Today I Met The Girl I'm Going To M... - Chapter 24: Chapter 24

My stomach tightens and even though I want to look at Jennie as I'm telling her my story, I just can't. I cast my eyes on the blue water of the pool and I don't hear anything else but the thumping of my heart.
I'm nervous.
I'm nervous and scared.
Opening up is hard, especially when I've kept this in for so long.
I know it's the right thing to do, but just because I know that doesn't make it any less difficult.
I'm not going to change my mind though, I need to do this, not only for a possibility at a future with Jennie but for myself as well.
I can't have what happened with Soojoo weighing me down any longer. I thought I had moved on but I haven't. It's time to face my past so I can release the hold it has on me.
I pick a spot in the water to concentrate on and then I begin.
"I met her the first day of my junior year." I literally ran into her and sent both of us sprawling to the ground. I apologized profusely and she accepted my apology by giving me a dazzling smile. I was enamored by her immediately so I offered to show her around seeing as she had just transferred to our school. She was an army brat and had moved around so much that she had been held back a year. So even though she was a year older than me I was overjoyed to find out we had a lot of the same classes together. "We hit it off and it wasn't long before I was hanging around her all the time."
I don't have to be looking at Jennie to know I have her full attention. I can feel her eyes on me and I can also feel an intensity radiating from her that urges me on.
"A couple of weeks after we first met we were studying in my room and I was struggling to come to terms with what I was feeling for her. I knew it went beyond friendship but at the same time I wasn't ready to admit that I was attracted to her." Despite the pain that Soojoo caused me, I can't help but smile as I recall what happened that day.
I'm lying on my stomach beside Soojoo and I'm trying to do my math homework. I'm not getting anything done though because we're lying very close together and I'm so distracted.
I've dated a few guys but none of them have made me feel even remotely close to what Soojoo does. She makes my stomach flip flop every time we touch. When she laughs, it makes me warm all over and once when we fell asleep after a late night of gabbing and I woke up snuggled up beside her, I wanted to stay that way for as long as possible.
"What did you get for number five?" Soojoo asks as she chews on the back end of her pencil.
I can't tear my eyes away from her lips, I want them on my own lips so badly and I'm scared of what that means.
Am I gay?
That's the question that's been running through my head for the last week non-stop.
Or am I confused?
Deep down I know the answer, I've know it for quite some time but I'm terrified of what being gay means.
I don't want to be different, nobody in high school really does. I don't want to stick out from the crowd, I want to be normal and so many people view homosexuality as anything but normal.
I've never gotten that message from my parents but from the outside world that message is screamed at you in so many different ways.
I get that I don't really have a choice in the matter, I can't help who I have feelings for. It still doesn't stop me from wishing I was like everybody else.
Even if I'm brave enough to admit who I really am, I don't have a clue if Soojoo would return my feelings. We've stayed clear of discussing relationships and I'm terrified that if I share this big secret with her, I'll lose her friendship.
And I couldn't bear for that to happen.
On the other hand, I feel like I have this big weight on my shoulders. There's this voice inside my head that's telling me to be true to myself and to be honest with her.
Nobody wants to be rejected though and having Soojoo reject me would, I'm certain, be devastating.
I'm so conflicted about what to do.
"Yo, Jisoo, what's going on in that mind of yours?" Soojoo inquires. She puts down her math book and turns on her side as she waits for my response. Her head is propped up my her hand and she seems very concerned by my silence.
I can't keep living this lie, I can't hold the truth inside of me any longer.
"I think..." I hope she doesn't hate me. "I think I like girls."
Soojoo's eyes widen, I'm not even breathing at this point as I brace myself for the worst.
"What do you mean like?" Soojoo gently asks. I can't read what she's thinking but that doesn't deter me from being completely honest, not when I've come this far.
