The Outside Lines (boyxboy) - Chapter 34: Chapter 34

Noah's POV
After awhile my mom's sobs subsided, the room going into complete silence. I sat with my head slung in between my legs, still quartered between the wall and floor.
It was difficult trying to read her emotions. Was she disappointed? Was she angry? Was she pained with sorrow? I didn't know. One thing I was certain of though was that she was definitely going to be upset with me. Taking my family's religious beliefs into account there was no way I'd be making it out of this scot-free.
"Come." It was a single word but she spoke it so stern and dry, I swear it changed the temperature of the room.
"I've already called the school before I got here to let them know you'll be leaving early." Mom informed. I didn't respond. I was so overwhelmed and dazed I couldn't speak a word.
I got up from the ground and silently followed her out the door.
(Play the song)
The dry fall sun hitting the landscape had a sense of grim and eeriness to it, the very sun that which I found to be so beautiful only just this morning.
The sound of our shoes connecting with the asphalt rang in the airy breeze like a pounding drum signaling my impending demise.
Nan is in the hospital...
The popular kids at school are out for my head again...
And my mom found out I'm... gay, thanks to my little quarrel with Chad in the hall...
The day's taken a turn for the worst real fast. The way my stomach churned, the way my hands shook, I felt like I was about to break down right then and there, but I didn't, I needed to hold on. I needed to hold out as long as I could.
When we got in the car mom didn't look my way, not even once. Her eyes were glued to the road ahead and nothing else. Despite her focus I could see a hollowness swallowing her gaze.
I spent half the drive on the way to the hospital glancing over at her. I don't know whether she noticed or not. I was desperate to find any kind of emotion on her face, at least then I would be able to tell what kind of situation I'm in.
The low humming of the engine drowned out the silence dominating the inside of the car. The tension felt so thick and groggy a knife would have trouble cutting through it.
Amid my distraction mom pulled into a parking lot, and before my very eyes stood the hospital building, towering above us. The car engine shut off, and even though we were ready to head inside the building we sat inside for a good minute, still not uttering a single word to each other.
The dreadfully awkward silence eventually came to pass when mom popped open the door, releasing all of the built up tension fogging the inside of the vehicle unto the outside world.
The cold groggy city air attacked my nose upon exiting the car. I stepped out only to see mom already half way across the parking lot. She was making no effort to wait, her paces were hastened and her strides long.
The longer this went on the worse I began to feel about myself. Why the heck should I feel guilty for being the way I am?
I glanced around the somewhat familiar neighborhood wearing a slight frown. While the day was cold and groggy the sun still peaked out behind the trees, gracing the lives of the many people roaming the streets, the families playing in the park, and the lovebirds sitting at the window seats inside the restaurants.
After studying the many lives that weren't my own I entered the large building, closing the distance between mom and I. The closer I got to seeing Nan the more my heart ached. I contemplated on staying outside, but if what they're saying is true this may be my last time seeing her alive and breathing...
"I'm here to visit Sheryl Orman." Mom announced, stepping up to the front desk.
"Right, sign here." The tired yet perky woman behind the desk instructed. I zoned out while mom did whatever it was she was doing.
After one painfully awkward elevator ride and many corridors down we finally arrived in front of the door with Nan lying just on the other side. I hesitantly grasped the icy cold door handle and push it inwards.
An wave of chills crawled across my body as studied the room in horror. Nan lied unconscious, hooked up to a bunch of cords and machines. The sight really messed with my head. I tried to swallow back the lump in my throat but it was to no avail.
Mom passing me by in the doorway snapped me out of my daze. I followed her into the room and took a seat on the visitor's bench.
We sat there for so long, just watching, and hoping by some miracle she'd wake up. The atmosphere was dreary. The low hum of the air conditioning, the beeping of the machines, it was almost therapeutic in a way, keyword being almost.
Nearly two hours passed us by as we sat on the plastic feeling couch. Even after so much time had come and gone neither of us spoke a word to each other. I was too concerned about Nan's health than what would happen to me in the future though. Seeing her lying so helplessly shattered my heart into small pieces. Just a few days ago she was in the kitchen making me breakfast. It was one of the most delicious I've ever had.
A nurse stepped into the room, disturbing the pattern of sounds I'd grown so used to. "I'm sorry, I was told to inform you that your visiting hours are up for the day." "We have a set amount of visiting time for patients in critical condition." She informed us, pressing her clipboard against her chest.
