Today I Met The Girl I'm Going To M... - Chapter 47: Chapter 47

I cannot process what I just heard.
I mean, I heard it, I understand what Hanbin said, but I cannot process the implications of his statement.
He's lying.
He has to be.
Oh god!
What if he's not?
My instincts tell me that Hanbin is speaking the truth.
I wish I didn't feel that way, but I do.
They're not a couple?
What the hell?
A few hours ago that news might have made me happy, but hearing those words from Hanbin brings me no comfort or joy.
Because it only means one thing.
Jennie lied to me.
And I can't feel good about that.
For any reason.
"Are you ok?" Hanbin asks me and I'm not sure why.
Oh.
I think I know why.
My brain is officially overloaded with information and the room is now spinning.
I shut my eyes but the spinning doesn't stop.
"Jisoo, are you ok?" Hanbin asks again.
No, I'm not.
Dumbass.
My legs suddenly feel like jelly and I frantically reach for something to hold me up.
"Shit," I hear Hanbin mutter, his voice sounding very distant.
What's his problem?
I'm the one who's about to pass out.
A rush of heat courses through my body as my legs finally give out on me.
I don't hit the floor though.
Instead, a strong pair of arms catch me.
"Easy now," Hanbin says as he carries me over to a nearby chair.
I still feel dizzy even though I'm sitting down, but not as bad as before.
Hanbin rubs my back and I want to feel grossed out by his gesture, but I actually start to feel a bit better.
I guess I can't feel grossed out by him when he's not the reason I've experienced some of the worst pain in my life.
That reason comes from only one person.
Jennie.
Oh god!
I never thought that finding out Jennie is gay would not make me happy.
Jennie is gay.
Only gay people need beards so I'm going to draw that conclusion without getting confirmation.
Jennie is gay and yet she doesn't want to be with me.
I told her I love her.
And she still rejected me.
Oh god!
I don't know what to do or how to feel anymore.
"Are you feeling any better?" Hanbin asks as I slowly open my eyes.
On the plus side, I no longer feel like I'm going to pass out.
On the negative side, Jennie is gay and she lied to me.
I lift my head up and blink a few times. "Yeah, I think so." I get my bearings first and then I turn to Hanbin.
Hanbin.
The man I viewed once upon a time as my rival.
The man who was never one to begin with.
The man I tried very hard to hate.
The man whose eyes are looking at me with a lot of concern and compassion.
The man who I realize now, I know very little about.
"Thanks," I say to him as I massage my temples.
I feel a monster of a headache coming on.
"No problem," Hanbin replies before he lets out a big sigh. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have sprung that news on you."
"Don't apologize." I study Hanbin face and he seems to wilt somewhat under my stare. "I'm sorry for barging in on you and my brother."
Ew!
I'm going to need hours and hours of shock therapy to erase that horrible memory from my mind.
Hanbin blushes as he shifts around in his chair. "I guess we should have locked the door."
Despite the gravity of what he confessed and what it means to me, I let out a genuine chuckle. "Yeah, that would be a very good idea going forward."
"I wasn't lying before," Hanbin states. His smile drops and he looks very nervous.
"That's right, he wasn't lying," Bobby shouts from inside his office.
"Shut the fuck up, Bobby," I shout back as I run my fingers through my hair.
I know I'm shouting at the wrong person but Jennie isn't around.
Why did she lie?
Why?
Why?
Why?
"I still shouldn't have said anything," Hanbin voice filters through my musings. "I uh..." He stops talking and I think it's safe to say that neither one of us knows exactly how to handle his admission.
I think back to my various encounters with Hanbin.
He was the one who asked me to watch over Jennie while he was away.
He was the one who pushed Jennie into coming over for the barbeque.
He was the one who covered Jennie and me when we fell asleep on the couch, wrapped up in each other.
I always thought he was blind to what was going on around him but maybe that's not the case at all. Maybe Hanbin saw things a lot more clearly than I gave him credit for.
"You knew I had feelings for Jennie, right?" I wearily ask.
He looks at the ground. "Yeah, I knew." He rubs the back of his neck and I can tell he's struggling with how much to reveal. "I'm sorry."
My legs are feeling stronger so I get up and start pacing around. "What do you have to be sorry for?"
He didn't lie to me, Jennie did.
"I was selfish," he confesses but I'm not following. "I thought if Jennie found someone she cared about, she wouldn't want to pretend that we're a couple."
Still not getting it.
"If you don't want to be Jennie's beard, then why are you?" I inquire because it's the only thing that makes even the littlest bit of sense to me.
