the summer of 1993 ── dohwa baek - Chapter 21: Chapter 21

"They look pretty cute, right?"
Su-ae closely inspected the origami cats in her hands, flashing Dohwa a huge smile.
"They're perfect!"
The blond brimmed with pride as he heard the praise. He had worked two hours non-stop to bring these little guys to fruition, of course he needed them to be flawless. Two tabby kitties, peeking out of the folds of a paper heart, with only their ears, eyes, and front paws visible──this was what he called a gift. Made with love, for his love.
He couldn't help but be the personification of sunshine, finally freed from the gloomy skies that had been following him for the last few weeks. All the affection he harboured was spilling out of him, like water escaping from the rim of a glass. Plants were greener, clouds were lighter, and the crisp, red maple leaves harboured more vigour than they ever did. He was blissfully basking under the rose-coloured lenses that morphed his viewpoint of the world.
The developments between Dohwa and Y/N provided him with an avenue to kickstart the giant truck full of his favourite love language, that being the act of giving.
Her birthday present was long overdue, and it offered him a fitting excuse to express how badly he wanted to make her happy, to be the very cause of her excitement──to give her something that always reminded her of him.
The only problem was, how was he going to do that in a dream?
"You know," Su-ae started, kicking her legs down the concrete platform she was sitting on. "I never thought you had a side like this to you."
Dohwa furrowed his brows. "Like what?"
"I mean, I've never seen you put so much effort into something. Into a girl." She clarified. "You always seemed repelled by the idea of a relationship. What changed in just a couple of months?"
Honestly, he didn't know either. Even when he 'liked' Su-ae, he stayed within the shell he had created to protect himself, desperate to be left alone in his safe haven. Perhaps he was... eager. Eager to be understood. And Su-ae, for some reason, fulfilled that desire of his.
Now? Now every element of his life was accentuated by sheer ardour. He felt like a twelve-year-old boy experiencing love for the first time, his heart beating to the point of explosion. His tongue grew softer against his father, gentler. His dance practices no longer felt tedious. His modelling shoots were less like a job, and more like a break. Talking to his classmates was not a chore anymore.
Baek Dohwa actually had something to look forward to every day, even if it was a twenty-minute call.
"Things happen, I guess." He shrugged. "Tell me, Su-ae, do you think these girls crowd around my desk because they have feelings for me? Do you think they write me letters and actually mean what they say?"
Su-ae blinked. "Duh."
"No." Dohwa corrected. "They think of me as eye candy. A decoration. If I say yes, they'll be overjoyed. Not because their affection will get accepted, but because they will get to show off that good-looking Dohwa is their boyfriend. None of them knows what I'm really like."
"Well..." She pursed her lips, shifting her gaze to the ground. "I was the same before..."
He snorted. "I know."
"And you still liked me?"
"You were there for me when I needed you. At least sometimes." He confessed truthfully. "Thanks for that."
"What about this Y/N girl?" She probed, playing with the hem of her shirt.
Dohwa's lips curved into a beautiful arch. "She became my friend without knowing who I was. We only called––for days, weeks, months. All we knew about each other was our names and what we sounded like, but that was enough. She laughed with me, at me, because of me. She put me back together whenever I crumbled in front of her. I spoke, she listened, until I was breathless and seconds away from breaking down." He paused, taken aback by how simple it was to keep talking about her. "I don't think I've ever fallen this easily... or this hard."
"Woah..." Su-ae whistled. "You're a loverboy."
He beamed, sweet crinkles peppering around his eyes. "Funny. That's what she called me when I first told her about you."
"Really?"
"I wasn't one, then." A feeble exhale escaped his mouth, wavering against the fresh autumn winds. "But I certainly am now."
"You... um──"
Dohwa's charm became a victim of self-destruction the moment he faced the girl he was dying to catch a glimpse of.
He practically forced his brain into falling asleep, despite the restlessness that plagued his body. I can't wait to see her. I hope she's there. I am going to burst into confetti.
His wishes had come true, but at what cost? He couldn't even give Y/N a proper greeting without turning into a stuttering mess. Without acting like a complete and absolute failure. Without embarrassing himself, ruining the chill personality he had constructed for her. He wanted to be humble and think that it was because of his interest in her, but 'interest' barely defined the volume of his feelings.
Since when did she start making him so... nervous? Her eyes weren't impossible to look away from. Her unkempt hair never felt like a hypnosis spell until today. Her lips weren't so––
What in the world...
"Hi!" She waved, her back pressed against the wall of the departmental store. "I almost thought you wouldn't come."
Dohwa was numb. Rendered paralysed──because of his humiliation. "I... uh. Hey."
Y/N tipped her head to the side, confused by his apparent lack of energy. That was pretty cute. Pretty and cute. Every other synonym of those.
"What a lame welcome," She clicked her tongue. "I was planning to show you the amusement park around here. Not anymore."
As in... a date?
He regained his prior spark from each nook and corner, feigning nonchalance just so she wouldn't change her mind.
