Tyed - Chapter 13: Chapter 13

When Tyler wakes up, it's because something small is softly thrown in his direction and it's making a lot of noise. He registers that it's the sound of his ringtone, and reaches for it, grabbing with vague and tired fingers. He's much more comfortable than he usually is, which makes it difficult to gather the energy to move.
He stretches, opening his eyes to find he's still in Colby's room. He smiles, looking over and finding Colby sitting on the end of the bed; his smile grows. Colby's shirtless, and Tyler's eyes rake over his chest. He's got muscles without a lot of muscular definition, which Tyler finds more attractive then he expected, with a light trail of chest hair that Tyler's eyes follow down. He's more tan than Tyler thought, too.
"Are you going to answer that?" Colby asks, and Tyler realises he's staring at Colby instead of answering his phone.
Tyler looks at the call ID and sees it's Nancy, her picture filling up the screen behind the interface. Without thinking much about it, he answers the call. "What's up?"
"Oh my God, I thought you were fucking dead, you idiot." Nancy breathes a sigh of relief, and Tyler realises how it must've looked from her end. "I texted you last night and you didn't answer, but I assumed you were busy,  but then you didn't answer when I texted you about five times, and then I called you so many times. I was freaking out and got Tee to call you and I was about to call your stepdad and say I couldn't find you."
"Why'd you assume something was wrong?" Tyler asks as he reluctantly stands up, feet on the cold wooden floor. He walks over to Colby, not sure what he's looking for, but confident in how right it feels.
"What? You never stay at anyone's house. We were eating breakfast and realised you weren't here, and then when you didn't answer we had no idea what happened. You can't deny it's unlike you to just do that."
Tyler stands in front of Colby, who reaches up from where he sits and puts an arm around Tyler's waist. "Yeah, I guess," Tyler admits, closing his eyes as he leans in to Colby. "But you really should trust me to fend for myself. I'm pretty good at not dying."
Nancy laughs, and Tyler can only wonder what joke she thinks he's making. "Alright. Well, are you going to class today?"
"Shit. I forgot." Tyler takes his phone away from his ear for long enough to check the time. It's nearly eleven. Colby presses a gentle kiss to Tyler's ribs, and he gets a shiver up his spine that makes him close his eyes and take a deep breath. "I mean... probably not."
"Just keep your attendance in mind," Nancy tells him. "There's only so much you can miss before it affects your grade. Have fun."
And with that, she hangs up. Tyler lowers his phone, looking to Colby, who probably heard enough of what Tyler said- and Nancy, considering how quiet the room is- that he doesn't need to ask any questions. "When does your class start?" he asks, his fingers tracing little circles on Tyler's back.
Tyler's heart does just the littlest jump at the gentle smile Colby's giving him. He sits on Colby's lap and says, "doesn't matter. I wanna skip it, at least for today."
"You're sure?" Colby asks, and Tyler nods, leaning his forehead into Colby's. It's difficult to keep from kissing him, so Tyler doesn't try. They've both got morning breath, but Tyler doesn't mind too much; right now, he just wants the closeness, the warmth.
Colby breaks away just long enough to brush the hair out of Tyler's eyes and ask, "do you want some breakfast?"
Tyler nods. He ends up going downstairs to collect his clothes from yesterday, although he doesn't bother to put his shoes on yet and is still buttoning up the shirt as he stands in the kitchen. Colby's still shirtless, although he has a pair of pyjama pants on as he sifts through the fridge.
"What do you like?" Colby asks, and Tyler for a moment connects that to their conversation from last night and thinks it's a sexual question before he sees that Colby's holding eggs.
"Oh, uh. Whatever you have," Tyler says, blushing slightly. He can read a touch of confusion on Colby's face, but then he sees the little quirk of his mouth as he realises, and Tyler looks away, heading over to lean on the counter instead. "Can I help?"
Tyler often feels strange having things done for him, although it's definitely nice. He's used to having to do a lot of things himself, often making his own food when his mother couldn't get out of bed. He was always better at it than Trey was, and he'd known how to make pasta and boil eggs since he was about five or six.
