Today I Met The Girl I'm Going To M... - Chapter 49: Chapter 49

She was a fast machine
She kept her motor clean
She was the best damn woman I had ever seen
Hell yeah!
Jennie is the best damn woman I've ever seen!
Naked!
I saw Jennie naked!
Go me!
She had the sightless eyes
Telling me no lies
Knockin' me out with those damn thighs
Oh man, Jennie's thighs.
Her muscular, toned, smooth as silk thighs.
They are a true work of art.
A masterpiece!
Bravo!
Taking more than her share
That was so not the case.
At all!
Had me fighting for air.
More times than I can count.
Ok, ok, I totally counted.
She told me to come but I was already there
Multiple times!
Score!
You bet Jennie's sweet ass I did!
'Cause the walls start shaking
At one point I thought we were having an earthquake.
The earth was quaking
That's what I just said.
My mind was aching
Not to mention my body!
And hers.
Jennie's naked body!
And we were makin' it and you -
Making babies that is.
Well, not quite but you get my drift.
Shook me all night long
And this morning too!
Jennie was here when I woke up.
Let me tell you she gave me the best wake up call ever!
Her lips were kissing their way all over my body.
Last night was about love.
This morning was about lust.
Once, twice, three times, lust!
Woo hoo!
You do know that nothing was resolved.
Hey!
Who the hell was that?
Anyway, as I was saying, Jennie and I spent the morning...
And unlike the song you're listening to, Jennie did lie.
I'm going to ignore that voice or I'll never finish telling you about my morning where fantastic things happened.
Repeatedly.
You know what else happened repeatedly?
Ignoring you!
Jennie lying!
Yeah.
So, that voice needs to shut the hell up or my high from all that Jennie loving will be gone completely.
Jennie's actually in the shower right now while I'm making us breakfast. I thought a lot about joining her, but we both need to eat and that won't happen if I do.
Whoa.
Wait.
Jennie's naked in my shower and I'm in the kitchen.
That is wrong.
On so many different levels.
I think I'm going to sneak in there.
Yup.
That's exactly what I'm going to do.
Damn!
I just heard the water being turned off.
Boo!
Oh well, we can eat breakfast, then each other and then have a shower.
My new plan fucking rules!
Yeah baby!
I'm not going away. You can ignore me all you want, but I won't stop talking in your ear until you and Jennie talk.
Gah!
That voice is so bloody annoying.
Annoying and right.
Zip it!
Fine!
Leave me alone and I'll talk to Jennie.
Thank you!
After breakfast.
Ha!
Bet that dumb voice didn't see that stipulation coming.
I continue making food while pretending I didn't just have an argument with myself as Jennie's favorite radio station plays in the background.
Aren't I the best girlfriend ever?
Well, I think I'm Jennie's girlfriend. I mean, we said I love you and made sweet, sweet love, so that must mean we're together.
Right?
"Breakfast is ready," I shout before I keep asking myself questions I don't have answers to.
"I'll be out in a minute," Jennie shouts back.
Aw.
She sounds so cute.
I showered before Jennie in case you think I have bad hygiene habits.
I'm not really paying attention to the radio while I set the table and ensure that everything looks perfect.
Our perfect first breakfast together.
How awesome!
But are you and Jennie together?
That is the real question.
Argh!
I'm about to smack my head to get that voice to be quiet when I drop the plate I'm holding.
...and the word on the street is, this week we're going to be introduced to the newest rock sensation. Jennie Kim...
Oh my god!
Did you hear that?
Oh my god!
...is supposed to be the next big thing and if the early buzz from her record is any indication, she will definitely live up to the hype that's already surrounding her...
"Jennie!" I scream on the top of my lungs. "Get out here right now!"
Oh my god!
They're talking about Jennie!
Oh my god!
Thankfully the plate I dropped didn't break but I wouldn't have cared if it did. This is way more important than a stupid dish.
My bedroom door flies open and a panicky, yet adorable Jennie bolts out wearing a pair of black stretchy pants and tank top I lent her.
My clothes look fantastic on Jennie.
And I'm sure they'll look even better off.
I'm such a comedian!
Except that wasn't a joke.
I'll have to remember to buy a few crop shirts so her absolutely divine abs are never hidden again.
"What's wrong?" Jennie breathlessly asks once she's in front of me. "Are you hurt? Did something happen?"
