To Put On An Act - Chapter 9: Chapter 9

Youngbin and Alex had kissed on Tuesday. On Wednesday, Youngbin was on a school trip, on Thursday, Alex was busy helping out a friend, and on Friday, Youngbin had an exam that took up most of his school day, including the lunch break. And so it was Saturday, and Youngbin hadn't seen his supposed boyfriend since Tuesday. And though he wasn't completely sure about how exactly relationships worked, he felt like maybe this wasn't the way. Especially when it was supposed to be a public relationship.
That's why something within Youngbin felt a lot lighter when he saw a text from Alex. Well, at least it was one of the reasons. Another one being that it was Saturday afternoon, Youngbins least favourite time of the week, because it was the perfect time to get bored and start overthinking.
» whats up «
It was a short message, simple, nonthreatening, nondescript.
» Nothing at all actually «
» damn
you free rn? «
Oh, if there was one thing Youngbin was right now, it'd be free.
» I guess
Do you need something? «
» about to head to basketball practice
you wanna come along? «
» You play basketball? Didn't know that «
» not a big deal tbh were pretty unserious about it lol
BUT i thought u might wanna tag along bc
we got a biiig audience «
» Big audience you say? «
» yeaaa i knew thatd get u ;P
meet me at school and we can walk the rest together «
What a saving grace. Youngbin rolled out of bed, stumbled up and looked at himself in the mirror. His reflection wasn't the first thing that would catch his eye though, rather the dirt and dust on its surface. Perhaps he should clean it, he thought, and ignored the tired face looking back at him.
He grabbed his phone and jean jacket, slipped out of his room and quickly hopped down the stairs, then stuck his head through the living room door. Youngbin's father had taken the same place as he always did, sitting in his dark green armchair with a book in his hands that he had read a thousand times already.
"Dad? Is it okay if I go meet up with a friend?" Of course, Youngbin was 18 years old and could do whatever he wanted. And yet, going somewhere, anywhere, without asking first felt like a crime to him.
"Sure." His father didn't look up from the book, but a warm yet barely noticeable smile appeared on his lips. "Are you seeing Kaya?"
"Well- No, it's-" Youngbin hesitated. "He's a friend from school." He's my boyfriend, is what he could've said.
"Ah. Do I know him?"
"No."
"I see. Have fun."
Youngbin waited for another response, but his father had already lost himself in his book again. Perhaps he had hoped for another question, a bit more curiosity, a reason to say it, to say 'I'm seeing my boyfriend'. But, nothing followed. Part of Youngbin took it as a blessing, the successful evasion of having to tell the truth. And yet, something inside of his chest was bubbling up, waiting to spill out.
Not yet, though. It'd have to wait and simmer for a little longer.
—--
A bus ride to school usually took 11 minutes. Rosebury didn't have much, but it did have decent bus lines. Except that the bus to school didn't come on Saturdays, and remembering this took Youngbin around 19 minutes of standing at the bus stop and waiting, which also happened to be the amount of time it usually took him to get to school by bike.
The way back from the bus stop to his house was a 2 minute walk, pumping the tire of his old bike was another 4, and by the time Youngbin got off his bike a good 50 or so minutes had passed since he first left the house. And Alex must've been waiting for him for an equally long time.
Youngbin looked around the empty forecourt of Miller High. The setting sun had tinted the cement walls peachy, and suddenly those cold geometric structures looked a little like oversized building blocks. And leaning against one of those pinkish blocks was Alex, busily tapping on his phone.
He wore a grey hoodie, and sweatpants to match it, the hood was pulled just barely over the back of his head, still exposing most of his hair, a dark backpack hung low on his back. Only his warm dark skin tone broke up this mass of grey almost melting into the monotone wall behind him.
Youngbin took a deep breath, locked his bike and approached Alex. He was going to say sorry, explain everything, and- Actually, how was he going to explain this? Without sounding like an idiot, that is? Perhaps he didn't need to explain in the first place, a simple apology would be enough. He was just going to wait for a reaction and then assess whether or not he should explain the situation. And then, if Alex looked like he wanted an explanation he could-
"Sorry to keep you waiting," Youngbin ended up saying, when the short walk from his bike to Alex didn't last long enough to plan every possible outcome of a conversation.
"Oh." Alex looked up, and he squinted a bit when the afternoon sun hit his face, and he smiled. "I didn't wait. I've been here for like, five minutes or something. Our gym's that way, by the way."
Alex had sunk his hands into the front pocket of his hoodie, started walking, and Youngbin hurried to keep up with him. Not bothered in the slightest by Youngbin's lateness, he talked of his basketball team, though 'team' was maybe a strong word.
He'd been training with them for a couple of years, in a gymnasium that was used by various niche sports clubs that Youngbin didn't even know existed. The team used to be funded by a sponsor or two, competed in local competition and usually lost due to a lack of passion, and now it seemed to be nothing more than a pastime activity for a couple of teenage boys that had nothing better to do in this town.
And yet, Alex put in the effort to come and train every three weeks or so, surprisingly showing a lot more consistency than for, say, attending school.
"We used to be sponsored by this one guy's dad who had a bank or something," Alex said while taking a turn, walking down a road that Youngbin had always wondered about where it might lead. "He even got us jerseys and all."
"Not anymore?"
"Nah. The guy moved away so like, why would his dad still sponsor a team his son wasn't even a part of anymore? Also, we were pretty bad. I wouldn't put my money into us either. I think most of us don't give a fuck about basketball."
"And you're still doing it?"
Alex became quiet for a few seconds, pressed his lips together as he thought.
"I guess. It's not like I have anything better to do, hm?" He was silent for a few more seconds, then: "What do you do? Like in your freetime?"
Youngbin was caught off guard, almost overwhelmed with such a simple question. What did he do? And what, out of those things that he did, were even worth mentioning? He cleared his throat, shrugged.
"Well, I guess I study for school, and I listen to music." Youngbin kicked away a rock on his path, crossing his arms behind his back as he walked. "And I watch movies sometimes." And I lie on my bed and try to not get eaten alive by boredom. And sometimes I click through Wikipedia for hours and read up on niche stage plays. It's what he could've said, but he held himself back. For now.
"Hm."
"And I watch YouTube videos," Youngbin added.
"Okay. Cool."
Well. The conversation was dead. Which happened a lot when one let Youngbin talk about himself. Alex nodded his head, had been doing so for a couple of seconds, as if to think of something to say next.
"What do you do?" Youngbin quickly asked in return. He'd rather let others talk in situations like this.
"Oh man, I don't know. Listen to music. Scroll on TikTok for hours, you know, the usual. Kinda just existing and waiting."
"Waiting for what?"
"Not sure yet. I'll know when I'm done waiting." Alex just shrugged, then a gentle smile appeared on his lips as he decided to answer the question again. "Probably waiting for graduation though. Like, if I'm done with school I can stop wasting my time."
Youngbin nodded, trying his very best to understand. It wasn't like Alex actually did a lot at school, at least nothing that could be a potential waste of time to him. He was already choosing to spend his time however he wanted, so why not do something he wouldn't consider a waste?
"What do you want to do after school?"
"Maybe-" Now Alex kicked a rock out of his way as well. "Become a rockstar and do drugs all day and write songs about doing drugs? I don't know, honestly. I'll just do whatever I feel like doing." Wasn't that exactly what he was already doing?
"So no plans after school at all?"
"I'm not one for plans." Alex shrugged. "Why, you've got it all planned out already?"
"I mean, yeah. We have a couple of schools for performing arts picked out. When I graduate I'll probably move away as soon as possible."