"If you want," Colby says, and Tyler falls easily into routine. He makes toast and fries some eggs, and Colby makes them both coffee. They're not talking except to ask how the other likes their food, and that's because Tyler knows what they have to talk about and doesn't want to bring it up until he has to. If there was a way to silently tell Colby all the intimate sexual things he want to communicate, that would be ideal. Tyler doesn't want to have to say the words.
But there's only so long Tyler can sit across from Colby, sipping coffee, without saying anything about last night.
"How do you feel now?" Colby asks, and surely it's in reference to Tyler's nightmare last night. Of course, it was pretty reasonable for Colby to assume it might have something to do with him.
"I'm fine," Tyler tells him, and it's not a lie. "I have nightmares like that all the time."
"That's very casual," Colby says around a bite of toast. "And not good."
Tyler shrugs. "I've been in therapy and all that shit. Not anymore, though. I'm functioning much better than I used to be, I'll tell you that. But you didn't have anything to do with that, alright?"
"You understand my concern." Colby's eyes don't stray from Tyler's gaze. Tyler nods briefly. "I'll be honest with you, Tyler. I was worried when I met you that you would be easily driven away from me, and when I heard about your past... I was certain that you would hate it, Tyler, that you would give up and leave."
"Can I ask..." Tyler trails off, but Colby gives a nod for him to go on. "If you thought it would drive me away, why did you do it?"
"You were insistent, don't you remember? You really wanted it." Tyler does remember, and he blushes, reaching up to cover his eyes. Colby laughs. "You really did."
"No, I mean-" Tyler tries to recover, taking another sip of coffee so he doesn't have to look at Colby. "I mean why not just do something normal?"
"Are you saying that's what you want? You seemed to like what we did do," Colby comments, and Tyler tries to hide his face even further. Colby smirks, knowing full well what he's doing.
"No, I'm not saying anything like that," Tyler says, hoping he'll take that as enough of a statement that he definitely liked what they did do. "Just- from a neutral perspective. Is it like... you have to do that, or...?"
"Well, I don't have to, no." Colby shrugs. "I can, and have, had plenty of sex, as you say, 'normally'. I'd call that vanilla."
Tyler nods. He hasn't heard that particular term before, but he's unfamiliar with a lot of sexual terms, mainly because he's avoided any and every discussion of sexual things his entire life. He does it a lot, but he doesn't much like talking about it or reading about it in theory. It's often much too clinical, bringing back memories of therapy and endless questions by police psychologists.
Colby leans his chin on his hand, thoughtful. "It's just... never been that great, doing it like that. I find it boring, unsatisfying. I'm wired to be a sadist, unfortunately."
"A sadist." Hearing him say it draws up memories, various times he's heard that used as an insult, in place of cruel. Never towards him, no, but many innocent things he is have been thrown around as insults. He may have not heard the term vanilla, but sadism is, like masochism, something known in the cultural sphere. "So you actually just get off on seeing people in pain?"
"Well, it's not that simple, of course." Tyler can tell he's just asked a stupid question that Colby is about to answer with patience. "When I hit you yesterday, you liked it. That's masochism, that's the opposite. I don't think you like it when you stub your toe. It's all contextual."
"I mean, you'd hope so." Tyler feels sheepish for bringing it up. The casual tone with which Colby mentions Tyler's newfound masochism is painful. Tyler decides to ignore it. "So, uh... what kind of stuff do you like? If that was light... what's not?"
"There's a lot of things, Tyler, I..." Colby pauses. "Look, I want to make this clear. I like you, and honestly, if you want to be vanilla, I can-"
"Why're you so convinced I won't want this?" Tyler sputters, unable to keep from interrupting him. He shies a bit after realising what he's implied. "Look, let's- let's leave questions about what I want for a second. I want to know what you want."
Colby takes a moment to consider his answer before leaning back, arms crossed. "You want my honest answer?"
"Yes," Tyler says, somewhat exasperated. Colby's so afraid of driving him away, yet Tyler's not concerned so much as annoyed.
Colby's eyes narrow. "My favourite thing is how someone cries in pain when they love it but it's just a little bit too much. I like bruises, but not as much as I like blood." He licks his lips, like a vampire. "I like my orders being obeyed. I guess I like bondage, watching people squirm. One thing I really like-" Colby leans towards Tyler- "is taking someone defiant and making them bend to my will."