Aw!
She cares about me!
I didn't know it was possible to be this in love.
I shake my head vigorously as I jump up and down. "Listen, listen to what they're saying."
Jennie looks at me like I've lost my mind. "What who's saying? Jisoo, what's..."
I clamp my hand over Jennie's mouth and then I tilt my head towards my stereo.
...from what I hear, Jennie's first single, 'Will you be mine', is destined to hit number one...
"Oh my god!" Jennie exclaims with the biggest smile on her face.
I know!
That was my reaction.
"Oh my god!" she exclaims again. "I can't believe it. Are they talking about me?"
I giggle at how shocked she seems before I throw my arms around her. "I'm so happy for you." Jennie joins me in jumping around my kitchen. "And so damn proud."
I love having her in my arms.
"I can't believe this is happening," Jennie squeals as her grip on me tightens. "I love you."
I go to respond with an emphatic, I love you too, when I catch the next bit of what the person on the radio is saying.
...but don't get your hopes up all you single men out there. It seems Jennie is already taken...
I stop moving completely and so does Jennie.
...the pictures that have been circulating since yesterday leave no room for doubt that Jennie is very happy with her high school sweetheart. And let me tell you he is one fine looking guy. It seems Ms. Jennie is very lucky in love...
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks.
On my head!
My arms fall to the side and when I take a step back I can't bring myself to look Jennie in the eye.
...well, I guess we'll have to wait a few more days until we hear from the woman herself. If I didn't have a steady boyfriend myself I might be jealous of Jennie and her guy, the perfect couple...
The perfect couple!
The perfect couple!
The perfect couple!
They aren't even a couple, you moronic radio person!
Jennie's mine!
Jennie shuts off the stereo but the damage is already done.
When I lift my head up the sheepish expression on Jennie's face is more than I can handle.
"You lied to me," I spit out. "You lied to me over and over again, how could you?"
I bark out my accusation and lose any semblance of control I thought I had.
I guess we're finally going to talk.
But something tells me the talking might not be as calm as I would like.
Jennie stands there without saying a word.
Typical!
She's gone mute.
"I trusted you, Jennie." I feel every ounce of betrayal I thought I was over when Jennie told me she loved me. "I told you something nobody else knows and you kept everything about yourself a big secret."
My voice cracks but I'm not going to cry.
I'm too angry to let my tears go.
"Why did you lie?" I ask but Jennie remains stoic and silent. "Answer me, god damn it!"
I should probably count to ten in my head or I'm going to lose it completely.
Jennie looks like she'd rather be any place but here with me. "I'm sorry."
Ah!
She speaks!
"I don't want an apology," I snap. "I want an explanation."
Ok, ok, I do want an apology but I want to know what the hell she was thinking first.
"When you told me you loved me I freaked out..." Jennie starts.
"Not about Friday," I say quickly. "You've been lying to me since we first met."
Jennie is clearly uncomfortable with my line of questioning. "I...uh...I didn't know..."
I hate seeing her upset but I can't save her.
She needs to start opening up if there's a chance for us.
"I don't know what to say," Jennie squeaks out as she pulls her eyes away from mine.
"You can start by explaining to me why you're using Hanbin for your beard." Jennie's head snaps back up and she seems surprised by my statement.
Oh right.
She doesn't know about my conversation with Hanbin.
Her fake boyfriend!
The perfect couple!
"I had the unfortunate privilege of walking in on Hanbin and my brother in a very compromising position," I explain as I shudder.
Ew!
Ew!
Ew!
"I was about to kick his ass for hurting you but apparently you can't hurt someone if you're not really their boyfriend." I have to admit, even though I'm not a fan of ranting, it does feel kind of good to get this off my chest. "Hanbin had no choice but to come clean or he would have been in a world of pain."
Wait.
Am I actually standing up for Hanbin?
I never thought I'd see the day that happened.
"So, I'll ask you again, why did you lie to me?" She has no choice but to give me answers now.
I hope.
"I had to lie," Jennie replies quietly and she looks ashamed.
Yeah.
That's right!
She should be ashamed of herself.
I roll my eyes because that's not an explanation. "Why?"
"It's complicated," Jennie says as cryptically as ever.
