The Secret The Cheerleader Doesn't... - Chapter 32: Chapter 32

Ani Pov
"Get the fuck out. Get out. Don't come back."
She said it so viciously... as if she actually meant every word... as if it wasn't just words spewed out of anger.  Her eyes... her face... it felt as if that was it... that she no longer needed me.  That she no longer cared whether or not I was part of her life.
And I was slightly scared.
"She was just angry," Jennifer said, resting her head on her palm, "she'll come around."
"I just don't get it," I mumbled, watching the other cars fly on by, "she's acting as if I hadn't done anything for Cassie.  As if I was treating her awfully.  I provided for Cassie... I purposefully took on everything so she wouldn't have a breakdown.  I made it possible for her to live normally!  I provided her somewhat of a normal life!  So why is everyone so mad?  Blaming me?  Acting as if I was abusing her?  She's the one that would hit me!  The one who forced me down and bit me all over the place!  She was the cheater, the liar, the manipulator!  So why am I being blamed for finally doing something for myself!"
I was heaving... my body hot with rage.  My chest went up and down, up and down.  It felt as if I was boiling and needed someone to turn off the flame.
Jennifer.
I glanced over to her.  She was quiet, staring back.  We were right in front of her house... she was listening to me.  Looking into her eyes, knowing she was fully paying attention to me... I felt this need... this want to reach out.
To be held and embrace.... not be the one holding and embracing.
~
The city's lights were clear from Jennifer's backyard.  It was nice... refreshing.  There was a nippy breeze tonight.  Getting chilly, I slightly tugged the silk robe up... hugging myself a little.  Though my body was sweating, pulsating, and on fire just a couple moments ago... I was cold again.
I was empty again.
The emptiness was killing me.
It was controlling me.
Suddenly tears fell from my eyes and I kneeled over screaming.  Pain, sorrow, grief, anger, frustration, betrayal, sadness, and more just came plummeting out.  I just kept screaming.  I pushed harder and harder for noise... until my throat was raw and slightly numb.
And when no noise could come out anymore, I fell to my knees... watching the tears fall to the ground.
The last time I felt this emptiness... this anger and pain... was when Cassie tried to kill herself.  It felt as if someone had tied rope around each limb and forcefully tired to rip them off.  I felt miserable... lost... broken... as if a massive hole was in the middle of my body.
"I-I'm losing you again," I couldn't even hear myself, "I'm losing you... you promised to stay... to love me no matter what.  You promised... you fucking promised.... you promised to never leave me again."
~
As I came out of the shower, Jennifer was waking up.  It was around seven-thirty... about the time Cassie woke.  I knew she woke up early... that she would stare at me and admire me.  I could feel her lightly trace my lips... hum a song once in a while.  Those were the only moments we had to just be us.
Cassie and Ani.
"Good morning," Jennifer wrapped her arms around me, kissing my shoulder, "just saying, it's way more fun when you're sober.... who knew you were so adventurous."
Sick.
That's what I was feeling.
Instead of speaking, I just smiled at her and nodded.  She gave me another kiss - this time on my cheek - then left to shower.  When she got in and I knew she was in, I got dressed and left.
And I drove to work and after work, I drove home...
To the kids.
To Cassie.
~
As I pulled up to the house, there were no lights.  I was confused and as I found out no one was home, I became paranoid.  Immediately I called Jaelynn.  Three rings and then decline.  I called again to just meet the same fate.
So I called Cassie.
One ring.
Two ring.
Three ring.
Four ring.
Five ring.
"Please pick up," I muttered.
"Hello?" It was a male's voice.
My heart stopped, "Who is this?"
"The bartender," he said, "this chick passed out here.  I came to answer after I heard it keep ringing.  Mind picking her up?"
"A blonde woman?" I asked.
"Yep," he said, a bit of background noise cutting him off, "she seems to be having a rough day."
Cassie is drinking again?  Alcohol and drugs don't mix well... she should have known that... she does know that.  Is she slipping back?  Is she relapsing?  Wait - is she alive.  The alcohol could have caused poisoning when mixed with her medication.