"Performing arts? Like dancing your emotions and shit like that?"
"No," Youngbin chuckled, "like acting, musical theatre."
"Ooh, yeah, right! You're an actor, right!"
"Well, I'm going to be, hopefully."
"You are, like, right now." Alex finally pulled his hands out of his pocket to give Youngbin a gentle nudge, then nodded over to a building.
The gymnasium that Alex would train in looked old, a bit neglected, but not quite yet abandoned. A couple of cars, bikes, even a motorcycle were parked in front of it. Someone sat on the metal stairs that lead to another entrance on the second story, something of a club room, judging by the banners and trophies with different logos on them that were displayed behind dirty windows.
It seemed like the kind of place that was never particularly loved, like a home for disappointment and loss and passionless competitions. To a few, maybe, the gym meant something, held precious memories, but when Youngbin looked to Alex, he saw but a coldness in his eyes. Once again, Youngbin couldn't help but wonder why he was still coming here.
"We're early," Alex said, pulling out his phone to glance at the clock on the display. Early, as if Youngbin hadn't taken almost an hour to even get here. Alex then nodded over to the guy sitting on the stairs. "Our team captain, by the way, Wayne. Or like, substitute team captain."
Alex dropped his phone back into his pocket, then gently reached out to hold Youngbin's arm as he waved over to Wayne. Youngbin flinched at first, then quickly tried to relax, moving into Alex' touch.
"'Sup!"
Wayne looked up, a smile lit up on his square face. He had a patchy stubble, shaved hair, heavy eyebags, definitely looked older than Alex, but when he stood up from his spot at the stairs, he was noticeably short, or at least no taller than Youngbin himself.
"Alex! My man!" Wayne dropped his cigarette and stepped on it. "Who're you bringing!"
Youngbin felt Alex' hand slide up his arm and around his shoulders, pulling him closer just a bit. He quickly put on a smile.
"Youngbin. My boyfriend." It sounded so much better now. Natural, almost. Not the words themselves, not the fact that "Youngbin" and "boyfriend" were said in the same context, but the way Alex delivered it. As if he had practised.
Wayne lifted his eyebrows, scanned Youngbin who quickly looked away.
"Boyfriend? Like a friend who's a boy or-"
"A boy that I'm dating," Alex clarified, his tone a mix of annoyed and amused.
"I thought you were into girls?"
"Both, actually."
"Woah, you're bisexual, I didn't know that! Did you know that? Alex is bisexual?" Wayne asked someone, certainly not Youngbin or Alex, someone else.
"We go to the same school, so, yeah, I did." Whereas Alex turned around to the voice coming from behind them, Youngbin did not- not yet.
"That's crazy. I didn't know that. Totally cool with it though, man. We respect everyone here." Wayne gave a thumbs up, a large but surprisingly friendly smile plastered on his face. "Ain't that right, Min?"
Min, right. Now Youngbin turned to face the person that he had seen at school before, when Alex had introduced them. A sharp face, buzzcut, a small tattoo underneath their right eye. They were noticeably tall despite sitting in a wheelchair.
"You know I'd kick you out if you didn't respect everyone?"
"What? Y-Yeah, but I do, I totally do, man- We do not discriminate based on, uh, gender, s-sexuality or-" A smirk appeared on Min's face as Wayne stumbled over his rehearsed words.
"We got it, man. Thanks." Alex huffed, pulled Youngbin a little closer to him, then gave him a somewhat reassuring grin. Youngbin only now noticed that his face had kind of been unmoved the entire time, just a rigid smile that probably looked as studied and loveless as Wayne's anti discrimination speech.
Though, now, maybe the smile softened up. It felt like it, at least, Youngbin noticed the muscles on his face relax all by themselves. Perhaps there was something about Alex that made him a little less stiff. A sign for a perfect co-actor.
Now Wayne pulled out his pack of cigarettes again, along with a key ring, walking past the three with a nod.
"I'm gonna go smoke and go for a piss. Y'all can come in when you feel like it for warm up." Alex nodded back, and Min also nodded back, and Youngbin decided to do the same, though a bit delayed.
Alex let go of Youngbin's shoulder to fall onto the metal stairs himself, dropping his backpack next to him with an over dramatic sigh, then he patted the space next to him to ask Youngbin to sit down as well.
"That was Wayne. Not a bad guy. At all, he's just-"
"He's trying his best," Min finished, moving their wheelchair a bit closer to the two. "He's adjusting. To everything." For some reason, they had a slight sadness in their voice, or perhaps it was just tiredness. Now they also pulled out a pack of cigarettes, lit one, and offered the pack to Alex and Youngbin.
His mother had always warned Youngbin about moments like this, and so had Kaya. When the cool kids offered you drugs, it was your job to loudly exclaim 'No, I don't do drugs!' and then run away. Youngbin, of course, was not doing that, and just shook his head, as did Alex. Min shrugged, slipped the package back into a pocket, then scanned the two.
"Youngbin Lee, yeah?" Youngbin nodded. "I know why you looked so familiar to me. Is your mom Dr Han?" Youngbin nodded again, a little slower. "Oh man, I knew it! Your mom is my mom's gynaecologist!"
"Ah." Youngbin just kind of blinked slowly. "That's nice."
"Man, I knew it! You look just like her."
It was true, kind of. Youngbin had her round eyes, her wavy hair, he was slender like her, though she'd look more elegant, whereas Youngbin's proportions seemed almost clumsy at times.
"Have you met his mom yet?" Min asked Alex, who just shook his head.
"Oh, no, I don't think she-"
"I'm not really out. Yet," Youngbin quickly answered, the first time he had actually said a full sentence. "I will, though, some time soon."
He was going to, really. He just didn't know when. It was like he waited for the perfect moment, as though there was a right moment in the first place, when he knew exactly that his mother wouldn't take it well, no matter how good her day had been, how 'right' that moment was.
And now Youngbin felt a hand touch his waist, then quickly pull away again to feel it on his shoulder instead. Like Alex had read his mind and tried to comfort him by pulling him a little closer.
"There's no rush," Alex simply said, maybe a little too quiet for Min to actually hear it.
"Well." Min stretched their arms, then took a drag of their cigarette, eyed the fake couple closely. "By the way, you do know that Demian is coming today?"
"I'm aware." Alex' voice turned cold, and his hand moved again, from Youngbin's shoulder closer to his neck. Now who was Demian?
"Ah." Another drag on Min's cigarette. "So you have a death wish."
"He can try causing a scene, I don't care. I don't give a fuck."
Min raised their eyebrows, something in their dark eyes gleamed impishly, then they looked at Youngbin again, with a sorry expression. He didn't like it, for some reason. The way all of Alex' friends smiled at him like that, like they somehow pitied Youngbin for being with Alex.
"'Course you don't. Anyway." They dropped their cigarette, rolled over it with their wheelchair and Youngbin couldn't help but feel like it wasn't the best thing for its wheels. "Gonna check on Wayne. See you in a few."
Youngbin felt Alex' hand relax a little, and it slid off his shoulder and back into Alex' pockets.
"Who's Demian?"
"The main target."
"And that means?"
"Leia's piece of shit brother. He, uh... Never really liked me. Now he likes me even less. And after this," Alex gestured vaguely, "he's gonna want to tear me apart." He smiled, a rather unfitting expression for words such as 'he's gonna want to tear me apart'.
"And you want him to see you with me," Youngbin concluded, and Alex nodded. He did care about him causing a scene then.
