The Secret The Cheerleader Doesn't... - Chapter 17: Chapter 17

JAELYNN'S POV
I've never really been an emotional person. My emotions sorta died when I was 12 after my parents passed. I've been trying to stay strong for my younger siblings and the only way for a child to do that is to be numb.
Growing up with mama and mom was probably the greatest thing that ever happened. They loved us... equally. They went to our events, paid attention to our grades, and were there if we ever needed someone...
But I was always independent.
In high school, I was always afraid I would be sent back. People tended to not like the older kids. They didn't like how many issues they had, how they weren't cute, how they may never truly see you as their parent. If the children are young, you can still raise them into doing things you relate to or like... but with preteens and teenagers... you really can't. Mama and mom never wanted to change me... they encouraged my differences.
When I wanted to try out for orchestra, mama told me that it was amazing and that she would do anything to help. I was shocked... since mama wasn't a fan of classical music and really didn't care for the arts. However, she got me a tutor to help me with the violin. She used to stay up with me, making me little snacks and bringing me drinks. She waited in the parking lot when I try out and when the results came back, she screamed and cheered with me when I got in. Mama was just as supportive with me about my arts as she was with the twins and their sports.
My phone went off, "Uh, hello?"
"Why aren't you at home?" Jessika asked.
Rubbing my forehead, I sighed, "I... I'll be home in a bit. I'm just... I just got caught up with some stuff."
"Okay... oh mom is home! She bought us pizza. I think she's super tired though. She's in her room," she said.
Jakob must have stolen her phone because he said, "She didn't even celebrate our win! Did you tell her we won?"
"I did," I mumbled.
"But she didn't seem like she knows," he sighed, "she always gets excited when we win... so does mama."
"Can we see mama tomorrow?" Jessika took her phone back, "It's a Saturday tomorrow so it's a good time to see her. Plus, I heard they have pancakes for them on Saturday! If mama knows we're coming, she'll definitely steal some for us!"
"Yeah... we can go tomorrow," I sighed, holding back on my tears, "okay.. well you guys eat up... I'll grab my stuff to come home."
"Got it!" They shouted and hung up.
I ran my hands through my hair as I quietly sobbed. I'm beginning to lose myself... I can't control my emotions... my tears and screams. It feels as if my body no longer listens to me. Crumbling further into the fluffy carpet, I bite down on my lip until it bleeds to keep myself from making noise.
Eight years ago, I told myself I would never allow someone to see how broken I am... because then they can see all that I have to lose... and I can't afford to lose anymore.
"Jaelynn," his voice was soft... softer than a whisper... welcoming and warm, but I couldn't let him help me... this was my pain... my suffering... and I would go through it alone.
"S-Stop," I wiped my tears that continued to fall, "I don't need your sympathy... your guidance or therapist views... I can get over this... I can. Just a momentary weakness... that is all this is." I could barely even convince myself... how could he be convinced?
He sat crisscrossed, hands in his lap as we did in preschool. "When I was twenty, I watched my family break apart because my dad had sex with my girlfriend. My mother blamed me... saying if I didn't bring her around so much, this wouldn't have happened. My dad defended my girlfriend and my girlfriend defended my dad... apparently, she was in love with him. She broke up with me in front of them all and my dad did the same with my mother right in front of me," he said, looking at the floor, "but none of that mattered to me... what mattered was my fourteen-year-old sister who was hiding at the top of the stairs... listening to it all. I didn't care what happened between those three... I just cared about my baby sister. So just like you, I buried my emotions to be strong for her. I moved out, had my sister move in with me. My parents divorced, my dad and my ex had two more children together... my dad forgot about us... my mom moved away and I haven't heard from her since... I wouldn't be surprised if she still blames me... I didn't learn to show my emotions until I met Norma... she showed me what a real woman is... what a real mother is... she showed me that, experiencing pain doesn't mean you are weak... it means you're strong enough to face it."
Looking up into his eyes, I saw him smile at me. Deep down... I hated myself. I was lying to myself for all these years... I still loved Jeremiah... but I can't have him... and I won't ruin his family.
Opening myself up a little, I nodded, "I see... thank you." He patted my head like always and stood up, helping me. He told Norma we were leaving, but right before we left, I hugged her. She was startled, but she hugged me back, even rubbing my back a little. Choking on tears, I muttered low enough for her to only hear, "Thank you for helping him become the man he is today... you are an incredible woman and I hope one day... I can help someone just like you... and one day be just as good of a mother as you."
Jeremiah dropped me off, telling me to stay safe and think clearly, "I know you want to tell Cassie about what you saw... but trust me Jaelynn... it will only hurt Cassie. Ani needs to be the one to tell her." When I walked in, I found mom carrying Jessika up to her room... she was out.
We both just stopped...stared at one another.
It seemed as if mom had been crying... I have never seen her cry before. She was always the strong one... the foundation of this family...seeing her puffy eyes and red face... made me want to cry...
How do I still have enough tears to cry?
I went and carried Jakob upstairs, tucking him in and kissing his forehead. When we left to go downstairs, I broke the silence, "The twins want to see mama tomorrow."
"Alright," she said.
Tossing the empty boxes away and putting the leftovers in bags, I again spoke up, "Mom... I want to believe you when you say nothing is happening with that woman... but I find it so hard... you've been distant from us... you've seemed to forget us at times. I want to trust you... I want to believe you... but how can I? I want everything to go back to how it was... with mama smiling and you actually enjoying being home... or have you never enjoyed it?"
She stopped cleaning and instead went to sit in one of the barstools. Hanging her head, she began, "For over twenty-two years... I have never once thought about anything but Cassie's health. Even when you kids came into the picture, I still worried for her. I love you all, but if Cassie isn't well... then none of you will be well. Because I know she puts you three first, I can put her first... Jaelynn... we are very similar. Neither of us wants others to see us cry... breakdown or to know we have low moments. To us, we can't have those vulnerable moments, because if the foundation cracks... everything comes tumbling. For years, I've programmed this way... I don't regret it and I definitely don't blame anyone... but the truth is... I don't know what to do anymore. If what I am doing isn't for Cassie, then what is my purpose? If I'm not living for Cassie... then what am I doing here?" She huffed. How old mom looks... how tired she looks. I never even noticed how old she was becoming. "Cassie is my life... I can't imagine living tomorrow without her somehow connected to me... but I have no idea what to do. DO I tell her that I have no recollection of what happened that night? Do I lie and say I did sleep with Jennifer just in case that's the truth... but what happens if it sets her off? What happens if she falls again? What the hell do I do?"
"Slept with Jennifer?" I asked, having a harder time breathing.
"Fuck," she mumbled, putting her hands on her face, "that night... when I didn't come home. I was plastered. I woke up and found myself naked in bed with Jennifer.... I don't even remember what happened. I was so drunk that everything is lost." I felt as if I was going to puke. "I've never been attracted to anyone but Cassie... hell, I can't even be sexually aroused unless it's Cassie in front of me... so I can't bring myself believe it happened, but I can't dismiss it," her voice was cracking and becoming weaker and weaker. "Every time I ask her, she replies with 'you should remember' or something sarcastic. This time when I asked, she kissed me. No matter how long I think about it, I can't remember... I feel like I'm losing my mind at this point."
Holding onto the counter, I process what she confessed. There is a possibility that mom cheated... but... what happens if she didn't do it consciously? What happens if it wasn't cheating but... but assault.
"Mom... you never drink that much," I mumbled, "how do you know Jennifer didn't... give you something?"
When I met her eyes, I saw horror.
Complete horror.