This Is Us - Chapter 54: Chapter 54
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"FUCK!"
I screamed as I slammed my fists against the steering wheel of the Jeep, parked in the garage of our house on base, I reread the letter containing my orders.
"Sgt Nakoa Thomas Jackson, report to the hanger at 16:00, June 1st for deployment to Afganistan for six months,"
After my loud outburst, I rested my forehead against my steering wheel, trying to catch my breath. It feels like just yesterday I got back from my first deployment, Nico's finally starting to fall in love with me, and my life was starting to cheer up for once.
But that was all about to come to a crashing halt.
The first of June is tomorrow and once I tell Nico, it's going to break his heart.
I get out of the jeep and close the door, adjusting my uniform and taking off my maroon beret, nervously scrunching it up in my sweaty palm as I opened the garage door.
"Nico? Honey, I'm home!" I called out, hearing my husband's footsteps as he came down the stairs. I straightened up, trying to put a smile on my face when I felt like the world around me was falling apart.
Nico would be fine, the military would make sure he was taken care of while I was gone.
Unless I don't come home this time.
"Hey Koa," Nico quietly mutters as he slowly approaches me from the stairs. He didn't look excited to see me as he walked up to me and planted a single kiss on my cheek. I tried to embrace him but he dodges away from me and walked to the kitchen table.
"I see you got the mail, how was your day today?" He asked, seeing the letter in my hand as he flopped his blonde hair to the side.
"Um...it was okay but Nico, there's something I have to tell you," I confess. Wanting to get it over with sooner rather than later.
"Oh thank God, there's something I want to tell you too," He lets out a sigh of relief and points to me.
"You can go first though," He gestures, holding the back of a kitchen chair and I pause, feeling like his news would be a hell of a lot lighter than mine.
"Maybe we want to discuss the same thing!" He smiles and I tried to smile too, I highly doubted it but I nodded to him.
"No please, I haven't seen you all day. Tell me what's up," I sat down at the kitchen table and he put his hands on his hips.
"I know, it's been on my mind all day too. I'm ready to call it quits," He says with a smile and my heart stops, a ball forms in my throat as I somehow manage to let a few words out.
"What do you mean?" I asked and he chuckled.
"Well remember how I said I would try to do this whole 'I love you' thing and try to actually be your husband instead of your best friend? Well, I can't do it anymore Koa and I don't think you can either. I tried it for a month and I don't like it because I feel like I'm lying to you. I don't actually love you, trust me I tried, but I just can't so let's go back to just being friends okay?"
Nico says and with every word he spoke, I felt like the left side of my chest was being torn to pieces.
Nico's smile quickly fades as he starts to come to the realization that I had no idea this was coming.
"Oh, sorry Koa, I thought that you...oh god, I'm sorry." he sighed as he sat down at the head of the table and stressfully ran his fingers through his hair.
"It's not you, I mean you're wonderful and all, I just don't like you like that nevermind love you. I mean think of it this way, at least you won't have to come home to an annoying husband anymore, just your chill best friend," He tries to smile and pat me on the shoulder but I shake it off.
"I never thought you were annoying," I quietly whispered and silence fills the air.
"I thought...I thought maybe you were actually starting to love me," I sighed and his smile leaves again. I slowly got up from the table, turning away from him as I walked over to the closet where I kept my emergency deployment bag.
"Koa, where are you going? Let's talk about this, come on." Nico tries to stop me with his words and I could hear the scraping of his chair against the hardwood floor.
"Koa-"
"There's nothing to talk about,"
I calmly interrupted his plea and tossed my backpack over my shoulder.
"You're better off without me, fine. Be without me. My love was for nothing? That's fine too. I don't care, I shouldn't care, fuck Nico," My heart breaks with every word that comes out of my mouth and I hold back the tears.
"You promised me a way out of the hell I was living in! I didn't know loving you had to be a part of the agreement!" He screamed at me and I felt like I was about to collapse at his words.
"I didn't ask you to love me! You're the one who kissed me and said you wanted to try it? Well, you 'tried it', you used me, and now you're done with me. That's fine." I remained calm. Physically incapable of yelling at him.
"It's fine Nico because you know what? I will never be the love of your life, but I love you so much that I never want to see you working some stupid minimum wage job and living on the side of the street again. I love you so much that..." I paused, unable to stop the tears from flowing now, feeling like a fucking weakling as I did.
"I love you so much that I hope I don't come back. I hope I don't come back so you can be free of me and you can live the rest of your life without me in happiness,"
I say the words and Nico goes still, I finally took a glance at him to catch him shaking with a mixture of emotions flowing through him. His defensive face shifts as he processes what I just said.
"Nakoa, where are you going?" He asked and I laughed like a fucking psychopath, shaking my head as I did so.
"Oh please, don't act like you actually care. You've made it very clear just now that's not the case with us," I grunted as I grabbed my keys from the bowl and started to walk out the garage door again until Nico grabs my arm.
"Koa, where are you going?" He asked and I gently shook him off.
"I'm being deployed Nico, with excellent timing I guess because it's not like you missed me the last time I was deployed anyway. If I come home, I'll give you the divorce you want, okay?" I reassure him but now his eyes flooded with tears. Fuck, I hate it when he cries.
"No, no, no, You better make it back to me Koa," He threatens and I shrug, walking over to the Jeep and tossing my bag in the passenger seat.
"It's probably better for you if I don't. Don't even bother sending me letters, or calling me, or trying to get in touch with me at all. I'll be fine and I'm sure you'll be better off without me bothering you anyway," I told him and left without turning back.
Wiping the tears from my eyes with my Air Force uniform's sleeve as I did so.
