Today I Met The Girl I'm Going To M... - Chapter 42: Chapter 42

I down another drink but when I go to order my next one, the bartender cuts me off.
How dare he assume I've had too much to drink!
So what if I can't feel my legs?
So fucking what?
I can still feel my shattered heart and I'd give anything not to.
Anything.
I hear Jennie's voice saying she's done with me in my mind over and over again. The coldness of her tone and the pain it caused, makes me wish I could erase that memory. That's where the alcohol comes into play, that's what I want it to do, but it's not working.
I searched for a girl to make Jennie the furthest thing from what I'm thinking about but it was pointless exercise. Nobody I've seen has even come close to matching her beauty and I can only assume that their personality wouldn't be up to par either.
Not that I'm really looking to have a deep conversation or anything.
I just want someone who can ease the indescribable stinging sensation my fight with Jennie caused throughout my body.
But there really is only one person who can, and she's in a cab as we speak, on her way home.
On her way home to her boyfriend.
Life is so fucking unfair.
Ugh!
I really need to find Rosé because as much as I don't want to bail on her, I don't have it in me to be here in this noisy place, surrounded by people looking to have a good time. I'd rather go home, change into my comfiest pajamas and try to forget this night ever happened.
Yeah, like that's even possible.
I have to get out of here before I cry.
"Hey," Rosé shouts as she latches onto my shoulders from behind. "I've been looking all over for you."
"Sorry," I mumble. "How are things going with you and your girl?"
"So good," Rosé exclaims with a big smile. "She has moves I would love to see her do naked."
I laugh along with Rosé even though my hearts not in it.
I can't let her know what happened with Jennie because she'll end up leaving and it's not fair that she's always taking care of me. She deserves to have a fun night and that's what I'm going to give to her.
"Where's Jennie?" Rosé inquires after she orders herself another drink. I contemplate asking her to buy one for me, but I nix that idea, I really am at a point where I should stop. "I can't see her anywhere."
"She wasn't feeling well," I lie.
Not to mention that she ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped all over it.
I'm just going to leave that part out.
Rosé eyes me very suspiciously, probably because I refuse to really look at her, something I always do when I'm not being honest. "I don't believe you."
"I really appreciate your concern-you know I do-but I don't want to get into what happened right now," I reply once I make eye contact with my friend. "It sounds like you're having a blast and I'll just be a downer, go back to your girl and I'm going to head home."
I can tell Rosé wants to argue with me but I won't let her.
There's only one person I should be talking to and unfortunately for me, she's not really in a talking mood.
It's not like I'm in one, but that's not the point.
The point is Jennie left and there's a possibility she's gone from my life as well
After I assure Rosé that I'm on my way to get a cab and after I promise we'll chat in the morning, she bounces happily away and heads back to the dance floor.
I wait a few minutes until I'm confident my legs won't give out on me before I decide to go.
When I go to stand up I feel a hand come to rest on my bare knee.
I lift my head and much to my surprise I see Irene's smiling face looking back at me.
What is she doing here?
Why is she smiling?
And more importantly, why is she touching any part of my body?
"You look like you've had a rough night," Irene remarks as her hand goes higher up my leg.
Normally I'd be vomiting by the mere presence of Irene but after my non-stop dancing with Jennie and our almost kiss I'm still on fire.
I can't believe Irene is trying to pick me up.
At least I think she is.
I always thought she hated us gays.
I don't respond, instead I groan and drop my head back down until it's almost resting on the bar.
Has the world gone mad?
Because the last time I checked Irene was not into girls and she loathed me.
"I can help you feel better," Irene whispers in my ear seductively.
When did she move close enough to do that?
My body betrays me by responding to Irene's touch.
Ew!
Luckily I'm not intoxicated enough to forget who is coming onto me so I push Irene away.
I latch onto my purse and head for the door before my night can get any weirder.
I half expect to see Jennie outside waiting to apologize for acting so horribly but she isn't there and my heart breaks all over again.
I can't stand hurting this much.
It leaves me breathless.
"You don't have to be alone tonight," Irene says as she spins me around. "I will make you forget all about her."
What?
Has Irene had some sort of personality transplant?
