Today I Met The Girl I'm Going To M... - Chapter 23: Chapter 23

My mom arrived home from the grocery store a few minutes after Jennie and I finished rubbing sunblock all over each other.
Thankfully she didn't come back sooner or she could have ruined the moment.
For once I caught a break and I hope that pattern continues for the rest of the day.
She offered to make us something to eat but neither one of us is hungry so we told her no thanks.
Ok, ok, that's not a hundred percent true.
I am hungry.
For Jennie that is.
If I were a betting woman, I'd bet she tastes delicious.
I'm really lucky my life isn't like a comic strip because if it was and Jennie saw that thought bubble hanging over my head I'd be so screwed.
And not in a good way.
"So when did you know you liked girls?" Jennie asks completely out of nowhere.
We had been discussing our favorite TV shows before she made her inquiry.
Hers is The L Word in case you were wondering.
Actually, that's just wishful thinking on my part, her actual answer was 24.
That is another thing we have in common, I live for that show. Don't get me wrong, I'm gay, extremely gay, but there's something so intense about the way Keifer Sutherland plays Jack Bauer that I'd totally do him if I got the chance.
The character, not the actor.
Seriously, he makes me weak in the knees.
Not like Jennie of course, she's makes me weak in the knees and she also makes me weak in all the other parts of my body as well.
The sunblock incident distracts me for the umpteenth time since it happened and I can't stop myself from replaying it in my head.
Not that I'm really trying that hard mind you.
It's official, Jennie in a bikini! has been replaced.
Now it's, Jennie in a bikini caressing me in the most sensual manner possible!
Hmm, that doesn't sound as catchy but it felt fantastic!
I do believe Jennie just asked me a question about my sexuality.
That's a good sign, right?
I don't answer her, instead something else comes out of my mouth. "That's a pretty random question." I reply as I turn my head to look at her.
"Random questions are the best kind." She tells me with a smile.
Forget the Jennie-to-English dictionary, I'd settle for an Jennie decoder ring.
She's so cryptic and mysterious.
Her smile turns into a frown when I don't say anything right away. "I'm sorry. Am I getting too personal?"
I want to laugh so badly.
Hello!
I showed you my breasts!
I think we're beyond too personal now.
"No not at all." I assure her and she seems to relax. "I was just making an observation."
Jennie takes a sip of water before addressing me again. "I'm curious."
I, of course, make a joke. "You know what they say, curiosity killed the cat."
Oh pussy, pussy cat.
I do want to share myself with Jennie as I hope she shares herself with me at some point in time. I have to be honest, I want to ask Jennie about her thoughts and past but I'm avoiding those topics for now because I'm going to assume that will bring Hanbin into our conversation.
He's just not what I want to be discussing.
I even made up a little song about him.
Want to hear it?
Here it goes.
Hanbin, Hanbin go away, don't come back, ever!
I never said I had talent in the song writing department.
I turn on my side and so does Jennie. "Growing up I always felt different from my friends. It wasn't something I could ever put my finger on but when they'd fantasize about their dream wedding I never joined in. And when they started getting crushes on boys and I didn't I thought at first something was wrong with me."
Jennie nods along with my story.
"If I had to pick an exact moment I guess it would have to be when I went to sleepover camp the summer before I started high school." I continue.
"That seems like a good place. All those girls at your disposal." Jennie teases.
I shake my head, "Not exactly, it was my counselor that I became enamored with."
Jennie wiggles her eyebrows suggestively, "Ooh, an older woman, impressive."
"It wasn't like that at all." I want to also add a shut up in there but I think I say that too much. "Nothing happened, but I wanted to spend all my time with her and I got really jealous when she'd hang out with other people."
"Are you telling me you're possessive?" Jennie asks but I can tell she's not being serious.
"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying." I respond with a smile. "Once I have my eye on someone I don't let them out if my sight."
Wait.
That's sounding too accurate.
I have to move on.
"She was my first real crush and after her I noticed how much better looking girls were than guys." I finish.
Jennie chuckles, "That's a good way to put it."
I grin and if I wasn't lying down I tilt my head. "And completely true."
Jennie sits up and changes positions so she's sitting cross legged. "Did you have a lot of girlfriends in high school."
Uh oh.
Why did she have to bring that up?
It's not her fault I know, but I still don't want to talk about that part of my life.
It's going to send me to my not so happy place, which is not somewhere where I want to go.
Being around Jennie puts me in a permanent good mood and I refuse to let what happened with Soojoo bring me down.
I feel a bubble of emotion forming in my throat and I try to swallow it down but that doesn't work. I just don't get it, why does something I thought I was over keep coming up? Before I met Jennie I hadn't thought about Soojoo in so long. But since that day I've thought about her more often then I would have liked in such a short period of time.