"You know, like, like." I whisper. "I'm gay," I continue to ensure there's no misunderstanding. My voice sounds foreign to me, like it's not my voice and everything turns very surreal. I drop my head and my body is trembling. Thinking those words and saying them out loud are two completely different things. "And I like you." I breathe out. I can't take any of this back now, but I don't want to. Even if Soojoo hates me, I still feel relieved that I've gotten everything off my chest.
"You have no idea how happy that makes me." Soojoo replies quickly. "No idea."
I lift my head as my heart soars to new heights. "What did you just say?" I have to make sure that I've heard her correctly.
Soojoo's smiling widely and her eyes are sparkling. "Why don't I show you instead." My breath gets caught in my throat when she pushes me gently on my back and moves on top of me.
I don't have a lot of time to react before her lips are softly brushing against mine. I can't even adequately express how amazing it feels to be touching her like this. To feel her breath against my skin, to feel her mouth opening up to me.
We gently explore each other and as we continue to kiss in my bedroom, all my doubts and fears are erased.
This feels so right.
I feel like I'm flying because I've finally admitted what I've been holding in for so long.
And the fact that Soojoo likes me back makes this moment even more special.
"We kept our relationship a secret at first." She was so sweet and patient in the beginning, that's what I think made the way we ended hurt even more. "Eventually I worked up the courage to tell my parents and after they reacted well I no longer cared what anyone else thought."
Nobody really hassled Soojoo and me, except Irene of course, but even her attitude didn't bother me that much.
The pit in my stomach grows stronger as I leave my good memories and enter the part of our relationship that still causes a pang in my heart.
"Towards the end of our senior year, things between Soojoo and I changed." I hope I can get through this without crying, but I suspect I won't. "We started spending less time together and she always seemed to be working or busy with her family." I should have suspected what was going on, but I was so in love with her that I did not or could not see what was right in front of my eyes. "When I would ask her if everything was ok, she'd tell me I was worrying for nothing." God, I was so stupid. "We had made plans to backpack across Europe over the summer and she'd tell me that's the reason why we weren't spending as much time together. She wanted to put in extra hours at her job so we'd have the trip of a lifetime."
Jennie squeezes my hand, she actually hasn't let go once, and her quiet support is exactly what I need.
"I trusted Soojoo and she'd never given me a reason not to." I felt so blessed that I had such a wonderful girlfriend who my family accepted. My parents were very fond of her and they welcomed her into their lives with open arms. "As graduation got closer, I kept dropping hints to Soojoo about how much I wanted to go to prom with her. She had always taken charge in our relationship so me asking her didn't feel quite right."
My eyes start to water but I'm not going to stop.
I can't.
No matter how much I'm hurting.
"When I actually worked up the courage to find out if she wanted to go, she told me that prom really wasn't her thing." I told her I understood but I couldn't hide my disappointment. "And then one day about a week before prom she showed up at my locker holding a single long stem red rose." I remember wondering if she'd done something wrong, because she wasn't really the flower giving type of girl. It's not that she wasn't thoughtful, she was but she tended to shy away from what was deemed conventional in terms of romance. My doubts vanished though with what she did next. "She got down on one knee, and asked me to be her date for prom in front of what felt like the entire student body."
I had been very moody with her after finding out she didn't have any intention of going to prom.
I felt like such an ass when I realized she was just trying to surprise me.
"I screamed yes and I was so excited that when I lunged at her to give her a hug, I tripped over my feet and fell to the ground beside her. She pulled me off the ground and kissed my embarrassment away." A few tears begin to fall and Jennie moves a little closer to me. "I didn't even care that people were laughing, I was going to prom with the girl that I loved and nothing else seemed important."
I spent hours shopping with my mom to find the perfect dress.
I made sure it was blue because that was Soojoo's favorite color.
"The night before prom I was supposed to pick Soojoo up from work but I told her my parents wanted me at home." I blink to try and stop the flow of tears but it doesn't work. "I was actually planning to surprise her with a romantic picnic in the park. I packed up a big picnic basket and I was so excited to see her reaction. I know she really wasn't that keen to go to prom but was going for me, so I wanted to do something nice for her in return."
