the summer of 1993 ── dohwa baek - Chapter 19: Chapter 19
You are reading the summer of 1993 ── dohwa baek, Chapter 19: Chapter 19. Read more chapters of the summer of 1993 ── dohwa baek.
One week.
One week of relentless staring at the phone that hadn't rung once during the tenure. Baek Dohwa had been counting down days quite efficiently.
Was it frustrating? Yes. Did he have it in him to face the girl he wanted to talk to? No.
He was flustered, because he stripped his heart naked to the point he adopted Y/N's manner of speech during their heated conversation last time. This wasn't what he intended. He was doing alright keeping all his feelings to himself, even if the little muscle in his chest couldn't hold onto them together any longer. The amount of skill it took for him to feign indifference in front of his friends was seemingly not enough to stand that girl's fervour. She made him bare and vulnerable and unable to hold his tongue, like a fool.
The mere thought of her liking someone else made him want to collapse on the ground. He couldn't possibly pretend to be happy for her, no matter how hard he tried. That apparent 'someone' being Seojun ruined his resolve to fake enthusiasm even more. That fucking Seojun and his thoughtful gift. Whew.
Idol training should have included acting in its package, because he'd been becoming way too transparent lately.
And how in the hell did he start flowing with the current of his poetic words? She was the Grandma, not him!
There was no way he would ever recover from something as humiliating as that. The personality he had crafted with care, the flippant remarks and nonchalance, the dramatized sighs of discomfort──it all came crumbling down with his stupid, stupid desperation to have her for himself. What did he say again; the nexus? The north star? Paradoxical artwork? Just stab him in the stomach, it would hurt less.
Perhaps that was why Y/N hadn't contacted him in seven days. She probably got weirded out, finding his emotions uncomfortable to deal with. He wasn't as distressed because she did accept that she wanted him (he had actually been giggling like a teenage girl ever since), and this tiny break in their conversations would help him tackle his unease too, but... he had a hard time believing that she meant what she said as a confession. If anything, it sounded as if it was an attempt to pacify him.
Because why would she of all people fall for someone as artificial as Dohwa anyway?
Every aspect of him was manufactured and produced. She was this bright light that he flew towards like a moth, the epitome of a burning inferno set ablaze, and he was a dull cloud with no home to return to, a cloud that even birds chose to avoid. If that personification of radiance wanted him, wouldn't she want him to bask in her warmth? To hear his voice at least once in these few days?
"Argh..." His throat rumbled with a noise of irritation, trailing to the ending notes with difficulty. "I fucked this up."
It was criminal how he couldn't reach her through his cell, because she used an ancient telephone booth instead. He was unbelievably helpless.
August was about to end, and so was summer. Dohwa feared that this season of closures would drag him and Y/N with it, putting a nauseating full stop to everything they had.
A tender whisper died under the sheets as he exhaled.
I miss her so much.
Y/N gazed at the chalkboard, the mathematical equations bouncing over her usually attentive brain.
See? This was exactly why she kept out of the complexities of crushes and feelings. Now her thoughts wouldn't co-operate with her, forcefully drifting to the phone call she shared with a certain intolerable blond. She hung up the instant she professed that she wanted him, her body growing numb with sheer disbelief. Something as... confidential as that should not have left her mouth before she was completely sure of her and his feelings.
Her cheeks heated up at the memory. What was she thinking, running her stupid mouth like that?
That the only person I want is you. She really should have used a better combination of terms. She really should have just stayed quiet.
But Dohwa wasn't exactly making things easy for her. He moved her enough to make her cry, she couldn't possibly leave him hanging without a response. She wished she could turn him down and keep her pride intact──but that was not what her heart wanted.
So naturally, she slammed the receiver and ran out of the telephone booth like she was a record-breaking athlete.
Y/N hadn't stopped going to the academy. She had simply stopped calling Dohwa.
What would she even say if she did? Things were going to be drastically different from what they were. He wouldn't view her as a human diary, she wouldn't view him as a popular idol trainee. They would go past all their jokes and meaningless banters, they would seek something more.
