Tyed - Chapter 14: Chapter 14

Tyler waits patiently for three whole fucking days, and it feels like every hour drags on. He listens to music and every song makes him think about Colby, and it itches at the back of his mind no matter what he's doing.
He messages Lachlen to talk about Colby Monday night, and he's able to bring up the whole "BDSM" thing, trying to play it off like he's simply asking about Lachlen's life and not searching for his opinion on things.
Tyler: I remember you mentioned the club was for, like, BDSM or something. How's your relationship different with that guy from how it'd be otherwise?
Lachlen: do you know what bdsm is?
Tyler: well yes but also no.
Lachlen: is this about Colby?
Tyler: well no but also yes.
Why is everyone so observant, Tyler wonders? Or is it just that obvious to everyone but him?
Tyler: well, I do want to hear about your life, it's just that it might also help with mine.
Lachlen: so tell me what happened.
Tyler recounts the briefest of details, running Lachlen through what happened without diving into the details. He tells him that there was a charity event they left early, without mentioning everything else that made that whole experience notable.
Tyler: look, long story short we had sex and it was kind of kinky and I liked that, and then he told me in the morning that he wanted to be like. Properly kinky and I have no idea if I want it or not. How do I know?
Lachlen is typing...
Tyler expects a long answer to be waiting for him, but Lachlen deletes and rewrites a few times before sending:
Lachlen: have you tried one of those things where it's like, you get a list of stuff and you have to rate how into it you are? Here
He sends a link, and it leads Tyler to an Excel spreadsheet with a list of things that Tyler only half understands all down one side. Some of them make complete sense- like "bondage", sure- and others, he figures he'll have to google. They're all fancy terms like "asphyxophilia" that Tyler's never heard of and is frankly scared to know.
Lachlen: sometimes it just helps to have stuff itemised and to think through everything like this. Colby's not going to want to do all of it of course, some of its weird and specific but maybe you'll find what you want to do, idk
Lachlen: my answers for this stuff are a huge mess so don't feel too weird if you're kind of a freak like we've all been there
Tyler doesn't know what that means and isn't quite interested in learning just yet.
Tyler: thank you, I'ma do this now and see if it helps. If you want we can meet up later in the week to talk? I missed you dude
Lachlen: I'm booked out until Friday but if that's good for you sure!
So Tyler works through the list. He has a few choices for each one, depending on the number he gives it: one for "no way in hell", two for "I'd do it but I don't like it", three for "maybe", four for "I think I'd like it" and five for "hell yeah". Some things go straight to ones easily enough- he'd rather die than do that daddy roleplay shit, no shade to the people who liked it, and some things were just gross- as soon as he googled "coprophilia"* he slammed a one next to that and figured he'd have to delete his search history later. Again, no shade, it just horrified him personally.
The number of threes was kind of embarrassing, and the only thing worse was the number of fours, and hell, fives. When he did look up "asphyxophilia", he took a long moment to stare at the definition before slowly reaching up and feeling the skin of his neck, thinking. He doesn't try and choke himself, but he does imagine what it might feel like for Colby's hand to be there instead of his own, and something in his stomach flips. He puts a four and shudders at that fact.
It takes him a long time, because he's careful in his consideration, but by the end of it he has a list that's mostly showing him uncertainty. Still, some new ideas have been presented to him, and when they discuss it on Thursday Tyler's at least going to have a list he can refer back to when he's losing track.
On Tuesday, he gets a call he's not expecting. He's walking home after class, and in his stupid newly-together state he feels the buzzing against his thigh and he hopes it's Colby. Looking at the name disappoints him at first, before he forces those thoughts onto the backburner. "Hey, Trey," he says, and although some of the cheeriness is forced, he is happy to hear from his brother. He's thankful that despite everything, there's still a relationship there.
"Hi, Tyler." Trey's voice is as shaky and quiet as it usually is, although it's definitely better than it was when he was a teenager. "Are- are you coming up this weekend?"