"Aw come on, I wanna go there with you!"
"Hmm. I guess I'll forgive you this once." She said, brushing her jeans to make herself look more presentable. "Let's go."
Dohwa didn't need to be told twice. His feet gravitated towards her, as if they were two opposite ends of a magnet. He towered over her──thanks to his athleticism──and that granted him the opportunity to sneak a few glances at her profile.
By a few, he meant a lot.
The curve of her nose, her lashes that grew more prominent from his height level, her cheeks that lifted whenever she smiled; there were a lot of things to admire. He often wondered──was Seojun the only one he had to brawl with as her knight? Who knew just how many people had a crush on her from afar? After all, it wasn't possible to not want her. Usually, he would be confident in himself, but... he doubted he would be able to fend off such pesky nuisances considering how far he was from her.
Damn you and your breathtaking perfection.
"Are you even listening to me?" Y/N groused, shattering the trance he was in.
Ah.
Too close.
He coughed at the proximity, darting his gaze to the array of street lights bordering the road. At times like these, he was relieved that she was as thickheaded as she was, positively clueless about the things she did to him. He was a weak boy when it came to her, trembling with every subtle graze. Any act of hers was enough to launch his heart into a state of frenzy.
As Su-ae said, a loverboy, through and through.
"When have I failed to lend you my ears?" Dohwa perked up, his hands clasped behind his back as he angled himself to face her. "What is it?"
"The park! We're..." Y/N trailed off, her initial enthusiasm fading into disappointment. He didn't know the reason until he followed her line of sight, his mouth going dry. "...Here."
The rides were shining with colourful lights, almost giving them the illusion of a lively atmosphere. Unfortunately, nothing was moving. Not the Ferris wheel, not the roller coaster, nothing. That was a drawback of their little fantasy realm──no matter how hard they tried, it wouldn't be able to mirror the reality.
"It's alright!" Dohwa grabbed the sleeve of her shirt, dragging her towards the lanes with empty game stalls. He was satisfied with simply being near her, although the subtraction of rides seemed to have dampened her mood. "Have you ever done shooting?"
She raised a brow. "You wanna compete? Because you'd want to think twice before doing that."
"Ooh, so terrifying."
"I'm serious. My slipper always hits the middle of Dokja's head whenever he pisses me off."
"Mhm! I wonder if your kisses hit the spot as effectivel──"
A sharp nudge attacked his ribs, earning a yelp from him. "Consume your vocal cords, you harlot."
"...Asshole."
Dohwa's tantrum inflated when he found out that the girl hadn't been lying about her precise aim. His face grew puffier with each balloon that popped, visualising his bruised ego.
How was he going to impress her when she was good at literally everything?
"Your turn?" Y/N asked with a cocky grin. "I promise not to laugh."
He snatched the toy gun from her grasp, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Just sit back and watch Baek Dohwa in his idol glory."
His shoulders were sagged. His fingers were shivering with the pressure of the trigger. His muscles were taut, detonating with tension. This was a recipe for failure, he knew.
"You know," Y/N inched towards him, her palms planting a supportive push on his back. Then, they danced over to the area around his neck to fix the direction of his head, tender and soft. "Your posture is going to cost you your fame. Relax your nerves."
Relax my nerves? –– The blond screamed internally, a tsunami of vermillion shades rushing to stain his cheeks. –– When you're doing all that?
"I––It's not that bad." He stammered, swallowing a painful lump in his throat. It sucked that any sort of physical contact within their dream left the same sensation as it would leave on his actual body, because it only made him want more. Very unbecoming of Dohwa and his noble character.
"It's... wait. Why are you sweating?"
Dohwa gave up. He placed the toy gun into its designated slot, causing the shelf to vibrate with the force. He was still fighting the uproar of mortification buried deep within the bloody vessel. "Fine." He seethed. "You won."
Y/N sighed. "Don't act like a child now."
"I'm not."
"So much for your idol glory..."
He could swear that frustrated fumes had started to escape his head. "You...! You're the only one who always manages to see me at my worst!"
"Am I not your human diary?" Y/N chuckled, fixing the messy tufts of his hair. "And I'm glad that I am the sole person who knows about this Dohwa. The embarrassing one. It makes me feel special."
He stared. Stared until he could taste the fragrance of flowers, until he could smell the sugar in the air. Her eyes were focused on his bangs, and his, on her. He was a prisoner to his feelings, unable to repeat his confession, but unable to brush it aside either.
"You are special," Dohwa mumbled incoherently, melting into the warm, comforting touch akin to a candle set alight. How many years had it been since he had experienced care? How many years had it been since he had embraced somebody's advances with wide arms?
Seventeen. His whole life.
"Oh, I'm sure I am." She stepped back once she was satisfied with the placement of the golden strands crowning him. "I'm the only girl you know from 1993. A difference of three decades, I think? Extremely special."
"I want to give you something."
"...What?"
Dohwa did not know how to bring his present here, but he was willing to defy all laws of Physics for it. He needed to give it to her. He needed to show it to her at the very least.
