This Is Us - Chapter 42: Chapter 42

^AZIZUS POV^
And remember, the truth that once was spoken,
to love another person is to see the face of God
As the last word is sung by Fantine and Valjean it serves as the cue for the background actors to start singing the final part of the epilogue to Les Miserables on Broadway. I stood as the current understudy for Greg, who plays the lead of Marius, and tonight I was waving the French flag with so much pride in my voice as I sang that you would think Paris is where I was born and raised.
With the bright lights focused on us, we stood on the barricade and started our final harmony as a full cast.
"Will you join in our crusade? Who will be strong and stand with me?"
With my head tilted up to the sky as I pulled out the notes, the back of my head is hit by one of the extras carrying the flag beside me. I quickly shut my mouth before I let out any slight hiss of pain that could ruin the melody and started mouthing the words instead.
"Somewhere beyond the barricade, Is there a world you long to see?"
I blinked away the tears, letting them drip down my face so the crowd would think I was overfilled with emotion when really I was in so much pain that I had broken character.
"Do you hear the people sing? Say, do you hear the distant drums?"
I scanned the full house in front of us as I continued to blink away the tears, a flag drifts in front of my vision in full red, white, and blue but when it waves away, I make eye contact with a single set of eyes in the front row.
"It is the future that they bring, When tomorrow comes!"
My heart skips a few beats as I stare into those perfect almond shaped brown eyes. hundreds filled the theatre but somehow he was the only person I saw.
"Ah! Ah! Ah! Tomorrow comes!"
As the song comes to its end, I tried to look away from him but found it impossible with that gaze locked on mine in a way that was almost enchanting.
The curtain closes and I uncontrollably whimpered a little as I wished I could run straight out of the curtain and break into the crowd to find him. New York was a city of thousands and there would never be another opportunity to find him.
But why did I need to find him?
Why did I need to see him so badly?
I walked with the rest of the cast to the back and up the stairs to my chared dressing room where the guys had already started changing.
"Hey Azi, sorry about the head injury," Michael joked as he smacked the back of my head, right where he hit me with the flag.
"Ah, it's fine," I quietly answered. Keeping mostly to myself these days after a fight with Jason, the man who was actually cast as Marius. He's irreplaceable, I'm nothing. The guys continue to mess around as I take off my make up, looking in the mirror and seeing nothing but a scrawny body, an awkwardly strong jawline that could cut glass, and bright green eyes that drew far too much attention for an introvert like me.
I ran my hand through my messy black hair to see if I could style it in some cool way but every little hair went its own direction. I let out a small groan, there was nothing good about me, other than the fact that I was skinny got me the modeling jobs and some acting jobs but nothing was guaranteed.
Thinking of the man with the brown eyes, I wondered why he stared at me for so long. And now that I see myself, I start to realize that it's probably because my ugliness makes me stick out from the other guys.
Trying to put a smile on my face was harder than I expected as I slipped on my olive green jacket and pulled on my backpack. Slipping out of the room unnoticed as always.
I slipped out of the backdoor for actors only, where the crowd which had been waiting for the stars to come out from. No one asked for my autograph on their playbill seeing that I was a nobody and I put my earbuds in, trying to block out the city noise for just a few seconds.
Until I saw him again.
And my heart stopped.
I was sure it was him, the same man who sat in the front row standing at the very end of the line of people. He didn't look like he was waiting for anyone's autograph, but he was still looking right at me and I stopped in my tracks.
In the light, he was so attractive that he could pass for a fucking god and the dark theatre definitely didn't do this beautiful man any justice. The afternoon sunlight fell over his light brown hair making his natural highlights almost sparkle as he raised his thick brow. Those light brown eyes now held an air of mystery in their gaze and out of the small crowd that had gathered, it seemed like he was looking straight at me.
I turned in a circle, wondering if maybe there was someone else he was waiting for but that wasn't the case. I was the only one here.
When I looked back to find him, he was gone and my body naturally reacted by sending me into a sprint towards where I last saw him. My head turning in all directions, I finally found his light brown hair in the maze of people and ran towards it as his head bobbed up and down with every step he took.
He ducked down into a subway and I continued after him, pushing past the crowds until I had finally caught up to him and was standing right beside him. He stood a few inches taller than me, with a toned body that was to die for and his luscious hair waved so perfectly that I damn near fell in front of the subway because that was how hard I was falling for him. A man who's never spoken a single word to me and whose name I didn't even know, although he did look oddly familiar, I couldn't put my finger on it.