I use my free hand to get wipe my eyes.
Jennie hasn't said one word since I started talking but I know she's listening to me.
I'm pretty sure she can sense where my story is going.
"When I showed up at the end of her shift the store was already closed." My voice cracks as a slew of images race through my mind. "I grabbed the picnic basket from my trunk and went around back because she often kept the door unlocked. The door was slightly ajar and I heard voices inside which I found odd because Soojoo was supposed to be working by herself."
My gut told me something was off, but I ignored it.
I think some part of me knew what I was going to see before I actually did.
It's amazing how your whole world can be changed in a split second.
When I arrived at Soojoo's work, I had a girlfriend who I loved dearly, I saw a future with her and I had all these dreams for us.
But all that changed the second I pushed the door open and I saw her with Soojin.
Soojin and Soojoo had become friends a few months earlier. I thought nothing of it because I trusted my girlfriend and I wasn't the jealous type. Soojin and I didn't spend a lot of time together and now I knew why.
I went numb as I watched Soojin kiss Soojoo.
She was kissing my girlfriend.
The girl I was in love with.
Whose lips I had kissed that afternoon.
The girl who made promises and told me I was the love of her life.
Her soulmate.
I have never felt so stupid or betrayed as I did in that moment.
They didn't see me, but I saw them, I saw everything in bright shiny colors.
My head was filled with so much noise as I continued to stare at the two of them.
I couldn't move.
I tried.
But I was frozen and in shock.
My whole world, what I thought was my life was crumbling right before my eyes and my heart shattered into a million pieces.
The numbness began to fade and I had never felt such pain before.
This is the part where I usually stop, where my story ends, but having Soojoo cheat on me is not what I can't get over.
It's not what has stayed with me since that night.
"Oh Jisoo." Jennie says as she puts her arm around my shoulder.
I don't let her say another word, I don't allow myself to seek comfort from her because if I do I won't finish what needs to be finished.
Soojin begins to unbutton Soojoo's work shirt, oblivious to the fact that I'm standing by the door, taking the whole scene in.
I can't tear my eyes away from them.
I want to run.
I want to leave but my feet feel like two cement blocks.
"I'm so glad Jisoo canceled on me." Soojoo moans. Soojin nips at her neck and all I can see is her red hair as she moves to the other side of Soojoo's neck.
"Speaking of Jisoo," Soojin pulls back and wraps her arms around Soojoo's waist, my girlfriend's waist. "When are you going to tell her about us?"
"Soon, I promise." Soojoo pledges right before she gets rid of Soojin shirt. "Right after prom."
"You better mean that." Soojin replies. "I'm sick of hiding us."
"You know that you're the only one I want." Soojoo coos making me sick to my stomach. "You're the one I love."
Every word from her mouth is like a giant knife through my heart.
I thought I was the one she loved.
I thought I was the one she couldn't live without.
That's what she told me, day after day, night after night.
All lies.
Was everything she ever told me a lie?
"So why are you with her?" Soojin asks as straddles Soojoo on the empty desk.
"I don't want to hurt her, so I'll go with her to that fucking prom she won't stop rambling about and then I'll let her down gently." Soojoo explains.
I'm almost blinded by my pain.
This person I'm watching isn't the girl I've known the last two years.
Or has Soojoo been this person all along?
I've given myself completely to her, I've given her every last piece of my heart and I suddenly have the feeling that I don't know her at all.
Soojin shakes her head as she lets out a catty laugh. "I don't know what you ever saw in that girl."
Soojoo tucks a few strands of Soojin's hair behind her ears. "She's a nice girl and I've had fun with her."
Nice girl!
Fun!
Is that all I am to her?
Nice and fun?
I thought we shared so much more.
Soojin runs her finger across Soojoo's jaw line. "She may be a nice girl, but I'm the one who's going to make you scream and I'm the one who's going to fuck you so good right now."
My brain is screaming at me to run so I don't have to see anything else.
But I'm still not able to get my feet moving.