"Yeah, if that's okay," Tyler says, careful with his speech in the way his therapist taught him. "I was thinking Saturday."
"Okay." Trey's flat response would feel strange from anyone else. "I have- I've got- I have a present for you."
"Really?" Tyler makes a quiet mental note to get Trey something small. Usually that just means Trey made something like a bracelet or a picture, and it never means much, but Tyler always likes to return it with chocolate or something. "That's really nice of you."
"Do you- do you know if Mum's- if Mum's- if she's coming?" Trey asks, and Tyler looks at the street around him like his mum might be following him.
"I don't know," Tyler says, and although it's true it feels like a lie because he's only spoken to his mother through the occasional text or two since he's moved out. He speaks to Trey on the phone every two or three weeks, and sees him at least once every two months, but his mother he hasn't seen in person in the whole of the past year or two.
It's too painful to face for both of them. It's a strange situation, Tyler and his mother, because Tyler and Trey never should've existed.
"I think Saxon said," Trey says. "We're- we're going to Rosebud."
"In a few weeks, yeah?" Tyler says, and Trey makes a noise of acknowledgement. "Saxon told me, yeah. If you want me to come, I'll come."
"I- I-" Trey seems to struggle to say it. "I do."
"Okay, then I will," Tyler says, and he smiles even though Trey can't see him. It was a lot harder when they lived together to act like the mature one, the big brother in all but age, but it's easier now that he doesn't have to do it all the time.
When Trey doesn't say anything for a bit, Tyler calls it. "Alright, well, I have to go. I'll see you on Saturday, okay?"
"Okay," Trey says, and hangs up. Tyler thinks about Colby again, wonders how much of his life Colby's going to find out someday. It feels like lying to him, not telling him the biggest secret of his life, but lying is better than Colby finding that out. He already knows too much.
On Wednesday, Tyler's sitting down watching Netflix with Nancy when things get kind of awkward. The show's something trashy and mind-numbing, something about glamorous lives in LA, when a girl with six fake tans, seven coats of bleach on her hair, and at least three plastic surgeries starts talking about how she milked all the great things in her life out of her sugar daddy. It's not just uncomfortable because Nancy looks at him as soon as she hears the words "sugar daddy", but also because Tyler finds himself annoyed by and judgemental of the woman he's looking at onscreen. Before it crossed his mind that he was in her exact position, it crossed his mind that she seemed lazy and self-centred and probably never achieved anything on her own. Then it hit him.
"What?" he asks as soon as he meets Nancy's eyes. "Don't look at me like that."
"You should go on this show," she says, and he gets the joke and it's probably something that would be quite funny if he hadn't already passed a bunch of judgement on himself inadvertently.
"Piss off," he says. "It's not like that."
"So he paid your rent for a year and you fucked him but it's not like that-"
"No, because I genuinely like him, he genuinely likes me, and I'm not just using him for selfish purposes."
"You like each other and you're using him for selfish purposes," Nancy counters.
"I didn't ask him to do that."
"But if it wasn't what you wanted you wouldn't have met him in the first place."
"Well that's luck, innit?" Tyler finds himself sounding like his mother when he's angry and he consciously represses that. He shakes his head. "Why are you saying this all of a sudden?"
Nancy pauses the TV, and that's how Tyler knows that this is a conversation conversation. "I just want to make sure that you're doing what you want and not being... well, yourself."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You do dumb reckless things on whims and regret them later, that's what it means," Nancy says. Tyler bites back an angry reply because she's not wrong. "Remember when you got briefly arrested in high school?"
"Are you seriously comparing this to that?" Tyler scoffs. "I didn't even get a criminal record and they couldn't prove it was me-"
"But I was there when you did it, Tyler. And I'm not saying it was wrong- I mean, nobody got hurt, and even if Sandys had died or some shit he would've deserved it, but it's your casual disregard for your own safety that-"
"I did that for you, you know." Tyler's anger simmers low.