Why is she the one trying to take me home instead of the one person I want to be with in every way?
I know the answer.
It's because life is so fucking unfair.
I covered that already.
"You have no idea how long I've waited for this moment," Irene coos.
I want to move but I don't.
I want to tell Irene to fuck right off but I stay silent.
I want Jennie but she's not here.
Irene is.
This is so wrong.
Irene leans in so her face is right by mine. "And you have no idea how good I'm going to make you feel."
I'd like to see her try.
Wait.
What?
I did not just have that horrible thought.
But I did.
Damn.
Anything is better than feeling the way Jennie made me feel when she left.
Right?
Irene captures my lips in her own.
She forces her tongue in my mouth but I don't really try to stop her.
I kiss her back.
I hate myself for it, but I do.
She wants me.
I can feel it.
Irene runs her fingers up my bare leg and under my skirt.
I let her.
She attacks my mouth in a series of scorching kisses.
I let her.
She offers to drive so we can finish what we've started.
I let her.
She almost rips my clothes off before we get inside my apartment.
Our actions are frenzied and it's not long before all our clothes are shed and we're in my bedroom.
I match the hunger she's showing me.
We ravage each other.
Well into the night.
Repeatedly.
But she doesn't make me forget about Jennie.
She's who I'm thinking about the whole time I'm with Irene.
And afterwards as well.
Right up until I fall asleep.
Was I drunk when I slept with Irene?
Yes.
Was I drunk enough that I didn't know what I was doing?
No.
I knew exactly what I was doing.
I was using her to make me feel something besides distraught.
Should I feel bad for using Irene?
Maybe.
But something tells me she knew exactly how vulnerable I was when she made her move.
Does that excuse my behavior?
Absolutely not.
I made the choice to do what I did.
I chose to act out of spite.
I chose to act irrationally instead of listening to my heart.
We always have choices and even if I want to place blame on Jennie or Irene for my behavior, I can't.
I made a gigantic mistake.
And I only have myself to blame.
It's not that I didn't remember my night with Irene when I woke up, I think it was more wishing I could take what I did back.
I remember everything.
Every last detail.
I don't like what I did and I'm not my biggest fan right now.
My disgust for having sex with someone I can't stand, and someone who has done some awful things to me and my brother, will have to be put on hold temporarily until I figure out how to get Irene out of my apartment.
I really don't have the stomach for a big drama filled scene so I'll have to tread lightly when I kick her to the curb.
It's not because I care about Irene's feelings, it's because I don't want to deal with a freak out from her.
I am certain that would not be pretty.
I need her to leave and I need to figure out what I'm going to do.
I'm not with Jennie but I feel like I cheated on her.
God, I'm an idiot.
Irene tries to pull me in for a kiss and I back away.
I can't stand the way she's looking at me.
"I have to go to the bathroom," I say to explain my actions. I quickly slip on some clothes, hopefully showing Irene as little of my body as possible.
I don't care that she saw me last night.
It's not last night anymore and I feel exposed.
Idiot!
My bathroom plan worked well until I come back to my bedroom.
Irene is waiting for me by the door in all her glory.
So not a sight I want to see.
I still can't believe we had sex.
But we did.
Idiot!
"I'm kinda tired right now..." I start.
Irene's face falls and her expression changes from lustful to angry.
Damn!
Here comes exactly what I didn't want to happen.
"I can't believe you," Irene yells as she pushes me out of my own bedroom.
Ok.
I hope she's not planning to stay in there.
Because she's so not welcome.
A few minutes later, Irene storms into my living room fully dressed.
Oh, she does not look like a happy camper.
Great.
Just fucking great!
"You're unbelievable," Irene snaps as she comes right up to me. "You're just what I expected, a user, you got me into bed and now you're tossing me aside."
Seriously?
No, really, does Irene have multiple personalities or something?
I don't care about anything but getting her out of my apartment and fast. "Look, Irene , I'm sorry if..."
"Save it, Kim," Irene cuts in. "I thought we shared something special last night but I guess I was wrong."
Shared something special?
Oh god, she cannot be for real.
"All you do is fuck girls and then get rid of them," Irene shouts as she pushes me backwards. "Do you even care about anyone's feelings besides your own?"