I screamed as I slammed my fists against the steering wheel of the Jeep, parked in the garage of our house on base, I reread the letter containing my orders.
"Sgt Nakoa Thomas Jackson, report to the hanger at 16:00, June 1st for deployment to Afganistan for six months,"
After my loud outburst, I rested my forehead against my steering wheel, trying to catch my breath. It feels like just yesterday I got back from my first deployment, Nico's finally starting to fall in love with me, and my life was starting to cheer up for once.
But that was all about to come to a crashing halt.
The first of June is tomorrow and once I tell Nico, it's going to break his heart.
I get out of the jeep and close the door, adjusting my uniform and taking off my maroon beret, nervously scrunching it up in my sweaty palm as I opened the garage door.
"Nico? Honey, I'm home!" I called out, hearing my husband's footsteps as he came down the stairs. I straightened up, trying to put a smile on my face when I felt like the world around me was falling apart.
Nico would be fine, the military would make sure he was taken care of while I was gone.
Unless I don't come home this time.
"Hey Koa," Nico quietly mutters as he slowly approaches me from the stairs. He didn't look excited to see me as he walked up to me and planted a single kiss on my cheek. I tried to embrace him but he dodges away from me and walked to the kitchen table.
"I see you got the mail, how was your day today?" He asked, seeing the letter in my hand as he flopped his blonde hair to the side.
"Um...it was okay but Nico, there's something I have to tell you," I confess. Wanting to get it over with sooner rather than later.
"Oh thank God, there's something I want to tell you too," He lets out a sigh of relief and points to me.
"You can go first though," He gestures, holding the back of a kitchen chair and I pause, feeling like his news would be a hell of a lot lighter than mine.
"Maybe we want to discuss the same thing!" He smiles and I tried to smile too, I highly doubted it but I nodded to him.
"No please, I haven't seen you all day. Tell me what's up," I sat down at the kitchen table and he put his hands on his hips.
"I know, it's been on my mind all day too. I'm ready to call it quits," He says with a smile and my heart stops, a ball forms in my throat as I somehow manage to let a few words out.
"What do you mean?" I asked and he chuckled.
"Well remember how I said I would try to do this whole 'I love you' thing and try to actually be your husband instead of your best friend? Well, I can't do it anymore Koa and I don't think you can either. I tried it for a month and I don't like it because I feel like I'm lying to you. I don't actually love you, trust me I tried, but I just can't so let's go back to just being friends okay?"
Nico says and with every word he spoke, I felt like the left side of my chest was being torn to pieces.
Nico's smile quickly fades as he starts to come to the realization that I had no idea this was coming.
"Oh, sorry Koa, I thought that you...oh god, I'm sorry." he sighed as he sat down at the head of the table and stressfully ran his fingers through his hair.
"It's not you, I mean you're wonderful and all, I just don't like you like that nevermind love you. I mean think of it this way, at least you won't have to come home to an annoying husband anymore, just your chill best friend," He tries to smile and pat me on the shoulder but I shake it off.
"I never thought you were annoying," I quietly whispered and silence fills the air.
"I thought...I thought maybe you were actually starting to love me," I sighed and his smile leaves again. I slowly got up from the table, turning away from him as I walked over to the closet where I kept my emergency deployment bag.
"Koa, where are you going? Let's talk about this, come on." Nico tries to stop me with his words and I could hear the scraping of his chair against the hardwood floor.
"Koa-"
"There's nothing to talk about,"
I calmly interrupted his plea and tossed my backpack over my shoulder.
"You're better off without me, fine. Be without me. My love was for nothing? That's fine too. I don't care, I shouldn't care, fuck Nico," My heart breaks with every word that comes out of my mouth and I hold back the tears.
"You promised me a way out of the hell I was living in! I didn't know loving you had to be a part of the agreement!" He screamed at me and I felt like I was about to collapse at his words.
"I didn't ask you to love me! You're the one who kissed me and said you wanted to try it? Well, you 'tried it', you used me, and now you're done with me. That's fine." I remained calm. Physically incapable of yelling at him.
"It's fine Nico because you know what? I will never be the love of your life, but I love you so much that I never want to see you working some stupid minimum wage job and living on the side of the street again. I love you so much that..." I paused, unable to stop the tears from flowing now, feeling like a fucking weakling as I did.
"I love you so much that I hope I don't come back. I hope I don't come back so you can be free of me and you can live the rest of your life without me in happiness,"
I say the words and Nico goes still, I finally took a glance at him to catch him shaking with a mixture of emotions flowing through him. His defensive face shifts as he processes what I just said.
"Nakoa, where are you going?" He asked and I laughed like a fucking psychopath, shaking my head as I did so.
"Oh please, don't act like you actually care. You've made it very clear just now that's not the case with us," I grunted as I grabbed my keys from the bowl and started to walk out the garage door again until Nico grabs my arm.
"Koa, where are you going?" He asked and I gently shook him off.
"I'm being deployed Nico, with excellent timing I guess because it's not like you missed me the last time I was deployed anyway. If I come home, I'll give you the divorce you want, okay?" I reassure him but now his eyes flooded with tears. Fuck, I hate it when he cries.
"No, no, no, You better make it back to me Koa," He threatens and I shrug, walking over to the Jeep and tossing my bag in the passenger seat.
"It's probably better for you if I don't. Don't even bother sending me letters, or calling me, or trying to get in touch with me at all. I'll be fine and I'm sure you'll be better off without me bothering you anyway," I told him and left without turning back.
Wiping the tears from my eyes with my Air Force uniform's sleeve as I did so.
End of This Is Us Chapter 54. Continue reading Chapter 55 or return to This Is Us book page.