"He's gonna tell Leia that he saw us, and then-" Another vague gesture, and Youngbin couldn't quite figure out what was going to happen then. "He's like her personal little guard dog. Weird fucking guy."
Youngbin nodded as though he understood. When really, he didn't quite see the appeal in 'making a guy want to tear him apart'. It was kind of like Alex was using Youngbin to cause more problems for himself- using. Youngbin tried to push that word away. It sounded exploitative.
When really, it wasn't at all, it was mutually beneficial. Or maybe- not that beneficial, for neither of them actually. Alex just got people to hate him, and Youngbin got people to hate him more than they had before. Now that he thought about it, was anything going well yet? For either of them? Perhaps it was-
"Bin?" Youngbin blinked rapidly when he felt Alex nudging him slightly. "Hello? Zoned out?"
"Oh. Y-yeah. Sorry. What?"
"Let's get inside," Alex said with a smile, and Youngbin's train of thought was going to end with 'mutually destructive', but a smile like that could never do any harm.
The gym's entrance was a small room, and if Youngbin tried to imagine a whole team crammed into it, he'd start getting claustrophobic. There was a narrow hallway that seemed to be the way to the dressing rooms, and a larger glass door leading directly into the hall. Alex pushed the door open, stepping aside to let Youngbin in first.
The air in there was horrible. It smelled like sweat, old and stuffy, and it was so dark. The lights were on, but working was another thing. One of them, Youngbin noticed it immediately, flickered ever so slightly. The bleachers looked worn and a little unstable, the windows at the ceiling barely let in the light, being too dirty to be useful.
A horrible place, rundown, it matched its outside. And yet so very faintly, just like the outside, between all the creaky sports equipment, there was a little bit of love, a few good memories, an echo of life and joy.
An echo of Wayne missing a shot, and Min hollering in response.
"Dude, you get worse by the day, what the fuck, man!"
"Well, I used to have a great coach but they ran into a car, sadly."
"Not funny," Min called out, laughing. They thought it was very funny.
"You can sit on the bleachers somewhere. Beware of, uhm, stains. Otherwise you're free to sit where you want." Alex hesitated, then grinned. "Unless you wanna play too."
"I'd rather not," Youngbin quickly answered, sitting down. Alex threw his backpack over to him, and he just barely caught it.
"Can you hold my stuff?"
Youngbin was, in fact, already holding it, so he nodded.
"Do you not have to change clothes?"
"I do, but if I step into the changing rooms I'll genuinely catch every disease in the world." And right then and there, he pulled his hoodie over his head.
Out of habit, Youngbin quickly turned his head away. As he always did. And Alex noticed, with a laugh.
"Did you just look away when I took off my hoodie?" Youngbin dared to look back, feeling caught, and Alex, of course, wasn't suddenly naked. He wore a sleeveless shirt, like he had many times before, black and large and a little wrinkled looking, and Youngbin got to catch sight of his arms again. Still the same old tattoos, scattered across his skin, little doodles that he was going to have on his body forever. Youngbin wished that he could've come a little closer, observed each of them a bit better-
"Helloooo? Dude, how do you become unresponsive every time I've got no sleeves?"
"I- Well-" Youngbin looked up to Alex' face, stared right in his eyes now as if that was going to make him look any more normal. Right into these dark brown eyes. Alex stared right back. Only after a few seconds Youngbin realised that he had stopped talking, once again, and the grin on Alex' face grew.
"Okay. I got it, you're super into me. It's okay, I totally get that, many are- Oh my god, Youngbin."
Youngbin, naturally, was still staring right into his eyes, and noticed the heat creeping up into his face and ears.
"You have not blinked in like five seconds. I-I was joking, yeah?"
"Yeah." Youngbin blinked, multiple times. What on earth was that?
Alex nodded, slowly, still with a smug smile on his lips, and he looked as though he was going to say something else, then just threw his hoodie over to Youngbin, who, this time, did not catch it. Rather, it landed right on his head.
"Whoops, sorry. I'm gonna go warm up. If you need something, just... scream, or something." Youngbin only saw Alex twirl around and jog over to Min and Wayne, and a couple of other people that must've walked in without Youngbin noticing.
Youngbin attempted to fold the hoodie and placed it next to him on the bleachers. And then, he sat there. He hadn't thought about that. That he'd have to just sit there, and kind of watch, and look like a supportive boyfriend. How would he even do that? Could he cheer? Was that a thing someone did? What would he even cheer on in the first place?
Right now, Alex was just stretching, chatting to Min, to Wayne, to whoever else was there. One time Wayne passed him a basketball, and Alex dribbled it, and then he threw it to someone else. Alex seemed to kind of have fun, at least.
Youngbin sighed. He'd always thought sports were rather boring, save for the few creative ones, like dancing. His sister was different, she went to a school that specifically 'supported young athletic talents', she was so into it. Youngbin wasn't even sure what exactly 'it' was. But she was into it, and Youngbin could respect that.
He looked around the gym and imagined it in a visited, more lively state. With the bleachers full, with fans cheering, and with two teams, doing something. He tried to imagine an action packed atmosphere, like he had seen at his sister's games. He tried, that was the keyword. Everything kind of blended together in front of him, dark gloomy colours and movements and noises-
Until something broke it up. Someone. In a clean white shirt, with bleached platinum blond hair, a strong woody smell, a large boy walked past Youngbin, seemingly not noticing his presence. His back faced Youngbin as he walked towards the group of players, some of which welcomed him. His back. The shirt was tight, especially around his arms, and accentuated his well trained body. He was tall, probably about Alex' height, but he was... wider? His shoulders, his back, and yet his waist was slim.
And then he turned around. Their eyes met, just once, and Youngbin felt the heat run through his body and face. As if the muscular body and long blonde hair hadn't been enough, the pretty strangers' eyes were two coloured. One, almost black, and the other, an icy blue, and Youngbin couldn't help but wonder how a man could look so unnaturally stunning, so fairytale-like, as if he was fake, made up in Youngbin's mind.
He blinked, a couple of times actually, almost rapidly. He was still there, though had turned around again. Holy-
Youngbin quickly looked down again. What the hell was that? What was he thinking? Staring at someone like that? How misbehaved, impolite. Something in his chest twisted as he stared at the ground, the dirty floorboards underneath his feet, and didn't dare to look up again.
Until he felt someone standing in front of him.
"Sorry this is taking so long. Isn't the most thrilling experience for you so far, huh," Alex said, reaching past Youngbin for his backpack. Youngbin didn't say anything just yet, as though something was blocking his voice from coming out.
"If you, like, wanna leave," Alex continued, "I can go early, by the way." He took one big sip from his water bottle, then let himself fall onto the bleachers next to Youngbin, poking him gently with his elbow. "We're gonna start in a few, but I can just, y'know, say that something happened and we can piss off."
Youngbin just hummed in response, though it was neither a 'yes' kind of hum, nor a 'no'. It was just a response, any kind of response so that Alex knew he wasn't dead.
"See that prince charming looking ass over there?" Alex pointed at the blonde, and Youngbin nodded. He'd seen him. He wished he didn't. "Demian Zhang. World's most White-Knight-y motherfucker on the planet."
So the 'target' happened to be the hottest man that- No, no, no, the- the most handsome man that Youngbin had ever seen.
"He-" Youngbin almost choked on his words. Screw that. What was wrong with him?
"His face is extremely fucking punchable. I won't punch him, I promise, but I do have the urges."
"His arms are impressive."
Alex fell quiet for a few seconds. Then, with a colder voice than usual: "Bet he's on steroids." Silence again, because Youngbin had no idea what he was supposed to answer.
