Trinkets - Chapter 36: Chapter 36

The words 'I want to tell everyone about us' are still ringing in Amoli's ears when they're having breakfast later, and she can't bring herself to fully focus on anything because of it.
Mahika has shifted her chair closer to Sakshi so she can rest her head on her shoulder, legs pulled up and shirt siding over one shoulder to reveal the dainty dip of her collarbone as she scrolls through her phone, absentmindedly nibbling on an apple slice.
Her hair is sticking out in places from the messy bun she's put it up in, and Amoli feels that familiar itch under her skin again; the yearning to just be closer, closer, closer. She doesn't know why she didn't take this into consideration before — that it would only get harder to keep her distance once she gets a taste of the proximity, that once she gets to trace the curve of her waist, she might not be able to keep her hands to herself.
Amoli thinks about the day they went to the farm in Gaigar, and when Mahika fell asleep on her shoulder on their way back. Thinks about how it had felt back then to have Naina's knowing gaze on them in the rearview mirror; the panic, the fear, the desperation. The relief when Naina had given her the soundless acceptance that Amoli had never expected from anyone.
Thinks about what it would feel like to tell everyone else.
"Oh, wow," Mahika murmurs, breaking Amoli out of her daze. "Remember that guy from my Illustration class that did the mural outside our library?" Sakshi hums, turning her face a little to look at Mahika's phone when she holds it up. "He's getting married."
"No way," Keerti calls from the kitchen, and when she walks out to join everyone at the table, Amoli thinks she looks much more relaxed than she did a couple minutes ago. The mug of coffee between her hands may have something to do with it. "I remember him... Abish? Avnish? Something —"
"Aneesh?" Sakshi offers with an amused smile.
"Right. Him." Keerti snaps her fingers. "I remember him."
Sakshi breathes out a laugh through her nose, shaking her head even as she continues to look through the pictures Mahika is flipping through on her phone. "Sure you do."
"I do!" Keerti defends, pulling back the chair beside Amoli and plopping down on it. "I'm just... kinda bad at names. You know this."
"Mhm."
"Besides, how can I forget the guy when he followed Mahi around like a puppy?"
Amoli's fork pauses on her bowl of fruit. When she looks up, Mahika's face is scrunched up in an expression so sour, you'd think she ate something bad.
"Don't make that face. It's about time we acknowledged how many admirers you have in Uni." Amoli doesn't know what kind of face Keerti is making, because she's too busy taking in Mahika's reaction.
"You're delusional," she says with a scoff, and before Keerti can add anything else, Mahika lets her eyes rest over Amoli's face for a split second before they slide away. "Besides," she adds, the corners of her lips pulling back in the slightest like she's enjoying a private joke, and Amoli feels the nape of her neck heat up, "I'm not interested. So does it really matter?"
Sakshi hums, absentmindedly smoothing strands of hair off Mahika's cheek, tucking them behind Mahika's ear with her index finger. "I think it's more of a nuisance than anything when you don't really care, honestly."
"Exactly," Mahika echoes.
Keerti sets her mug down on the table and leans forward, chin tucked between her palms. "Is there a specific reason why you never date?" Amoli watches Mahika regard Keerti blankly over her phone. "I'm not trying to be nosy, I swear. I'm just curious. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."
"Uhm." Mahika blinks, absently scratching under her knee. Amoli has a feeling that Mahika is now looking anywhere but at her on purpose. "I just... haven't really met any guys I'd be into, I guess."
Amoli digs her nails into her thigh and bites her tongue so she wouldn't burst out laughing —
"Makes sense." Keerti traces the rim of her mug with the tip of her index finger. "'Cause there's this guy in my class that asked about you."
— and suddenly Amoli is digging her nails into her skin for an entirely different reason.
Mahika sets her phone down on the table and straightens up so she can stretch her arms above her head. "You guys talk about all these people and I never even know who they are." Then she wrinkles her nose a bit. "Isn't it kind of creepy, too? I don't know. I find it kinda weird."
Sakshi and Keerti share a look
"What." Mahika raises her eyebrows at them.
"You're not that easy to approach," Sakshi says after a beat, and Amen to that, Amoli thinks without a single trace of amusement, absently pushing a few grapes around on her bowl.
Keerti laughs into her coffee. "Yeah, 'not that easy to approach' is one way to put it."
