The Secret The Cheerleader Doesn't... - Chapter 23: Chapter 23
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She seemed very familiar. Quite and petite. Though I felt like I knew her, I couldn't remember an Alexandar in ASB. Especially an Alexandar that was friends with Antonia. The only reason I believe her, is because she called Antonia 'Ani'.
"Would you like some water?" She asked.
"Yes please," I muttered, trying hard to remember.
She brought it in mugs, which both had inspirational quotes on them. It felt as if I was in therapy. Those damn posters with the inspirational quotes... I swear every foot there was a new one. She settled in her seat and started the conversation, "I definitely didn't picture you to look like this."
"What did you imagine? Skimpy girl or something?"
"No," she said, "I thought you would either be in a wheelchair or a hospital bed for the rest of your life." Quick-witted. I remember a blonde girl from back then, but she was loud and very annoying. "I'm sorry if that was rude. Not going to lie, you weren't the kindest back then," she said.
"I also was mentally unstable and a danger to society," I responded, clenching my cup tightly, "I guess your insults are warranted... I was a bitch."
"You were... but now that I look back. It was obvious how sick you were," she took a sip from her drink, leaning back, "but so was Ani."
Intrigued, I asked, "What do you mean?"
"Months before your attempt, Ani was acting weird. She was working more, stressed more often, gloomy, and... scared. At first, Olivia and I believed it to be fear for the future. We two girls would even laugh. Ani was the smartest girl we knew... it made sense for her to stress like that," she set her cup down and took a deep breath, "but after you were admitted to the hospital and Ani was informed... she stopped coming to ASB. She went to school for her studies and left right as the bell was ringing. I only remember that because the work piled up. Olivia and I never realized how much work Ani did." She rambled about the dumbest things, but lightly skipped over the things I wanted to know. I was becoming more and more infuriated as I listened. "One day I was tired of it. Why was Ani visiting you so often? A girl who treated her like absolute shit. One who cheated and verbally harassed her everyday. So I went to see you... well Ani. When I walked into your room... I was just... I couldn't believe it."
"Believe what?" I hated her unnecessary pauses. It was as if she was wanting suspense to build up.
When I asked that question, she finally looked me in the eyes and said, "Ani was reading to you. She was reading a book called Never Let Me Go." I knew Antonia visited me often. I know she talked to me... even cussed me out from time to time, but reading... I never heard of that. "I was so angry when I found her doing that. I rushed in and yelled at her. I demanded to know why she was there, why she gave a damn about you. I wondered why she abandoned her friends for the like of you. But before I could finish my tangent, Ani told me just 'shut the fuck up'. She said I wouldn't get it and it wasn't my business to get it. She told me to not insult you and to keep my mouth shut if I was," she explained, "after a bit of time, however, she told me the story of your two. She told me what had happened... what you have done and what she did. She told me every little detail... nothing was hidden. After she finished, I just stared at her in disbelief. I couldn't grasp why she stayed with you... especially after everything you did. I remember telling her that as well, but all she said was 'because we are one'."
It was obvious she hated me and still did. I knew she did from the moment we spoke. A normal person would have walked away and not socialize with someone that despises them... but I was far from normal. I wanted to know what she hated... what she felt. I wanted to hear her side.
Because I still can't forgive myself.
"It didn't what I said or did, Ani still went to see... all the way up to graduation. She was valedictorian and yet she forfeited her speech... because she wanted to be with you," she finished.
I took one more sip before placing it down on the table. For a moment, I decided to just get up and walk away... but I wasn't going to walk away so easily, "So do you hate me because of what I did to Ani or because I took her from you and Olivia?"
She chuckled, "I hated you for both. For hurting my dear friend, for taking her accomplishments away, and taking her away from us." She shook her head, huffing, "Three years ago Olivia got into a car accident and died. I sent Ani an invitation... she never responded."
"I didn't know," I mumbled.
"You don't know anything," she whispered, her voice laced with anger, "the truth is, you're just a stupid girl who hides and hopes her problems disappear. You clung to Ani because you knew you could manipulate her. You don't love her... you use her."
"Maybe in your eyes," I said, making eye contact again, "to you, you see that... to you, you see a disgusting human. Just because you deem me as something, doesn't mean I am that. Yes, I did incredibly awful things. I made horrendous choices. I won't call them mistakes because mistakes happen once or twice, no I did it over and over again... knowing I was hurting her. Yes, I was inhumane, selfish, dangerous, and vile. Yes, I wanted to monopolize Ani and a piece of me still does, but you don't know anything. You don't know how many hours a day I pray to be better. You don't know how often I go to church to repent. You don't know how often I assault myself with the truths of my past. You have absolutely no idea what type of hell I have been facing to be better, so your opinions, thoughts, and words are nothing! The truth of the matter is this; do I deserve your hate - yes, do I deserve Antonia's anger - yes, do I deserve to have the life I have right now - yes I fucking do! I deserve the happiness I have and will have because I am changing, because I am putting in the work to do better by not only Antonia, but by myself and my children. So go ahead Mrs. Johnston and criticize me. Call me your insults and spit at me, but the truth is you are nothing but an outsider on our affairs." Standing up and walking around the couch, I head to the door and say, "I'm sorry I caused you, Olivia, and even Victoria Jean pain. I'm sorry I hurt your dearest friend. I'm sorry I took your friend away. I hope one day you won't see me as some monster anymore... well... if I can't stop seeing myself as that..... how can I expect you to?"