His gaze wandered through the hall again, despite his best efforts, it seemed stuck on Demian. He was tying up his long hair into a bun, revealing an undercut as he talked to Wayne. He almost seemed like he was purposefully flexing his arms now, and Youngbin couldn't imagine the amount of stress that was on the hems of Demian's sleeves. The muscles on his chest were visible, and they were- oh god.
Youngbin was staring at a stranger's chest like that, out in the open, and he couldn't seem to look away. Until Demian turned his head, and his eyes caught Youngbin's again. That was when he finally managed to break away and pretend like he hadn't been staring, hoping that nobody had noticed, that nobody could hear his heartbeat right now. But Alex had, of course, very much noticed.
"He's really not that hot." It was more of a murmur to himself, but Youngbin heard it loud and clear. "Like, seriously. He's insane. He-"
"He has heterochromia."
"He what."
"He has two coloured eyes. One is blue and the other-"
"And you had to stare at his tits to figure that out?"
"I- I didn't-" He totally did, and there was no denying it.
"I'm joking." Alex didn't sound like he was. "But I'm just saying. I'm supposed to be your boyfriend, so maybe, to make it realistic, look at me too every once in a while?"
"I- I mean, yes, I-" Surprised by Alex' sudden change in mood, Youngbin stumbled over his words once more. Was he- No, he was right, what kind of boyfriend was staring at other men like that. "I guess so."
"Great." Alex swung back on his feet and walked back to the group, but not before turning around once more, his eyes still dark, narrow, but with a grin on his lips that couldn't have been more confident, almost combat ready. "Then watch me."
There were sirens going off, warning calls everywhere, shaking and begging Youngbin to not look. To not do that, to not stare at Demian, or Alex, or anyone. It was that twist he felt in his chest again, this kind of guilt that had pressed the air out of his lungs since the very day Youngbin realised who- what he was.
But if there was one thing louder than those sirens, it was Alex' voice echoing through the hall.
"Enough standing around. Let's play." Alex walked, and walked, and only stopped when he was right in front of Demian. The height difference was minimal, but Youngbin could still tell that Demian was taller by the smallest bit. "You VS me, what do you say, Zhang?"
"What do I say?" Demian's voice was deep and smooth and a bit too calm. "Aren't you scared of getting embarrassed in front of your new toy?"
"You do not call my boyfriend a toy, Demian. Come on now. Don't be a pussy."
The air was brimming with tension, stuffy enough to make it hard for Youngbin to breathe. Alex took one step back, and Demian began smiling. It wasn't like Alex' smiles at all. It wasn't cheeky and assuring and warm and playful. Demian's smile felt like a threat. And then he looked towards Youngbin once again, and winked, and Youngbin wasn't sure if he hated that or not, but heat rose up into his face either way.
"Alright, you heard our fuckboy! Same teams as usual." Demian stretched his arms again, and every few seconds, he threw a glance towards Youngbin.
Some of the guys standing on the field looked a little confused by this sudden duel, especially Wayne, who looked back and forth between Alex and Demian, slowly shrugged and walked over to Alex, probably to join his team. Min, however, steered into Youngbin's direction.
"Told you he has a death wish," they just said as they positioned their wheelchair next to Youngbin, pulled out their phone and set a timer ready. "Demian's no joke." They paused, then added: "Neither is Alex, though, and Wayne's in his team, so-"
They scanned each of the players as though they were calculating a possible outcome of the game.
"You're not playing?" Youngbin asked, then realised that it might be a rather stupid question.
"I would, if more than only half of my body was working." They continued to observe the players and whatever strange ritual they had to go through first to officially start the game. Youngbin had never really seen a basketball game before. "For now I'm eternally damned to play referee."
They leaned forward a bit and held their thumb above the start button on the timer of their phone. Youngbin leaned forward as well, in an attempt to look just as interested and observant as them.
In the middle of the field, Demian and Alex stood face to face. They stared at each other, as though they were about to tear each other apart, and Youngbin saw that Demian whispered something. Alex' head snapped into Youngbin's direction in response, and he quickly gave a thumbs up to Alex. Ah. And there was a smile, a short one, lasted for no longer than a second before he turned his head back to Demian to respond something, and his expression had gone back to stone cold concentration.
Another player held the ball above their heads, and then, everything kind of went a little bit too fast. The ball was thrown into the air, slapped away by Demian, and everyone started moving. It was hard to follow, Youngbin couldn't quite make out who belonged to which team, what direction the ball had to go in the first place.
Alex was fast. Faster than Demian, certainly, faster than most other players. He moved with precision, scanned his surroundings, his teammates, and reacted specifically to each of Demian's movements.
Demian on the other hand was aggressive, he charged at the players every time someone had the ball, he slapped it away, he threw with such power, each of his steps were heavy and very much loud. Youngbin only now noticed how big his hands were when Demian held the basketball, then passed it to another player.
It didn't take long for Demian's hair tie to give in, the bun having loosened, slowly unravelling. Strands of his long bleached hair fell into his face, and with one swift motion, he pulled off the tie. A little too elegantly to be in the middle of a basketball game, a stream of blonde hair poured down his shoulders.
Damn. He looked good. Youngbin felt sick. He couldn't just think that. Not about a stranger. That handsome stranger with the fairytale face, and strong arms and hands that were dribbling the basketball in the direction of the hoop, ready to shoot.
"Get fucked, pretty boy," Min hissed, the second that the ball was slapped out of Demian's control, by, of course, none other than Alex. He was back on track, and the entire game once again blurred in front of Youngbin's eyes.
Quick movements, squeaks of sneakers on the gym floor, calls and curses, and in the middle of it, Alex. And a voice echoed in the back of Youngbin's head. "Then watch me."
He was good at making one want to watch. There was a sort of rhythm to all of his movements, it was hard to describe, hard to notice even, but Youngbin saw it. He was fast and agile and observant, and constantly moving to a beat only he could hear, but a beat that very much dictated the game.
His eyes had gone dark again, cold, had the kind of look on his face that he was so known for. 'Nobody mess with me.' The kind of look that Youngbin would've been scared of just two weeks ago. Not anymore though, now that he knew how soft those same eyes could look.
It was still hard to figure out which was the 'true' him. If the gentleness he showed around Youngbin was the act, or if it was the toughness. He did play both roles effortlessly though, switching between them, his eyes changing, making him a different person depending on who he looked at. It was all in his eyes, his dark brown eyes.
Friendly eyes, gentle when he spoke to Youngbin. Awake, lively eyes when he watched his close friends. Cold, warning, around everyone else. Eyes that focused, were so vigilant as they followed every movement of his opponents, that were fixed on the basketball being passed from one player to the other, that shifted slightly, that met Youngbin's.
For a second, maybe three, or ten, Alex looked at Youngbin, and his expression minimally changed a hundred times, from focused to surprised, then soft, then the exact opposite, sharp and proud and a little arrogant and terrifyingly attractive, and he looked right at Youngbin. Youngbin looked back. How could he not.
"Alex!" Min called out, ripping both of them back into reality. "You can eye-fuck your boyfriend later, focus!" A ball flew right past Alex as he caught himself again, immediately looking at the player that had attempted to pass it to him.
"Fuck, sorry, my fault!" And he sprinted after the ball, quickly trying to save his short moment of inattentiveness.
Youngbin felt the heat rise up in his face, his entire body, as he had felt it so many times today, and did his best to ignore Min's smug look. Did they have to say it like that?