Her medication.
I stopped breathing, "When was the last time I picked up her medication?"
"What?" The guy's voice threw me off.
"Uh sorry.  Yeah, I'll come to get her.  Where is she?" I ran back to the car.
"At the Raven's Den near main," he said.
"Thank you, I'll be there soon," then hung up.  As I was driving, I started to hit myself, "You're so fucking stupid.  How could I forget her medication?  It has to have been almost a month now... fuck."
At every red light, I cussed and almost every driver that cut me off was insulted.  By the time I got to the bar, it was already one in the morning.  Quickly I flashed my ID and walked in to see a girl passed out at the bar.
Cassie.
Heading over, I shake her a bit, "Cassie, wake up.  We have to go."
"She's out cold," the bartender said, "tried waking her up multiple times... nothing."
"Thank you for answering her phone," I said, still trying to get her up.
"I'll help," he said, coming around the counter and helping me take her to my car.  Once she was buckled up, I turned around and thanked him once more.  "She has a drinking problem, doesn't she?"
"What?"
"As she was sitting at the bar, she was fighting the urge to buy something.  I've seen it a lot with drinkers.  They'll come, stare, and leave with nothing," he said, lighting a cigarette.
"She didn't drink?" I asked.
He shook his head, "Not a single drop of water either."
Instantly I felt better.  If Cassie had relapsed... it would mean trouble.  I thanked the man once more and started heading home.  It was silent in the car, however, every few minutes I could hear her soft breathing.  She sounded like a baby... an infant.  I clung to those little noises... I waited for them to present themselves every few minutes.
This was the most peaceful we've been with one another.
I swung by our drug store that was open 24/7.  Paying for her medication, I got a water and headed back to the car.  Uncapping a the bottle and taking out what she needed, I shake her again, "Cassie, you have to take your medication.  Cassie."
The more and more I said her name, the more her eyelids flickered.  Then she slightly opened her eyes, blinking a couple times, "Ani?"
"Cassie, you need to take your meds," I said, holding it up for her to see.
"Ani," she mumbled, obviously in a state of delirium, "I saw Elijah."  Silence.  We never spoke of him... we pretended as if he never existed.  Cassie didn't like to talk about him and she never thought of him, because when she did... she fell into an attack.  "Did you know we looked the same?  Blonde hair, blue eyes, the same smile... even the same dimples," she was twisting her head a little.  Maybe she hurt herself, "He used to pick me up from school and take me to this little shop on our street.  It  had these cute little pins that the girls would trade at school.  Stupid little things they were... but because I told him how popular they were and that I needed one - he bought me new ones every week.... just so the other girls liked me."
"Cassie, you need to take your medicine," stop talking.
"He used to stand up for me you know," she continued to mumble... telling me things that would haunt me forever, "one time, my mom...  I lost a beauty pageant.  I came in second... there was this girl who could juggle... my cute little dance didn't hold a penny to that."  Tears fell from my eyes.  "So when we got home, my mom grabbed me and shoved me into the counter.  I slipped of course and slammed my forehead against the corner... for a while, I couldn't remember what happened next, but now... I remember.  I was bleeding everywhere and mom was screaming at me... blaming me.  She screamed that I was fucking useless... ugly, disgusting, a piece of shit.  Why couldn't I have been the one to die," she coughed a bit.
I stared at her when she said that.
Is she talking about Elijah?  Why did Elijah die and not her?
"But then Elijah came home from school and he shoved her away."
Who died?
"He screamed at her to stop and that I didn't do anything wrong... but when he screamed at her... she just cried," she coughed harder this time, pushing herself up a little, "she always cried."
She looked me in the eyes, smiling just a little.  For moment... I was scared.
Was she planning on leaving?
Where would she go?
How long?
Could I come too?
Then she broke the gaze and coughed a bit more, "Give it to me."
"What?"
She then ripped the medicine from my hands and downed it with the water.  I watched her lay back and breathe heavily.  I wanted to help her... I wanted to stop the pain.. stop the mind from racing.
What could I do?
Would breathing exercises work?
