that I called life. Crying was one of the few decisions I could make regarding my body and sometimes even that was controlled. I had no underlying well of hope left to delve into. There was nothing left inside of me that could give me a  surge of strength needed to push on through my circumstances, I only had the pride that still remained in the corners of my mind to prop myself up on.
The balding middle-aged man had to be the hundredth guy I've been made to sleep with by my captor London, after all of the years that had gone by I didn't even get to figure out his last name or if London was even his real name. I felt the man speed up in his pace the sensations of both pain, and pleasure was so far removed from my ability to comprehend, especially in the context of the situation. I didn't even flinch as he did his damnedest to get me to make a sound, I was like a warm corpse while the man violated my body. He was sweating onto my back as I laid on my stomach wishing he would hurry up and finish into the condom. Deep down little pieces of me were siphoned away every time he thrust his hips at me shoving his subpar sized penis inside of my body. I was almost blemishless minus the tattoos London made me get, a few I was allowed to pick out others I wasn't. I knew the thought process behind it was to make me less recognizable as I aged. Who would assume a tattooed guy was a victim when he presumably had money to personalize his appearance.
He had managed to systematically ravage me, not purely in a physical manner since he had placed barriers around how I was treated. London wouldn't allow me to be violated in off the wall ways like some of my peers were. He would say I was too pretty to be with the freak crowd, the ones who were into sadistic sex acts. I was more ravaged mentally in a way I was sure would be part of me until the end of my days on earth.
His breathing picked up making him sound like he was having asthmatic issues and I knew he was close to climaxing. I continued to lie there as I felt the warm squishy liquid fill the condom and him pull out of me moaning like a little bitch at the sensitivity. He looked down at me with a smile as if he was looking for recognition of his acts; an 'atta boy' with a pat on the back but I just stared at him like I wanted to kill him and shove to condom down his throat. Which was indeed what I was feeling it was what I was always feeling but I wasn't strong enough to defend myself in that way. My body wasn't built to fight and lash out, god wasn't kind enough to give me those specific skill sets. I often wondered why he hated me even from building me physically he seemed to make me weaker than the other boys.
The man walked out after getting the hint that I wouldn't give him any praise to boost his minuscule ego. He looked like a child when a bully slaps their ice cream cone out of their hands. It was funny how the rich men who walked in my room were often more attention starved and the men who scraped together their money for ten minutes with me seemed to have higher self-esteem. He pulled on his trousers than began to leave but not before placing the five hundred dollar fee on the bed that was positioned right in the view of the open doorway within my little room. Nobody was dumb enough not to pay London his money so he didn't feel the need to take it beforehand. It was a sign of his power, letting people put the money down afterward knowing that they would be gutted if they didn't no matter how untouchable they thought themselves to be. He wanted them to basically bitch themselves without them knowing it. I was sure the man pondered just leaving my room and not paying but the consequences of doing so would be too severe for him to face especially with him being in the running for some office.
The moment the door closed a wave of nausea hit me like a freight train. I felt dirty, filthy, and every other adjective that described a state of being contaminated. I walked into the bathroom that was connected to my chamber which only held a toilet, sink, and a shower. I turned the water on and hopped in the shower waiting as the freezing cold water became warm enough to actually be effective in cleaning my body. I rubbed the soap that smelled like cotton candy onto my skin watching as the pink liquid frothed into blush toned bubbles. London's boys were famous in the underbelly of society for smelling and tasting sweet like fairy floss. I got out of the shower dripping water onto the floor and dried off with one of the two good towels I had bought with the little bit of money I was handed by London from when he decided to let us go on little outings to the mall or stores to get personal items. I rubbed the matching scented lotion into my skin and walking into the room and grabbed for an oversized hunter green knit sweater and a black pair of sweats and sat on the king-sized bed in waiting for London to come to the room and divide the shares of the profits if I even got any for the day.
London liked me the best and it was no secret to the other boys that were trapped in the building with me. I wasn't envied for that, if anything I was pitted for my connection to our captor. Though with being the best I was given more money, more often than the others. I never understood London's fascination with me in the slightest. I didn't find myself to be all that attractive especially if I was graded on a scale of conventional beauty. My personality was dead and buried I preferred isolation when I wasn't being rented out by the nearest dirty fucker with enough cash to book an hour with me in my room that was set up to look like a hotel. I was nothing more than an Afro-Indian gay boy who was the property of a psychopath that snatched kids and sold them off or kept them for his personal play time.