Hanbin wrings his hands furiously together as I retake my seat beside him. "I've known Jennie for what feels like forever. I don't remember a time in my life when Jennie wasn't a part of it."
He looks so guilty, like he's betraying Jennie by telling me this.
If I wasn't so caught up in my own swirl of emotions I might feel the slightest bit sorry for him.
"We always got teased growing up that we'd end up married one day," Hanbin continues with a faint smile on his face. "But Jennie and I always rebuffed those comments. Once we hit puberty, we understood why we did."
I have a ton of questions I want to ask but I'm afraid if I do, Hanbin will stop revealing information I've been craving for so long.
"We came out to each other easily, no drama, no fear of rejection, but the outside world wasn't so kind to us." Hanbin features darken and the smile I thought I saw earlier is gone. "Jen and I were lucky because we had each other so it didn't seem to matter that much when we were deemed social outcasts by our classmates."
My heart that wants to scream at Jennie for lying to me starts to melt the longer Hanbin goes on.
"It wasn't the biggest deal, I mean we weren't beaten up or anything like that, we were just ignored." That seems like a big deal to me, but I refrain from making any comments. "When my parents found out from another parent about me they did not take the news well." Hanbin eyes look really sad. "My dad told me he no longer had a son and then he kicked me out of the house."
Wow.
That's harsh.
I don't understand how parents can act like that towards their own kids.
A parent's love is supposed to be unconditional, they're supposed to be the people you can count on no matter what and I can't even imagine what it must be like when they turn their back on you.
It's probably one of the worst kinds of rejection out there.
I have to break Hanbin tale with a question I'm not sure he'll even answer. "What happened when Jennie parents found out?"
I'm making a pretty big assumption, maybe they never did, but Hanbin is my only source of Jennie information seeing as the woman in question isn't giving me anything.
Hanbin ponders my query as I wait anxiously to see if he'll clam up. "Her dad took it well but he was always on the road." I feel bad for her, I can't help it but I do. "Her mom, well, she hardly paid attention to Jennie to begin with." So very bad, that doesn't mean I'm not upset and mad at her though. "So when the news broke she didn't really do anything except tell Jennie it was a phase she'd grow out of."
Is apathy the same as rejection?
I think so.
I nod my head sympathetically as I let what Hanbin telling me sink in.
"Most of the time Jennie's mom was out of town so I moved in with her after my dad kicked me out." Hanbin is making it really hard for me to keep my tough exterior up. "She never asked for anything in return and always took care of me." The affection in his voice is evident, obviously the two of them have a very strong bond. That bond however is not one I'm jealous of anymore. How can I be? "When this chance came up to help her, I said yes without hesitation. I couldn't turn my back on her when she needed me."
He still hasn't explained why Jennie needs a beard.
On the other hand, the devotion and love I feel coming from Hanbin makes it that much harder to believe Jennie is some evil, manipulative person.
Ah!
I hate being so torn between what my head is telling me and what my heart is making me feel.
"It wasn't just me I was thinking about." Hanbin cuts in to my inner debate. "I really think you can make Jennie happy and I haven't seen her happy in a long time."
No!
He has to stop.
I can't take this anymore.
I have every single right to be mad at Jennie for deceiving me and I refuse to let Hanbin explanation sway my current opinion of her.
That's the plan at least.
I decide to shift the focus away from Ms. Jennie Kim and back to Hanbin. "So, you and my brother, huh?"
I am surprised that Bobby hasn't come out yet, no pun intended, to defend Hanbin.
He must be feeling guilty for his own lies and betrayal.
That's right, dipshit, I hope he's feeling extremely bad for keeping a secret as big as this one from me.
Ass!
"Yeah," Hanbin replies with a shy smile. "He's a really great guy."
Aw!
Hanbin's kinda cute when he's blushing.
"And so hot," he gushes much to my horror.
Ew!
Bobby is my brother after all!
Hanbin's cheeks turn even rosier, I'm guessing he didn't mean to say that bit out loud.
I get up from my chair and walk over to Bobby's office. When I open the door, I'm greeted by a very ashamed looking Bobby. He's giving me his best puppy dog face, which isn't fair because he knows I can't stay mad at him after getting that look.
I try my best to appear intimidating by crossing my arms and countering his puppy dog face with my own frown combined with a pout. "So, it would seem like you have something to tell me."
Bobby kicks his feet like he's five years old. "Yeah, and I would have but..."
"I asked him not to," Hanbin says as he slides next to my brother. "He kept telling me how awful he felt for lying to you."
As he should!
I purse my lips together to prevent myself from smiling. Hanbin laces his fingers together with Bobby and even though I'm not exactly happy with my brother, I've never seen him so smitten before. "How long?"