"Psst." Dokja's feet kicked hers under the table, his voice lowered to a hushed tone. He always chose to sit behind her for the sole reason of pissing her off. "Seojun asked me to pass this to you."
In a discreet gesture, he handed a little slip to Y/N, her brows knitted together in confusion. She had enough on her plate to deal with, what was up with this boy now?
The teacher droned about some rules and principles about a random property while she unfolded the note in her grasp, slowly registering the sentence with a frown.
Let's talk after school today! :)
A sigh left her lips as she put the paper in the pocket of her shirt. And the second she made the mistake of closing her eyes, a familiar bright face burned her vision. The winning smile, the blond tufts, the hazel irises mimicking a waxing crescent in the night sky... ugh, that buffoon, holding her musings at gunpoint...
Yet, she couldn't help but miss that very loser she was trying so hard to drive away from her thoughts.
If this... message was another attempt by Seojun to confess, she was thoroughly prepared to reject him, for she knew what she truly gravitated towards. This twist in events forcefully made her focus on the lecture rather than her menial inconveniences, like a wake-up call. She had plenty of things to do today, starting from her History assignment to Cat Dohwa's regular vet visit in the evening. Distraction was something she couldn't afford.
She couldn't. Couldn't. Absolutely couldn't.
"Why did you have to barge into my life...?" Y/N muttered to herself, rubbing her temples to lessen her stress.
Hours of torture drawled to an end once the bell erupted into a loud noise, students clad in their uniforms scattering into the hallways, yet still easily distinguishable somehow. Some had the cuffs of their shirts folded, some with their ties loosened, some fixing their long, shaggy strands, some prim and proper.
Amid the mob of white and grey, Y/N spotted Seojun leaning against one of the pillars near the assembly ground. He could be identified in the blink of an eye──tall and lean, tangled waves of hair, and his usual manner of fiddling with his sleeves. She ushered Eunji and Dokja to leave before her, and then made her way to Seojun, a bubble of determination establishing itself in the pits of her stomach.
"Well, here he is!" She said with a chirp, catching his attention effortlessly. "What's up?"
Seojun smiled at her, unsheathing his weapon in the process; that being his beautiful dimples. "You actually came?"
"Have I ever left you hanging?" She asked, faking exaggerated offence.
"Well. I'm glad you did."
Something about the way he spoke felt so sombre. As if... this was some sort of a finale, a final nail to the coffin. Y/N swallowed thickly, darting her gaze across her surroundings to relax her building nerves.
"What happened?"
His eyes flickered, looking at, between, and past her all at the same time, the shade of obsidian warm and welcoming, contradictory to the stereotypes associated with the colour. "I'm leaving."
The words hung in the air for several minutes, heavy and jagged.
"...What?"
"I'm leaving. Moving away, I mean." Seojun repeated, his voice carrying a forlorn lilt. "I... got selected. For nationals. So I'll be going to Incheon."
A lump found Y/N's throat. Still, she beamed. "That's amazing!"
After a period of stabilising the crevices in her manner of speech, she inhaled, giving his shoulder a gentle pat. "You deserve it, Seojun. I can't wait to see you on one of those community TVs in the taverns!"
"Y/N." He looked at her, unable to mirror her faux vibrance. "I know what you think of me, what you feel about me, and all those things. I know really well. And I respect it wholly."
She went quiet as the conversation switched its lane, immediately dropping her act.
Taking her silence as a sign to continue, he added, "I'm grateful that you allowed me to admire you from afar, albeit with reluctance. You never... cut me off, or led me astray. I'm just..."
There was a subtle hitch in this breath, making Y/N jerk in alarm. "...Happy we got to be friends. I did not regret an ounce of affection I spent on you. I hope I didn't exert too much pressure with my actions, though. I can't help but worry about that."