"Okay." Mom nodded. She collected her purse and left the room without another word. I trailed a short distance behind, unsettled by the growing negative aura emitting from her. I wanted to stay by Nan's side the entire night but it looked like that wasn't going to happen.
Everything... it's all such a mess. Things are so screwed up right now, I was on the verge of tears. It grew harder to fight back the stream of tears threatening my eyes.
I walked to the car with my head hung low. Heartbreak... Anger... Shame... it was all becoming too much for me to bear...
Sometime had passed since we left the hospital and got back on the road. The sun began to set and the air became a chilling tundra cold. It was so icy I could almost hear it as it brushed passed the car.
I gripped my heart, hoping to relieve some of the aching tension that built up. My mind was already racing with so many thoughts that it did very little to relieve the pain.
My mom seemed to notice my distress, without even as much of a slight glance my way. "So, is there anything you want to tell me?" She asked, her tone sharp and cold. Chills crawled down my spine. Those were the first words she'd spoken to me in several hours.
I remained silent.
I couldn't respond.
It felt as though all of my guts would come spewing out if I opened my mouth. My nerves held my lips closed tight. I was afraid of how mom would respond to anything I had to say.
The area encapsulated by large overhanging trees near our house came into view. The ground was cast in a dark shade, sunlight unable to reach the it. The atmosphere was dim and gloomy, somewhat mimicking my inner turmoil.
The car pulled through the dark land and into the parking space just below the large hill that was our yard. The killing of the engine made me snap my head to the woman beside me. Her hands remained on the steering wheel, slightly yet aggressively digging into the rubber. She was probably hoping for me to come clean.
A few seconds passed before she got out of the car. She wasted no time making for the top of the hill. It was very similar to the time at the hospital.
I could only imagine what was about to transpire the moment I set foot through that door. For that very reason I remained sat in the car, accompanied by complete silence and the chill in the air. The lighting in the vehicle became ever so dim as the sun retreated behind the mountains. The visibility of me nervously playing with my own cold hands rested in my lap began to get obscured by the approach of night.
The dead silence haunting the gloomy yard as I stepped out of the car stacked another layer of fear onto the over-piled mess of emotions already plaguing me.
My feet became increasingly heavier the closer I got to the front door.
Has mom already told dad?
Are they going to scorn me for my sexuality?
Are they going to throw me out on the streets due to something I have no control over?
Would all of our memories become meaningless all in a matter of seconds?
I feared the worst as I inched closer to the door.
.
.
A slight screeching sound filled the all too familiar house as I hesitantly parted the front door. I stepped inside slowly closing it behind me, hoping no one caught onto my presence.
"Oh, Noah... I didn't realize you hadn't come in yet." My father was surprised, yet spoke in a tired low tone as he stepped out of the kitchen, drying his hands in a white cloth. His sudden appearance had me so startled my spirit traveled to the afterlife and back.
"Oh, yeah... I was just... outside, taking in the night air." I nervously replied, a forced chuckle following along. He frowned.
"I see..." A pause hitched the air. "My mother's condition is just as hard on you as it is on the rest of us, huh." He looked off to the side, a sad expression making its way onto his face. "Then again I don't see why it wouldn't be. The two of you have always been close."
He turned around, facing the stairway in front of us. "I started dinner, so your mom's in there finishing it up right now. Food should be on the table shortly." He informed, slightly nodding.
It didn't appear as though mom told him about what happened at school... It only made me more confused.
"That's alright... I'm probably... just going to head to bed for the night." I replied, playing with the handle of the bag slung over my shoulder.
"I get that my mother's situation has all of us down, but we shouldn't let that get the better of us, we can't." His voice went soft. I lowered my head, not knowing what to say.
"I know... I'm just really tired is all." I finally spoke after a brief moment of silence, my gaze still glued to my shoes and the ground below me.
"Alright..." He sighed. "Well, get some rest Noah."
I hesitantly raised my head to see my dad walking off into the next room. I watched as he disappeared behind the wall obscuring my view.
I fastened the handle of my bag and made for the stairs. But just as I reached the first step something stopped me dead in my tracks.
"Noah, in the kitchen, now." A sudden, stern voice commanded sending chills down my spine.
