The Guard To My Sanctuary - Chapter 10: Chapter 10

I hated that I couldn't stop crying in his arms. I hated the people who stared at us through the car's windows. I hated that I was so comfortable in his arms. I hated that I needed him but at the same time, I loved having someone that's not supposed to love me unconditionally like my family. I hated that they didn't joke and laugh around me it was depressing me more. I hated how angry I was at everything.
"Oh, you're done crying," Marco's deep voice appeared. I indeed had stopped crying without knowing it.
"I guess," I said in my soft voice trying my best to make it not sound scratchy looking down at the floor of the car.
"Look at me please," he asked calmly. I looked up at him sitting up and blinking my eyes that were stinging.
"I promise you from here on out I'm going to be there for you the moment you call, well after you get a phone. As I was saying, I'm here when you need me I want to always be there for you even when I have to go back to work. If that means I have to go without sleep driving back and forwards then so be it, do you understand," he asked?
"I understand," I said placing my head on his hard chest. We sat in silence waiting for them to come back which I knew would be a moment.
'Am I broken? I don't feel broken. what does broken feel like? Is this how it feels to be free? I'm so tired. I'm so so so tired, God he smells good. Am I getting hard? What's going on? I'm definitely not in the headspace for a relationship. Maybe I should kiss him? He was hard when I was changing. No, I need to focus on my recovery he's just here to help'
I heard my name getting called and snapped out of my thought realizing we were parked in front of a house I had never seen before. I was a nice house, not some brand new house you'd see on tv but it was nice. It had two stories and a red door like the house we used to live in except this one was a blue-gray.
"Where are we," I asked.
"Home," Daddy said and got out. I climbed out of my seat and let the chair down so Pine could climb out. Before I could look for him Marco was at my side and I grabbed his sweater.
"When did you guys move," I asked.
"When you were missing we got a lot of people donated money to the family. So I took some of it to get this house so you'd have your own room when you came back then put the rest in a trust so you would have some padding to start your life over with," my dad said.
"Oh," I said and reached for a bag but my Uncle looked at me and shook his head. I hated that I was treated like a glass doll around the masculine men in my family but at the same time I was happy to not have to carry the case of water like Pine was forced to. I grabbed my bag and Marco slipped his duffle bag over his shoulders then grabbed a bag that held a gallon of milk and we walked to the door. My Dad unlocked it and the first thing I noticed was a wall of pictures. They were of all of my family gatherings and me and my brother's birthdays and other key moments. What stood out were two large pictures. One of my mom that my dad used to carry in his wallet and the other was of me as a small child taken at a park. I looked a mess and my two front teeth were missing and the empty space was only visible because I was going through an ugly smile phase.
"So now that's he's safe can we take that ugly picture down," Alder joked and everyone stopped. I looked around and started laughing really hard at how they were looking at me like I was going to break down. I could feel Marco silently laughing.
"You guys need to loosen up he's home now, you being all serious isn't going to help him acclimate back into family life," Marco said.
"Oh ugh," John said.
"Good to know," he said walking deeper into the house. We all followed to the living room which was nice and cozy feeling. I walked to the kitchen with Marco and we came back into the living room while everyone sat down. Pine came up behind us and tapped Marco's shoulder causing him to tense up. I looked at him and noticed his face contorted then calm down quickly.
"You need a bell," he said trying to hand his reaction with a laugh.
"Sorry, Dad asked if on allergic to cheese or nuts or something," Pine said I'm his lazy laid back way of speaking.
"No I'm good with everything," he said. Pine walked off and Marco looked down at me.
"Sorry I need to take a half tab of Zoloft it's been a long day," he said. I knew he had PTSD but forgot he told me he was on meds.
"Does it help," I asked.
"Yeah I'm in the process of weaning myself off of them, but when I first got back I had some major issues and relied on them and my best friend Corey heavily," he said. We sat in silence just listening to my family argue about what to eat until my dad got annoyed and made lemon pepper wings.  We all ate dinner and then my brothers had to go home and my Uncle packed up knowing he had to be home in the morning because he had to work. I cried saying goodbye to them but knew that they would come to visit me in the afternoon. I helped my dad clean up feeling safe in the sounds of the dishwasher and him sweeping the floor.
"It's surreal cleaning with you, I remember the last time we cleaned up after your brothers," he chuckled then hugged me tightly. I held him back until he let me go and kissed my forehead.
"I think it's time for bed, your room is up to the stairs it has your name on the door," he said and ruffled my hair. I walked into the living room where Marco was watching television after taking his pill.
"Goodnight," I stated.
"Goodnight," he responded and got up to give me a hug. He held me for a while and I held back before releasing and walking up the stairs. I saw my Uncle on the floor praying and softly entered.
"So I see you still like to sneak up on people," he said getting off the floor.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"I'm not," he said getting up and hugging me tightly," I'm so glad you are back Aazo can finally rest easy now that you're home and don't worry about that London guy, well take care of it. I'll be back here in a month I'm going to DC on Tuesday for work okay," he told. I nodded my response and he pulled away telling me to go to bed. I felt like I was eight years old with everyone telling me to go to bed but I was too tired to argue. I saw my name painted on a door in orchid. I opened it and saw my room and loved it. It was simple with a huge blackboard painted wall which was what I wanted as a child.
bI barely took it in before shutting the door but not locking it. I wanted to know I was able to leave as I pleased. I turned the light off and climbed into my bed and closed my eyes and thought about the whirlwind of a day I had experienced. My mind lingered on the fact that Marco was there for me even when he figured out I had a womb. I fell asleep thinking about Marco and my confusing feelings for him. It felt like I was asleep for ten minutes when I started dreaming about a full-grown baby with the face of London being ripped out of my abdomen. I woke up in a cold sweat and saw a clock on the side of my bed saying that it was five in the morning I hopped up and ran down the stairs breathing heavy. Marco wasn't on the couch so I ran back upstairs and looked at the room doors. I didn't want to wake up my Uncle and Father who would worry too much. I opened my brother Pine's door and saw him in the bed sleeping. I went over to him and shook him lightly not knowing how he would wake up.