"If you aren't going to be honest I see no point in continuing this discussion," I tell her firmly. I won't be sucked in to her brown eyes that are oozing with regret and sorrow. "Or us for that matter."
Is there even an us?
It's not looking good.
That's for sure.
My threat has the desired affect because it's caught Jennie's attention. I wish it didn't have to come down to that though.
"No, wait," Jennie calls out after I've turned around. "My record label doesn't want me to be gay."
I slowly turn back to face Jennie and I'm caught off guard when I see that she's crying. "What do you mean by that?" I ask without comforting her.
I can't.
If I do, I risk not getting to the bottom of her story.
"They refused to sign me unless I could convince them I was straight," Jennie continues as she hugs her arms to her body. "So I asked Hanbin to help me convince them."
Ok.
Things are starting to make a bit more sense.
"Why didn't you tell me?" I inquire gently.
There's no point in going off on her right when she's letting me in.
"I couldn't," Jennie says as she wipes her eyes. "I couldn't tell anyone and risk my secret getting out. I wanted to tell you, I did, but I didn't know how."
"So lying to me was a better option," I reply with a bit more anger in my voice.
"I didn't lie until yesterday," Jennie whispers. "I never told you he was my boyfriend."
Oh.
Hell no!
She's not even going to try that with me.
"Are you crazy?" I don't even feel bad that's crying anymore. "You knew what I thought, you had to know, and you're going to stand here..."
"You're right," Jennie cuts in. "I did know but we were just friends, so I didn't think it mattered if Hanbin was my boyfriend or not."
Maybe I should tell Jennie she should brush up on her truth telling abilities because right now she sucks at it.
"This is coming out all wrong," Jennie mutters under her breath.
"Yeah, it is," I concur. "Very wrong."
I can feel myself succumbing to my anger.
"Fine, if you aren't going to give me any answers at least tell me one thing," I start as I cross my arms. "After last night and this morning, you aren't going to pretend Hanbin's your boyfriend anymore, right?"
That should be an easy question for Jennie to answer.
When she says that she isn't we can build from there.
Small steps.
I'm ok with that.
"I have to, Jis," Jennie replies making me grit my teeth. "It doesn't mean anything because he's not, but I have to."
So.
Yeah.
I hear a buzzer go off in my head.
Wrong answer!
"You don't have to do anything," I fire back. "And I can't believe you'd even want to after everything you've already put me through."
"It's not real," Jennie protests. "Why should it matter?"
Seriously?
Maybe she is crazy.
Like, institution crazy.
"Because it's lying, Jen, or don't you even know the difference anymore?" I sarcastically reply. "Have you considered what that would mean to me?"
Hello!
I want to smack her upside her head.
"It's not a big deal," Jennie says but I can tell even she doesn't believe that sentence.
"Yes, it is," I stand my ground. "It's a big deal because you're letting a record company decide who you love."
Jennie shakes her head as more tears fall. "I decide who I love."
"Then just decide!" I scream like a mad woman.
We're going around in circles and not getting anywhere.
I pull myself together and decide to try a different approach.
One that doesn't involve yelling or accusations.
I walk over to Jennie and take both her hands in mine. "Look, I didn't mean to go off like that but I'm frustrated and upset." I grip her hands firmly and wait for Jennie to look up. "It's time for the lying to stop."
"You don't understand," Jennie says softly.
"Then explain it to me, Jen," I whisper. "You can trust me, just let me in, please." I pry one of my hands out of hers and stroke the side of her face. "Please."
"You don't know how many times I wanted to tell you," Jennie begins with a trembling voice. "When I found out that first night that you were gay too, I panicked because I thought for sure you'd be able to tell that I was as well."
Ah.
My new approach is working.
"I felt drawn to you immediately and I tried to ignore my feelings," she continues and I just listen. "I fooled myself into believing I could just be friends with you even though I wanted more."
Keep talking, just keep talking.
I have to encourage her silently or she might stop.
"You were so easy to be around and it scared me." Jennie's voice is barely above a whisper. "I wanted to be strong and stay away but I couldn't. Then I wasn't even convinced someone as amazing as you would even look twice at me."
Huh?
She must be off her rocker.
How could she even think that?
"After you told me about Irene all I wanted to do was protect you and beat the crap out of her." I smile at the sweetness of her sentiment but I keep my mouth shut. "I gave you a prom because you deserved it and when we danced I knew that I wasn't the only one feeling something more than friendship."