She felt the quivering of her lips, the same dread that enveloped her lungs when Kai had left her. She had grown mature enough to know, that moving out of a city included severing old friendships, whether one wanted it or not. Learning that fact did not make it any better, did not reduce the pain that came with it, did not stop it from happening.
"Seojun. I..." Her mouth went dry for a brief moment, seemingly at a loss for words. "I will miss you. A lot. But believe me when I say this──I'm genuinely happy for you, even if it means that we'll drift apart. Your talent is finally recognised, and not just by my loud cheers on the bleachers... but by actual professionals. I'll... I'll always support you, you know?" She regained a bit of hope from the nooks and corners of her soul, mustering a shaky grin. "So don't get too glum! You are one of my best friends, and will be until the sun dies!"
Seojun finally let the crack of a smile spill on his face. His palms rested on his knees as he bent down, amusement residing under his long lashes.
"So when we meet again, you're not allowed to be awkward, okay?"
Y/N nodded, sending him a mock salute. "Noted, good sir!"
"And please, allow yourself to embrace your feelings in the meantime." He chuckled, earning a gasp of betrayal from her. "You're way too much on guard when it comes to expressing yourself."
"Excuse you! I'm very transparent!"
Seojun brushed the tip of her nose, soft and tender, brimming with radiance. "I just want you to stop holding yourself back. Who knows? Maybe that one thing you said to that one person made their life drastically better. Start saying more things to more people. Take more chances."
A tinge of roseate dusted the tips of her ears. This was definitely a direct attack, with the way happenings had been rolling out in her life as of late. Why wouldn't she want to heed advice that made sense?
Unfortunately, part of her was too stubborn.
Maybe she should call Dohwa one more time... or two more times... or just... start calling him daily again.
What if things wouldn't get weird between them? What if they actually...
"Whatever. Is this why you wanted to see me?"
"I wanted to see you so I could bid you goodbye separately, of course, because you're special ── and to thank you." He clarified, his hands snug in his pockets.
"Thank me?" Y/N echoed.
Seojun gleamed with excitement, a wide arc clinging to the corners of his lips.
"For being my first love."
One week of relentless staring at the phone that hadn't rung once during the tenure. Baek Dohwa had been counting down days quite efficiently.
Was it frustrating? Yes. Did he have it in him to face the girl he wanted to talk to? No.
He was flustered, because he stripped his heart naked to the point he adopted Y/N's manner of speech during their heated conversation last time. This wasn't what he intended. He was doing alright keeping all his feelings to himself, even if the little muscle in his chest couldn't hold onto them together any longer. The amount of skill it took for him to feign indifference in front of his friends was seemingly not enough to stand that girl's fervour. She made him bare and vulnerable and unable to hold his tongue, like a fool.
The mere thought of her liking someone else made him want to collapse on the ground. He couldn't possibly pretend to be happy for her, no matter how hard he tried. That apparent 'someone' being Seojun ruined his resolve to fake enthusiasm even more. That fucking Seojun and his thoughtful gift. Whew.
Idol training should have included acting in its package, because he'd been becoming way too transparent lately.
And how in the hell did he start flowing with the current of his poetic words? She was the Grandma, not him!
There was no way he would ever recover from something as humiliating as that. The personality he had crafted with care, the flippant remarks and nonchalance, the dramatized sighs of discomfort──it all came crumbling down with his stupid, stupid desperation to have her for himself. What did he say again; the nexus? The north star? Paradoxical artwork? Just stab him in the stomach, it would hurt less.
Perhaps that was why Y/N hadn't contacted him in seven days. She probably got weirded out, finding his emotions uncomfortable to deal with. He wasn't as distressed because she did accept that she wanted him (he had actually been giggling like a teenage girl ever since), and this tiny break in their conversations would help him tackle his unease too, but... he had a hard time believing that she meant what she said as a confession. If anything, it sounded as if it was an attempt to pacify him.
Because why would she of all people fall for someone as artificial as Dohwa anyway?