"Huh," he said waking up with one eye close tight.
"Marco can you sleep with me I can't," I said feeling like crying.
He immediately got up and held me bridal style in his arms and carried me to my room and placed me on the bed. I climbed under the covers and he climbed up behind me and held me in his arms. I got close and felt his strong chest on my back and felt my tears fall on the covers. He held me tight his scent invading my nose and his warm breath on my neck.
"It's alright I got you it's alright..."
"Come on Elm's I have to eat dinner and then go," Marco said walking into my room in nothing but a pair of basketball shorts. His muscular body looked great in the lighting. I was watching videos of popular things through the years that I missed. Marco was my rock in the rough tides of recovery. Dr. Shelby had given me medication to manage my stress and I had fewer panic attacks but the nightmares persisted. I was scared to see him go since I hadn't slept in my bed without him there. He had gotten comfortable in my home and everyone seemed to like him. My dad and Marco could talk sports and automobiles which I didn't know anything about. Pine liked Marco because he was good at actually performing sports. Alder and his beautiful family liked Marco because he was an amazing sketch artist. I still had confusing feelings about him that I wasn't sure if they were appropriate. I would glance at him from time to time and daydream about him holding me with a lot less clothing.
"Okay, I'm coming," I said blushing to realize that I was staring. He smirked at me and walked out of my room. I grabbed the sweater he gave me on the train that still had his scent on it and pulled it over my head covering my body almost like a dress. I walked out of my room and down the stairs to the dining room where everyone was sitting.
"Ewum," Cartier said running to me, her huge hair blowing in the wind. She was a gorgeous little girl with skin as dark and rich as chocolate. She couldn't get the 'el' sounds down so she improvised my name. I picked her up and carried her to the table.
"Hey pretty little baby," I said and gave her a forehead kiss. She giggled which made me giggle.
"You're always wearing that thing," Thalia said as I sat her daughter beside her. Thalia looked like a chocolate colored angel and had the kindest personality.
"It's warm," I said.
"We live in California at most it may get to forty-two degrees and that's if God is really pissed at us," she said with her brows set accusatory.
"What," I asked blushing.
"Nothing," she said with a small knowing smirk. I walked over to my dad in the kitchen who immediately gave me a hug: he hugged me anytime I was around.
"Darling take these ribs to the table," he asked and I nodded grabbing the plate and putting them on the table then taking a seat next to Pine and across from Alder who was playing peek-a-boo with his daughter. Everyone had slowly stopped tip-toeing around me and it helped a lot more than them doing their best not to say anything that might trigger me. I felt Marco behind me and smiled.
I even felt his voice in my ear, "Ribs again," he laughed then sat beside me. He was wearing one of the many white shirts he owned. My dad walked into the room and sat down.
"Well, it's been a pleasure having you as a guest, scratch that your family. We love having you here and the things you have done for my son. I hope you still come around and humble Pines ass on the court. Also, make sure Elm stays on the right path," my dad said. We all dug in and began picking at the ribs, potatoes, and other foods. By the time we were done Cartier was holding a chicken leg up with her eyes closed.
"I think it's time to take her home," Alder said removing the chicken from her hand and picked her up.
"Well I guess we're leaving, Pine gets your ass up or call a taxi," she said to Pine who had ridden to the house with them. He got up and kissed my forehead which led to Alder and Thalia to the same. Soon it was even time for Marco to leave and I was really nervous since I hadn't been around him since we met. Him being such a huge part of my recovery I feared I would fall apart. I watched as he packed up his things in his duffle bag and grabbed his shirt as he walked down the stairs my dad was at the door with an apologetic smile. Marco's car was delivered two days ago and I wished that it would have never came not that it would have stopped him from leaving.
"Okay so here's the plan, I'm going to get I'm my car and I'm going to call you and your going to talk to me all the way till you fall asleep. If you wake up I'll still be there and I'll be back Wednesday night then the weekend okay," he said with a smile.
"I understand, I-i'm going to miss you," I said and hugged him which he hugged me back and held me for a long time before pulling away and walking out the door to his car then pulled off as I waved till he was out of sight.
"It's okay Darling he'll be back," my Dad said closing the door then giving me a hug.
"I'm going to clean everything up, you head to bed okay he should be calling soon. Tomorrow we'll try and go out if you're up for it and get you an ID okay?"
"Okay," I said and ran up my stairs to my room. I quickly pulled off the sweater and shirt under it along with my shorts and rushed to the shower quickly cleaning myself and brushing my teeth at the same time so that I wouldn't miss the call. I made it back to my room and dressed in cotton pants and a t-shirt that belonged to Marco and hopped in my bed that also smelled of Marco's cologne. Just as I was getting comfortable my phone rang and a smile spread across my face.