Tyed - Chapter 21: Chapter 21

It's been fifteen whole minutes since Tyler decided he was determined to forget his dying father was getting out of prison, and other than the reminder that comes with the thought that he's doing a good job of forgetting it, he's doing a good job.
"Well, it depends on why you're doing it," Colby says, as they're halfway through a discussion about Tyler's degree. "If you genuinely want to do engineering, then you should, but if you're doing it because you don't know what else to do? Then it might not be worth it."
"It's hard, and I do kind of hate it, but that's the problem. I don't know what else to do." Tyler shrugs. "If I don't do that, what am I meant to do with my time? The thing is, I feel like I need some kind of job, some way to spend my time, but every job I do I end up hating it."
"You haven't done every job," Colby counters. "Try thinking about what you want to do, not in terms of what actual career, but the effect you want to have on the world."
"That's a big question," Tyler mutters, chewing on his lip. "I don't know. I guess I want to help people?" Yeah, if Tyler was even capable of that.
"It's not a question you have to answer now," Colby says. "And maybe you will end up doing engineering, I don't know."
"Well, I mean, I'd like to use my degree. Or at least I think I would." Tyler shrugs. "Went to all the effort of getting it, right?"
"You'd be surprised how many people don't. And hey," Colby's tone is lighthearted, "you might end up staying at home, depending on how things go in your life."
It's a very deniable and low-pressure way of saying that if they're to be together Tyler doesn't have to work, which is true, that's the current point; but Tyler's thankful he's not the only one who's hoping and feeling like this has lasting potential. Well, Colby did pay his rent for like, a year, but he's made it clear that that doesn't necessarily mean Tyler has to stay.
It's refreshing, and rare, and beautiful, to have someone make it clear how much they want you without any of the pressure of saying yes if yes isn't what you want to say. Has Tyler had that, ever? Maybe bits and pieces of it, facsimilies of it. Maybe his only love prior to this. It was long enough ago and painful enough that he doesn't want to think about it; instead, he just wants to enjoy what he has now.
The most difficult part, that Tyler's not sure he can get over, is the getting over part. The past haunts him in everything that he does, and so far he's managed to avoid the worst of it, but such big impressions were left on him that he's afraid those impressions are going to affect his view of Colby. It's happened before; he's slept with people drunk before realising sober in the morning that they looked just a little bit too much like his father. Freaking out on people the morning after is generally frowned upon. Tyler always found something to freak out about, something that triggered memories he didn't want triggered. Then he didn't want to tell anyone anything, and they all slipped away sooner or later, wanting to get closer to someone who was on fire and surprised when they got burned.
The thing is, Colby hasn't put Tyler out; he can't. Nobody can. But he's tolerating the fire in a way Tyler's never seen anyone tolerate him before. Maybe it's just because he was dating people who were all young and cool, and coolness quite often arises from having the energy to focus on charisma because nothing has ever gone wrong in your life. Not always, because Tyler was pretty cool, but he'd tripped into a life where he truthfully didn't belong. Dating Colby comes with a similar social status to dating someone cool, but it's because of wealth, something he also tripped into. While he probably wouldn't be able to understand the material conditions Tyler grew up in, he might just be able to get, at least from the outward angle, the spiky parts that really hurt.
They talk for quite a while, long after they're done eating, and it's so strange, because despite how different the angles they come from are, they can look from each other's perspective enough to sympathise, and it's interesting. It's a conversation not just had for conversation's sake, but because Tyler genuinely finds Colby interesting, and vice versa. Colby's also intriguing because Tyler finds it so, so much easier to be honest with him than anyone else. There's nothing he can point to about Colby that makes this so; it's just a truth he's come to find. He still keeps his secrets, but he finds little, tiny unpleasantries easier to own up to. He feels like he's being his honest self with Colby. He's not his honest self all that often.
There isn't even a vague hint of anything sexual, or about their arrangement, until the very end. "I should ask," Colby says, "whether you want to come home with me, or if you want to go home."
Tyler can't remember if he said anything about it before, but he knows what he wants now, and he's certain the answer is no different than it was earlier. He's not ready for the night to end, not really. "If you want me to go home, I will. But if you don't mind, I..." he doesn't have a great way of saying it, "wouldn't mind staying with you for a while longer."
It's accidentally got double meanings. Tyler's pretty sure Colby picks up on it. "We should probably go, then."