I'm not even crying, I don't think I've really processed what I'm seeing and hearing.
"It's not like I even have to worry about what happens if Jisoo finds out about us." Soojin continues as she pushes herself into Soojoo. "If she tried to fight me for you, she'd probably end up punching herself in the face."
And then they laugh.
So fucking hard.
At my expense.
At me.
And I'm almost certain this isn't the first time they've done so.
"Or maybe she'd fall on her face like she did when you asked her to prom." Soojin manages to get out and they laugh even harder. "That girl is so fucking clumsy."
My chest tightens and my throat closes as I listen to them making fun of me.
"I'm surprised you two can have sex without her landing in the hospital." Soojin says and another round of laughing starts. "She is such a loser."
I feel so utterly humiliated.
Is that what Soojoo really thinks about me?
She always told me it was cute when I'd do something klutzy.
More lies.
So many fucking lies.
"You be nice." Soojoo playfully orders.
"Make me." Soojin challenges and suddenly I'm not the topic of conversation anymore.
The pain radiates from the top of my head to the absolute tip of my toes.
I'm shaking so badly that I drop the picnic basket I've been holding all this time.
The picnic basket I thought would make Soojoo happy.
I was so fucking wrong.
About her.
About everything.
"Jisoo." Soojoo exclaims when she notices I'm there. She pushes Soojin off her and they're both out of breath.
I don't stay to hear any more lies from mouth.
I can't.
It's all too much.
I somehow manage to get home which is nothing short of a miracle but when I see my mom I break down completely.
She holds me in her arms and asks me what happened but I can't speak.
I sob well into the night and my mom stays with me the whole time.
I told my mom that I caught Soojoo with another girl, but I never went in to any details.
You should have seen her freak out on when she showed up at my house the next morning. She was screaming at her and through my tears I did smile a little at how protective she was of me.
My whole family was great actually, they rallied around me and gave me so much support. All of them kept me company that night, what would have been my prom night as we watched movies and played games.
My heart wasn't really in it, understandably, but the love I felt from my parents and my brothers made such a difference.
I didn't want to repeat any of those hurtful words even though I heard them continuously in my head. As the years passed, the words themselves weren't what stuck with me, it was their laughter.
They laughed like they were better than me.
They laughed like I was a joke.
They laughed like I was insignificant.
That's what I would hear when I even thought about dating again.
The laughter that said I wasn't good enough to keep my girlfriend.
The laughter that said I was nice not desirable.
The laughter that kept my heart so very guarded.
It would have been different if they were laughing at my hair color or something I could have changed about myself.
But they were laughing at who I was as a person.
My clumsiness can't be changed, like my sexuality, it's part of me.
It's what makes me, me, and I have accepted that.
I can laugh at myself now and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me.
When I went to college, I decided to change the way I approached girls. Sexy Jisoo was born because that's what I thought girls wanted. I had been tossed aside and ridiculed by someone I thought loved me and I wasn't going to make that mistake twice.
I projected confidence and had this whole I-get-what-I-want attitude and I've been doing that for a very long time now.
Until Jennie.
Until I met someone I feel a very strong connection to.
As much as Sexy Jisoo is actually a part of my personality and as much as I want Jennie to find me desirable, if she's going to fall for me, like I've fallen for her, I need it to be for the real me.
Not the persona I created to protect myself.
Maybe that's why I keep doing things in front of Jennie that end up with me being embarrassed.
I want her to see me for who I am.
The Jisoo that tends to fall down.
But I'm also the Jisoo that gets back up.
The Jisoo that dances around in her underwear.
The Jisoo that has a dorky side.
The Jisoo that will cry at a sappy movie.
The Jisoo that's been waiting for someone to come along who will love me, all of me, like I know I can love them.
I need Jennie to want that Jisoo more then I want her to find me attractive.
I'm not saying that attraction isn't important, of course it is, but I have to have her see the other side of me as well.
I can't change who I am, and I don't want to, despite what Soojoo thought or for anybody else.