"I might not let you come here again if he ends up being distracted, you know?" Well, it wasn't like this was going to be a common occurrence. "Or- maybe, actually, you can be his cheerleader." Score for Alex' team. Youngbin had almost missed it.
"Who's winning?"
"Alex is in the lead now." Min still had that grin on their face. "Aw, I think he's really putting in the effort for you!"
Was he? He certainly put in a lot of effort, but Youngbin was pretty sure that it wasn't for him. For the audience, perhaps, for Demian. It was certainly for Demian, and a quick glance towards him showed that this performance was working. His pretty face had twisted a bit in frustration, a couple of hair strands stuck to his wrinkled forehead as he went into position after Alex had scored a point for the team.
"Half-time soon." Min checked the timer on their phone. "I'm tasking you with motivating him a bit during break, if you get what I mean." Youngbin didn't get it. "I want him to win."
"Do you not like Demian either?" Youngbin asked, and Min only let out a laugh.
"Slimy motherfucker, if you ask me. The whole family, I can't stand them." Demian didn't look particularly slimy, nor did Leia. "I like when they get mad."
Thinking of it now, Min would've been great for this whole plan as well. The dating thing. After all, the one thing Alex wanted was to upset Leia, and Min seemed to really have the same goal.
For a second, Youngbin wondered if maybe he should tell Min the truth, but he decided against it quickly. It wasn't his place to tell Min anything, really, and there was something fun about seeing them believe the whole act. They didn't seem stupid or gullible, and it gave Youngbin the slightest ego boost, having Min right there, believing their story. That could only be a sign of good acting on Youngbin's- and Alex' part.
"Aaand-" Min pressed the 'stop' button on the display as it hit the 20 minute mark. Hard to believe it'd already been that long since they started playing. "BREAK TIME."
Youngbin flinched when Min yelled, louder than he had anyone ever heard yelling. Unsurprisingly, the action on the field almost instantly came to a halt. Instead of the player's fast steps, Youngbin could only hear heavy breathing now.
"Bullshit, we can go on," Alex coughed. He didn't look like he could go on, really. Sweat was glistening on his dark skin, his chest raising and lowering rapidly, and his eyes, god, his eyes. Sharp and serious and dark.
"Dude, come on, I'm out of practice," another player pleaded, "I gotta get a break."
Alex exhaled, nodded slowly. He pushed his hair back with one hand, slowly, stopping mid movement as he looked at Youngbin. The corners of his mouth twitched up, not a smile quite yet, but almost. Close enough.
"Ten minutes," he said, then made his way over to Youngbin as the other players scattered as well.
"Are ya winning, son?" Min called out to him, and he gave them a cheeky grin.
"Was about to, but you called break. Bin, can you get my water out of my bag?"
Youngbin did as he was told, pulling out an almost comically large bottle. Alex grabbed it, drank what looked like half of the content of said bottle, and spilled the other half while he was drinking. He definitely needed a break as much as everyone else.
Throwing the bottle back to Youngbin, he lifted his shirt up to wipe his mouth, then his forehead- Youngbin looked to the ground quickly as soon as he caught a glimpse of skin when Alex lifted the fabric of his tank top. He wasn't going to be caught staring again.
"Enjoying the game?" Youngbin dared to look up again when Alex asked.
"Well, I- Sports isn't doing much for me, really." He cleared his throat. "You looked great though." What an odd addition. Youngbin wasn't sure what made him say that.
Alex lifted his brows, shaking his head to basically undo the hair-out-of-face-pushing again. He opened his mouth to say something, closed it again almost instantly. He did this a lot. Clearly holding himself back. Then, as though he had to consider another answer after scrapping his first choice: "I know."
Alex let himself fall onto the bleachers next to Youngbin after he quickly pushed Alex' bag aside to make space for him. His breathing was still fast, and Youngbin listened to it closely.
"Min said you're leading."
"Yeah." Alex exhaled again, trying to stabilise his breathing again. "I wanna pretend like that was all me."
"Min also said that you're putting in more effort than usual."
"Hm. Maybe." He smiled, now it was a proper smile. "I just don't like losing."
"Not in front of your cheerleader," Min added, and Alex hesitated, before he nodded, slowly.
"Right. That'd be embarrassing, huh?" He nudged Youngbin, just slightly, gently. "I wouldn't want you to run off with Demian if I lost." Min snorted, but something in Alex' voice didn't sound as jokingly as it should have sounded. And Youngbin didn't find it as funny as he should've.
He didn't even know Demian. He hadn't even talked to him. He knew his name, and now knew his face. There was no reason to joke about him like that. Just because Youngbin had looked, maybe even stared at him- Why even joke, why consider being with someone just because they looked good? Youngbin tried to swallow the odd feeling in his throat.
"I don't even know him," Youngbin murmured, maybe way too late to still be relevant for the conversation, but he said it anyway, quietly, quiet enough for Min to not hear it- but loud enough for Alex, who answered, just as quietly.
"But you think he's hot."
"Whatever," Youngbin almost snapped back. Perhaps 'snap' wasn't quite the right word, but it was as close to snapping as Youngbin could physically get. A quick answer that certainly marked the end of this conversation.
So now both of them, well, three of them including Min, sat there more or less in silence. Silence was what Alex deserved though, a moment to breathe, not have to talk to Youngbin, to just relax for a second. He didn't say anything, didn't really do anything either, just sat and closed his eyes for a few seconds.
Every now and then, he grabbed the fabric of his shirt to fan himself some air. He must've been hot- it must've been warm for him. The air inside the gym was stuffy, unmoving, and probably worse for Alex than it was for Youngbin.
It didn't feel like ten minutes, but the game also hadn't felt like twenty minutes, so perhaps Youngbin was trapped in some kind of wormhole where time moved quicker, but the break was over soon.
Alex was still sweaty, his shirt sticking to his body, but at least his breath had stabilised enough. He jumped up almost immediately when Min yelled.
"BACK TO THE GAME, LADIES!"
Alex turned to Youngbin once more, a grin on his lips. Before he could say anything though, Youngbin quickly opened his mouth first.
"I'll watch you."
Alex' grin shifted to be a little more confused for a moment, then it only widened.
"Was hoping so." And back to the game. Jumping up and down in place, he high fived Wayne, who said something to him. And with the same ritual as they used to start the first half, the game resumed. Blurry like before, a bit too quickly for Youngbin to really keep up, but judging by Min's comments, it was going well.
Better than before, actually. Alex' team was leading, even Youngbin could grasp that much. And leading by a lot for that matter. With every point that he, or his team, scored, Demian looked more annoyed. Which, in turn, visibly made something within Alex burn brighter.
And he did look good. He made his movements look so oddly fluid, not hectic, not choppy, but precise, planned out just perfectly. And another twenty minutes passed, the last five minutes of which Min began commentating the game with such satisfaction in their voice.
"And, ladies and gentlepeople, Mr Zhang is fucking up severely. Can he score one more point in this last minute or will he- Oh, and another point for team Alex, who's doing it like him? What a sexy beast he is, what a winner, what an alpha male, he truly is the greatest player of the year-" Youngbin had a hard time not giggling. "I'd give Demian the 'Winner of Hearts' title, but that'd be a fat fucking lie. What a loser."
Their finger hovered over the 'stop' button once more, and only a couple of seconds were left. There really was no use in still letting them play, the winner was clear, but Min specifically made it a point to hit the time at the exact right millisecond- which they failed, narrowly. Youngbin mentally prepared himself for the yelling.
"GAME. TEAM ALEX WINS. UNSURPRISINGLY."