Tyler thinks he does a pretty good job of keeping his face straight and even through all of that, although his stomach is turning over and over, doing somersaults like never before. He wasn't wrong- that is a lot. Tyler's frozen, unsure of what to say or do.
Colby stands and begins to circle the table, eyes fixated on Tyler, not letting him go with his gripping gaze. "One thing I've always wanted, but never truly had, is someone who belongs to me, who gives themselves over to me. Someone who's mine."
There are many collequial meanings to what Colby's saying, and Tyler knows that marriage or a normal relationship is not what Colby's talking about. He's not talking about someone being his in the way Taylor Swift would. The thought of what he does mean is made of butterflies that flutter around in Tyler's chest and make him nauseous with too much emotion.
"Why haven't you had that before?" Tyler asks, because he's not yet ready to ask himself the question of whether or not that's what he wants to be.
Colby shrugs lightly, but even such a carefree motion is dripping in power when he does it in this moment. Tyler can't imagine why anyone wouldn't want to belong to this man- it's difficult for Tyler to stop himself from falling into him. "I needed someone who wanted it as badly as I did," he explains. "And even though there were plenty of people who desired a relationship like that, there were so few who caught my interest. I'll be frank with you, Tyler."
Colby stops at Tyler's side and lowers himself, leaning over so that he's above Tyler. Tyler's afraid to break eye contact, and wouldn't want to even if he could. "You're defiant, even though you love this. And I like that."
"You can't read my mind," Tyler deflects, but he realises as soon as it leaves his mouth that he's fallen into Colby's trap. His point is proven. Colby chuckles deep and it goes straight through Tyler's body.
When Colby's silent, it forces Tyler to talk. "I, uh, would like to know what your- proposed idea- means exactly?"
"Are you asking what it means to be mine?" Colby asks, and it strikes Tyler just how deep he's gone now. He can always turn around, and he's sure that Colby won't do anything he doesn't want him to, but still, it's terrifying to nod. He does it anyway.
Colby goes back to where he was sitting before, and it puts them on a more even playing field. Colby's eyes sparkle. "There'd be rules," he says. "I'd want something marking you as mine, and I'd want some control over what you did. Where you go, what you wear, how you look. I wouldn't control your entire life, of course, but when you were with me I would control everything. There'd be more of last night, going much further than that. You said last night that you wouldn't call me certain things, which is fair. I'd hate for you to call me 'daddy' for sure, and although I'd normally lean towards 'sir', there is another option concerning what submissives-" Colby's vague gesture towards Tyler cements that this is reality, not a hypothetical, and Colby's talking about him. "-usually call dominants."
"And what's that?" Tyler asks in a sharp intake of breath, trying hard to process all of what Colby just said. It's difficult to triangulate his feelings on the matter, as it's all a mess of nervousness in his brain right now.
Colby cocks his head slightly. "Master."
That word alone sends a shiver down Tyler's spine, and he holds his hands together to stop them from shaking. He looks at Colby and turns the word over in his mind, applying it silently to Colby and trying to imagine it. It's weird how well it fits him. He gives off such a calm and collected demeanour that's difficult to deny, and it clicks in Tyler's mind as perfect.
The thing is, Tyler's been searching all his life for freedom from a confinement that wasn't physical. His father is 'daddy', his father is 'sir', and his father both held him down and rejected him, kept him locked up and left him alone. When he found freedom, he found it freewheeling and destructive. His mother was trapped the same, broken in a million ways. He never had guidance, he could never trust anyone else with his life. The closest he ever came was with Kevin, as he grew older, but that was a fire that burnt everything to the ground. How Tyler misses the fire, even though it tore everything down. What he needs is a controlled burn.
If Colby is 'Master', and Tyler can trust him, it's impossible for Tyler to say that's not something he wants. Maybe Colby is a controlled burn. The thought warms Tyler sure enough.
"I won't say it in public," Tyler says after all that thought. It's already taking hold in the back of his mind, although he won't admit it. He looks at Colby and it just fits so well.
"Of course." Colby's even tone tells Tyler that he can read between the lines. Maybe not specifically, but at least the implied bit at the end: but I will say it in private. If you make me.