She already broke my heart, there's not a chance I'm going to let her wreck my time with Jennie.
I'll just answer her question and leave it at that.
"Just one." I reply.
There, mission accomplished.
"Sounds intriguing." Jennie comments, ignoring or not noticing the obvious discomfort I'm in. "Were you guys together long?"
Fuck!
I'm not ready to discuss this yet.
"Almost two years." I answer.
Short and honest, let's see if Jennie drops the subject now.
She doesn't.
"What happened?" She asks quietly.
Jennie and I are supposed to be flirting, or kissing or anything else besides what we're delving into.
Hell, I'd even talk about Hanbin instead of this.
Yeah, that's how much I want to change the topic.
"Long story." I say and then I do something that I probably shouldn't but I do it anyway.
I get up and walk over to the edge of the pool. I sit down so my legs are dangling in the water as I try to figure out some way to salvage the rest of the afternoon. I know I shouldn't have just left Jennie but I don't think I can keep up the charade of everything being fine when she clearly wasn't reading the signals I was giving her.
She must think I'm some sort of whack job. I wouldn't blame her, Soojoo and I ended seven years ago and I'm still feeling the affects of that break up to this day.
How pathetic is that?
I was so naïve when it came to her. I believed we'd be together forever because she said we would and I know looking back that was completely ridiculous on my part. But that's how I truly felt and she never gave me any reason to doubt her until that night.
I can't keep my shit together around Jennie when I'm trying to impress her and in the middle of a simple conversation I bolted because I don't want to face what happened.
"So I'm going to assume I really put my foot in my mouth." Jennie remarks after she's taken a seat beside me.
No, that's my thing.
Here we go again, Jennie coming to find out why I've acted like an ass.
Why she's still hanging out with me, I'll never know.
"I probably should have thought about what I was saying more. I'm sorry Jisoo." Jennie says as we make eye contact.
No!
She shouldn't feel bad.
She didn't do anything wrong.
I grip the edge of the pool with my hands while trying to act like nothing's wrong. "It's no big deal, don't worry about it."
Jennie furrows her brow and I'm certain she doesn't believe a word I just said. "You don't have to tell me anything but if you want to, I'm a fairly good listener."
I give her a small smile before I turn back to the water before me. I don't even flinch when our bare shoulders brush against each other for a brief moment. For once I'm not consumed by everything Jennie; instead I'm taking a trip down memory lane that isn't pleasant.
Can I really open up to her?
Can I let her in to the part of me that very few people see?
I want to, it's just not as easy as it should be.
My concern is if I start telling Jennie this story I'm pretty sure I won't be able stop at the part that I do with everyone else who I've opened up to.
There aren't that many people that know but of those people, nobody knows the whole truth.
At first I didn't say anything because I was dealing with the betrayal I was going through, not to mention the humiliation also. But as more time passed and as my heart began to slowly mend itself I couldn't bring myself to repeat what I had heard.
I don't think it's healthy to blame someone else for my actions but a large part of who I am stems from that incident and our break up.
"I'm such an idiot." Jennie mutters under her breath.
And now I feel even worse.
Jennie is berating herself because of me.
Because of my issues, and that's not fair to her.
"No you're aren't." I say to make her feel better. "This is my hang up and has nothing to do with you."
Jennie refuses to let herself off the hook. "I pushed you when you clearly didn't want to be pushed."
"Jen, trust me, you aren't to blame here." I rebut. "I'm just being silly."
"It's not silly because you're upset." Jennie reaches over and puts her hand over mine. "I upset you and I'm sorry."
She's so caring.
And the look in her eyes lets me know that she truly cares about me.
Maybe that seems odd considering how long we've known one another but she makes me believe that she honestly does.
Whenever I'm down on myself about something I've done in front of her she has a knack for driving all my bad feelings away.
It makes me trust her more then I thought I could trust someone I was interested in romantically. Usually I'm so much more guarded around people but not with Jennie.
"This isn't easy for me." I confess.
What's the point in lying?
She can read me like a book.
"You don't have to tell me." Jennie replies. "We can just forget about it and go back to discussing how bad the last season of 24 was."
But here's the thing, I can't forget about it.
Clearly.
It would be so much easier if I could.
And if I really do want a shot at something real and something long term with Jennie I have to get over Soojoo.
Not in the sense that I would ever get back together with her or still harbor feelings that I haven't got ridden of. What I'm not over is the way we parted and what occurred after I caught her with another girl.
My throat closes up on me despite my decision to not hold back anymore. The words I want to say get stuck in there and then Jennie squeezes my hand again.
That gesture, her warm and understanding nature is what allows me to believe that I can do this
I let out a shaky breath as I reconnect our eyes.
I think...
I think I'll tell her everything.