"What an unbiased referee," Demian complained, sweaty, exhausted, damn frustrated. Min shrugged, gave him a grin. They weren't really doing much as a referee anyways, let the guys crash into each other, curse at each other every now and then, but it seemed to be rather normal with this group. To not have that many rules, that was.
Alex held up his hands, high fiving his team members. His expression was one of pride, and a little catharsis. Youngbin felt the need to finally get up from his spot on the bleachers, to run over to him, to- not hug him. Not in that sweaty state. But to give him a high five as well, with both hands, a smile, and-
It wasn't really a high five, not a proper one, because their fingers intertwined as soon as Youngbin's hands hit Alex'. It just happened, and seemed like the right thing to do, and Alex was beaming.
"I won for you, by the way." He smiled at Youngbin like only a boyfriend could. And Youngbin gave his best to do the same. They looked at each other for a little longer- really just a few seconds, and Youngbin felt the eyes of some of the other players on him.
It didn't feel as awful as it usually did, though- The people staring. Perhaps because most of these people didn't actually know Youngbin, didn't have an opinion of him just yet, or maybe because Alex made a situation like this feel just a little more safe, a little less terrifying.
"Now I won't have to leave you for a guy I've never talked to." A joke Youngbin himself didn't perceive as particularly funny, but Alex laughed. At least he laughed.
"Are you guys going for another round?" The crowd almost collectively groaned at Min's question. "I take that as a no. Are we dismissed, Mr Team Captain?"
Alex looked at Wayne, so did the other players, and eventually Youngbin followed them suit. Wayne, however, was talking to Demian, and the two seemed to get along relatively well. Though Demian still had a bitter expression on his face, he seemed to have loosened up again, talking to Wayne as if he wasn't one of the reasons Demian just lost the game.
"Wayne? Hello?" Min called his name again, and when they finally caught his attention: "Are we done?"
"Oh. Yeah, sure, good work, everyone! Really good game today, didn't think we still had it in us!"
"Blame it on our cheerleader!" Min had moved over to Youngbin and Alex, patting both on the back as best as they could. "You're allowed to come by anytime. Might even go competitive again!"
Alex huffed and let go of Youngbin's hands to brush his hair out of his face again. Sweat had dropped down from one strand right onto his face, and it rolled down his neck into the hem of his shirt, which stuck to his body. Youngbin decided to not look, at least not too closely.
"No need to get this dramatic," Alex said to Min, though he still looked at Youngbin. "Decent game. Nothing crazy though."
"Well, compared to the passionless shit show you usually pull-" Min stopped themselves from continuing, cleared their throat. They then smiled such a polite well meaning smile, and with the friendliest voice they said: "Alex, you smell putrid."
"I'm sweating a little."
"We can tell."
"Guess I'm gonna have to-" He gestured towards the changing rooms that, earlier, he refused to enter.
"Oh, they were cleaned recently. You won't get unspeakable sicknesses in there anymore after one shower." Min still showed a sickly sweet smile, and Alex sighed.
"Right. Uhm- Bin, I'll meet you outside?"
Youngbin quickly nodded, and now noticed that most of the other players had long left after Wayne had dismissed them. Just a couple of people were still standing around chatting. No sign of Demian though. Youngbin didn't know if he was happy about this or not.
Min wasn't going to join Youngbin outside the gym, so he left by himself. A gust of fresh air hit him when he left the stuffy hall, and the dim flickering light was replaced by the soft left over glow of the setting sun, that had almost completely disappeared by now.
It had gotten a little cooler, though Youngbin welcomed it. The last day of September had come, and it was as though Rosebury was now cooling down to welcome October, and Fall for that matter. Youngbin's favourite month. Or one of his favourites. Either way, Youngbin loved the change of seasons.
The metal stairs that he had sat on earlier were empty once again, though a couple of stomped out cigarettes were still left behind. Youngbin decided to sit down to wait out the time. To breathe.
He watched as every now and then, someone else walked out of the gym, got into their car or on their bike or leaned against a wall to wait for someone else. Some of them nodded towards Youngbin, some even waved goodbye. How odd that was. To have strangers be so kind- or at least, not awful to him. Not a stare, not a stupid comment. They respected him, or rather treated him with basic human decency. Because he was Alex' boyfriend. Or, perhaps, they just hadn't yet figured out the easiest way to make fun of Youngbin.
Youngbin now pulled out his phone. Almost 7. Dinner was usually around 8. He could most likely make it home in time. Or maybe he'd be a little late, and then his mother would ask where he had been, and then... Youngbin could answer that he was with Alex, and casually mention that he's-
"Youngbin, yeah?"
Youngbin froze. A voice sounding smooth, yet weirdly cold, distant, spoke to him. When Youngbin looked up, his heart skipped a beat, or perhaps multiple beats. He might as well have died then and there.
Two eyes looked right back at him, one dark, and one icy blue. And along with those eyes came a smile, and dimples, and tied up platinum blonde hair. Demian sat down next to Youngbin on the stairs without waiting for an answer, he crossed his legs and pulled a vape out of the pockets of his oversized varsity jacket.
Perhaps this was the moment where this whole 'basic human decency' thing Youngbin had so enjoyed would end. Maybe the time that Youngbin would be called a disgusting 'insert-slur-here' had come now. Or maybe something else unimaginably bad was going to happen. Maybe he was going to get beaten up by Demian's huge muscular arms. That certainly was a possibility.
"And you're supposed to be with Alex?" Supposed to? Now what's that mean? "Ouch. Gotta feel sorry for you."
Youngbin wasn't sure if he wanted to answer. So he simply didn't. This, of course, was an answer enough in Demian's eyes.
"I don't know if you know about, you know, what kind of person he is?" Of course Youngbin knew. Everyone knew what kind of person Alex was- or was supposed to be, because it had long turned out that he wasn't really what people thought they knew- "But, yeah, it's not worth it." Demian blew a cloud of vapour out of his mouth. The vape smoke smelled like artificial strawberries. Youngbin kind of hated it, or maybe he didn't, he wasn't all that sure what he was supposed to feel right now.
Now, for once, Demian actually waited for Youngbin to answer. An answer wouldn't come, though, there simply was nothing much to say. Worth what? What was he supposed to say? Was he to argue with Demian? Or understandingly nod and instantly run away from Alex? Demian just sighed after a couple of seconds of silence.
"I'm gonna tell you something. Y'all find Alex hot and exciting and shit, but you don't need a bad boy, yeah? No need to find a guy you can fix. Bullshit. That's an asshole and he's gonna do fuckall to make you happy, yeah? Gonna fuck around and then toss you out when he's satisfied."
"What makes you think that he'd do that?" Youngbin almost startled himself when he did actually open his mouth to answer. Demian however simply frowned, let out a sigh as though he was in such agony.
"Oh, I've seen it happen. You know Leia? His ex? I'm her brother." Youngbin had figured out that much. "Had a front row spot. Absolute fucking misery, I'm telling you. The guy's a heartbreaker. Why'd you think all his other relationships don't last longer than two weeks, man? He's a player."
Youngbin found that hard to believe. Though, he didn't really believe anything about Alex anymore. He was starting to believe that maybe even the fateful "Dennis Nelson Incident" was just a figment of Kaya's imagination.
"What I'm saying is that he's a bully."
"I'd know if he were." Another answer came out of Youngbin's mouth without his consent. It happened sometimes. When a thought he wanted to keep locked in his head snuck out.
"You don't know anything about him, Youngbin. Trust me." The worst thing about this was that Demian was speaking in a tone so distant, yet so worried, pronouncing these two last words so carefully, it was hard not to trust him. There was silence for another few seconds.