"I, uh. Obviously haven't done anything like this before," Tyler says, trying to keep the red blush from taking him over. "So I mean... I don't know how this works. What rules, exactly? And how do I...?"
Colby's adoring smile both makes Tyler more embarrassed and makes him feel better at the same time. "Well, I haven't decided yet, have I?" he says, and Tyler sheepishly leans back in his seat. "With all fairness, this isn't exactly something I've done properly before, either. I've come close, done similar things, but this exactly is new to me as well. I'll have to decide on the rules, decide what I want for you, and see what you agree to."
"So do I get to decide parts of it too?"
"I wouldn't want you to be uncomfortable, and I'd want to make sure that what you like was catered to as well. Of course this would be a mutual discussion." Colby takes a long sip of his coffee. "Do you need some time to think about it?"
"Yes and no," Tyler admits. "Like... To think about the specifics, yes."
"So yes, you need time to think about the specifics, and no, you don't...?"
"About doing it," Tyler says stiffly, thinking for a moment that Colby didn't understand, until he sees Colby's little smirk and knows he was just pushing to get Tyler to say it. "Okay, fuck off."
"You may not want to talk to me that way," Colby says, although the smirk he gives tells Tyler he's at least somewhat joking. "Which reminds me. I'll have to decide how to punish you."
"Punish-" Tyler's breath catches. "Just- there are certain things-"
"We can talk about it later," Colby cuts him off. "I'll take you home, and tonight, I want you to think about what you do and don't want. Tomorrow, if you're not busy, we can have the discussion."
The discussion. It sounds so serious, like a business meeting, although it definitely doesn't feel like one.
"I have class tomorrow and Wednesday, and since I'm missing today I probably shouldn't miss those days as well." Tyler feels like he's making excuses, although he's seriously not. "Thursday? Or maybe Wednesday morning, or... I don't want to wait too long to see you."
Colby smiles at that. "Thursday is fine. I shouldn't neglect my responsibilities either."
Tyler feels kind of sad about that, even though it's him who made that decision. "Alright."
They finish their breakfast, the conversation heading into something much more idle, with Tyler asking questions about Colby's work. He entertains the idea, quietly, of showing up at Colby's work again and seducing his way in, although he decides to wait. Part of him wants to wait those few days, just to drive Colby mad, to make him wait. Normally with relationships, even in their early stages, two or three days might not be that much. It's just that Tyler really, really has to hold himself back from jumping on Colby as it is.
It's true, though, that he needs some time to consider what he's about to get himself into and figure out what he wants. There's a concern, knowing what he does now, that if he wants something less intense than what Colby's after, Colby might lose interest, but Tyler's able to put that worry aside just for now. He can cross that bridge when he comes to it, he surmises as he eats his toast.
Tyler offers to help clean up, but Colby tells him not to worry about it and offers to drive him home. Tyler's got a lot on his mind right now, and a lot to think about, and while part of him would like the time to mull it over on his walk home, he also doesn't know his way and it's probably a while, so he accepts the ride.
While they talk for most of the way home, it's superficial, ignoring the topics they really want to discuss. Tyler has questions he ignores for now, and Colby has an unease about him like any moment he expects Tyler to drive him away. It doesn't happen, though, and when Tyler leaves the car he reaches out and presses a long kiss to Colby's lips. When he pulls away, it feels like pulling a magnet apart, and every step he takes towards his apartment feels like he's resisting the pull. It's so much harder than it should be.
Does Tyler even have the patience to wait until Thursday?
He hears the TV on when he enters, and he sneaks upstairs to avoid talking to whoever it is. He's friends enough with his roommates, to varying degrees, but right now he needs to be alone with his thoughts, just for a little bit.
He gets into his room and softly closes the door. He goes to his bedside table and gets a box of matches he keeps there, and as he strikes the match, he feels a calmness come over him like sinking into warm water. He lights the candles he keeps beside his bed one by one, until there's a forest of tiny fires. The shutters are mostly closed, but he shuts them all the way, eyes focused on the fire in front of him now that it lights up the dark.
He watches the flames dance, like tiny people made of light, and fades from reality, left alone to think.