Then again, nearly everyone here looks oddly familiar with the number of models, actors, and superstars who live here.
I was one person in a city of millions but somehow, standing next to him, I felt like I was the only person there.
He got onto the train and I got in behind him, hoping and praying he didn't see me as weird or creepy, until a small smirk slowly spread across his lips and he tilted his head towards me.
"Sorry for the chase, you're just so beautiful that I wanted to see if you were actually real," He says and holds onto the center pole, swinging around it until his chest bumps into mine and we were face to face.
"I-I'm real," I stuttered. Unsure of what to say back. No one had ever flirted with me before and this was like unknown territory for me.
"Oh you are?" he chuckled and my cheeks burned, feeling stupid for responding so mechanically like an idiot. That was until the back of his hand brushed over my warm cheek, sending shock waves of tingles through my system that I had never felt before.
"I d-don't even know y-your name," I continued to nervously stutter and he chuckled again, sending warm feelings through my body, hoping he took pleasure in my embarrassment because only then would it be worth it.
"I'm Matthias...Matthias Jackson, but everyone calls me Matty," He says and the name Matthias sets off small alarms in my brain that go largely ignored because he's waiting for me to respond.
"I'm Azisus," I tell him my nickname and he damn near purrs as he comes a little bit closer.
"Azizus? What a beautiful name," He says and I deeply blush from the response.
"No one says my name is beautiful, they think its either weird or a misprint," I comment, unable to take a compliment for the life of me.
"Well, a beautiful man deserves a beautiful name doesn't he?" Matty asked and I bit my lip, shy to every word he says but somehow unafraid of going further.
***
I sat up by the piano, sipping a small mug of honey tea to soothe my throat after playing the role of Marius last night. My state directors said it was the best performance they had ever seen of the character and if they start looking for some more cast members to replace, my name will be moved to the top of the list.
I told them it was easier to play Marius now and it is.
Especially now that I know what love is.
I stroked the first key, starting my daily vocal warm-ups in my small apartment with my small keyboard, a tiny kitchen, a single bed, but a large window that looked over central park. I go up a little higher each time until I'm satisfied and take a large sip of my now lukewarm tea.
All of the sudden a hand wraps around my bare chest as Matty wraps his arm around me and starts to cover the nape of my neck and the base of my shoulders in tiny kisses.
"Mmm, good morning beautiful, how are you feeling?" He asked as he kissed the small bruise he created last night making me shiver.
Last night, I let him take my virginity after only seeing him for a month.
Although my physical body was sore, my spirits were high and I had the day off just to spend it with him.
"I'm a good baby, you were so gentle and nice to me that it doesn't really hurt that much," I told him honestly and he sat behind me on the piano bench, lifting me to his lap as he did so while wrapping his arms around me and squeezing me tight.
"I tried. Your performance was so good last night that I was jealous of the girl who plays Cosette and had to make sure you were mine and no one else's," He growled, and I held his arms, melting into him as I leaned back against his bare chest.
"What happens on stage stays on stage...I'm all yours baby," I told him and he brought his lips close to my ear, tickling my earlobe as he did so.
"Say that again," He whispered and I graciously complied as I always did.
"I'm all yours," I whispered back and he sighed into my neck.
"I love you," He gently kissed my shoulder as he said the three little words I had waited my entire life to hear another person say.
"I love you too,"
***
It had been months since I had seen the love of my life.
He promised he would call but he never did and I was stuck in an endless cycle, checking his feeds and news articles about him just to make sure he was still alive.
When it came out that he was being domestically abused, I didn't believe it, because there's no way my Matty would let anyone hurt him.
Or me.
But yet here I was, standing outside of the Good Morning America studios with hope in my heart that he would see me, that, of course, he would recognize me and he would come back to me, apologizing for the lost time between us and continuing where we had left off.
I knew I was one of many but I had to be special in some way right? He chased after me. He fell in love with me.
He loves me.
Finally, NTB exited the building and I saw my Matthias in the arms of another man who I assumed was his husband. He looked sickly and pale, but he was still strong enough to walk as they hurried towards their ride.
"MATTY!"
I called his name in hopes he would hear me and he did.