"I don't know why you're telling me this, actually."
"Because," Demian smiled, gently, an expression so unexpected on his sharp catlike face, and two dimples popped up on his face once more, "I don't want your heart to be broken. Pretty boys should never cry."
Now Youngbin raised his eyebrows. It took a second, and then it clicked. Demian had called Youngbin pretty. It was hard to believe, but the most gorgeous man Youngbin had ever seen just called him a 'pretty boy'. His ears and cheeks started to feel hot once more, and he wished he could've slapped himself.
But in whichever way his body was sabotaging Youngbin, his mind certainly stayed on topic.
"That's nice of you but I don't think I need your help. I happen to know my own boyfriend better than you."
Demian sighed, shrugged, and then, another puff of fake strawberry. He got up, finally, and put on a smirk, undoing his ponytail like he knew exactly what he was doing, knew exactly what Youngbin had thought of him and that cursed long hair earlier.
"I don't think you do. You can thank me later, when you're done with him. I'll be waiting. Patiently."
And he turned around. Walked away. Now, Youngbin actually slapped himself, once, and upon feeling the heat in his face, a second time. He felt a little sick again, stared to the ground until he could be sure that Demian was out of sight. Then, he exhaled, deeply and heavily, as though he had held his breath during this entire encounter.
If only he could run back into the gym and drag Alex out of the shower and then run home. And hide under a blanket. And stop thinking about a man with a body so good looking that it made Youngbin feel sick and words that went against everything Youngbin knew, yet delivered with such certainty that, admittedly, it confused the hell out of him.
He didn't have to drag Alex out of the shower though, he had already dragged himself out. He pushed against the glass doors, almost stumbled out as though he was in such desperate need to breathe fresh air again. His hood was pulled over his head, protecting his still damp hair from the chilly air outside.
"About the clean showers? Fucking lie. Nearly died. Smelled like a sewer in there and I think I could hear rats-" Alex stopped in his tracks as he began to eye Youngbin, who had gotten up from the rather uncomfortable metal staircase now. "Are you cold?"
"N- No, why?"
"Huh. Your face is all red."
"I'm cold, actually. Now that you say it." What a lie, one which Youngbin didn't even intend on telling. Alex looked as though he was going to say something, furrowing his brows.
"...Right. So, uh, are we going home?" His gaze was now lowered towards the ground, his hands were shoved back into the pockets of his hoodie. "Or at least I'll walk you to school? You probably know the rest of the way."
"Would be bad if I didn't."
"Uh-hu." Perhaps the energy had been knocked out of Alex after the game, or maybe something was up. The way Alex started moving, hesitant, lost in thought, it was so very out of character.
But Youngbin wasn't the type of person to ask if things were okay. He wasn't the kind of person to intrude into anyone's business, really, to ask for information he perhaps wasn't supposed to ask for. And yet it was clear that something seemed to be on Alex' mind. Perhaps, if he really wanted to talk about it, he'd do it on his own.
"So," Alex began, "how'd you like the game?"
"I think maybe sports isn't my thing." Youngbin cleared his throat. "But it was fun to watch, I guess. I mean, Demian believes us, and-" His voice almost cracked, as though his body was trying to stop him from speaking out the following words. "I liked watching you."
"Yeah. No. That was like, the most cringe thing I've ever said in my life, actually." Alex let out a sigh, looked up into the sky. His face twisted as if in disgust. "Man, I'm sorry about that whole thing. I just-" And then he stopped, and Youngbin almost lost his balance when he did the same.
"You don't really have to be sorry for anything? Like I said, you were fun to watch."
"Yeah, but I didn't need to act like a dick about it."
"You didn't though?"
"You're being too nice to me, man. I think I'd feel better if you just called me an attention whore."
Youngbin raised his eyebrows, then shrugged and decided to keep on walking. He was never going to get home for dinner otherwise.
"I don't think it's a big deal. You asked me to watch you play and then I did exactly that. That was the whole point, wasn't it?"
"I think," Alex caught up with Youngbin, his head held low, "the point was that I didn't like how you checked out Demian. Which kind of isn't my business. But I still didn't like it because he's a weird asshole."
"He's a little weird." But also weirdly charismatic. And he'd call Youngbin pretty. But he wasn't going to tell Alex about that, for some reason he'd decided on that already.
"If you like him just because he's hot I'm gonna go insane."
"Why would I think he's- I don't-"
"Youngbin, it's not that cold for your face to turn bright red. I get that he's fine, and if you're into his boobs that's fine, but he's a piece of shit and you don't have to defend him."
"I'm not into anything," Youngbin nearly snapped, and his stomach twisted. How was Alex just talking like that? How was he talking about- How could he say things like that and Youngbin could never, at least not without feeling like he had to throw up and bury himself?
"Oh, you sure aren't into anything." Alex let out a chuckle that sounded like he wasn't sure himself if he was joking or not. "I've known you for a week and I feel like I already know your exact type of man. Tall with big arms."
In his mind, Youngbin tried to come up with a defence, with something he could say that would convince Alex, or rather himself that he did not care about the way any man looked and how attractive they were and how much he thought that muscular arms did look attractive and-
Nothing came up though. No defence, no argument, just the painful realisation that Alex was right and Youngbin felt terrible about it. And that seemed to be very much readable in his face.
"Hey, I'm sorry, I don't mean to- Like, I didn't think that'd make you uncomfortable. Sorry."
It really wasn't Alex that had made him feel like that. It was himself, it was Youngbin alone and the thoughts that he had but tried to push down that made him uncomfortable. Thoughts that he couldn't control unless he punished his brain for them.
Alex now pulled one of his hands out of his pockets, and as gently as he could, he touched Youngbin's shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. Another one of these moments where suddenly, Alex had become incredibly good at reading Youngbin, reading his mind.
"It's not- It's just that I don't like- thinking about it."
"And 'it' is what?"
"It's the whole-" Youngbin stumbled over his words, hesitated, tried to put the right words into the right order in his head. However, his mouth wouldn't wait for his brain to arrange the correct answer. "The whole thing of me being the way I am?"
Alex pulled his hand away, he furrowed his brows and his eyes had turned weirdly soft, gentle, and almost worried. And Alex had looked worried before, but this was a little different, it resembled a kicked puppy, no, perhaps a child that had seen his puppy be kicked. And apparently Youngbin was said puppy right now.
"Bin, you are like... the most repressed gay I've ever seen."
"Guess I am," Youngbin sighed, and his steps fastened.
"And- And I'm sorry for-"
"Alex, you keep being sorry for me? You don't have to apologise for me being, you know- like that."
"I'm sorry because I keep outing you to people and force you to 'be like that'.."
"I've already said it was okay though."
"Well, you say that but I still feel like I keep overstepping your boundaries."
"Boundaries that I'm not even communicating to you. Stop putting the blame on you. I'm being a lot and I don't expect you to handle everything perfectly when I'm not being transparent."
That worry had become more desperate as Alex looked at Youngbin, trying to look directly into his eyes. A bit of frustration, a bit of disbelief, and once again, pity was written into Alex' face.
"Can't you just say 'Yes, Alex, it's all your fault as always, you should better yourself' and move on?" And then, after a sigh that has been the saddest one Youngbin had ever heard coming from Alex: "And you're not 'a lot'. Whoever told you that should be murdered."
"Whoever told you that everything's your fault should be murdered as well."
Another sigh, still sad sounding, but in a different way.
"I can't believe our first fight as a couple ends like that."