"I actually find it kind of entertaining when people ask us and then falter the second we tell them to just talk to you directly about your relationship status," Sakshi giggles. "Because they never do."
"Oh, well," Mahika mumbles. "One less problem to deal with."
It's not Mahika's detachment to the subject that surprises Amoli, but the bitter undertone instead. Amoli watches her face in hopes that Mahika's expression would give away the answer, but she finds nothing.
"A few weeks ago, one of my classmates had a kid," Sakshi says, and Amoli wonders if she wasn't the only one that noticed the mild switch in Mahika's mood and decided to change the subject. "Like, I know everyone's moving at their own pace but we're all just? In such different places in life." Sakshi shakes her head like she can't quite believe it still. "A kid. Everyone's just moving so much faster."
"You're twenty-three," Keerti deadpans. "I think your pace is fine."
Sakshi rolls her eyes. "I'm not saying I should have a kid, I'm just saying it's kind of crazy that people are at that point in their lives where they're like, 'I'm definitely ready to raise a whole other human being aside from my own self' while I'm just... I don't know. I run on three hours of sleep and have one slice of bread and half a cup of coffee per day."
Mahika makes a noise of disbelief in the back of her throat. "No, seriously, sometimes I remember how my mom had me when she was barely twenty-one and this fuse just goes out in my brain."
Keerti leans back in surprise. "How did she balance college and a kid?"
"She had to take a break," Mahika mutters, tearing the edges of her toast off. "At least until I was like, four. I don't remember much, but I know she took me to class with her on days when Naina's mom was busy because she didn't trust anyone in the house to look after me properly." The corners of her lips pull back in some semblance of a fond smile. "She says I was so quiet the professors never minded."
The only thing Amoli knows about Mahika's mother is that she's the most important person in Mahika's life. So when Mahika had said 'you should meet my mom', Amoli had panicked.
But the more Mahika talks about her, the less panicked Amoli feels.
"Man, it's going to be so cool to have her back here for good," Keerti says.
Sakshi hums in agreement. "Right?" Then she knocks her head lightly against Mahika's and puts it on her shoulder with a sigh. "When I slowly start bringing my stuff over and just move in with you, don't be surprised, okay?"
Mahika reaches over and pats Sakshi on the cheek. "I love you, I really do, but I'm not sharing my mom with more people," she says jokingly. "Naina and Dhruv already hoard her attention. I've had enough."
"So selfish," Sakshi mumbles with a pout in Keerti's direction.
"My mom, my rules."
Amoli shakes her head in amusement and picks up her bowl to put it in the sink. She can feel Mahika's eyes following her until she rounds the table.
In the kitchen, she can feel the words I want to tell everyone about us like a physical weight on her chest. She knows Mahika didn't say them to stress her out, or prod her out of the closet.
Mahika wouldn't do that. Amoli knows she wouldn't. And that's kind of the dilemma, isn't it? If Amoli needed forever, Mahika would just give it to her. No questions asked.
But... she doesn't want forever. She wants to stop feeling like she's been selfish about this since the start. She wants to stop feeling like she's the reason why Mahika feels the need to hide things from her friends. She wants to stop overthinking things and just be able to kiss Mahika's forehead in greeting like she wanted to this morning when they were setting up the dining table.
And the most ridiculous part is that she could have done that without worrying about Keerti and Sakshi finding it weird or out of place, but she didn't.
Hell, didn't Mahika say Sakshi found them sleeping on the couch together the other night? She hasn't said a word about it and still —
"Hey."
Amoli startles and the bowl slips out of her hold and clatters in the sink. "Shit —" She quickly picks it back up, and sighs in relief when she doesn't find it cracked. "You scared me," she sighs, putting the bowl back down carefully and turning around to face Mahika with her hands resting on the counter behind her.
"Payback for yesterday." Mahika grins cheekily at the half-hearted glare Amoli throws her way. When Amoli doesn't smile back, she walks closer and puts her own plate aside. "Is something wrong?"
"No," Amoli mumbles, but she can't help ducking her head a little to hide the expression on her face.
Mahika sets a finger on her chin and tips her face back up. "No?" Amoli's eyes quickly dart to the door against her wishes, and Mahika notices. Of course, she notices. "Keerti's taking a shower and Sak's outside on her phone."
