the summer of 1993 ── dohwa baek - Chapter 15: Chapter 15

Dohwa was busy solving sums in his remedial class.
Or at least he was trying to.
He spared a curious glance at Su-ae, who looked just as lost as he was. She was oscillating her green mechanical pencil with its end secured between her teeth—a habit of hers whenever she was trapped in a reverie. Directing her blank stare to the wall straight ahead, she turned entirely motionless, as if her character had gone AFK.
There was a brief moment in which Dohwa contemplated whether or not he should call out to her, disturbing her daydreaming in the process. A dilemma, truly, because she was the only person in this room that he knew well enough to strike up a conversation with, and he was dying from boredom, but he felt somewhat awkward trying to speak in an agonisingly quiet atmosphere.
Long story short, his restlessness got the best of him.
"Psst!" His delicate whisper was set afloat with a fresh batch of gales that sneaked in through the class window. "Su-ae."
The girl sat upright, immediately snapping her neck in Dohwa's direction.
"What?"
"Did'cha solve anything?"
She deadpanned. "Are you seriously asking me that?"
So this conversation was going to lead nowhere. How unfortunate. He'd have to manifest a new topic from thin air instead; and he knew exactly what, or who, to talk about. Not like he had been deliberately waiting for an excuse to mention his human diary or anything. Totally not.
"Remember Y/N? The one I told you and Eunhyeok about?"
Su-ae pinched her brows together in a frown. "...Yeah. The one you talk to on call every day, right?"
"Yeah, well, she has this friend called Seojun, and let's just say," He shifted a bit to emphasize his words, "that it's a complicated situation. He has liked her for about a while now. She's, at best, neutral about him, or she thought she was until recently. It was her birthday a few days ago and he got her a pretty thoughtful gift, just like anyone would for their crush. She ended up liking it a lot." There was a short pause in which he searched the depth of Su-ae's eyes. "Does that... does that mean she reciprocates his feelings?"
A slow, knowing smile found her lips. "Oho... I see how it is."
"Huh?" Dohwa blinked. "What do you mean?"
"Nothing." She brushed it off with a shrug. "To answer your question—no, that doesn't necessarily mean she likes him back. But gestures like these can act as a catalyst to amplify her feelings for him. If he kept at it, she'd end up tripping and boom," A clap of her hands resonated around them. "Classic high school love story."
He nodded, registering her words at his own pace. His heart stuttered a bit, a painful tug following the fleeting sensation that was set aflame — this was something that had happened in the past whenever he saw Eunhyeok with Su-ae. However, it couldn't be the case this time. It definitely couldn't. He'd been seeing them together every goddamn minute of the day, but the burning inferno had long reduced to a dead flicker, no longer seizing his lungs.
Why was that bloody contraption of his repeating the same old antics? Why did his chest tighten so much?
"Anyway," He started, ignoring the momentary discomfort. "What sort of gift should I get her? Y'know, I'm pretty competitive."
"My God. You've never cared enough to get gifts for someone. What's going on?"
"She's a really close friend." There was an unnoticeable tremor in his voice as he repeated the term 'friend' inside his head. "You know, just like you."
Even more than you.
"...Then I suppose she deserves the best treatment."
"I think I might collapse."
A scowl clung to Dohwa's lips, as if painted in a single stroke by a famed artist's brush. Despite his concerned expression, his tone took the sarcastic route so as to not betray the transparency that might otherwise give Y/N an opportunity to tease him.
"If you fall, you might take the whole booth down with you. Stand straight."
She clicked her tongue. "I'm serious. I haven't had a proper night's sleep in months."
"Can't you force your brain to dream of good things again?"
"What good things?"
"Like me." He said with a cheeky smile, "You'll feel much better after seeing me, I promise."
She scoffed on the other end, exaggerating her disbelief. "Just say you want to meet me. What's so weird about admitting that with a full chest?"
"And you say I'm the narcissist out of the two of us."
"That you are. I simply know my worth."
"You should know my worth too. I mean, Su-ae does." Dohwa muttered quietly, bracing himself for yet another curse. Perhaps a snarky remark. Maybe even a retort. Something like, 'There's no way she does.' His answer to all the above options was already cooked and served, that being:
Haha, that's right. Su-ae still knows me better than anyone in the world.
A lie through and through, but convincing enough to get her thinking.
"Hm?" Y/N suddenly grew enthusiastic, shattering the boy's haughtiness to smithereens. "Does she finally like you back? That's great news!"
...Well, now he was just disappointed.
"What if she does?"
"Then I'd feel bad for Eunhyeok... but I'd be overall happy because someone like you managing to attract someone like her would be an event worth celebrating."
"I..." He inhaled sharply, racking through his vocabulary to find something fitting. "Oh."
Oh. What a brilliant thing to say.
Dohwa took a moment to hold his phone away from his ear, running a palm over his features. Did he actually expect her to get envious? Did he subconsciously try to get a reaction out of her? Did he—
God. Was he trying to validate whatever he felt after hearing about Seojun, hoping that he wasn't the only one?