It was mom.
I creaked my head towards the entrance of the kitchen, half expecting some kind of monster to prance out across the floor and drag me in.
"Noah." She called my name again, well aware I was still there.
W-what do I do?
I was trapped between a rock and a hard place. I could ignore her and go to my room, or comply and enter the kitchen. Either choice, I was left royally screwed.
Pondering many seconds away I came to a decision. Not wanting to pour more gasoline on the already blazing fire I made for the kitchen, my hands clasped and raised to my churning stomach.
Mom had her back turned to the door. She was in the process of mixing the pot on the stove. Despite knowing I had entered the room mom remained silent. The sound of the boiling pot being aggressively stirred filled the room.
I hesitantly took a seat in my spot at the dinner table. I realized mom desperately wanted to say something but her attempt to control her emotions left her silent.
At least five minutes passed with nothing happening. I just sat there thinking of any possible way out of this situation.
"I thought you were heading to your room?" Dad asked, stepping back into the room.
"..." I lowered my head, my sight landing on the table in front of me. "Mom called me in here."
He looked between us slightly confused.
"Is this about my mother?" He asked, a pained look becoming visible on his expression. Ever since I entered the house I could tell he was distressed. I mean who wouldn't be if their mother was in the hospital?
Neither of us responded.
"I know this is hard on you guys, but we can get through this. We have to pray, we have to stay strong." He tried to reassure us, but I could hear the pain and exhaustion in his voice.
Again, both of us remained silent. He sighed and took a seat across from me.
"I called out of work early, drove all the way to the hospital and they only let me stay in the room with my dying mother for an hour." A pause filled the air, allowing the sound of the boiling pot to fill the room once more. The atmosphere was glum.
"I don't even know if she'll be alive by the time we get there tomorrow." He brushed a hand over his face, trying to relieve some of the tension.
"Noah, do you have something to tell us?" Mom's voice suddenly pierced the room, scaring every bit of flesh and skin off my small body. My eyes widened at the woman folding her arms from across the room.
"..." My gaze was darting to every corner of the room, hoping for some sort of an escape.
"I don't want to talk about it right now. I'm going to my room." I declined, sharply standing from the table.
"NOAH!" She screamed my name, her volume almost deafening.
Dad was startled and confused. "What's going on, what did he do?"
"Noah, tell him." She demanded, gesturing to the man sitting across from me. I frantically darted my eyes between my parents, fidgeting in place.
It's all over, isn't it?
"Noah." She called my name again, her voice was heavy, but I still refused to answer. Dad looked over to her, waiting, hoping to get the answer out of her instead.
.
.
.
"Our son... he's..." She choked up. "He's a homosexual." Her voice broke as she finished her sentence. She dramatically turned around, unable to face me.
My father slowly shifted his shocked expression to study my own. I was petrified, nearly on the verge of tears.
"Tell me you're joking." His tone went cold as he demanded a response from either of us. She began to sob, holding her pained expression with a single hand. Dad's horror filled gaze returned to me, morphing to one of discomfort and disgust. My heart shattered into hundreds of tiny little pieces seeing how they finally reacted to the secret I'd been holding close to me for many years.
"How? How could you do this to us? After we've put a warn, loving home over your head. You choose to do this!" Dad yelled at me just as I had expected him to.
"How could you go and betray the god we've sought to and respected all of these years? The kind loving god that's given you such an amazing life?" The hypocrisy in his questions seriously began to irk me. He's the one with the choice, he's the one who chose to cheat on mom, and yet he had the audacity to berate me. It coated me in a whole new layer of pure anger. I was ready to rat him out right on the spot, but if our family was to have any future I needed to keep this to myself... I had to.
Not wanting to have to deal with their nonsense I stormed out of the kitchen and headed for my room. My footsteps were both quick and heavy as I raced away from my parents.
"Noah, get back here, we're not done discussing this!" Mom's deafening pitch probably would've had me falling to my knees if I hadn't placed my hands over my ears.
Before I could reach the stairs I felt a large grip on my shoulder. Dad grabbed me and stopped me from moving. His facial expression was cold and irate. That only proved to piss me off further. He had no right!
"This is serious. We aren't going to allow you to act this way under our roof." His tone was cold and stern.
"You're bringing demons into our home. You're inviting them right in, working to destroy the wholesome life we've built these past year." A mix of emotions welled in mom's voice.
