the summer of 1993 ── dohwa baek - Chapter 17: Chapter 17

Baek Dohwa was losing his mind.
"Get your head in the damn game, blondie!" His teammate yelled, aggressively pointing at the basketball that had hopped past his motionless stature.
He struggled to focus on the task at hand through the fog of distracting thoughts, his limbs too heavy to retain their deftness. With a begrudging exhale, he maneuvered past the players to cover the area again. What, or who, could be the cause of his paralysing haze? Nobody knew──except for the boy himself. Su-ae, observing from the sidelines, had a brief idea about his situation. Eunhyeok, too. Even Ra-im, who was one of the many spectators, guessed the reason, and she didn't even listen to his complaints that carefully.
They drove down different roads, but they all led back to L/N Y/N.
Dohwa did not stop talking about her. It started easy, from eventual mentions in June to seeking advice in July to neverending waterfalls of her name in August. Each morning began with 'We talked about this on call!' and each afternoon ended with 'Man, she's got such a way with words!'
It was so painstakingly obvious to everyone but him, that there might be a little crush blossoming.
The match ended with a loss, and of course, poor Dohwa didn't lead to that result all by himself. He was, however, the only one getting blamed, because he was supposed to be the best on the court, not a lovesick fool with hearts for eyes. He didn't care, his job wasn't to please his peers. His job was to look pretty, and he was doing it just fine.
Too bad, this talent of his wasn't so amazing when it came to the people he liked.
Almost three months, over sixty phone calls, and three shared dreams later, it wasn't Y/N losing her resolve, but Dohwa. He had imagined a whole other world in his head, in which Seojun was the big bad villain, and he was the knight in shining armour, taking the evil down with a single blow.
One thing he kept forgetting was the incredibly important fact, that the princess he wanted to save wasn't his to lose.
Well, that was too forward of a thought, because Dohwa was still delusional enough to believe that this behaviour was completely platonic. No strings attached. Romance? Pfft, that didn't exist to an idol trainee. He tried his chance with Su-ae, and immediately packed his shit up at the brutal rejection, prepared to live a solitary life.
"Dude. You fucked up at least three easy points, you know?" Su-ae commented, holding back the pity she was so eager to express. "Their anger is valid."
"It's stupid of them to rely on a single person. Basketball isn't a game for just individuals." Dohwa replied, splashing a handful of cold water on his face. The neckline of his jersey was drenched with sweat.
Euhyeok rolled his eyes. "He was probably still worrying about what gift he should get for that girl."
"...I will do the same for you guys. Don't twist it too much."
"You know you won't."
"I didn't go too out of the way for her. Why are you two acting like this?"
"You were definitely planning to. You wanted to get her an autograph of Seo Taiji & Boys, and that's, like, downright impossible. I didn't even know that they were still alive." Su-ae said with a snort, shaking her head. "Forget it, buddy. I'm sure your... friendship means a lot to her already."
"But Seojun──"
"So it's about competition, huh?" Eunhyeok clicked his tongue, disappointed. "Here I thought you were asking for our help because you wanted to do something for her. Loser."
Ouch. That hurt.
And it hurt Dohwa because it was kind of true.
Part of him obviously wanted to make her happy, but this spark of jealousy was also a huge contributing factor, much to his distaste. Now he knew why Su-ae chose that ravenette over him. Anybody would.
"I... uh. Stay out of my business."
"Sure," Eunhyeok shrugged, "She deserves much better than you, by the way."
"This is not about──" Dohwa bit back a biting remark with reluctance. "I don't like her. She doesn't like me."
Su-ae grinned, fluttering her eyelashes. "Oh, really? Did you not call me crying at 1 AM because she was apparently too far for you to reach?"
He cleared his throat, unable to subside the heat in the tips of his ears. "You do not know our circumstances."
"The circumstances being long distance. It's literally nothing to cry over. I've seen many──"
"You do not know our circumstances." He repeated, his heartstrings vibrating with a painful tug. The surroundings grew eerily quiet at the shift of his tone. "P. E. is over. It's time for our next class."
They truly did not know; how after every laugh he shared with her, his chest burned with longing. How every brush of her skin reminded him of the truth they lived. How every glint in her eyes was a war between reality and imagination. How he lay awake at night, hoping to see her in his dreams, because that was all they had. He would never be able to gift her something tangible, for they would never meet.
How easy to say that it was nothing to cry over. She was dead in his world. Gone, for decades. She wasn't a miracle who would manifest herself just to fix his agony. She would never run into him by accident, she would always be a what-if for him, and it was nothing to cry over?
"...Dohwa?"
His feet made an automatic beeline for the door, ignoring the soft mention of his name. He wanted to think about nicer things, things that included no contact with his father, three full meals a day, an outing with two of his closest friends, and a certain voice who rang his phone at exactly nine. Not the bitter broodings of what he was actually facing.
Eunhyeok and Su-ae exchanged a look, animatedly talking through their gazes. They were done offending their best friend by jumping too hard on conclusions.
In the end, they couldn't bring themselves to say anything else, and so the school ended on a sour note.
"Why is my beautiful lady in such a foul mood?"
No response.
"Dohwa. What the hell happened, man?"
No response.
"That's it. Good night."
"You're so mean," Dohwa grumbled, fixing a golden fringe that blocked his field of vision. "You should've begged a tad longer."
"I love how me threatening to hang up is what gets you talking every single time."
He sighed dramatically. "Maybe it's because I treasure our fickle moments together."