"I know." Nancy's eyes glimmer. "All I'm saying is, you do things like that, without thinking about yourself. And I'm worried Colby's that, too."
"I appreciate that you're honest with me," Tyler says. Therapy did help him in some ways; it's certainly made communication easier. "But this isn't like that."
"Well, good." Nancy turns her eyes back to the TV, signalling that this conversation might well be over. "I hope that's the truth."
"It is," Tyler says indignantly, crossing his arms. Nancy turns the show back on, and Tyler reminds himself of every way he's different from this woman, and every way in which he's the same. When the show's over he's only more confused about how to feel than he was before.
On Thursday morning, Tyler's up earlier than usual, and he double-texts Colby asking when and where to meet. His heart is in his throat as he showers and gets dressed; he's careful with his hair, making sure the long curls sit perfectly. He's been told his whole life that his hair is beautiful when he looks after it, and although some of those voices give him shivers he still listens to their advice.
He lays on the bed as he waits for an answer, trolling through notifications on his phone. Most he swipes aside, but one catches his eye: an email, for something other than a shopping promotion or news. An email from an actual person, with a real name, a name that's oddly familiar, although he doesn't recognise it at first.
Ashley Marshall
Hi Tyler, I hope this isn't too out of the blue or scares you off. We met on Sunday, and unofficially I saw you the night before as well. I got your email from James, I think it was either in the charity database or somewhere in amongst Trey's information.
I just wanted to say that you're in a particularly unique position, as I'm sure you know, and I realise it can't be easy. Trey's team are aware of the circumstances of his birth, and therefore yours as well. I know you don't need a lot of the help that Trey does, and I don't mean to imply that, but it's been well found that people in your position often do need more mental health support.
I'm not here to advertise therapy or anything, in fact, I'm here to advertise a friend. Not many people would know about that part of your life, and you wouldn't want them to. Since James and I know anyway, I was thinking that if you wanted to talk about it I'd offer to be there for you.
You can feel free to ignore this if you want. I just figured that it might be nice to have the option. I can't imagine how it must feel to be in your position, and I won't pretend to, but I'd be willing to listen if you wanted to talk about it.
Just think about it.
Sincerely,
Ashley Marshall (Ash)
Tyler finishes reading the email and considers throwing his phone at the wall, but resists the urge. He can only wonder what, exactly, Ash actually wants from him- because he doubts it's friendship he's offering, when he was eyeing Tyler up so much in the club- but that's not the main takeaway he gets from that email.
The circumstances of his birth. How fucking- what a fucking way to say it. Tyler closes his eyes and groans, wishing he could erase every trace of his history. It shouldn't be allowed to follow him like this; it shouldn't be able to. He presses his palms into his eyelids. Why? Why can't he escape his past?
Why can't everyone just forget?
---
Tyler and Kevin are sitting in the forest together, and it's really really stupid, because Tyler hates Kevin and doesn't want to be sitting in the forest with him. But he's otherwise alone, and he'd rather be sitting in the forest in the cold with Kevin than sitting in the forest in the cold on his own.
"What'd you do?" Tyler asks quietly, arms folded around himself, clutching at his thin sleeves and pulling them closer. He can feel his goosebumps through the cotton, and it's all about endurance, that's what he's learned; find a way to keep going, and eventually it'll be over. That's what he's learned time and time again in everything; in the cold, in the beatings, when he can't sleep, at school, in his father's room, watching Trey get hurt, in church, even when Kevin was bullying him.
Kevin scuffs his shoe against the wooden debris on the ground. He sniffs, showing a cold coming on. "Nothin', I don't think. Papa's mad 'cause Mama doesn't wanna listen to him anymore and he takes it out on me."
"Why you?" Tyler asks. Daddy always takes things out on Trey cause he says he's possessed. Tyler wouldn't be surprised if Kevin's possessed too, except he doesn't get like an earthquake like Trey does.
Kevin frowns. "Dunno. Maybe it's 'cause I'm a boy? I only got sisters."