Interesting.
I had the exact same epiphany at the exact same time.
"But you kept pulling back like I was and I didn't know why." Jennie and I are both getting teary eyed again. "I thought it was because you could see beneath the surface and see what a mess I am."
Oh no!
I never thought she'd think something like that!
"You're not a mess," I interject. "You're the kindest person I know."
Jennie refuses to believe me. "No, I'm not," she argues. "I always screw things up and this is no different."
Aw!
How can she think that?
Ok, ok, she did lie but she's not a screw up.
She just handled things wrong.
Like I did.
I should have been honest about my feelings sooner.
"I tried so many times to stay away because I knew I couldn't be with you." Jennie's talking again, I should pay attention. "I tried but I've never been in love before and I just couldn't."
Aw!
Could she make me swoon anymore?
Wait.
What?
"What do you mean you can't be with me?" I ask in as calm a tone as possible.
"I can't be with you openly," Jennie explains but her explanation does not sit well with me.
"So, you declared your love for me knowing that you weren't going to give us a chance?" I let go of Jennie as my blood pressure rises. "You shouldn't have done that."
"I couldn't keep it in any longer," Jennie replies thinking that's the right thing to say.
It so isn't!
Poor baby!
Not!
"You deserved to know the truth," Jennie tries to grab my hands but I won't let her. "And I didn't want to lie to you anymore."
"But you want to be with me in secret, right?" I bitterly ask.
Jennie doesn't seem to get my point. "It's not like that, but I have to pretend to be with Hanbin."
"You are unbelievable," I exclaim as I throw my arms up in the air. "You really are. I won't lie, Jennie, I'm sorry, but I won't. We started on a lie and I refuse to continue on one."
I'm not wrong.
And I'm not going back in the closet.
For Jennie.
Or anyone.
It's not a fun place to be.
"Aren't you tired of hiding who you are?" I start to pace around because her lack of insight on this matter is slightly disturbing.
"I'll lose my deal if I don't," Jennie says like that should make me understand where she's coming from.
"So, you'd rather have fame and fortune than be true to yourself." I fire back as I keep walking around.
"It's not like that," Jennie snaps back. How dare she think she has the right to be mad. "My music is the only connection I have to my dad, if I lose my deal it'll be like losing him all over again."
Ah, she's playing the dead daddy card.
Nice try but it won't work.
"You think he'd want you to build your career on a lie?" I question her because I know the answer. I've heard enough stories about her father to know he wouldn't
"Shut up, Jisoo," Jennie clearly knows the answer as well.
I think it's time to take the gloves off.
"No, I won't," I tell her once I stop moving. "He hated people who were fake, you told me that. That's one of the reasons why he didn't want you going into the music business even though you wouldn't be swayed. And you're willing to be one of those people just so you won't lose your precious deal."
"Shut up!" Jennie shouts and I don't care that I'm hurting her.
She needs a dose reality.
A big one.
"And what about Hanbin?" I ask her. "Have you thought about what you're asking of him? The kind of position you're putting him in?"
Jennie's sobbing now.
But I keep going.
"He's willing to hide his relationship with my brother because of you, because he's loyal to you," I continue and I'm surprised that I haven't started to cry again. "He'd do anything for you Jennie except tell you how much your lies are affecting his life."
Jennie keeps shaking her head as I rant on.
"You're going to build your whole career on a lie." I stand right in front of Jennie and force her to look at me. "What kind of career is that to have? All your fans, everyone will be lied to because you're too much of a coward to stand up to your record company."
"You don't know what you're talking about," Jennie replies as her crying gets worse.
"Oh, I think I do." And then a light bulb goes off in my head. "You fought with him when he came back from New York, didn't you?" Jennie doesn't respond but I know I'm right. "He told you about Bobby and that made you panic, right?"
I can be such a dumbass at times.
Not now.
I see everything clearly.
"Nobody can force you to do anything you don't want to do," I say coldly. "Maybe you never had any intention of being in a relationship with me."
"That's not true!" Jennie cries out. "I love you, Jisoo, I really do."
"The problem is I don't know if I believe you anymore," I reply solemnly. "You've lied about everything else, why should I believe you now?"
"Because it's true," Jennie says as she goes to kiss me.