"Aw, you're so considerate and adorable," Y/N said, her compliment coated with a thick layer of artificial sweetness, making the sarcasm evident. "Enough of your theatrics. What's going on with you?"
Dohwa's fingers were caressing the edge of his Literature notebook, tracing its corners. There was a subtle spike in the pace of his heart, an unnoticeable shiver in the way he breathed, a small bud that sought the sunshine he was talking to. Perhaps, he had gotten sick ── that explained the absence of his mind during the day. Perhaps, these things weren't anything serious. Perhaps, he was creating weird problems that didn't really exist. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.
"Su-ae said something stupid."
There was a brief moment of quiet.
"Something stupid." She parroted, and he could hear the smile on her lips. "It's my mother's favourite."
"What?"
Y/N released an offended gasp. "The song, you disgrace of an idol! How could you not know?"
His shoulders vibrated with mirth, the corners of his mouth elevated in a delicate crescent. Instead of piecing together an answer, he began to whistle a tune that mirrored the milky radiance of the moon. Through his open window, a pall of silver draped over him, and he deliberately bathed in it, playing the melody on his lips.
"I guess your real talent lies in whistling, huh?" Y/N mused. "You're pretty good at it."
"Don't underestimate my potential."
She snorted. "Someone could fart and it might still sound better than your best."
"...You asshole."
"Did I hit a nerve, loverboy?"
Dohwa fought a pout, his brows knitted together in frustration. "You hit the whole nervous system!"
"Damn, I missed the spot."
"What do you mean?"
Y/N stifled an amused laugh. "My arrow was aiming for your heart. Maybe archery isn't my forte."
This was when he realised ── that she was way better at flirting than he was, because his words did not leave her a flustered mess, and hers somehow turned him into a puddle on the ground, desperate and helpless.
"Come on. You can't catch me off-guard like that!"
"Okay, okay. How do you want me to make it up to you?"
Dohwa pondered for a while, scribbling a bunch of doodles in the bare pages of his notebook. A cat, some clouds, a bear, and the tiny pear hair clips Y/N once wore to keep her unkempt tresses at bay. He wasn't all that upset, to be fair. It was simply a great opportunity to force her into doing something she usually wouldn't.
"Hmm, you have to tolerate my singing, and," He added before the girl could interfere, "Participate in it, too. A duet, in simple terms."
"I still get nightmares of the time we spent at the Karaoke. Do you really want to torture me like this?"
Truthfully, they had ruined the entire discography of Seo Taiji & Boys that night. It was a war zone with zero harmony in the room. The duo created memories worth cherishing, but failed to fit their notes together. Not like that was an issue, for fun weighed above all.
"Indeed. Isn't Somethin' Stupid your mother's favourite?"
Dohwa was beaming as he spoke, giddy with excitement. He knew he was pushing her buttons, and pissing her off exactly how he intended to.
"I don't care, I'll recite the lyrics like a poem. You won't catch me singing."
"Then you have to hear my favourite part instead, uninterrupted. Deal?"
"Ugh. Deal."
Once his surroundings returned to their tranquil state, once nothing but her exhales were audible, once the warmth morphed into something pleasant, he whistled the tune again, just as flawlessly as before. Gentle and soft, flowing with the summer breeze, trying to keep up with the strums of the season.
He brought out his old phone from the drawer, ignoring its dying battery. To play a song on that zombie device was a huge feat in itself, but he managed somehow. The beginning chimes were just as he remembered──brimming with nostalgia. He didn't know when he started chasing after its euphony, bobbing his head along.
He had forgotten how soulfully it was created until it reached its pinnacle.
The time is right, your perfume fills my head,
The stars get red, and oh, the night's so blue
"And then I go and spoil it all," Dohwa murmured to himself, suddenly growing sheepish at the undivided attention he, or the song, was receiving. He was glad she wasn't in front of him, watching, staring, with that sharp intensity of her gaze. "By saying something stupid,"
It wasn't what one would call singing, and both of them were aware of that. It was something far more intimate──a sigh full of tender words, tumbling with the occasional winds. A whisper accompanied by a melody. A secret disguised in an undertone.
"Like I love you."
The world stopped spinning for a minute.
Thump.
A reflection of her in his mind, standing right next to him.
Thump.
His back collapsed against the wall. He slid down, hugging his knees close to him as he tucked his chin between them. His palm found his face, shielding all the red that dabbed his cheeks.
Thump.
She had merely completed the lyrics. This was nothing special. This was supposed to be nothing special.
Thump.
But in the depths of his chest, a rhythmic cadence echoed, a steady pulse that whispered of life's vitality. It throbbed with the ebb and flow of emotions, a silent conductor orchestrating the symphony of his existence. Within this hidden chamber, her voice was etched like an ancient rune, each beat a testament to the feelings he was harbouring, a beacon of hope amid the tumult of existence.
In the background, the music continued to play, matching the momentum of the realisations he was subjected to.
I love you,
"Dohwa?"
"Yep!" He coughed out, slightly taken aback by her intervention, "Stopped to get a glass of water."
I love you,
Y/N chuckled. "You still sound like shit, by the way."
"You're the number one fan of this shitty singer. Be ashamed."
I love you,
"What's the shame in admiring you of all people?" She asked, phrasing the question as something genuine.
I love you,
He didn't know what to say, because he was usually too busy admiring her.
Baek Dohwa was losing his mind, and L/N Y/N was the cause of it.