So, I'm thinking Irene better back the fuck off.
I'm not exactly in the right frame of mind to deal with this bullshit.
And for the record, what the hell is she even talking about?
"I can't believe I had feelings for you," Irene continues and lucky for her she stopped pushing me.
Feelings for me?
Come on, that's utterly insane.
She's insane.
Is she really trying to tell me that all those years of acting like a super bitch is because she likes me?
Man, this is so fucking messed up.
Everyone but Jennie seems to like me, and she's the only one I want.
"You're going to fucking regret this," Irene pushes me again.
She is really crossing a line now.
"I'm going to make you fucking pay so fucking much," Irene warns. "And I'm going to take that rocker girlfriend of yours down with you."
Oh no she didn't!
That's it!
I will admit I felt a twinge of guilt about Irene for a split second but not anymore.
And I don't care what she does to me, but she's not going to harm one single hair on Jennie's head.
That I can guarantee.
"Shut the fuck up!" I yell at Irene before one more word can come out her big mouth. "You are something else, Irene, something else."
I'm mad at her, myself and Jennie and I'm about to blow, big time.
"You confess to have feelings for me and yet all you've done since I met you is try and make my life hell." I'm the one pushing Irene now and it feels amazing. "Even when you were with Bobby you were always making snide comments and trying to make me feel like shit."
Irene is backed up against a wall and she has nowhere to go.
"And then when I came out you never missed an opportunity to try and make me feel bad about that." I've heard the word dyke from her more times than I care to count. "You tried to get Bobby beaten up because he dumped you for a guy, and you really expect me to just jump into your arms and say I like you back."
Yelling at Irene really is making me feel somewhat better.
Irene tries to move but I won't let her.
"You knew I was upset last night and you chose that moment to come after me." I don't understand how she ever thought this would work out. "You're pathetic, Irene, so fucking pathetic. You actually have the audacity to judge me, that's a good one."
"Shut up, Jisoo!" Irene screams but I don't care how crazed she sounds, I'm on a roll.
"Let me give you a piece of advice: if you like someone, being a horrible, cold hearted bitch, is really not the way to have them like you back." I could yell at Irene all day. "And I swear to god if you drag Jennie into this, I will make your life so fucking miserable! That I fucking guarantee."
Irene is shaking and I'm secretly rejoicing because she totally had this coming.
"You're a miserable excuse for a human being and the only thing I feel right now is disgust that I let you touch me in any way, shape or form." I take a step back after I'm done and I might just have a smile on my face.
That was very therapeutic.
And I hope Irene is...
"You're right," Irene exclaims right before she bursts into tears.
What?
No!
No tears.
Tears make me feel bad.
Tears from Irene is scarier than seeing her naked.
It makes me think she might be human after all.
"I'm so pathetic," Irene cries out as tears stream down her face.
Ah!
What is she doing?
Irene is supposed to be devoid of any emotion.
"You're right about everything, I've been just awful to you." Irene buries her face in her hands. "I'm so sorry, Jisoo, for everything, I'm just so sorry."
Irene's sobbing gets worse and I can't understand a word she's saying anymore.
A small part of me wonders if this is an act but my gut tells me it isn't.
And I can't help but feel a tiny bit responsible for what is going on.
I know, I know, it's Irene but she is obviously upset and even though she might not deserve it, I feel for her.
I guide Irene over to my couch and while I don't go to hug her, I rub my hand on her back, hopefully to calm her down.
"Are you ok?" I ask once her crying has subsided somewhat.
"How can you even talk to me after what I've done?" Irene sniffs.
Because I can't stand to see anyone in pain.
Even Irene.
I shrug. "I just want to make sure you're okay."
"God, I'm anything but ok," Irene replies as she starts crying again. "You should just kick me out."
I could do that but I won't.
"I know we've never been friends, but you can talk to me if you want to," I offer.
Maybe I'm still drunk.
Irene looks at me like I've lost my mind. "Stop being nice to me, you're making me feel even worse."
"I can slap you if you want," I joke.
Ok, it's mostly a joke.
Irene smiles for a brief second but then she turns serious. "I'm gay, Jisoo, and you're the only person I've ever said that to."