"Would you like some water?" She asked.
"Yes please," I muttered, trying hard to remember.
She brought it in mugs, which both had inspirational quotes on them. It felt as if I was in therapy. Those damn posters with the inspirational quotes... I swear every foot there was a new one. She settled in her seat and started the conversation, "I definitely didn't picture you to look like this."
"What did you imagine? Skimpy girl or something?"
"No," she said, "I thought you would either be in a wheelchair or a hospital bed for the rest of your life." Quick-witted. I remember a blonde girl from back then, but she was loud and very annoying. "I'm sorry if that was rude. Not going to lie, you weren't the kindest back then," she said.
"I also was mentally unstable and a danger to society," I responded, clenching my cup tightly, "I guess your insults are warranted... I was a bitch."
"You were... but now that I look back. It was obvious how sick you were," she took a sip from her drink, leaning back, "but so was Ani."
Intrigued, I asked, "What do you mean?"
"Months before your attempt, Ani was acting weird. She was working more, stressed more often, gloomy, and... scared. At first, Olivia and I believed it to be fear for the future. We two girls would even laugh. Ani was the smartest girl we knew... it made sense for her to stress like that," she set her cup down and took a deep breath, "but after you were admitted to the hospital and Ani was informed... she stopped coming to ASB. She went to school for her studies and left right as the bell was ringing. I only remember that because the work piled up. Olivia and I never realized how much work Ani did." She rambled about the dumbest things, but lightly skipped over the things I wanted to know. I was becoming more and more infuriated as I listened. "One day I was tired of it. Why was Ani visiting you so often? A girl who treated her like absolute shit. One who cheated and verbally harassed her everyday. So I went to see you... well Ani. When I walked into your room... I was just... I couldn't believe it."
"Believe what?" I hated her unnecessary pauses. It was as if she was wanting suspense to build up.
When I asked that question, she finally looked me in the eyes and said, "Ani was reading to you. She was reading a book called Never Let Me Go." I knew Antonia visited me often. I know she talked to me... even cussed me out from time to time, but reading... I never heard of that. "I was so angry when I found her doing that. I rushed in and yelled at her. I demanded to know why she was there, why she gave a damn about you. I wondered why she abandoned her friends for the like of you. But before I could finish my tangent, Ani told me just 'shut the fuck up'. She said I wouldn't get it and it wasn't my business to get it. She told me to not insult you and to keep my mouth shut if I was," she explained, "after a bit of time, however, she told me the story of your two. She told me what had happened... what you have done and what she did. She told me every little detail... nothing was hidden. After she finished, I just stared at her in disbelief. I couldn't grasp why she stayed with you... especially after everything you did. I remember telling her that as well, but all she said was 'because we are one'."
It was obvious she hated me and still did. I knew she did from the moment we spoke. A normal person would have walked away and not socialize with someone that despises them... but I was far from normal. I wanted to know what she hated... what she felt. I wanted to hear her side.
Because I still can't forgive myself.
"It didn't what I said or did, Ani still went to see... all the way up to graduation. She was valedictorian and yet she forfeited her speech... because she wanted to be with you," she finished.
I took one more sip before placing it down on the table. For a moment, I decided to just get up and walk away... but I wasn't going to walk away so easily, "So do you hate me because of what I did to Ani or because I took her from you and Olivia?"
She chuckled, "I hated you for both. For hurting my dear friend, for taking her accomplishments away, and taking her away from us." She shook her head, huffing, "Three years ago Olivia got into a car accident and died. I sent Ani an invitation... she never responded."
"I didn't know," I mumbled.
"You don't know anything," she whispered, her voice laced with anger, "the truth is, you're just a stupid girl who hides and hopes her problems disappear. You clung to Ani because you knew you could manipulate her. You don't love her... you use her."
"Maybe in your eyes," I said, making eye contact again, "to you, you see that... to you, you see a disgusting human. Just because you deem me as something, doesn't mean I am that. Yes, I did incredibly awful things. I made horrendous choices. I won't call them mistakes because mistakes happen once or twice, no I did it over and over again... knowing I was hurting her. Yes, I was inhumane, selfish, dangerous, and vile. Yes, I wanted to monopolize Ani and a piece of me still does, but you don't know anything. You don't know how many hours a day I pray to be better. You don't know how often I go to church to repent. You don't know how often I assault myself with the truths of my past. You have absolutely no idea what type of hell I have been facing to be better, so your opinions, thoughts, and words are nothing! The truth of the matter is this; do I deserve your hate - yes, do I deserve Antonia's anger - yes, do I deserve to have the life I have right now - yes I fucking do! I deserve the happiness I have and will have because I am changing, because I am putting in the work to do better by not only Antonia, but by myself and my children. So go ahead Mrs. Johnston and criticize me. Call me your insults and spit at me, but the truth is you are nothing but an outsider on our affairs." Standing up and walking around the couch, I head to the door and say, "I'm sorry I caused you, Olivia, and even Victoria Jean pain. I'm sorry I hurt your dearest friend. I'm sorry I took your friend away. I hope one day you won't see me as some monster anymore... well... if I can't stop seeing myself as that..... how can I expect you to?"
End of The Secret The Cheerleader Doesn't... Chapter 23. Continue reading Chapter 24 or return to The Secret The Cheerleader Doesn't... book page.