Stopping in his tracks, he turned his head to me and for a split second, we made eye contact.
I prepared myself, ready to be scooped up and brought back to his place where he would whisper sweet nothings to me again as I played the piano. I had tried to fall in love again but there was only one man for me and here he was, standing right in front of me.
But he never did any of those things.
Instead, he ignored me and continued walking into the car, driving off as I stood there with a wide smile on my face. A smile that was slowly broken by my broken dream and my hopes were dashed right in front of my eyes.
And just like that he was gone.
The crowd that had formed to see the popular boyband had started to disburse but I stayed in place, staring at the place where we met eyes, like maybe if I stared hard enough, he would reappear.
"There was a time when men were kind, When their voices were soft, And their words inviting"
I found myself singing as I stared at the spot, mumbling the lyrics under my breath in the cold winter air as some form of self-comfort.
"There was a time when love was blind, And the world was a song,"
I continued. The crowd now completely gone and security had started to pick up the metal barricades that had separated me from Matthias.
"And the song was exciting, There was a time..."
I closed my eyes, imagining the days we spent in that tiny apartment when the darkness settled over the city that never sleeps and we were wide awake, talking about our greatest dreams and our destined disappointments.
But that was over now and he was gone.
"Then it all...went...wrong"
I choked on the words a little as I finally opened my eyes and continued walking straight past times square in the direction of Central Park.
"I dreamed a dream in time gone by,"
I sang with my hands in my pockets. The wind whipping around the buildings was now colder than it once was and I found my teeth chattering on their own with no one to warm me.
"When hope was high, And life worth living,"
My feet carried themselves, feeling heavier than before my heart broke a little bit more with each and every step I took as I started to come to terms with what had just happened.
"I dreamed that love would never die, I dreamed that God would be forgiving,"
I remember the reason why I came to this city at just eighteen years old was when my family had kicked me out of the house after coming out as gay. Unable to stand a homosexual sinner for a son, they banished me to the hell I deserved to live. A hell I thought would be waiting for me in death.
"Then I was young and unafraid. And dreams were made and used and wasted,"
I sang out just a little louder and those around me probably thought I was a psychopath. And they weren't wrong because I certainly felt like one.
"There was no ransom to be paid, No song unsung, No wine untasted,"
The days I spent in homeless shelters before I landed gig after gig of modeling and acting were some of the loneliest days of my life. And even though I was a Broadway actor surrounded by a beautiful cast and crew, I still felt more alone than ever before.
"But the tigers come at night, With their voices soft as thunder,"
Other guys had tried to get to me and I, like the idiot I was, was taken by a man who didn't give two shits about me.
Matthias never cared.
He never loved me.
No one could ever love me.
"As they tear your hope apart, As they turn your dream to shame,"
I hit the high note and pushed my voice as far as I could go while marching into Central Park with so much anger, frustration, and heartbreak. But everything reminded me of him and it was useless to come here.
"He slept an Autumn by my side, He filled my days with endless wonder,"
I sang as I sat down on a bench and tried to stop the tears from falling but here they come.
"He took my childhood in his stride! But he was gone when winter came,"
I choked on my own words and closed my eyes again. Matty and I had probably walked every mile of this stupid park because he loved it so much and he found something new every single day.
I stood up again, unable to sit as I continued walking. It must be national couple day or something because it seemed like everyone was out with their significant other and I just wanted to rip each couple to shreds.
"And still I dream he'll come to me, That we will live the years together!"
I stuttered, taking a right down the path as I made my way back to my apartment.
"But there are dreams that cannot be! And there are storms we cannot weather,"
I sighed as I opened the front door and nearly crawled up eight flights of stairs until I finally reached my apartment and opened the door so hard it slammed against the wall as I entered.
"I had a dream my life would be, So different from this hell I'm living!"
I slammed the door closed behind me and threw down my keys, shoving my back against the door and covering my stupid ugly face with my hands.
"So different now from what it seemed,"
I sang, my heart now demolished as I scratched at my own face with my long nails, wishing I could yank it off and replace it with someone who was better looking. Because who was I kidding?
Look at me then look at him.
He was never truly mine, to begin with.
"Now life has killed..."
I banged my head against the door, shaking violently with my weeping tears as I lost the will to live never mind move.
"Has killed...The dream I dreamed"