Today I Met The Girl I'm Going To M... - Chapter 33: Chapter 33

Oh god!
Jennie's lips.
Jennie's soft lips.
Jennie's soft lips are on mine.
Oh god!
Our kiss started off hungry and fast but somewhere between the door and the couch where we are right now it slowed down.
Oh god!
I don't even know how I reached the couch without falling to the ground with Jennie on top of me.
Oh god!
One minute I was blindly moving backwards and the next minute I was being pushed onto the couch so my back is against the far armrest. Jennie's body is pressed into mine as we sensually devour each other.
Oh god!
I'm kissing Jennie!
Jennie is kissing me!
I'm pretty sure there aren't any adjectives in the English language to describe how this feels.
Fucking amazing!
That's how it feels.
We both moaned when our lips parted and we felt our tongues come into contact for the first time.
Oh god!
And now we're using those tongues to explore one another in a series of open mouth kisses with no end in sight.
One of my hands is on Jennie's neck and my other one is resting on the small of her back. Our kisses aren't desperate or hurried; they're long, wet and so fucking hot.
My body is buzzing.
My head is spinning.
And my heart is about to explode.
I'm tempted to open my eyes to look at her as we kiss, but I'm just so lost in every delicious feeling that kissing Jennie brings out that I can't.
Jennie's fingers tickle their way up my bare arm and I know she can feel the goosebumps that her touch leaves behind.
Oh god!
We're breathing heavy through our noses and even though at times I feel like I might suffocate, I don't break our kiss.
I don't want to break our connection.
I don't want to ever stop kissing Jennie.
Ever!
Jennie grinds herself into me and I moan into her mouth.
I move my hand under her shirt and when I come into contact with her smooth skin she groans.
Oh god!
If Jennie has never kissed a girl before she certainly isn't acting that way.
There's no hesitating or nervousness from her at all.
Just as I reach a point of feeling like I'm going to pass out Jennie's lips pull away from mine.
No!
Don't go!
Bring those lips...
Oh my...
I let out a guttural moan as Jennie kisses her way down to my neck.
Fuck that feels good.
So bloody good!
I'm almost gasping for air as her assault on my neck continues.
I run my fingers through her hair and that seems to spur Jennie on.
Beep!
Beep!
Beep!
Oh no!
That noise.
Is that my alarm clock going off?
This better not be a dream!
It's not until I smell smoke that I realize exactly what that noise is.
My pizza!
Shit!
Oh who cares if my place burns down as long as Jennie and I continue the best make out session of my life.
All of a sudden my contact with Jennie's body and mouth is broken.
Damn!
My eyes slowly open and I see Jennie's flushed face staring back at me. Her eyes are clouded with desire, she's panting and the way her hair is mussed, is just about the sexiest thing my eyes have been lucky enough to witness.
I'm frozen.
She's frozen.
And there's thick smoke pouring out of my oven.
Oh god!
I have two crises to deal with now.
A burning pizza and well, actually, I don't know if the aftermath of our kiss is a crisis yet.
Please don't be.
I decide it probably isn't a good idea to let my apartment go up in flames, so I run over to my oven, use my oven mitts to remove the pizza and then I throw the charred remains of it into my kitchen sink.
I'm a little bit scared that when I turn around Jennie won't be there.
But when I do, I notice that she hasn't moved from the last spot I left her.
I can still feel and smell her everywhere on my body. Those lips, those unbelievably amazing lips have left their mark on every spot they touched. I can feel the heat that they left behind all over my own lips and my neck.
She is one hell of a kisser let me tell you.
I take a step towards her and Jennie jumps up from the couch.
Uh oh!
Her eyes aren't showing arousal anymore, they're showing panic.
Uh oh!
Wild panic that I don't think I can stop.
I take another step in Jennie's direction, "Hey, Jen..."
"I have to go," she cuts in. "I really have to go."
Gah!
She can't leave, not now, not after what just happened, not when we need to talk and definitely not before I can taste her again.
"Jen, don't..." I start.
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, but I just can't," Jennie speaks over me and then she makes a move towards the door.
The door that is still open by the way.
It takes me a second to react but I manage to catch her right before she hits the hallway. I lightly grab her arm and spin her around so she's facing me.
"Please don't go," I plead. "Please."
Jennie shakes her head as she licks her lips. The same lips I was kissing not to long ago. "I have to. I'm sorry."
"Jen," I whisper before I go to cup her cheek. "Stay, please stay."
Jennie frees herself from my grasp and the panic in her eyes has changed to sheer sadness. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, stay," I try one more time.
It's no use. Her decision is already made.
This time when she walks away from me I don't stop her.
Maybe I shouldn't let her go but I can't force her to stay. I can't force her to talk to me and I'm can't make her open up if she isn't ready.
I close my door and I expect myself to burst into tears. For the briefest of moments I was in heaven and now that feeling is gone.
