This Is Us - Chapter 1: Chapter 1

and on my page now] YOU MIGHT NOT UNDERSTAND THIS BOOK
These whores think they know me,
Meet me in the back with my homie,
Don't get your ass on the Gucci,
Cause it's got more shape that this St. Tropez,
I be popping bottles like it's his birthday
Azizus layers the track I brought with me from LA and winks at me as he stands in the recording booth. I blush slightly as he flips his dyed white hair back with his fingertips and continues spitting of the layers like with crazy amounts of passion mixed with his flow.
When he's finished, he hangs his headphones at his neck and smiles at me.
"How was that? Think I should do one more pass?" He asked and I quickly shake my head, impressed by his first try.
"Nah man, there's nothing you could have done better, it was perfect." I kissed my fingertips and sent him a kiss through the glass. He pretends to catch it in mid-air with the most dramatic flair that has me dying behind the controls.
"Oooh I have something for you," Azi hangs the headphones on the mic and comes out of the recording booth, stopping as he walked past me to gently peck my lips before going into the mini fridge. Reaching in, being sure to tempt me by wiggling his ass a bit, he pulls out a small round cake and kicks the fridge door closed with his foot.
"Happy birthday Matty," He smiles and holds out the cake with a wide smile.
"Aww you didn't have to do this," I cooed as I took the small cake with the number '22' in a thick red frosting. The sweetness was probably going to make me sick but I couldn't refuse it when I could tell he was trying really hard.
"I know but I didn't want you to think I forgot your birthday baby," He huffed as he sat down beside me and swiped a bit of the frosting off the side, spinning in his chair as he did so.
"You can sing that song now, the one by Taylor Swift," He giggles and holds his fingers in two little frosting covered peace signs.
"Twenty twoooooo," he tries to sing but he was a far better rapper than he was a singer. I laughed at his gesture anyway, digging into the cake with a plastic fork as I placed it on the desk.
"I can't believe you're leaving me, this month when by way too fast," He said with a small pout as he took a fork to the edge of the cake, stabbing in but leaving it there.
"I know, but I have to go back home. The east coast has been fun and all but I have my family waiting for me," I remind him and he sighs.
"Ah yes, your husband Thomas and the adorable little Jaydean. I still can't believe you of all people gave birth to a child nevermind a daughter. The whole world was in shock after that one," He mentions but I could still sense the sadness he was holding in.
"You'll have to come to the west coast sometime and visit me," I add and he raises his white brow.
"Ah, the east coast lover meets the west coast family, what a great idea," He says sarcastically and finally takes a bite of the cake. I roll my eyes and stand up, throwing the fork away and grabbing my bag.
"Leaving so soon?" He asks and I shrug my backpack onto my shoulders.
"I have to go back and pack my things Azi," I remind him and he lets out a long drawn out sigh.
"Were you really going to leave without saying goodbye?" He whimpers but I gently bend down, kissing his sweet frosting flavored lips one final time, lingering in when he grips my shirt before finally pulling away.
"Let me know when you get there safely okay?" He asks through his watery green eyes and I kiss him once more before finally pulling back and walking out the door.
Once I reached the apartment, I dropped my bags and my keys at the door, rushing to the bathroom to find the surprise I had left for myself while I was out with Azi all day.
I picked up the pregnancy test and sat on edge of the bathtub. Disappointed when I read one word instead of two.
'pregnant'
It said back to me in blinking black letters as if I should be so excited that I'm screaming.
But I wasn't happy.
I wasn't happy at all.
I threw the test against the tile wall. Smashing it to a million little pieces from the force and turned on the bathtub. Deciding it was best to take a nice hot bath. As if that could kill the baby faster.
It was going to die anyway, so why bother carrying it longer than necessary.
In the beginning, I wasn't this morbidly depressed about the idea of having another baby. I knew I wanted my daughter to have a sibling and the fact that she's technically Wesley's instead of Thomas' didn't help things.
I wanted to have a least one baby with Thomas, but it was starting to look like that just wouldn't happen.
As the tub filled up, I added a small rosy bath bomb to cheer things up a bit before slipping out of my clothes.
Once I slip out of my shirt, I look down and take the time to examine what had been my flat muscular stomach. Now it had a small divot and rounded edge to it that I hadn't noticed earlier.
"Fuck me," I groaned as I just hopped into the bathtub and sunk into it's bubbled warmth.
After Jaydean, Thomas and I had tried to have more kids.
The first time I got pregnant was on our wedding day but that happiness only lasted four weeks before I was flushing the remains down the toilet.
The second time I found out was while we were on a family vacation in South Korea. That time we only made it to two weeks before the miscarriage happened again.
The third time I tried to take fertility meds behind his back. Thomas being against the idea since he wanted it to happen naturally or not at all.
This time we made it to nineteen weeks.
I was nineteen weeks pregnant when I miscarried our little boy, T.J, and had to go to the hospital to give birth to our stillborn son. After that, I was so traumatized by the experience that I just wanted to stop.
So we did.
After recovering from the surgery, I decided to spend a month in New York City by myself so I could destress and recover emotionally in my own way.
I had just accepted the fact Jaydean wouldn't have another sibling.
And here we go again onto my fourth pregnancy.
But now I was counting down the days until the miscarriage instead of looking forward to the days when they would be here.
Should I even tell Thomas at this point?
It's probably best not too, considering he was dragged through the dirt with me too when I went through my miscarriages. It was his baby too, but I'm the one who had to go through all the pain.
It wasn't fair.
I rested my hands on the small bump and wondered how far along I was.
By my calculations, it should only be two months which means there's no way I should be showing right now.
Maybe it was because this wasn't my first pregnancy and my body was used to this.
The steam from the water seems to clear my head and after giving my hair a good soak, I decided maybe it's best if I get out.
Maybe the fourth time is the charm.