"No, you can't kiss me and expect me to forget everything," I say as I step back from her.
Jennie's shoulders sag and she sighs loudly. "If I come out, there's a clause in my contract that makes it null and void."
"So, you can sign with someone else." I say and I'm not getting why she didn't think of that herself.
"Who's going to sign a struggling gay artist," Jennie scoffs. "They're not exactly a hot commodity. I've worked my whole life for this; I can't just give it up."
"But you're willing to give me up just like that," I counter as I snap my fingers.
Oh.
She didn't see that one coming.
Good!
"I don't want to give you up," Jennie says sincerely. "Why can't we just stay low key for a while?"
"And how long is a while exactly?" I ask even though the question is rhetorical. "I don't want to sneak around with you, I don't want to pretend to be your friend in public, I don't want to make my family lie because you're scared."
"It wouldn't be like that," Jennie retorts and I swear I'm talking to a brick wall.
"Yes, it would," I state matter-of-factly. "Every time you go out to promote something, it would be Hanbin on your arm, not me. Every time you win an award, he'll get to celebrate with you in the moment, not me. Every time we're together, I couldn't hold your hand or kiss you because heaven forbid someone with a camera is around."
Jennie runs her fingers through her hair. "But I wouldn't really be with him, it wouldn't mean anything."
"Who cares!" I almost shriek. "You saw me dancing with another woman and you went off on me because you were jealous, it didn't mean anything but to you it did. This means something to me."
My resolve not to cry starts to falter as I picture my life in the closet with Jennie.
I love her but I can't live like that.
"I'm proud of you, and I don't want to hide from the world." I get closer to Jennie to emphasize my point. "There's nothing wrong with being gay, Jennie, and I wish you had more people in your life who showed you that. The love I feel for you is nothing to be ashamed of and I can't be part of lie that promotes that theory."
"Jisoo, please, can't you see it from my side of things?" Jennie whispers as she wraps her arms around me. "They told me if I void the contract they'd make it so nobody else in the business would give me the time of day. I'd lose everything."
I press my forehead against Jennie's and look deep into her eyes. "You'd still have me."
"And what if we didn't work out?" Jennie whispers. "Then I'm left with nothing."
"So you're already giving up on us before we even begin." I shake my head as my tears blur my vision. "That's good to know."
"I'm not giving up, I'm being realistic," Jennie says making me cringe. "Let's just try and see what happens."
I move my head from side to side. "No, it already hurts so much that you're willing to hide me."
"Stop saying that," Jennie snaps. "This issue isn't black or white, it's not."
"Yes, it is." I step out of Jennie's embrace as my dreams for our future go out the window. "Either you love me enough to be with me, or you don't."
Maybe I'm not being fair.
But Jennie isn't being fair to me.
Enough is enough.
I think I cut Jennie a lot of slack when I found out about her and Hanbin.
But I can only bend so much until I break.
I was willing to forgive her lies but she's asking me to continue the cycle of dishonesty.
That's not who I am.
I won't change who I am for Jennie.
No matter how much I love her.
"You didn't grow up like I did," Jennie points out. "I never had a support system like you had so all I'm asking you to do is understand why this isn't easy for me."
I don't know if having last night and this morning with Jennie is worse than not having her at all.
Because let me tell you, there's a huge part of me in this moment that wishes I didn't.
That what's to come would be a heck of a lot easier if I didn't experience the bliss I felt with Jennie.
"It shouldn't be hard," I whisper as my whole body shakes. "You can't use that excuse because you don't want to do what's right, what you know is right."
Jennie goes to respond but I'm not done.
I have to get this next part out before I'm a blubbering mess.
"You have the opportunity right now to do the right thing." I wipe my face with the back of my hand. "I'll help you find another deal, Jen, my dad will help you, we all will but you have to take the first step and stop lying, that's all I'm asking you to do. Sometimes you have to take a chance, take a big risk even if you're afraid."
Jennie shakes her head giving me her answer. "I'm sorry, I can't."
My heart breaks because this is really it. "Well, I can't either."
Even though Jennie is at my place I need to leave.
I turn around, grab my keys and head out the door before I change my mind.
Jennie doesn't chase after me and my heart breaks all over again.
I don't know where I'm going but I know Jennie isn't going with me.
Something I guess I'm going to have to get used to.
No matter how much pain I'm in.