Downright embarrassing on his part.
"On a serious note, what did you mean by her knowing your worth?"
He swallowed thickly. "Um... nothing, really. She's still with Eunhyeok, if that's what you're asking."
"Whew. You could've caught a dating scandal even before debuting..." Y/N trailed off, causing Dohwa to lift the corners of his mouth in amusement.
"Scandal or not, I'll always have one person who will cheer for me until the very end."
"Yeah, yeah, Su—"
"You."
He grabbed ahold of an apple—his dinner for the day. Digging his teeth into the fruit's flesh, he attempted to stabilise the surge of emotions that coursed through his veins akin to the everflowing waves of a waterfall. He had certainly lost his ability to flirt, and he had no one to blame for it other than his manager who was working him to the bone.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
"Get over yourself. You can't hold a single note."
"You didn't deny my claim, though."
"I'm denying it."
"You don't mean it."
"I do."
"I do too! Now we're married."
Y/N audibly gasped. "I need a divorce this instant!"
"You're throwing away a man with a face that was crafted by Aphrodite herself? Some nerve you have, old lady."
"Stop calling me old lady, you filthy garlic jacket. I'm younger than you."
"You agree to the part about me being ethereal, I see."
She released a grunt of dissatisfaction, fueling Dohwa's joy further. "I hope you flop."
"I bet you'd still be right there in the front row, attending all my concerts."
"With a bowl of tomatoes so I can throw them at you accurately."
He grinned, leaning against the smooth surface of his table; one of the very few pieces of furniture he had in his room. "Tomatoes are red, red is the colour of passion, so what you're saying indirectly is that you want me."
"Yes, I want you—to disappear."
"I won't disappear, ever." He said with a rather forlorn smile, resting his eyes upon the core of the apple he had just finished. "But you might."
Y/N made a confused sound. "Dude? I'm not going anywhere. Unless that was a threat from you..."
"Hey! I am a smart, capable human being, okay?" Dohwa raised the pitch of his voice, "I'd never kidnap someone as annoying as you to make my life worse."
"Alright. Bye."
"Wait, no—"
Beep.
Ah, there went his transient source of happiness.
His gaze was glued to the screen of his phone for several minutes before he decided to give up the hopes of her calling again, opening his browser to surf through the internet instead. He hadn't stopped his search for Y/N, no. With her birthday in his knowledge, he had one more filter with the help of which he could narrow down the results further.
For some strange, strange reason, he kept experiencing this inkling that something... ominous was lurking over them.
If she existed in Dohwa's Seoul... in Dohwa's world, then he wouldn't feel so empty every time she hung up on him. Somehow, their calls were the only thing that provided him with the reassurance that he was a little close to her. Maybe not in distance, but close nonetheless.
With his musings infested with doubts and uncertainties, he forgot to pay attention to the task at hand. Suddenly, his mindless scrolling came to a halt, jolting him awake.
His thumb hovered above an old article that matched most of the random words he had typed in. Blind searching or whatever people called it. It was not exactly an article; more of a personal blog. That was surely something, considering how he had failed to learn anything about her so far.
It didn't have to be anything groundbreaking—a mere confirmation that she existed, that she breathed the same air as him, was sufficient.
That was all he was asking for, and yet, once he was done reading, he wished he had never found it.
Sulppang with Eunji: Ten steps, no prep (Day 5)
—allyoukneadbakery (published on 13th August, 2010)
That's right! I, Eunji Han, am back with another recipe to satisfy your sweet tooth! Yes, I somehow managed to maintain the streak of our 'Ten steps, no prep' challenge too—barely. That means the delicious Sulppang you're seeing above was made with zero preparation, and in just ten simple steps!
Okay, story time before we begin, because some of you guys commented that you enjoyed reading about my experiences. Those who are here for the food... scroll down a bit! This is going to be long AND emotional.
I have never liked Sulppang. Ever. I come from a family of bakers, so sweet things were never out of my reach. Despite having the biggest sugar cravings in my entire house, I could never bring myself to even take a WHIFF of Sulppang. It made me that nauseous.
Then I met a girl in fourth grade. Seoul is a huge city; I had no idea how I stumbled across her. Against all odds, all chances.
She was a polar opposite of me in every sense.
And I mean, every sense. Behaviour, wants, academics, extracurriculars, and even likes and dislikes. She loved Sulppang more than life itself. No one was more surprised than me when we managed to become the best of friends for years to come.
For her, I'd make a bowl of Sulppang whenever I could. On New Year, Christmas, my birthday, her birthday, all the time!
3rd August 2010 would have marked her a year older if she was still here with me. It was rather unexpected — her passing. A car accident, if we can even call it that, because she was an innocent bystander crossing the road and the perpetrator was the driver.
It's been more than a decade since then... 1993, I think. Crazy time.
I miss her every once in a while.
I hope you're doing okay up there, Y/N. I made a big pot of Sulppang for you. Happy (belated) birthday.