Bobby grimaces. "We started talking a lot when Hanbin was in New York."
That's forever ago!
That long!
Gah!
"It was only talking," Bobby insists after I start scowling.
"A lot of talking," Hanbin adds as he and Bobby share a private smile.
Bobby has the goofiest expression on his face. "We met up when Hanbin came back and we've been really close ever since."
Ew!
And aw.
They're adorable together.
I clear my throat loudly to get their attention. "And you decided to come to the office today to do that?" I shudder at my own question, but seriously, it needs to be asked.
Bobby is chewing on his bottom lip like he always does when he's guilty of something. "Not exactly. I had to pick something up but when we got here, one thing led..."
"Forget I even asked," I cut him off before I can get any more grossed out. I march up to Hanbin and then squint menacingly at him. "Do you have any intention of hurting my brother?"
Hanbin gulps as he stands up straighter. "Absolutely not." I continue to give him my best stink eye to see if he'll look away. "Ma'am." He adds while maintaining eye contact.
"You better not," I warn as I poke my finger hard at Hanbin chest. "Because if you do, I'll have to break both your legs."
Hanbin looks petrified and I'm glad.
I'm not kidding, I don't take kindly to anyone who messes with Bobby.
"And you," I start as I step sideways so I'm standing directly in front of Bobby. "Are you happy?"
Bobby nods his head. "Very much."
Aw!
I'd venture to say it might be love for these two.
"I really am sorry, Jisoo. It killed me not to say anything," Bobby says and I believe him.
He helped Jennie put together that prom for me.
He was a willing and eager participant of Operation Jensoo and I've known Bobby long enough to know he wasn't being supportive simply for his own benefit.
And as much as things have gone awry with Jennie, I've spared Bobby most of the details and relied on Rose to be my voice of reason. I have no doubt that at the end of the day Bobby has my back.
"I know," I say without malice or anger. "It wasn't your secret to tell."
And that's the truth.
It was Jennie place to reveal everything, nobody else's.
"I really do need to be going," I lie. I've already decided to cancel on Rosé because I really need to be on my own. "We'll catch up later."
Bobby and Hanbin nod and I can tell they still feel bad for the position I've been put in by Jennie.
I get in my car after sending a text to Rosé letting her know that I'm not feeling well.
I'm not actually lying about not feeling well.
I'm so emotionally drained that I just want to be by myself.
I won't be able to hide what is wrong from Rosé and I don't feel up to reciting the whole story.
Hell for all I know, she's been in on Hanbin and Bobby since the beginning.
Look what Jennie has me doing!
She has me questioning the people in my life I trust the most.
Sure, Bobby wasn't open with me about Hanbin but come to think of it I never once asked him if he was seeing anyone or what was going on in his life. I was so wrapped up in pursuing Jennie that I ignored everything but her.
Who is the real Jennie Kim?
I ponder that question on my drive home.
Is she the sweet, caring and amazing person I've fallen in love with?
Or is Jennie a liar, who thinks only about herself?
She lied to my face when she called Hanbin her boyfriend.
To my face!
She made me feel guilty for chasing her because I thought she was attached and straight.
All this time, all my guessing and second guessing were for naught because she's been gay all along.
All along!
Sure, I could have just asked her up front when I first started falling for her.
But still, she must have known how I was feeling.
Right?
And let's not forget her weird reaction when she found out I was gay.
What was that all about?
Could I have handled things better on my end?
Yes.
Did I deliberately keep information from Jennie?
No.
Ok, ok, I may have been less than honest when I told her we could just be friends even though I wanted so much more than that.
It's not the same thing though.
Right?
Why is she fighting her feelings?
And why in the world did she kiss me after she told me she wasn't interested in me more than a friend?
That's what I don't get about her.
She tells me one thing, but she acts another way all together.
I wish I could ignore what Hanbin told me about her home life growing up.
Does that experience still affect her actions today?
I know my past relationship did long after we were through.
So many questions that only one person can answer.
Jennie.
I'm not in the mood to see her though, not when I have no idea how I actually feel.
I'm still in love with her, that hasn't changed but I'm hurt, confused and upset, not to mention a tad angry as well.
I'm really sick of all this thinking, analyzing, stressing out and everything else I've been doing non-stop since Jennie walked into my life.
I feel tired and drained by it all.
I hate feeling this way and I wish more than anything that things could be so much simpler than they are.
When I arrive home, guess who's there waiting by my front door?
Jennie.
She's not even getting an exclamation mark because of what she's put me through.