I should be devastated.
I should be scared.
I should be heart broken.
I should be angry.
I should be upset.
I should be all of those things, but I'm not.
Instead of crying I break out into a really big smile.
It's not a fake smile either.
I feel my grin getting wider as I walk back over to my couch and sit down.
Everything happened so fast.
One minute I was wrestling with Jennie, the next minute I was almost kissing her, then I was pushing her away and then we were actually kissing.
Boy, were we ever.
After all the anticipation on my part it actually happened.
And just like that it came to an abrupt halt.
I wonder how far things would have gone if my smoke detector didn't go off.
I'll never know but somehow I think the end result would have been the same.
I'm really not all that surprised Jennie took off. She is after all the one with a boyfriend and the one who isn't used to making out with girls like I am.
In the same way my gut told me what I was about to walk in on when I discovered Soojoo cheating on me, it also told me that Jennie wouldn't react well to us kissing.
And I'm still not upset about it.
Perhaps I'll wake up tomorrow and feel that crushing disappointment I'm supposed to feel, but for now that just isn't happening.
I don't feel burdened by the aftermath of our kiss, I feel freed.
I don't feel a heaviness in my heart, I feel light.
I don't feel rejected, I feel connected to her despite the fact that she's not sitting beside me.
I don't feel scared, I feel brave.
I don't feel any doubts, I feel self assured.
It's so clear to me now.
So obvious.
All my insecurities, all my justifiable reasons for being terrified, all my hang ups that caused me to run from Jennie are gone.
Really and truly gone.
They vanished the second my lips came in contact with hers, the second our bodies smashed together and they haven't returned.
I could be in denial or shock but I really don't think that's the case. For the first time in days my thoughts feel focused and my mind is clear.
It's not a jumbled mess but one that sees what I should have seen all along.
I don't feel down because Jennie didn't stay, I feel exhilarated by what I know now.
What I thought I knew, what I suspected when I first saw Jennie has been confirmed for me beyond a shadow of a doubt.
I know this seems crazy but it's true.
My what ifs have been changed into firm beliefs.
I firmly believe that Jennie feels what I feel. There's just no possible way she could kiss me like that, react like she did, if she didn't. The intensity, the feelings behind her actions are so transparent to me now.
I firmly believe that where I found my confidence in that kiss, Jennie found her doubts. That doesn't bother me though, it only makes me more determined.
And I firmly believe that for the rest of my life her lips are the only ones I want kissing me.
I feel so alive and so exhilarated by those beliefs.
I'm not running from Jennie anymore, I'm going to run towards her.
So much of my time since meeting Jennie has been spent examining my feelings, my issues, my past and my nagging doubts.
Sure there have been brief moments where I was able to step outside of those things as I tried to figure out where Jennie was coming from but not enough to know why she had to flee.
But all that's changed.
It changed in that kiss.
Or kisses I should say.
Maybe it had to happen like that.
Maybe my stuff had to come first so I could help Jennie with the struggles she's about to face.
And now that all those things have been dealt with I can feel my confidence growing. My confidence that I thought I had, my confidence that was a rouse to get girls to like me, my confidence that Jennie brought out in me.
She may have caused me to lack confidence in some ways but now that's not the case at all.
I showed Jennie every little part of me that I was ashamed of and she in her own way showed me that she liked those qualities.
She wasn't tolerating them, she was embracing them and that display from her is allowing me to embrace them as well.
I'm not afraid to be myself anymore because of Jennie.
Because of her kind and caring nature that I am so attracted to.
To know that you can be your true self around someone is one of the safest feelings in the world.
Jennie makes me feel so incredibly safe and protected, something I never allowed anyone else I was interested in to do. I didn't want to rely on anyone for those things so I relied on myself.
I don't have to do that anymore and that is beyond comforting.
And now, now I need to show Jennie all of those things. I need to have her trust me like I trust her. I need her to be comfortable around me enough so that she doesn't feel she has to act like someone else.
I need to figure out what makes her tick.
I need to know exactly what is going on with her and what's going on in her mind
I need to do all of those things so we can have the type of relationship I really want.
The type of relationship I know we're capable of.
I can't believe how simple it seems now.
I found everything I need in Jennie and I want her to feel that about me too.
In that kiss I found myself, the person I've wanted to be from the beginning.
And maybe that's why I was terrified of it in the first place.
Because somewhere in the back of my mind I was worried that when we kissed I wouldn't feel what I'm feeling now. I wouldn't feel the absolute conviction that I do. I wouldn't feel the power behind that kiss. I wouldn't feel how right we are for each other and how right she is for me.
I think what worried me the most though was that it was in the chase that I was after, not Jennie herself.
That's been my pattern after all.
That's what happened with Rose and so many others.
Once we got to the point where we could be together I didn't want that anymore.