Amoli's mouth twists in shame when Mahika steps away, fingers immediately seeking her wrists to stop her. "No, that's — no." When she looks up, Mahika doesn't look upset. Just worried. Amoli sags against the edge of the counter a little and averts her eyes, the words leaving her in a weak mumble before she can hold them back. "Don't go."
"I'm not going anywhere." Mahika slips her wrists out of her hold and brings their hands together. "You were really quiet during breakfast."
Amoli stares at their hands; fingers interlaced and palms pressed together, and thinks there must be something sacred about this moment of intimacy.
"I was just thinking," she replies quietly.
"Was it about something I said?"
Amoli looks up then, a little surprised, and maybe the question Since when do you know how to read me so well? reflects in her eyes, because a slow smile takes over Mahika's face — like a sunrise over a mountaintop.
"We're both overthinkers," Mahika murmurs. "It's not that hard to tell."
"Are you saying I can't hide anything from you now?"
Mahika's smile turns a little wry, but the glimmer in her eyes stays the same. So does the softness in her gaze. "I'd prefer it if you didn't."
Amoli breathes out a little laugh at that, but it comes out a bit strangled from the knot in her throat. "Took me two years to learn that lesson," she whispers, hating how quickly the sting in her chest makes its way to her eyes.
Mahika searches her face for a few silent seconds, and Amoli doesn't know what she finds there, but it makes Mahika tug at her hand. "Come with me."
At this point, Amoli would go anywhere Mahika asked without asking any questions.
For now, Mahika just directs Amoli to her room and takes hold of her shoulders once the door shuts behind them, and lowers her until Amoli is sitting on the desk chair.
"I'm not willing to spend another two years pretending that I don't want to know what goes on inside your head," she says light-heartedly, kneeling before Amoli to take her hands between her own again. Amoli lets out another short laugh despite the sheen of tears in her eyes. "So tell me," Mahika says, looking up at her so earnestly, Amoli feels her throat close up with emotion. "So we can make it go away."
When Amoli continues to stare at their joined hands again, at a loss for words, Mahika scoots forward and puts her chin on Amoli's knee. "If you don't want to meet my mom, then don't. Do you have to cry about it?"
Amoli laughs again, and the sound comes out easier somehow. She shakes her head. "Shut up. You know that's not it."
"Aha, so there is something."
"That's not —"
"I will listen."
Amoli lowers her head and laughs again. "Mahi, I know you will, I just —"
"And I won't interrupt you even once."
Amoli leans back in the chair and stares down at Mahika in faux exasperation.
"I'm the older one. So I'm wiser, too. Sometimes," Mahika continues, the corners of her lips twitching when Amoli rolls her eyes. "Tell me your woes."
"Are you done?"
"I mean, I can keep going."
"Please don't."
"Fine. Whatever. I'll keep my wisdom." Amoli jokingly wrinkles her nose at her playfulness, but it obviously fails to express her distaste because Mahika quickly reaches out and pinches it. "Got your nose."
Amoli swats her hand away and bursts out laughing. "That's so creepy."
Mahika just leans back on her palms and regards her smugly. "It made you laugh."
Amoli opens her mouth for a counter but finds herself at a loss for words yet again, settling with a shake of her head instead.
She's just filled with more affection than she knows how to handle, the emotion growing within her with such intensity that it threatens to burst any second now. Her fingers itch to reach out, to touch, to hold, in hopes that she might be able to share her overflowing heart with Mahika but she doesn't know how and her lips part like the adoration demands to spilled over somehow but all that comes out is —
"I want to tell everyone about you."
And... there's that. That's one way to convey how she feels right now.
Mahika's smile drops in favor of her lips parting in a silent gasp instead.
"I just. Can't stop thinking about what you said earlier," Amoli continues, suddenly so, so much aware of her surroundings — the way the sunlight filters through the curtains, the sound of the birds outside, the touch of the breeze on her skin through the window. "I have all these scenarios inside my head and the idea terrifies me even though we're surrounded by all these great people that have given me no reason to be afraid of rejection, but I just..."
"You just what?" Mahika whispers, slowly sitting up straighter.
Amoli's mind flashes like a siren with the words discrimination and rejection and isolation and apprehension and fear and guilt and she shakes her head like it would bring back the silence, clenches her fists in her lap, and says,
"Just wanna do it anyway."