Every word they spoke added a hundred pounds to my chest. It hurt, it hurt so much. I bit my lip in attempt to hold back my tears. I just wanted to get out of there before my spirit was broken.
"This darkness you've invited into our home is likely one of the reasons my mother is hospitalized." His accusation had me absolutely baffled, so much so that through out all of my rage and sorrow I managed to chuckle in disbelief.
That was it. That sent me over the edge. I'd had it. What little control I held over my emotions was gone. The way they bubbled and built throughout the day I couldn't contain myself anymore.
I clenched my shaking hands into a ball and lifted my lowered gaze. "Oh yeah, what about you, huh?!" I yelled back at him, to both of my parents surprise.
"Didn't we teach you better than this? Don't you dare raise your voice at your parents." Mom threatened.
"I'm not talking to you right now." I unconsciously responded to her amid my rage, not removing my fiery glare from my father.
"Excuse me?" She replied taken aback.
"I asked you a question. Why are you acting so righteous? What makes you so special that all of your sins can go un-judged?" I asked. He thought to himself, extremely confused as to what I was talking about. A brief moment passed where I saw a flicker of realization cross his expression. He probably assumed I had no way of knowing about him cheating so he continued to remain calm.
"None of us are perfect, but at least we're striving to be better." His answer was so paper cut I could tell he thought I was only spouting baseless nonsense.
"Dad, I know all about it so cut the crap." I narrowed my eyes at him, then turned to mom.
"He's been sneaking out and meeting with other women behind your back." I spilled the beans straight up, tired of beating around the bush.
"H-how dare you accuse your father of such a heinous thing?" Mom interjected caught off guard by my wild accusation. I already predicted this response from her though.
"Look, I don't know what you're on about but this behavior will not slide in this household." He tried to play it off, getting visibly flustered. I would like to say it was convincing, but it really wasn't.
"I said cut the crap. I saw your phone when I was trying to sneak mine back a awhile ago." I came clean, not worried about the consequences at this point. He went pale, his bullets of sweat almost becoming visible.
"If you want to prove your innocence show mom your phone." I demanded, pointing to his pant pocket. With a sluggish tilt of the head he glanced over to her, his mouth parted and his brows slanted.
"See, that reaction says it all." I said, brushing his hand off my shoulder.
"I didn't get a choice, I am who I am. You on the other hand had the choice to cheat on mom!" I yelled back at the now silent man stood in front of me. Mom was horrified. Her mouth was agape, shaking her head from side to side. It was as if her world had crumbled in a single day. Her only son turned out to be 'a homosexual', her mother in law who she saw as her own mother was hospitalized with very little chance of pulling through, and found out her husband of twenty years has been cheating on her.
"I can't... this cannot be happening." She turned around gripping the roots of her hair.
"Look I can explain!" His predictable and nervous response wasn't fooling anyone.
"Oh really? SHOW ME YOUR PHONE THEN!" Her earth-shattering scream shook the house. My father's continued hesitance was all too telling.
Not too long after my mom broke out into another fit of sobs. Despite her treating me like a monster I couldn't help but to a little pity for her. What dad did was beyond scummy.
I watched as the petite woman traced her steps from the kitchen to the living room a dozen times over. She was a mess.
"If you knew this was going on me why didn't you tell me?! Why didn't you say something sooner?!" She bellowed, grabbing the collar of my shirt.
"Oh yes, Mommy? Daddy's been having sex with other women." I said in a goofy, mocking manner. It was uncalled for and definitely an unfitting time for such a display, but I most certainly wasn't going to be the only one humiliated tonight. They didn't think twice when chastising me for my sexuality, something I have no control over, yet they expect me to be mindful of their own feelings?
A sharp pain struck across my check. Mom had slapped me.
"Both of you, GET OUT. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE RIGHT... NOW!" She growled as she pointed for the door.
"Well I didn't want to be under the same roof as you two anyway." I said brushing another hand off of me before remembering to grab my phone from the table. It's ironic how this could've been prolonged or avoided all together if I hadn't forgotten it in the first place...
With a shattered heart and tears teasing my eyes I stormed out the front door into the winter like cold of the night.
It was shocking how little time it took for my life to fall apart. Just this morning we were all chatting as a happy family. School was good too, until Chad showed his ugly face.