Yes, my fears played a part in me running away but it was also that being with that person never lived up to my expectations.
There was always a let down, an initial high that came from being with whichever girl I was pursuing and then reality set in.
And the chance that I could have that happen after Jennie and I kissed is what made me hold off for as long as I did.
But, as I sit on my couch, hours after Jennie left, I still feel the high that kissing her brought out.
I still feel every single part of my body reacting to Jennie.
It hasn't left me for even a second.
I'm not going to have the proverbial cold shower to get rid of that high, I'm going to bask in it.
The chance that all my emotions were fleeting was beyond scary. That, I think is what would have devastated me, not her leaving but knowing that my connection to her wasn't real.
That's not even a possibility anymore.
She can run from me all she wants.
She can tell me that it was a mistake.
She can tell me that she's madly in love with Hanbin.
She can tell me that she only wants to be friends.
She can tell me that it never should have happened.
She can tell me whatever she likes but I won't believe her.
Not for one single second, because I know she'll be lying.
With every fiber of my being I'll know that.
I'll see through those lies because I know the truth.
And the truth is Jennie feels for me exactly what I feel for her.
Exactly.
I felt it in her kiss, in her lips, in her body, in every way I felt it from her.
She can run, but she can't hide.
I won't let her.
Whatever reason she had for bolting tonight, it's my job now to figure that reason out.
To give her the confidence that she's given me.
The confidence that makes me believe so strongly in us, even though there's no real us to speak of.
Yet.
Will it be easy?
No, probably not.
But maybe it's not supposed to be easy.
And that's ok.
Jennie's worth fighting for.
God is she ever.
And I'm ready for that fight.
Finally.
Will there be obstacles to overcome?
Absolutely.
The obvious being Hanbin and also that she's supposedly straight.
But I don't even see those as obstacles anymore.
They're just delays.
Delays to the inevitable.
The inevitable being Jennie and I together for the rest of our lives.
It's like the curtain that was covering my eyes has been lifted.
Lifted by her and by me dealing with my past.
As much as I wanted Jennie to be there for me when I hit the ground, I realize now that's not what I should have been thinking.
I should have felt strong enough to catch her as well.
And now I do.
If she needs me to lean on like I've leaned on her, I'll be there.
Everyday if she'll have me.
Every single day.
That's not only a vow I'm making to her, but one I'm making to myself.
Jennie needs me now and I want her to see in actions as well as words that I will be.
No matter what.
No.
Matter.
What.
She needs to believe that with her whole heart because I believe that about her.
She's already proven herself to me, over and over again.
It's my turn to prove myself to Jennie.
And I will.
I believe in myself again.
I believe in Jennie.
And most of all I believe in us.
I'm filled with so much hope about what the future holds that I don't feel at all upset that she couldn't stay to talk about what that kiss meant.
That will happen.
It's only a matter of time.
When I fell asleep last night I felt so at peace and that feeling carried me through the day on Sunday.
It carried me through my surprise visit to Jennie.
It carried me through my silent assurance to her that nothing had changed between us, when everything has.
It carried me through the conversation that we were friends and that's the way it was going to stay.
Because I'm one hundred percent sure that we're destined to be so much more than that.
So much more.
It didn't even hurt one little bit to have that conversation because I can't have Jennie trust me if she's scared of me.
Scared of what her feelings mean.
As I lie in bed on Sunday night I'm hit with an epiphany.
And it hits me so strongly I sit upright.
I know what I have to do now.
I'm willing to give Jennie all the time she needs but that doesn't mean I'm going to sit idly by either.
Not this Jisoo.
Not the Jisoo that can admit she's falling in love with Jennie.
Not the Jisoo that can admit that and feel not one morsel of fear.
If I'm not already in love with her, I'm pretty damn close.
It's so utterly amazing to be able to admit that to myself.
It's time for me to take a good hard look at myself in the mirror.
Literally.
I grip the edge of my bathroom counter as I stare at the image reflecting back at me.
I am Jisoo, a girl who has found the person she is meant to be with.
A girl who can say that and feel so sure of herself.
A girl who knows exactly what she wants.
And a girl who knows how to get that.
I want Jennie.
And I want to make her mine because I'm already hers.
Completely.
I'm practically giddy as I stare at my now smiling face.
Some people might say that going after Jennie when she's with Hanbin is wrong.
But those people don't know what I do in my mind, in my gut and in my heart.
Hanbin isn't even a factor to me anymore.
Perhaps he should be, but he isn't.
He just isn't in the equation.
I shake my head a bit as I chuckle softly.
Tomorrow brings not only a new day, but also the first day, of the rest of my life with Jennie.
And one thought runs through my head.
If pursuing Jennie is wrong, then I don't want to be right.
Forgive me father, for I am about to sin.
Because as of tomorrow, the wooing of one Jennie Kim will officially begin.