But I still hear their laughter.
And I wonder if that will ever change.
"I'm sorry." Jennie says as she tightens her arm around my shoulder. "That must have been so hard for you."
I shrug and I'm still in a bit of daze after revealing so much to her.
Jennie has my trust and if she wants it, I'll give her my whole heart.
All of it.
I've already shown her more of me then I ever thought I'd be comfortable showing someone I have such strong feelings for.
She makes it easy for me, I don't know how exactly but she does.
"Everybody gets hurt." I say as I finally let myself be comforted by her.
"That girl is an idiot." Jennie replies strongly. "She shouldn't have said those things about you."
"She didn't know I was at the door." I sniff. "Soojin was..."
"Not Soojin." Jennie cuts in. She pulls back and I work up the nerve to look at her again. Her eyes are kind and full of compassion just like I suspected they would be.
Despite my pain, despite the faint laughter I still hear in my ear, Jennie's words touch me.
"She's not worthy of you Jisoo and I hope you realize that." Jennie continues and the hollow feeling in my chest is slowly being replaced by warmth that Jennie creates in there. "She's lucky to have been a part of your life and she's a fucking moron for not realizing what she had."
"Thanks." I whisper. I can't say more, I actually don't know what to say exactly except that word. It's what I feel, thankful that she's in my life now and thankful that I've finally told someone about what happened.
"You don't have to thank me, it's true." Jennie uses her thumb to get rid of my remaining tears and I don't feel like crying anymore. "I'm sure you didn't miss too much by not going to prom anyway."
I know she's only saying that to make me feel better, she's so thoughtful and so understanding. Jennie gets me like no one else I've ever met.
She's able to console and stop me from getting down on myself.
She's been a blessing that I am very grateful for.
"Did you have a bad time at your prom?" I ask.
Jennie rolls her eyes in that playful way I've come to adore. "Please, I was too busy being cool to care about prom."
I grin and I know she's not making fun of me. "Nobody asked you, huh?"
"Are you kidding, I had scores of invites." Jennie's grinning too. "My rock and roll image is what kept me away from prom. It would have gone against everything I believe in if I went."
I cross my arms and pretend to pout. "I can't believe you're teasing me after I've bared my soul to you."
I'm only joking around.
Jennie isn't making fun of me at all.
She's trying to make me laugh and forget about what happened.
It's working.
"That's because I'm a bad ass, and you thought I wasn't." Jennie jokes.
I tilt my head, "Please, you are not, you're such a softie." She is and I want to give her such a big hug, but I go another route. "Annie lover." I cough like I did last night and then I start giggling.
Jennie narrows her eyes at me, "Tit flasher!"
"Jennie!" I shriek making her laugh even harder. "I can't believe you just said that."
I nudge her with my shoulder and she nudges me right back.
From anyone else that comment might have bothered me.
But not from her.
Not when I see her looking at me like she does.
Not when I know she's not laughing at my expense.
She's not making fun of me behind my back.
She's just being Jennie and she's telling me that she likes this Jisoo.
The one I've showed her.
Me.
She likes me.
As I watch her kill herself laughing at her own joke something changes.
She's no longer Jennie in a bikini!
Well, she'll always be that because she looks damn fine in one.
But now she's just Jennie.
The girl I'm crazy about.
And the girl that I know I can be myself around.
"If you thought I was bad for doing that, I guess you'll be shocked at what I'm about to do." Jennie announces.
I don't even have time to question her before she pushes me into the pool and then jumps in as well.
I come up sputtering for air and she looks so proud of herself.
I forget about everything else except wiping that grin off her face. "You are in so much trouble."
Jennie squeals as I start chasing her around the pool.
Eventually we enter an epic water splashing battle that I'm determined to win.
We're screaming and laughing as we each try get the upper hand.
And that's when it hits me.
I don't hear Soojoo and Soojin's laughter anymore.
Not even faintly.
All I hear is Jennie and I laughing.
Nobody else.
Us.
Together.
Perfect.