Whoa!
Whoa!
Whoa!
I mean sure she slept with me but I'm still shocked by her confession.
"I don't want to be gay," Irene whispers. "And I don't want to be different."
She seems so sad.
And it's obvious she really needs someone to talk to.
I continue to rub her back. "You can't change who you are." She looks up at me with her red, puffy eyes and my heart kinda breaks for her. "You love who you love and that isn't something you should be ashamed of."
"I wish I wasn't," Irene admits.
I can see the shame she feels written all over her face.
The shame that most people feel when they haven't come to terms with their sexuality.
It's hard to feel proud of something when you're taught from an early age that being gay is wrong.
That message comes from many different places.
It comes sometimes from parents who teach intolerance to their kids.
It comes from a society where the idea of loving someone of the same sex is often deemed immoral.
It comes from a severe lack of representation in the media. If there is representation, gay characters are often relegated to the sidekick status or they're there to be the butt of jokes or awful stereotypes. Or a character is made gay for ratings only to return to being "normal" when sweeps is over.
It comes from the fact that someone might reject you simply because of who you are as a person, even someone you've known all your life. Their opinion of you can change in an instant and once strong bonds are shattered by you being true yourself.
Even me, someone who grew up in a home with parents who I knew would love me no matter what and parents who preached tolerance and acceptance, hated the fact that I was gay at first.
I didn't want that burden placed on me, especially as a teenager when the prospect of being different or not being accepted is incredibly scary.
I struggled a lot with my sexuality before I embraced it.
I was lucky though. A lot of people aren't.
A lot of people grow up in households where being gay means you're not a part of the family anymore.
As I continue to comfort Irene, my thoughts inevitably drift back to Jennie.
Maybe she grew up that way.
Maybe she is struggling to come to terms with something she's been fighting for so long.
It's been nine years since I came out and I forget how hard it can be.
How scared I was even though I knew deep down my parents would love me no matter what, there was still that little bit of doubt in my mind before I told them.
Imagine not having that.
I can't.
I can't because I didn't but it must be awful when you can't count on your family or you have no family around to care.
I already know Jennie didn't have the best upbringing and maybe she had no one in her life to show her that being gay or loving who she loves is ok.
I could have showed her that.
I wouldn't change who I am for anything.
And despite the acceptance I received at home, I've still felt the sting of prejudice.
Of comments that people make in jest but their message is clear.
Of being threatened because someone was taught intolerance and hate.
I was lucky though, I always had my family to come back to but not everyone does.
Maybe Jennie has never been fully accepted by anyone so being gay is something she can't deal with.
Maybe that's why she's acting so hot and cold.
I know nothing justifies Jennie speaking to me like she did last night but I feel like I let her down.
I promised myself that I'd be there for her, that I'd be patient and at the first sign of trouble I went and slept with someone else.
Jennie hurt me so much that I wanted to hurt her back.
Maybe she needs me to show her the compassion I'm showing Irene, someone I, until recently, despised.
I love Jennie and I want to be someone she can rely on.
There has to be a reason she acted out like she did.
That's not who she is.
It can't be.
She's the person I trusted with my deepest, darkest secret.
She's the person that helped me accept my clumsiness and gave me the confidence I recently rediscovered.
She's the person that spent days planning a prom so I could have a night filled with so many amazing memories.
That's who Jennie is.
That's who I fell in love with.
Not the person who yelled at me, that person is not Jennie.
Maybe she's scared.
I know from experience that when you're scared you can act completely irrationally.
I'm not saying Jennie has the right to treat me like her own personal punching bag but I think my jealousy clouded my actions.
I want to be with Jennie so badly that I forgot my pledge to be patient with her.
We really need to talk.
And I need to find out why she's turned into someone I don't recognize.
"There's nothing wrong with being gay," I assure Irene.
If I had time, I'd give her my reason for why girls are amazing to be with, but I want to find Jennie.
"I should go," Irene replies. "I think I need to figure some things out."
"If you ever want to talk, you can call me," I offer.
I'm not mad at Irene anymore, I'm really not.
