The Secret The Cheerleader Doesn't... - Chapter 7: Chapter 7

"Do you want pancakes tomorrow or waffles?" I asked everyone.
"WAFFLES!" The twins screamed, making me chuckle.
"Inside voices please," Jaelynn groaned.  She has been studying for her upcoming midterm.  Poor thing has been surviving off of coffee and monsters.
I wrote on a sticky note what breakfast would be and smacked it onto the fridge.  Tomorrow was Saturday... meaning I finally had a day off with my family.
"Where's mama?" Jakob asked.
"She's upstairs," Jessika flicked his nose, "I think she's napping or something."
"Was she feeling sick earlier?" I asked, quickly taking off my shoes.
"No clue," Jessika shrugged, "can Jakob and I play outside?"
"In the back," I yelled as I charged upstairs.  In normal relationships, it's normal for couples to spend sometime doing their own thing; it's healthy.  However with Cassie, that's not the case.
She tends to dive into a hole that's filled with the voices of her mind when she's alone.  I've encouraged her to get another job when we moved here, but she said she wanted to make sure the house was doing well.  She goes to meet with her friends in the neighborhood and even the ones she made when Jessika and Jakob used to go to daycare. No matter how crazy her days were or how tired she was, she was always near me at the end of it.  She would rather pass out on me than be alone.
Knocking on the door, I hear a faint 'come in'.  Inside was dark and chilly.  The windows were open.  I went to shut them when I saw Cassie lying on her side in our bed.  After locking them, I went over to her.  Kneeling in front of her, I placed my hand on her forehead, "What's wrong baby?"
"Just tired," she mumbled.
"What has your mind been telling you to make you so tired?" I asked.  Tears formed in her eyes as she snuggled closer to my hand.
Sniffling, she said, "You know me too well."
"That's what happens when people are together for almost all of their life," I smiled.  I took one of her hands and kissed her palm and each of her fingers.  After that I held it as tightly as I could as I kissed her nose, "What's wrong Cassie?"
"Today... today was hard," her tears stained our sheets.  They slowly cascaded down her cheeks, glistening as the moon hit them.  "It's always hard when you aren't around," she muttered, "but today... today I really wanted you here."
Keeping in my own pain, I asked, "What made it really hard today?"
"My mind," her voice was barely audible. It sounded as if it hurt to speak. "I kept thinking of the past Antonia... about what I did," the tears came down even more.
"Why? We placed that in the past Cassie."
"Elena," she whispered, scooting closer to me, "her husband is leaving her... Elena was such a good woman. She did everything for him and he... he just left."
"Do you think I'll leave?" The question was hard to ask. I know the paranoia of me just walking away in burned so deep into her.
If her parents, the ones who are supposed to love her no matter what left her and hurt her, whose to say I won't?
She hiccuped, gripping my hand as hard as she could, "I... I kept thinking about how I don't deserve you.... I... I don't deserve this wonderful life Antonia... I don't deserve your dedication, your kindness, your concern, your love... none of it... but here you are... tolerating me. Dealing with my outbursts." There was nothing I could say right now. She was having an attack and all I could do was listen and hold her. She was no longer violent... actually no... she was violent.
She was violent to herself.
I watched as she degraded herself, destroyed her meaning and her life apart. She condemned herself and insulted herself. No matter how much I objected in this moment, it would only fuel her to do more damage.
"Ani," she whispered, "no matter what you do... if you yell at me, curse at me, hit me even... I'll always forgive you. I'll always see you as my world... I promise. There is nothing you can do to make me not love you Ani... you can rip me apart, break my legs and arms, torture me, even try to kill me... do whatever you want but please... please, please, please... don't leave me. I don't wanna be alone anymore... I'll forgive you... I don't have the right to ever be mad at you... not with what I did... you're my life Ani... you're my reason.... so please, please stay."
She won't remember this. She'll just remember the feeling but not her words. She'll remember I was here with her, but not how I could basically do nothing.
She'll only remember her snapping and continue to blame herself.
~
Around eleven forty, I went downstairs to get some water. Jaelynn was still sitting at the kitchen table studying. I cut her up some fruits and put it beside her, "Make sure to drink some water. Caffeine may keep your eyes open but water will keep your mind working."
I turned to leave, but Jaelynn spoke up, "Mom, can I say something... even if it isn't my place to do so?"
"Of course," I said, "I won't punish you for speaking your mind, especially when you ask for a safe place."
She put her glasses on the counter and twisted her body to face me. Placing her hands on her lap, she sighed, "I know you and mama have a love that runs deeper than anyone I have ever met... I owe my life to the both of you... but..." She struggled to speak, but she did one of the exercises from the textbook and looked me in the eyes, "I love you mom... more than anyone, but please... please don't let mama keep hurting herself."
Taken back, I asked, "What do you mean?"
"You know what I mean mom," she said, "that night you didn't come home, you acting weirdly, and the that Jennifer woman coming here... I can tell it's making mama... it's messing with her. I'm not saying you are doing anything bad but... please just talk to mama. I can see how she's trying to control her head but... it's obvious that she's loosing grip... even the twins noticed."
I wanted to smash something. I wanted to burn Jennifer on a fucking stake.
But I hid it.
"Thank you for speaking to me about this Jaelynn. I'll make sure to handle it. Now, focus on your studies. What happens with mama and I is between us. I don't want any of you three kids getting caught up in our issues," I walked over to her and kissed her head. After that I went straight to my office.
Afraid of having anyone see the beast deep in me.