The Secret The Cheerleader Doesn't... - Chapter 9: Chapter 9

CASSIE POV
"Good afternoon Cassidy, it's been a while," Dr. Martin said as he closed the door behind me, "I'm happy to see that you are doing well."
Taking a seat on his blue couch, I looked around the room and played with my fingers. It's been years since I went to mandatory therapy... sitting in this office again makes... remember too much. After moving back into a city, I struggled to adjust. Antonia called in some favors and had me meet Dr. Martin. I saw him for about a year and no longer needed the service.
A part of me feels like a failure being back here again.
"So what do you want to discuss?" He pulled out the notebook, one similar to what Antonia had back when I was in the hospital.
Twisting my index softly, I muttered, "I've been... I can't control myself too well right now."
"Can you give me a bit more information?"
"Lately, I struggle to stay present. I keep getting lost in thought. Sometimes I'll even do something and the next moment I find myself somewhere else," my heart was racing, "I'm not sure if I'm dissociating or if I'm just so lost in thought that I'm just flowing through my movements."
"I see," I could hear his pencil scribbling away, "do you know wha the stressor could be?"
"Yes," I muttered, "there's this woman... her name is Jennifer. She works with Antonia."
"What about her?"
Biting the inside of my cheek, I whispered, "I... I don't feel good with Antonia being near her... I... I'm insecure."
"Do you think Antonia is having an affair?"
"No," I instantly said, shouting slightly, "Antonia isn't like that. She's a loyal person, always has been. I'm the one who always went around and did stuff with others."
"Cassidy," it's that voice I despise... the one that is all soft and kind when an authoritative figure is lecturing you, "you cannot continue to beat yourself over the past."
I quickly changed the topic, "I don't trust Jennifer... I don't trust that she won't do something to Antonia... like nothing violent... not like... not like I did... I just don't like them alone. I hate that about myself. I hate how sensitive I am... I must be so annoying... Ani constantly has to walk on eggshells... I hate it.. I hate myself... I hate it, I hate it, I hate it..." I kept repeating it over and over, hitting my fists onto my knees. I didn't even realize I was doing it until Dr. Martin got down on his knees to look at my face.
"Cassidy, place your hands gently on your lap... open palm," he was being nice... too nice to a person like me.
Slowly I followed his command and did a breathing exercise. After a couple minutes I continued with my thoughts, "I'm afraid that if I keep... if I think badly of Jennifer, Antonia will leave me."
"Can you describe Jennifer to me Cassidy?"
"Very pretty... smart too. She's a prosecutor that works with Antonia on cases. She seems nice... I mean I was rude to her the other day. She stopped by to speak to Antonia and I started acting poorly because of what I have been feeling recently... I even ended up having Jaelynn getting involved... I'm a horrible mother... what mother allows her child to defend her? It's the responsibility of the parent to protect the child not the other way around. I'm so awful, I don't deserve my family... not after everything. Not after what I have put them through, with my illnesses and all-" "Cassidy," he pulled me from my thoughts... making me bite hard on my lip.
"From what I've read about her, she's a very capable lawyer. She's about 34 a day has been awarded a lot of titles and thanks," I rubbed my arms, trying my hardest to stay in control, "I feel... when I pictured Antonia with someone... I see someone like her."
"What do you mean?" He asked.
My breathing was becoming heavy again, so I closed my eyes to focus on it, "Antonia is so... very successful. She deserves someone just as capable as her and Jennifer seems to be that... I don't really match that."
"Do you think being a stay-at-home mom isn't work?" He asked, "You help keep the house running Cassidy. Without you, the house would be in shambles. There has been a report that Stay-At-Home moms would be paid much more than the average nine to five worker. Think of this; if you weren't who you were, Antonia wouldn't be able to succeed."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"If Antonia had to worry about the house and her job, she wouldn't be able to be in the position she is now. You basically allow her to go and chase after her career goals, so be proud of yourself," he said.
~
After leaving my session, I felt a little better. Dr. Martin had told me that I should attend some mine activities, such as tai-chi or yoga outside of the house. I think I'm going to find a hiking group so I can be outside a bit more. I found out I tend to think better when I'm outside.
Driving to the twins schools, I grabbed my phone and messaged Antonia:
"I'm sorry for my behavior recently. Can we please speak tonight?"
A couple seconds later she replied with:
"No need to apologize my Love. I'm just happy you are feeling better. I should be home by 8 tonight."
I waited and waited... but Antonia never came home.