"Thanks," Irene says as she wipes her eyes. "I don't know why you're being so nice to me. I've done some awful things to you."
"Yeah, you have," I agree. "But I also know what it's like to be where you are right now."
Irene nods. "You're way too good a person, Jisoo, if the roles where reversed I'd be gloating or doing something worse."
"Good thing you're not me," I tease and that earns me a little grin from Irene . "I'm not saying I forgive you for everything but I understand how terrifying this must be for you so I don't really see the point of being vengeful."
"I'm not going to do anything to Jennie by the way," Irene announces. "I think my days of scheming and backstabbing are over."
I hope she's being honest, for once.
Time will tell I guess.
"I appreciate that," I reply as we both stand up. "And I'm not going to tell anyone about this conversation, if you ever decide to come out, that's your business."
"I hope you know this doesn't mean I like you," Irene smirks once we're at my front door.
"Oh no, the contempt we have for each other is mutual," I respond with just as big a smirk on my face.
I could tease Irene further, but I choose to let the issue of her having feelings for me, go.
I'm about to open my front door when I pause for a second. "Can I ask you something?" Irene gives me a quick nod. "I'm not the first girl you slept with, am I?"
Irene shakes her head but she doesn't seem bothered by my question. "No, Kim, don't flatter yourself. I didn't have my second first time with you." She moves in closer like she's about to share something big with me. "If you must know, me and Seulgi hooked up all the time in high school."
Ha!
I knew it!
I so called that!
They were always together.
We share a quick laugh but it really is time for her to leave.
"Good luck," I say and then I'm caught off guard by the hug Irene gives me.
"You too," Irene replies.
What does she mean by that?
Irene opens the door and I'm about to ask her to clarify her comment when I see the one person I don't want to see right now.
Jennie!
No!
No!
No!
Why is she here?
Hanbin must be rubbing off on her because she has incredibly bad timing.
Irene's eyes dart between Jennie and me.
Oh god!
What if she hasn't changed?
This would be the perfect opportunity for her to screw things up for me.
Jennie looks incredibly surprised and might I had not happy by Irene's presence.
Fuck!
Irene nudges my shoulder hard. "You got that, Kim?"
Uhm.
Got what exactly?
"If you even think about trying to come after the talent I've signed, I will destroy you," Irene says as she narrows her eyes at me.
I don't understand what is going on.
Irene rolls her eyes. "That's what I came over to say, so now that I have, I'll just be leaving."
Oh.
She's trying to help.
Wow!
I hope Irene being nice isn't a sign of the apocalypse.
"Get the hell out of here," I shoot back. "Now!"
I glance over at Jennie but I can't read her expression.
Irene pushes her way out the door and when Jennie can't see her, she mouths "sorry" to me.
I don't know that I'm ready for this new Irene but I'll take her over psycho Irene any day.
"Do you want to come in?" I ask Jennie once Irene is gone.
I feel so guilty.
Like I've been caught doing something wrong.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
"Did you and Irene sleep together?" Jennie's eyes are dark and her voice has that cold, hard quality from last night.
I guess she didn't believe Irene.
Oh god!
Why did she have to come over?
Actually, that's a great question.
Why is she here when she said she was done with me?
"Does that matter?" I reply a lot more defensively than I would have liked.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I shake my head as I try to swallow my guilt away. "Wait, I didn't..."
"I can't believe I came over here," Jennie remarks before I can finish. "I mean, Irene, you slept with someone like her?"
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Jennie looks me up and down with disgust. "You are unbelievable. Is that what you do, break girls in and then move on."
Whoa!
So that was harsh.
I'm trying to be understanding and patient but that hurt.
"I guess the only requirement you have for sleeping with someone is that they have breasts," Jennie continues as I remain silent.
I don't even have words.
Is it too much to ask universe that Jennie arrived five minutes later then she did.
"Forget I even came here," Jennie says as she backs away. "And I'll forget I ever met you."
She's gone before I even process what just happened.
But when I realize what took place I crumple to the floor as devastation hits me like a tidal wave.
It's only after I've shut the door that I let the tears come.
I'm not crying because of what Jennie said.
I'm crying because I think I just lost her for good.
And the only person I'm blaming for that is me.