Every aspect of him was manufactured and produced. She was this bright light that he flew towards like a moth, the epitome of a burning inferno set ablaze, and he was a dull cloud with no home to return to, a cloud that even birds chose to avoid. If that personification of radiance wanted him, wouldn't she want him to bask in her warmth? To hear his voice at least once in these few days?
"Argh..." His throat rumbled with a noise of irritation, trailing to the ending notes with difficulty. "I fucked this up."
It was criminal how he couldn't reach her through his cell, because she used an ancient telephone booth instead. He was unbelievably helpless.
August was about to end, and so was summer. Dohwa feared that this season of closures would drag him and Y/N with it, putting a nauseating full stop to everything they had.
A tender whisper died under the sheets as he exhaled.
I miss her so much.
Y/N gazed at the chalkboard, the mathematical equations bouncing over her usually attentive brain.
See? This was exactly why she kept out of the complexities of crushes and feelings. Now her thoughts wouldn't co-operate with her, forcefully drifting to the phone call she shared with a certain intolerable blond. She hung up the instant she professed that she wanted him, her body growing numb with sheer disbelief. Something as... confidential as that should not have left her mouth before she was completely sure of her and his feelings.
Her cheeks heated up at the memory. What was she thinking, running her stupid mouth like that?
That the only person I want is you. She really should have used a better combination of terms. She really should have just stayed quiet.
But Dohwa wasn't exactly making things easy for her. He moved her enough to make her cry, she couldn't possibly leave him hanging without a response. She wished she could turn him down and keep her pride intact──but that was not what her heart wanted.
So naturally, she slammed the receiver and ran out of the telephone booth like she was a record-breaking athlete.
Y/N hadn't stopped going to the academy. She had simply stopped calling Dohwa.
What would she even say if she did? Things were going to be drastically different from what they were. He wouldn't view her as a human diary, she wouldn't view him as a popular idol trainee. They would go past all their jokes and meaningless banters, they would seek something more.
"Psst." Dokja's feet kicked hers under the table, his voice lowered to a hushed tone. He always chose to sit behind her for the sole reason of pissing her off. "Seojun asked me to pass this to you."
In a discreet gesture, he handed a little slip to Y/N, her brows knitted together in confusion. She had enough on her plate to deal with, what was up with this boy now?
The teacher droned about some rules and principles about a random property while she unfolded the note in her grasp, slowly registering the sentence with a frown.
Let's talk after school today! :)
A sigh left her lips as she put the paper in the pocket of her shirt. And the second she made the mistake of closing her eyes, a familiar bright face burned her vision. The winning smile, the blond tufts, the hazel irises mimicking a waxing crescent in the night sky... ugh, that buffoon, holding her musings at gunpoint...
Yet, she couldn't help but miss that very loser she was trying so hard to drive away from her thoughts.
If this... message was another attempt by Seojun to confess, she was thoroughly prepared to reject him, for she knew what she truly gravitated towards. This twist in events forcefully made her focus on the lecture rather than her menial inconveniences, like a wake-up call. She had plenty of things to do today, starting from her History assignment to Cat Dohwa's regular vet visit in the evening. Distraction was something she couldn't afford.
She couldn't. Couldn't. Absolutely couldn't.
"Why did you have to barge into my life...?" Y/N muttered to herself, rubbing her temples to lessen her stress.
Hours of torture drawled to an end once the bell erupted into a loud noise, students clad in their uniforms scattering into the hallways, yet still easily distinguishable somehow. Some had the cuffs of their shirts folded, some with their ties loosened, some fixing their long, shaggy strands, some prim and proper.
Amid the mob of white and grey, Y/N spotted Seojun leaning against one of the pillars near the assembly ground. He could be identified in the blink of an eye──tall and lean, tangled waves of hair, and his usual manner of fiddling with his sleeves. She ushered Eunji and Dokja to leave before her, and then made her way to Seojun, a bubble of determination establishing itself in the pits of her stomach.
"Well, here he is!" She said with a chirp, catching his attention effortlessly. "What's up?"