So, he focused. He focused to the point of popping a vein, his jaw set as he made a mental image of the origami cats he had created. He had learned from a website that he could control a lucid dream like an artist controlled his masterpiece.
Soon enough, he felt the sensation of paper materialising against his skin, and he burst apart at the seams with immense relief.
"Here!" He stumbled over to her, cupping the gift delicately. "For your birthday."
Y/N was silent for a brief moment. She took it from his grasp, assessing the felines with the curiosity of a crow. The unfamiliarity of her visage made him more anxious. Her lips were parted in an emotion he couldn't decipher, accelerating the pulse of adrenaline that raced in his system. She wasn't one to lose composure. She wasn't one to drop her smile.
"Y/N?" Dohwa croaked, and the girl flinched, fueling his panic.
Unresponsive. Unresponsive. Unresponsive.
Until he felt a pair of mellow arms wrapping around his neck, desperate, an overflowing sink of all the words left unsaid. He gasped──eyes widening──swarmed with a thousand butterflies unfurling in his stomach. He didn't know what to do with his hands; to grab her waist, or to place them on the small of her back, or to leave them hanging like broken pendulums.
Air. There was no air. Not a letter uttered. Was that carnival music playing in the park? He didn't know. Didn't care. Every sound was mere white noise, a backdrop he couldn't bother to focus on──except for her shaky breaths. He wasn't sure if his lungs were working at all, because he couldn't hear his inhales, his exhales, and the thumps of his tortured heart.
"Thank you," Y/N whispered, struggling to match his height, yet not letting him go despite it. He leaned down for her convenience, and for his. He'd rather have aching muscles than break the contact between them. "I really like it. Love it."
I really like you. Love you.
"I'm... I'm glad." Dohwa managed to respond, his chin propped against her shoulder blade. A fond dimple dug into his right cheek. "You got me worried for a second there."
Y/N was no longer on her tiptoes. She loosened her grip, signalling that the momentary, blatant affection they shared was about to be swept under the rug. He was reluctant to let distance intrude the heat of her skin against his, but he complied, pulling away to settle his attention on her. She wasn't looking at him──and he knew why. He was the same.
"...I don't think I can take it back to the real world." Y/N stroked the origami cats with her thumb, "But it's going to stay with me regardless. As a picture, as a thought, as a memory."
Dohwa's voice was restricted by something solid, something... sad. He didn't want this. So he would beg for what he desired.
"We can make it work." He blurted out, losing the strife against his rationality. He saw how a frown found her features, saw how she turned the other way. "We...we can be together. I'm happy with only calls. I'm happy with anything. Just──"
"Dohwa." Y/N pressed with a tone of refusal, much to his dismay.
"...Please."
"It's hard enough as is."
"I'll endure it," He refuted quickly. "I'll do it if it's you."
She met his eyes, and he didn't like the expression she wore. He was certain she was about to pacify his juvenile complaints by using a meaningful metaphor, but he didn't need to be satiated like a toddler. He needed her to mirror his longing and──
"You know what they say. Do not borrow grief from the future." Y/N said, maintaining the intensity of their gazes. "That's what you're thinking too, right? That we shouldn't fret about what's to come, and live in the moment. As an us."
He didn't speak, didn't argue. Instead, he sat on the counter of the wooden stall, drenched by a wave of nausea.
"But what if I can already see the headlights?" She continued. "I can hear the humming, I can't ignore it. You'll be gone." Dohwa could feel a strange prickling behind his eyes, his vision growing blurry with each passing minute. He still listened. "I'll lose you. That is a certainty that has awaited us... and I'm nowhere near ready."
She's so sure that it'll end. She's so sure that something like this can be severed by cutting a mere telephone wire.
"You know how sometimes the heat on the road... makes it look as though there's a puddle in the distance?" His voice cracked, nearing the edge of collapse. But he maintained his countenance. "Sometimes the headlights are just fireflies, sometimes the water is just sunlight."
Y/N tucked Dohwa's gift in the pocket of her jeans. "The moment of impact is inevitable. The sights and sounds of the road around me are a distraction, but then I hear the warning bell in the distance. It's too much of a reminder."
"You're not meant to be ready." He countered, slowly, steadily holding the girl's hand, and threading his fingers with hers. He was as cautious as a man handling porcelain, and as reckless as a kid on a swing. "The grief is meant to hurt." It's meant to scream at you that you loved. "Allow yourself to just exist. Grief's time will come." But it's not here yet.
When their gazes met, all they saw were rivulets vehemently locked behind the barriers, shielding their pupils with a translucent layer of sorrows. The beads did not tumble──they did not let them.
And through the choked poignance, Y/N snorted. "Relationships are overrated."
"Then let me swear an oath." Dohwa cracked a smile. "Let me be your knight."
"Why a knight?" She blinked the tears away, stabilising her emotions with ease. She was a professional at feigning indifference, as much as he hated it.
"Because a prince can only be your lover." He brought their intertwined hands together. "But a knight will be your soulmate."