She was sitting on the floor outside my place but when she saw me she immediately jumped to her feet.
Wow, it certainly didn't take Hanbin long to inform Jennie that I know her secret. I'm not saying he shouldn't have, I was just commenting.
I don't think I can deal with her right now.
If I thought I saw Jennie nervous before that doesn't even compare to what she looks like as I stare at her. I know I don't look happy to see her and surprisingly she doesn't leave.
It bothers me to no end that she's able to make my heart race and ache at the same time. I have to stay strong and not let her into my already wounded heart.
I have a feeling that will be easier said than done.
I stand my ground without moving towards her. I figure the more distance there is between us the better chance I have of not weakening.
I have to laugh at myself for thinking she might be here for me, that's an absurd thought to have after she rebuffed my declaration of love.
"So, I'm guessing you rushed over here after you heard about my conversation with Hanbin," I say before she has a chance to speak.
She did get here fast considering she doesn't drive.
"I haven't spoken to Hanbin all day," Jennie replies. Her face is puzzled but I don't believe her.
Why should I?
I roll my eyes at her response but this time it's Jennie who won't let me speak.
"I couldn't sleep all night after we talked yesterday." That makes two of us! "I tried calling you this morning but you didn't answer so I just came over and decided to wait for you." No, no, no, I do not want to hear stuff like this. "I left my place so quickly I even forgot my cell phone, which made trying to reach you impossible."
She looks so cute.
Stop!
Stop it, Jisoo!
"I haven't left all day because I needed to see you," Jennie continues as I try desperately not to be sucked into her charm. "Except of course to beg one of your neighbors to use their bathroom." Jennie tries laughing to lighten the mood but I won't have any of that.
"What you did isn't funny," I spit out as my emotions start taking over.
"I know, Jisoo, I know," Jennie whispers and I'm having a hard time controlling myself. She closes the distance between us and I want to move but my feet are not cooperating. "I lied to you yesterday."
Ha!
She admits it!
Wait, that's a good thing.
Right?
"Hanbin's not my boyfriend." Ok, like I didn't know all of that already. "And while I do love him, it's only as a brother, nothing more."
I'm trembling.
Jennie brows are furrowed.
"There's only one person I'm in love with," Jennie says with an incredible amount of sincerity. "There's only one person I can't stop thinking about."
Oh god!
Make her shut up.
Please!
My eyes fill up with tears, Jennie do too.
I can barely breathe under her intense stare.
Those brown orbs of hers make me forget every lie she told me.
Every damn one.
Jennie cups my cheek in her hand as her body gets dangerously close to mine.
"Jennie, no!" I cry out as I break free from her.
After all that's happened I'm not strong enough to resist her if she says what I think she's going to say.
I dash for my front door but I can't get it open because I drop my keys on the floor. That's how bad I'm shaking.
Jennie spins me around like she did the previous night but she doesn't go to kiss me.
She searches my eyes for the reason I'm reacting so badly to her and we're both openly crying.
Not sobbing or anything like that but tears are coming from both us of all the same.
"I love you, Jisoo," Jennie says slowly and deliberately.
Oh my god!
I think I just died.
She loves me!
Me!
"I am so in love with you and I really need you to know that." Jennie voice is strained but full of love.
Love!
For me!
Jennie is in love with me!
I know I should make her answer for her actions.
I understand that we shouldn't do anything until I have.
But here's the thing about being in love, you often act irrationally, without thinking and you throw common sense out the window. When you're in love, logic and reason don't always come into play when you make decisions even when they should.
That's love.
It's not about using your brain, it's about listening to your heart.
Good or bad, right or wrong, your heart is what guides you.
And I'm going to let mine guide me now.
I have no idea if I'll understand or agree with Jennie rationale for deceiving me all this time. I'm almost one hundred percent sure I won't.
But I just don't care in this moment.
Not one bit.
I will face the consequences of my decision later because all I want to do is keep this wonderful feeling going for as long as possible
I'm in love with Jennie.
Jennie is in love with me.
That's all that should matter, even if love isn't all you need at times.
Hearing Jennie declare her love erased every other feeling from my heart and mind.
All that I've been through over these past twenty four hours don't seem that important now that I know Jennie feels exactly the same way for me that I do for her.
"God, I love you," I breathe out before I pull Jennie into my body.
I press my lips against hers and she doesn't hesitate in responding for even a split second.
I could be making a huge mistake and perhaps I am.
But as much as I needed to hear Jennie say she loves me, what I need more now, is to feel that love.
All of it.
And from the way Jennie's kissing me I'm confident that's exactly what's going to happen once I retrieve my keys from the ground where I dropped them.