I began cleaning the room knowing that it would set London off if he saw that the room was messy. He didn't want there to be any trace of another man's presence in the room when he came in and I did my best to hide those traces out of fear of being beaten. I made the bed making sure it was tucked and the duvet was evenly spread across the bed and then I grabbed the bottle of air freshener that smelled of cotton candy as well. I hated that flavor/ scent more than anything. It was in the air freshener, the toothpaste, lotion, soap, body spray, oils, candles, and laundry detergents.
I heard the click of the door and through the bottle behind the bed then rushed to sit and cross my left leg over the other and saw as London's big frame sauntered into the room with a sickening smile on his face. I wanted with every fiber in my being to break the lamp over his head and use the shards to repeatedly stab him to death then escape but knew that I wouldn't succeed in anything but pissing him off and getting beat to death. He had a way about him that could intimidate anyone, there was something in his eye that screamed psychopath. He had his jeans sagging off of his waist and a white t-shirt that showed off all of his muscles. He was built like a tank and had the strength to back up his physique.
"Hey lil mama," he said grabbing the cash off the dresser making sure every bill was there. He recounted just to make sure his first count was correct and checked the bills in the light.
"Hello sir," I said in my timid high pitched voice.
"Was he too rough with you ma, you know I don't like nobody getting rough with you, you're too special to me for that," he said placing the cash in his pocket. I was glad he was satisfied with the amount because he had accused me of stealing before and beaten me.
"No he wasn't sir," I said trying not to look away from him even though I wanted to but I knew that if he felt that I was giving him less attention than he thought he deserved the results would be violent. The little details that could send him into a rage could fill the library of congress.
"That's good ma," he said digging into his pocket and pulling out my dose of PrEP pills that I took every day. He extended his hand for me to hold mine out which I complied and took the pills into my hand. I was so used to it I didn't need water as I swallowed the pills down my throat pushing down some spit to make the condensed powder past my tonsils.
"It's that time of the year again," he said pulling out a needle that held my Depo shot to keep me from conceiving a child. I never understood how it worked completely, me getting pregnant should be impossible but it was my reality ever since I got pregnant four years ago and was forced to have an abortion. My parents used to tell me that I had girl parts but never fully went into detail as far as my condition was concerned.  I really grew to hate London with every fiber of my being after finding out I was carrying a baby. I didn't want to carry his baby into the world but the fact that he forced me to have a chemical abortion really lit a fire under my ass.
'He killed my baby'
I held my arm out and he flicked the needle before he injected me like it was nothing. I didn't flinch nor blink as I watched the needle push into my skin.
"Alright baby," he said looking into my hollow eyes and kissed me. He forced me to kiss him deeper by biting onto my lip and sticking his tongue into my mouth. He pulled away slowly licking his lips at me.
"Awe don't look at me like that Elm, I'll give it to you tomorrow I have things that I have to do tonight," he said while caressing my face. I wanted nothing more than to bite him but I knew better than to try something as stupid as that.
"How about this, on Friday in two days I'm going to tell Manny and Jack to take you to the mall or wherever you want to go to pick up some nice new panties for you to wear for me when you get back so I can rip them off and let you go watch a movie or something fun. Would you like that baby," he asked his large stature making me at five-foot-five look like a dwarf.
"Yes sir," I said monotoned. I knew in his delusion he probably heard me say it in an upbeat tone.
"Alright Ma," he said walking away.
"Oh wait, baby here take this so you can get a message as well, I want you nice and calm for what I'm going to do to you," he said turning around and handing me a hundred dollar bill and leaving out of the room. I looked at the green sheet of currency in my hand and marveled at it. Normally London would give me at max ten dollars every few weeks that I would ration out or he would put a quarter on my bed after a client would brag. He must have been really high because giving me a hundred dollars was about what I earned in a year. I smiled at the Benjamin Franklin who was looking back at me smug like he knew the joke. Handing me that generous of an amount of money was like him writing my ticket out of captivity.
'In two days I'm getting the hell out of this place'