"Are sisters good?" Tyler asks, since the violence is part of their everyday lives.
Kevin shakes his head. His red hair hangs around his face like limp string. It's been long enough since it's gotten washed that it looks greasy and sticks in clumps but not long enough to get all matted like some of the kids in Darkfilly Copse. Daddy likes it when Tyler's hair is fresh and washed and long and clean so that's how he makes Mummy keep it. "Daddy treats my sisters and me different."
"In what way?"
"Like I get beaten and they don't," Kevin says. "Emma said he does stuff to them that he doesn't do to me, but I dunno if she's just making it up to make me feel better."
"What does he do?"
"Well I dunno, do I?" Kevin shakes his head. "I dunno why I'm even telling you."
Tyler shrugs. He picks at the lint on his sleeves and looks around them; as summer's getting closer, it gets warmer but the days also get longer. He doesn't know what time it is but at least it's not as cold as it was two weeks ago. "I guess it's kinda nice to talk sometimes."
"You say something," Kevin shrugs. "Why're you here?"
"Daddy kicks me out of the house all the time," Tyler says. "He does it whenever I annoy him."
"He doesn't beat you?"
"Sometimes, but he usually just kicks me out. He beats up Trey a lot though. He doesn't like to hit me cause he says it makes me ugly."
Kevin scoffs. "So it's like you're a girl?"
Tyler sticks his tongue out at him. "No, it's like I'm Tyler and he likes me better than your dad likes you."
Tyler expects Kevin to start hitting him after that, but Kevin doesn't. He just frowns and looks down at the ground, his eyes following a bug as it makes its way along a stick. "Well he never liked me and I don't even care. I don't care." He kicks at the bug, and as the sticks and ground debris go flying, the bug disappears, but it's probably okay. Tyler hopes it's okay. "I bet it sucks being his favourite anyway. That's what Emma says. I bet she's right and you wish you were Trey."
Tyler scoffs. "I dunno what he does to Trey. I know I don't want to be possessed like Trey is."
"Trey's not possessed, your dad's just dumb."
"Then what's wrong with him?"
"You know Nora?" Kevin asks, and Tyler knew her; she ran away recently. She was Kevin's aunt, Tyler thinks. "She was really smart and she was telling me that Trey's actually just sick. Like in his brain."
"You can't be sick in your brain."
"Yeah you can. My dad thinks I'm sick in the brain too, except different to Trey and Nora says- said that he was wrong. It just means something doesn't work right."
"What does your dad say doesn't work right in your brain?"
"He always says it when he's beating me so I don't listen. I've decided I'm not going to listen to him anymore. I'm gonna be like Nora and I'm gonna leave."
"Where are you gonna go?"
"Away. Apparently there's big cities with lots of people and they're all a lot nicer and smarter than people here. I'm gonna find Nora and live with her, and I'm gonna get a job and marry someone nice. I don't wanna get a wife and have kids like everyone in this town though."
"You're stupid," Tyler says. "You can't just leave."
"Nora did, so I'm gonna."
"If we can just leave let's go now then." Tyler turns, walking out into the forest. He only gets a few steps before turning around and seeing that Kevin hasn't moved. "Yeah, see, it's not that easy."
"We gotta get a lot of food before we go," Kevin says. "And a lot of clothes. And a map, and sleeping bags."
"And what about when they come looking for us?" Tyler says as he returns to Kevin's side. "They always go looking for people who leave. Daddy says most people who leave die."
"Yeah, but we're not gonna die. And there's a lot of people out there who would help us. We just gotta keep walking until we find them."
"And if we run out of food or get too cold?"
"We can come back and nobody will even know we're gone." Kevin takes a step closer to Tyler, and Tyler doesn't know what he's looking at now that he's never seen in Kevin before, but he has instinct. He doesn't know why he grabs Kevin's hand but it's comforting in the same way grabbing Kali's or Trey's can be, but in a different way to both of them.
"Let's go next week," Tyler says. "Let's steal food and clothes for a week and then let's go."