This Is Us - Chapter 22: Chapter 22

LUCA POV
"There you go Mr. Pickles,"
Jaydean giggles as she holds her little hands out to our latest edition, a new foal which she proceeded to name Mr. Pickles.
Why? I don't know, I stopped asking when she was three.
She feeds him a handful of carrots, sitting up on steel fence to reach his height as I leaned against my crutches with Cooper beside me. Usually, she would rest on my hip to feed them but that wasn't going to happen for a few weeks. I'm still trying to get over the fact that when I said she couldn't she just hopped on the fence herself and said 'that's okay papa, I don't think I need you anymore,'.
I damn near cried.
"Careful baby, I don't want you to fall," I warned her as I placed my hand on her back, getting nervous as she stood on the fence railing.
"I'm super careful Papa, you taught me how to be careful remember," She says as she flips her bright red hair to the side and the afternoon sun seems to shine on her beautiful little face, making her freckles a little darker than usual and the gray flecks in her bright blue eyes shined.
Mr. Pickles licked her hands cleaned before walking back to his mother and Jaydean rubbed her wet hands on her jeans. I watched the foal as he nudged his mother's side and the horse craned her neck to give him some type of warm neck embrace.
"Do you think I'm a good Papa?" I asked my daughter. It didn't help that when I asked she had to pause and scratch her chin, just like Thomas does when he's in deep thought.
"I think you're a doing pretty good so far," She says and my mouth drops.
"Pretty good? That's it!" I tickled her side and she squealed.
"Well so far! I'm only five years old Papa, we still have a lot more years to go of you being my Papa," She tries to explain as she sits on the fence and tilts her head to the side.
"When do you think I stop being your Papa?" I asked her and she grabbed my face with her lightly moist horse saliva smelling hands, putting her little nose up to mine.
"When I'm a big adult girl," She says and I laugh out loud, kissing her little lips and cheeks because she's too cute.
"I will always be your Papa Jaydean," I tell her the truth and she gives me a shocked expression.
"Really? Even when I'm big?" She asked and I quickly nodded.
"Yes baby, even when you're big, even if you're super tall, even if you move to the other side of the planet, even if you move to another planet, I will always be your Papa," I remind her and Jaydean furrows her dark red brows together.
"I can't move to another planet, Papa. Earth is the only place with oxygen!" She says, out of all the things she could have taken away from that sentence, I'm glad to know she could pinpoint my stupidity.
"You're right, you're so smart," I chuckled as I tucked her loose strands of hair behind her ear and she rubbed her tummy.
"I'm really hungry Papa, do you think Mommy and Daddy have dinner ready yet?" She asked as I poked the tip of her freckled nose.
"There's only one way to find out," I whispered and she hopped off the fence, startling Cooper as she started running back towards the house.
"Last one is a rotten egg from Mrs. Peas!" She calls back to me and I started crutching after her.
"Hey! That's not fair! I only have one leg!" I called out but she was only focused on winning. I looked down at Cooper who stood by my side with his tail wagging.
"What am I going to do with her?" I asked him and he tilted his head as if I said a command.
"Come on boy, let's meet her home,"
***
"Oh, I almost forgot. I believe this is yours,"
I finished washing the dishes at the kitchen island, handing the last plate to Thomas as he puts it in the dishwasher and I turn off the water. Looking up to catch sight of Matthias holding out the small familiar photograph to us with a bright smile.
I dry my hands on a kitchen rag, handing it to Thomas as I reach out and grab the sonogram from him.
"Wow, it looks like an actual baby," I say and Thomas snatches it away from me.
"What the fuck were you expecting it to look like? A potato?" Matthias wheezes and I peek over Thomas' shoulder. The little fetus was actually kind of cute if you looked at it the right way.
I look over and watch Thomas' face as he takes in his baby's little outline for the first time.
I remember the first time I saw Jaydean on a sonogram my heart skipped a beat and I instantly fell in love.
But Thomas just stares at it with a blank expression.
"Um, that's good babe, I'm glad it's okay," He says quietly and accidentally places the photo on the wet counter.
Ruining it.
"Shit," He mutters under his breath as he quickly tries to save it and I reached over, attempting to pat it dry but it was too late.
The soggy sonogram broke into pieces, unable to be saved but our scrambling and as horrified as I was by the memory now forever destroyed, I was terrified to look up and see Matthias' face.
"I'm so sorry Ma-"
"It's fine, don't worry about it,"
I had half expected Matthias to be so red hot with anger, ready to snap at both of us with an unforgiving wave of well-deserved fury.
What I hadn't expected was his hoarse, whispered voice as I looked up and watched him bite his lip. Avoid eye contact with us as he swept the pieces into his own hands and promptly walked over the trash, throwing them away himself.
"I'm trying to move on, I'm trying to be excited, fuck, at least I'm trying...what are you doing?" Matthias gently asked Thomas before shoving his hands in his pockets and walking upstairs, wiping away a small tear as he did so.
As soon as Matthias was out of sight, Thomas slammed one of his fists on the counter. Hunching over and holding his head in his hands. I gently rubbed his back, letting him breathe and waiting for him to speak.
"Daddy? Are you okay?" Jaydean asked as she in the living room, coloring under the Christmas tree lights with Houston.
"Daddy's fine, why don't you go upstairs and get ready for bed? We'll meet you there in a bit," I gently suggest and she takes the hint, almost as if she feels the tension in the air.
Thomas lets out a long sigh as he rubs his eyes and stands up again.
"I can try to talk to him, it was an accident," I offer but he shakes his head.
"No, I have to do it," he sighs and runs his fingers through his short hair.
"I'll put Jayde to bed then. Take your time," I say.
There's nothing I could say, no advice I could give, no help I could offer towards the situation Thomas and Matthias are in.
He wasn't my son.
Yes, I held TJ for a few minutes before feeling guilty and giving him back to his mommy, but I never felt connected to him like I was connected to Jaydean.
If he was here today, I would have treated him like he was mine but that's not the point.
The fact of the matter is, Jaydean is upstairs waiting for me.
TJ is not.