The Secret The Cheerleader Doesn't... - Chapter 91: Chapter 91

Cassie POV
Do you ever just stick back and think of how far you've come?
There was a time when I was obsessed with the size of my waist, if my hair looked perfect, if there was a budge on my stomach... a time where my only understanding of love was through pain and violence. To think I could be so different now.
Lately, I've been thinking of how much I've changed. My dependency on Antonia, my need to dominate her and be her one and only... never did I consider children in the past, for the kids would take her attention from me. My obsession of having her love me drove my life... pushed me to extremes... I was sick back then.
Pouring tea for myself, I remembered the times I would run for three to four hours, pushing myself. How I would eat little to no calories and whatever I did consume, I threw it up. Now I lay on the couch eating Oreos during a movie... how different.
I was always the prettiest girl in school, liked for my looks. I've experienced many unflattering situations with men, some due to my own actions and others that were thrusted upon me. The only woman I had ever been with is Antonia... the only person I've truly loved is Antonia.
Moving to the couch, I look at the pictures on the walls. I wasn't as beautiful as I was back then. I was chunkier, tanner, sloppier... but I'm happier. I may not look like a model, but I looked like a wife, a mother, a grandmother... and that was far more important to me. Sipping on my tea I listened for the morning steps of my wife. She dragged her feet since she wasn't a morning person.
I closed my eyes and imagined her routine, a small smile coming onto my face. When I heard her coming down the stairs, I got up and poured her a cup of coffee. She turned the corner and instead of greeting me or going about her business, she embraced me from behind, leaving a kiss on my cheek. "Good morning," I muttered.
"Morning," she grumbled, her hair a little messy. I held up her coffee for her to see and she kissed my cheek once more, "You're a goddess."
I grabbed our eggs and bacon for breakfast, as she sat on the stools and watched.  Life went by too fast.  Though it's never been easy... it seems like I had just met Antonia yesterday.
"Antonia?" I called.
"Yes?"
"What's the answer to number five?"  I asked, cracking pepper on the eggs.
She didn't reply for a bit, probably confused on where I was going, but she always understood me, "X equals forty-eight."
A little grin came onto my face, "How did you figure it out?"
"Cause I remember everything about you," she said. I placed her eggs on a plate and walked over to her, handing it over. She stared up at me, admiring my eyes I bet, "You wore a pink dress that day... it was a t-shirt dress that had a baby cactus in the top left corner. Your hair was curled. Your bangs braided back and clipped with bobby-pins that blended into your hair color. You wore brown sandals that were crossed in the back - covering your heel. Mascara, lipgloss, and blush was all you wore. You had a tan backpack that had a white puff ball hooked to the top zipper. Your binder was coral and filled with cute covers. All your pencils were cute, your pencil pouch, pens, and more... nothing was left plain. Your nails were clipped a bit longer than your fingertip and it was painted nude. Your middle finger had a sunflower on it. Your right hand has a bracelet on it that said 'trust God with all' and your reading book was a Bible story."
She was right... each bit of it. I was struggling with the math problems and I knew and understood it. She was different from the rest... didn't admire me for looks or strive to be my friend. I also knew she was smart, so I confided in her... and my little question would bloom into this.
Antonia sighed, breaking the yoke, "I found you to be annoying at first... a girl who prioritized artificial things over truly important subjects... but I quickly learned to love you."
"Weren't you afraid of that love?"
"I was afraid you would reject me," she admitted, "I was never afraid of being lesbian... I didn't care that I was lesbian. I just wanted to be your girlfriend."
"In another life, maybe our story was simple."
"Then our lives weren't fully lived," she said, "the chaos is what makes us, us."
"But it would have been nice to just be... normal. To be two people in love, no trauma or issues to interfere," I said.
"Our trauma and issues made us love each other more," she shrugged, "being perfect is to be undesirable. Why would I want perfection?"
"Why wouldn't you?"
"Because perfection is imperfect," she said, this time our eyes meeting. "To be perfect is to have the greatest flaw. Life is just miserable... unhappy... an annoyance when you're perfect. Why would I want all that?" I didn't understand her words, but I understood her feelings.
Taking her hand, I sighed, "You're very odd."
"And that is what makes me imperfect," she smiled, "which makes me perfect."
~
In bed Antonia laid in my arms. She was fast asleep as I was staring off at in the darkness. There was a time in my life where that was all I could see... dark, darker, darkest. It was a pit that only grew faded over the years.
Taking a deep breath, my eyes became heavy. Sleep would overcome me and this would be just another day. A day that I was able to wake up to and live through... a simple, unimportant day.