Seojun smiled at her, unsheathing his weapon in the process; that being his beautiful dimples. "You actually came?"
"Have I ever left you hanging?" She asked, faking exaggerated offence.
"Well. I'm glad you did."
Something about the way he spoke felt so sombre. As if... this was some sort of a finale, a final nail to the coffin. Y/N swallowed thickly, darting her gaze across her surroundings to relax her building nerves.
"What happened?"
His eyes flickered, looking at, between, and past her all at the same time, the shade of obsidian warm and welcoming, contradictory to the stereotypes associated with the colour. "I'm leaving."
The words hung in the air for several minutes, heavy and jagged.
"...What?"
"I'm leaving. Moving away, I mean." Seojun repeated, his voice carrying a forlorn lilt. "I... got selected. For nationals. So I'll be going to Incheon."
A lump found Y/N's throat. Still, she beamed. "That's amazing!"
After a period of stabilising the crevices in her manner of speech, she inhaled, giving his shoulder a gentle pat. "You deserve it, Seojun. I can't wait to see you on one of those community TVs in the taverns!"
"Y/N." He looked at her, unable to mirror her faux vibrance. "I know what you think of me, what you feel about me, and all those things. I know really well. And I respect it wholly."
She went quiet as the conversation switched its lane, immediately dropping her act.
Taking her silence as a sign to continue, he added, "I'm grateful that you allowed me to admire you from afar, albeit with reluctance. You never... cut me off, or led me astray. I'm just..."
There was a subtle hitch in this breath, making Y/N jerk in alarm. "...Happy we got to be friends. I did not regret an ounce of affection I spent on you. I hope I didn't exert too much pressure with my actions, though. I can't help but worry about that."
She felt the quivering of her lips, the same dread that enveloped her lungs when Kai had left her. She had grown mature enough to know, that moving out of a city included severing old friendships, whether one wanted it or not. Learning that fact did not make it any better, did not reduce the pain that came with it, did not stop it from happening.
"Seojun. I..." Her mouth went dry for a brief moment, seemingly at a loss for words. "I will miss you. A lot. But believe me when I say this──I'm genuinely happy for you, even if it means that we'll drift apart. Your talent is finally recognised, and not just by my loud cheers on the bleachers... but by actual professionals. I'll... I'll always support you, you know?" She regained a bit of hope from the nooks and corners of her soul, mustering a shaky grin. "So don't get too glum! You are one of my best friends, and will be until the sun dies!"
Seojun finally let the crack of a smile spill on his face. His palms rested on his knees as he bent down, amusement residing under his long lashes.
"So when we meet again, you're not allowed to be awkward, okay?"
Y/N nodded, sending him a mock salute. "Noted, good sir!"
"And please, allow yourself to embrace your feelings in the meantime." He chuckled, earning a gasp of betrayal from her. "You're way too much on guard when it comes to expressing yourself."
"Excuse you! I'm very transparent!"
Seojun brushed the tip of her nose, soft and tender, brimming with radiance. "I just want you to stop holding yourself back. Who knows? Maybe that one thing you said to that one person made their life drastically better. Start saying more things to more people. Take more chances."
A tinge of roseate dusted the tips of her ears. This was definitely a direct attack, with the way happenings had been rolling out in her life as of late. Why wouldn't she want to heed advice that made sense?
Unfortunately, part of her was too stubborn.
Maybe she should call Dohwa one more time... or two more times... or just... start calling him daily again.
What if things wouldn't get weird between them? What if they actually...
"Whatever. Is this why you wanted to see me?"
"I wanted to see you so I could bid you goodbye separately, of course, because you're special ── and to thank you." He clarified, his hands snug in his pockets.
"Thank me?" Y/N echoed.
Seojun gleamed with excitement, a wide arc clinging to the corners of his lips.
"For being my first love."
End of the summer of 1993 ── dohwa baek Chapter 19. Continue reading Chapter 20 or return to the summer of 1993 ── dohwa baek book page.