Maybe coloring?  No, I think a walk would do best... maybe I can get the wheelchair from the house and help.  That's best.  If she has an episode, it's best to do it at home.  That way if police or restraint is needed, I can do that easily.
"There you go again," she muttered, "being a therapist."
"I'm worried," I said, "I am always worried about you."
"That's why you can't love me," she said, making me... mad.  "Antonia... Ani... my love... my locket... I know you need to leave," she whispered, both of us getting choked up, "I don't blame you... I know you're tired.  I know you want a real relationship... not luggage."
"Shut up," I muttered, "you keep speaking for me."
"Then speak," I glanced up at her... seeing her smile, "speak."
Then tears formed.
"I am so fucking confused... things were fine... normal.  We got along, the kids were happy, you were happy... life was good.  You stayed home and helped out there, while I went to work and did everything I could to provide you a comfortable life.  Before, I didn't care whether or not I was happy... if I was mentally okay.  What mattered was you Cassidy.  I cared that your medication was on time, you were eating, no drugs or alcohol near you, that you were safe, that you were mentally stable for at least that day... for at least the time when I wasn't around.  My life was you.  My mind couldn't rest unless it knew you were okay, that you were happy, that you weren't pretending anymore!" I was shouting now... my hands in tight fists, "After reading you journal, hearing your stories, learning about the mind, and seeing you... I wanted to vomit... to murder your parents.  I wanted to fix what they have done wrong!  I didn't want you to pretend anymore!  I hated myself for never seeing the obvious signs back then!  For passing new bruises and cuts as cheer incidents... for being stupid enough not to see the pain you were facing.  I'm sick to my stomach with myself... I can't look in mirrors anymore... I can't stand myself!  Because I allowed it to happen!  I was so self-absorbed... I cared for myself, not you.  I lied and said I wanted to know you, but I truly didn't... I wanted you to be mine because... because... because everyone wanted you."
Realization... the cold harsh truth.
I only got with Cassie because I wanted to take what everyone wanted.
No.
No.
No.
NO!
I wanted to scream... to pummel myself.  I wanted to punish myself.
"Enough," she said, "enough Antonia."  Looking at her face, I saw another side... I side I have never seen.  Her eyes cold, no emotion.  Her face pale, but red on her cheeks.  A face I was unfamiliar with.
There were parts of her I still didn't know.
"You're confusing yourself," she said, sighing a little, "it's obvious that Jennifer has manipulated you... which I'm not surprised about."  Pushing herself up a little more, she folded her hands on her lap, "I'm going to be away for a couple of weeks... maybe a month."
"What?" Panic... that's what I felt.
"I need to do something," she said, "while I'm gone, I want you to transfer all of my things: medication, car, insurance... all of it, under me.  I want you to spend time with the kids.  I know you have over two months of vacation time that you've never used.  Use it.  I want you to be with them, go to their events, take them to victory dinners, and support them mentally and emotionally... not financially.  I want you to spend the hours that they are in school working on yourself.  Figuring out what the actual fuck you want.  I want you to look inside and see where you messed up and how to fix it.... because we both fucked up.  I didn't step up... I hid away and acted like a child... plugging my ears with my fingers and screaming as loud as I could.  I relied far too much on you and now it's causing issues.... I'll become independent... I'll figure it out, but you need to figure yourself out Antonia Louisa Meryl."  She then grabbed my face, smashing her lips on mine.  For a moment, I felt awful... the memory of Jennifer came through... but then I reacted to her.  I kissed back, pulling her closer to me.  I needed to feel her... I needed more of the hunger that was building, more of the want... the pleasure.  But she pulled back, breathing as heavy as me, "I'll make this clear.  I want you.  I only want you.  I can look past everything.  I really don't care that you've cheated, that you've walked away and broke Jaelynn.  I do not care, because I know that isn't Antonia.  I know who Antonia is and I'll fucking wait.  However, by the time I come back from where I am going... if you haven't figured out what you wanted and have agreed to treat me as your equal... then I will fill for divorce."
The determination... the fire.  It was something Cassie never had before.
And truthfully... I believe that is what I wanted to see.