And Youngbin actually huffed, and maybe he felt the corners of his mouth rising a little, just a bit. And then, both of them stayed quiet as they walked.
The sun had disappeared from the sky, leaving the world around them in a gloomy grey, a not-yet-dark but definitely not bright kind of twilight. This part of Rosebury, was it even still in town, was quiet and perhaps a bit abandoned. Miller High had already been at the edge of town, and most people that didn't actually attend weren't even aware of the school's location.
It must've been the same with the gym. A single bumpy road lead from the school here to the gym, surrounded by the woods, pines of which there were plenty in Rosebury.
Youngbin knew that the town used to be much more lively. Parks and gyms and shops and public pools were littered all over, it was a place for business and lifestyle, but its hay day was long over, and now Rosebury was quiet, and sometimes felt a bit lonely. As it was now.
Quiet. Gravel and needles fallen from the trees crunching underneath Youngbin's feet as he walked next to Alex. Two souls on a deserted road.
"You can't even say it," Alex suddenly said after who knew how long they had been silent.
"Say what?"
"That you're- gay? I've never heard you say the word. I just kind of noticed it."
Of course he couldn't say it. He could barely even think it. Youngbin liked men, that was true and he knew it, but that one word- three letters. Something about it was so damn hard to say.
He'd heard it so many times, had been called it so many times, and yet he couldn't say it about himself. If he did, it felt like it'd be- dangerous, almost. He'd have to be vulnerable. He'd have to let himself be himself. And somehow it didn't feel like he had the right to do so.
"Maybe," Alex started, then hesitated to continue speaking. Hands buried deep in his pockets, Youngbin could still tell that he was nervously playing around with his own fingers. He was thinking.
"If I should shut up, you can let me know. But maybe," he continued, "it'd help you to say it. Like, not just the word. Tell someone about- what you feel? Like something that goes deeper? I don't know."
"Something deeper?"
"I mean, you already know that you're gay. If you actually talked about what you feel though, maybe it'd help you to accept it. Like your attraction, the thing that makes you- gay." Alex cleared his throat. "That makes no sense, right."
It didn't make sense, absolutely not. But Youngbin couldn't help but be intrigued. This attempt at advice almost reminded him of Kaya, who'd usually just say stuff and then mention feelings and emotions. And surprisingly, it'd work out quite frequently.
"Go on."
"I-I mean there's not much more to go on about. I'm just kinda saying shit right now." Oh, Alex was a lot like Kaya. "I just think that maybe to accept your own attraction you might want to tell someone else."
Sounded about right. Tell someone else about his attraction. Seemed pretty easy, if it wasn't for the fact that Youngbin wouldn't even want to think about being attracted to someone. That basketball practice was proof enough of this.
The way his stomach turned when Demian did pretty much anything, the way he'd scold himself for even thinking of his long hair and handsome face for a second too long.
And -Youngbin looked at Alex, at his side profile, well defined, his skin almost glowing against the darkening background of evergreen trees that didn't look so green now- he felt sick once more. Alex did this to him as well. Alex maybe did it to him more so than Demian. Alex looked so good that it made Youngbin feel sick.
Alex' voice, and his eyes, especially when they narrowed and darkened, and his hair, when it was damp and dripping onto his skin occasionally, and his arms, and the tattoos on his arms, and his lips that had an odd softness to them that Youngbin somehow still remembered, and- the thoughts kept running, and Youngbin couldn't stop them now.
"Okay," someone in Youngbin's body, with Youngbin's voice, but without Youngbin's permission, spoke, "I'm telling you."
"Well, I already kn-"
"I think you're really attractive."
"Oh."
Yeah. 'Oh' was alright. What the hell did Youngbin just say. It wasn't a big deal, it was true, objectively, Alex was damn attractive, but-
"Thanks. Uhm. I- didn't mean- That wasn't really what I meant, I was thinking..." Alex was blushing. Youngbin was one step away from taking off into the woods and never coming out again. "I was thinking that maybe you could tell someone you trust, as in, come out to someone. Not- I mean, thanks. D-Did that help you though?"
Nothing had ever helped Youngbin less in life than telling Alex that he thought he was attractive.
"I need you to stab me and leave my body in a ditch." Another one of these thoughts that just happened to slip out without Youngbin wanting it. Because for some reason Youngbin's body and mind were at war at all times.
"Oh, nonono, we still have a business transaction to finish. Nobody's stabbing you as long as we are still boyfriends. N-Now listen. I don't want you to come out if you don't feel comfortable with it, but if there's a person you trust that doesn't know, maybe it'd help to tell them." There was still a reddish tint in his already warmly toned face. "Or you could go around telling people you think they're hot," he then added, and a little quieter: "It's not like that offended me just now."
"Well, I've been meaning to tell my family." Youngbin now cleared his throat in an attempt to swallow the lump that made it a little harder to breathe. "I don't know if I should, though."
"You don't have to. But you can. I'd be, uh... there to support you, I guess. And Kaya too, I'm sure."
"Kaya would rip my head off if I came out." Youngbin sighed. "And then glue it back on and hug me until it pops off again."
"That's what real friends do." Alex shrugged. His friends certainly seemed like they had ripped his head off a couple of times. "I get it if you don't want to. If you think it's not a good idea then that's fine. You don't have to rush it either. Just a thought, if the secret was out, you wouldn't have to treat it like a hidden stash of drugs and feel all guilty about it."
Guilty. For some reason he hadn't even considered this just yet. He felt guilty for being the way he was. For looking at men and feeling things and thinking things and being the way a man wasn't supposed to be. He wasn't allowed to think like this, he was disgusting for even coming close to finding someone attractive, sexy even. He felt guilty for 'doing this' to other men, for being disgusting about them. It made sense. He felt guilty. How was telling someone going to fix this?
Well, he had to do it sooner or later. Maybe it'd help after all.
"I'll do it." Youngbin was almost startled by the determination in his own voice. "I'd rather tell them myself than- have them find out another way. So... Maybe you're right."
"Hey, look at you." Alex pulled his hand out of his pocket, put his arm around Youngbin's shoulder instead to pull him closer just the smallest bit. "You're gonna do great. Take the time you need. And if you can't do it-" A smile appeared on his face once more, along with that slight blush. "We can just sit down together and you can tell me all about how hot you find me."
Youngbin smiled as well. He could feel it in his cheeks, such a rare occurrence to be so aware of his own facial expressions.
"That's no news to you, though. People must tell you that all the time."
"Oh, they do." Youngbin felt a gentle rub on his shoulder. "But hearing it from my boyfriend? That's a bit better."
"Okay, I'd rather come out to my family then."
"Do what you need to do. You can text me anytime." That was the softness in Alex' voice that Youngbin so loved. A gentleness, a kind of comfort that, admittedly, Youngbin couldn't really get anywhere else. It almost eased the anxiety that had begun creeping up inside of Youngbin a little more.
His chest slowly started to tighten with every step as Youngbin set his mind on it. Tonight was going to be the right opportunity. He was most likely going to be late for dinner, and his mother would question him, and then he'd be able to say it.
And usually, Youngbin would begin planning out every conversation in his head long before they'd even happen, but not this time. Right now, his head was stuck. It went no further than "I need to tell you something".
It was stuck there when Alex and Youngbin arrived back at school, when Alex gave him another pat on the shoulder and the most encouraging smile he had ever seen, it was stuck when Youngbin got on his bike, and still stuck when his hand finally laid on the handle of his front door.
One swift movement, a couple of steps and a deep breath were all that were left before he'd go in there and say "Sorry I'm late. But I need to tell you something."