"Probably." As Colby stands, Tyler follows. He follows Colby, letting him do the talking and lead the way back to the car. On the drive home, the conversation is light, and this time, Tyler feels light. He feels far, far better than he did before. Maybe it was a little strange, to derail the date because of his mental state just so that they'd end up fucking and then go back to the date, but it worked out, didn't it? He's worried now, actually, that his sex drive might be a little bit too high, because he's going to want to do it again, and seriously, that's the opposite of the problem just about anyone in his situation would be having right now.
"What, uh," Tyler says, careful in his words, "is the plan for when we get home?"
Colby looks at him briefly, knowing exactly what he means. "Perhaps we could do what we had planned. I feel you haven't truly gotten a taste of what the rules are, exactly."
Tyler looks over at him, hiding a smile. "I'd like to see what you want. Really."
"Good," Colby answers. "Maybe we'll get there."
It's well and truly dark, and the lights reflect off the road and the windows of houses they past, and when the streetlight's illumination comes through into the car, it reflects off of the shiny metal that Tyler wears around his neck. He plays with it, pulling it back and forth; is it weird that he wants a collar of his own? It's not about the collar, he doesn't think. It's about wanting to be different. It's about wanting to be shown as Colby's own; not a one night stand, not just looking for a feeling he hadn't found elsewhere, but special, something he wanted to keep. Having found that feeling.
And for him, it signified a safety and protection he had never found before. Not even in the flames.
Yet another thing he'll keep from Colby for as long as possible.
They enter the house, and again, the air around them changes in such a way that Tyler feels like a weight is lifted. He takes a deep breath, feeling anxiety easing off of him; he likes being here. He doesn't like its emptiness, the fact that it doesn't feel lived in, but he hopes to change that. Honestly, it's a shame that Colby paid his rent for a year: it gives him no excuse to move in as soon as possible.
Okay, that's crazy talk, and Tyler admits that. He's known Colby for a week and that is nowhere near enough time to even think about it lasting for longer than it has, let alone moving in. Maybe that's how Tyler will ruin this, a whole new way he hasn't even considered before: overeagerness. It's never happened to him before, but why shouldn't it? Why shouldn't everything find a new way to fall apart, a way he wouldn't be able to predict?
"Come upstairs," Colby says as Tyler's taking just a moment too long to stare at the wall. It breaks Tyler out of his thoughts, and he follows Colby's instructions. The silence of the house is somewhat eerie; Tyler has never lived alone, and never come back to a house where at least one person wasn't in it. His mum never left the house. She couldn't hold down a job any better than Tyler ever could. That was a trait that ran in the family,  wasn't it? Never being able to do anything with their lives. At least Tyler's mum and brother didn't seem to inherit the trait Tyler got from his father, where they didn't do anything with their lives except hurt people.
The thoughts pass quickly, though, the best that Tyler can hope for. His skies are never clear; it's just that some seas are choppier than others.
He arrives in the living room and puts thoughts of ruining Colby's life somehow or another out of his mind. If he does only what Colby wants him to do, after all, can he really ruin his life?
Colby takes out his phone, pulling up a webpage, focusing half of his attention on that and the other half on directing Tyler over towards the living area. He glances at him thoughtfully. "Sit down, for a minute," he says, and Tyler for a moment hesitates, uncertain of where exactly he means.
Colby, still distracted by his phone, doesn't realise for a moment that Tyler hasn't moved. When he does, he looks him over with a glint in his eye that Tyler's beginning to like; his expression is empty, though. "Sorry, I suppose I should be more clear. On your knees."
Tyler swallows thickly and does as he's told. There's something about the way Colby's only paying half attention to ordering him around that's oddly hot; it's not what Tyler wants, though. He wants that attention. Kind of badly.
Colby finally looks at him, but again, it's to look him up and down. Tyler doesn't know what to do with his hands; he holds them awkwardly in his lap, waiting to be told what to do. As long as he doesn't think too hard about that fact, it feels natural, preferable, to follow instructions. To not have to think for himself.
Colby crouches next to him, putting his phone down, and casually unbuttons the first few buttons of Tyler's shirt. Tyler glances towards his phone, looking to figure out what he's looking at, but all he can see is a dark screen, with a few selectable options with text beside them. Colby's hand gently moves across Tyler's neck, encouraging him to open it up, to expose it to Colby, like he's waiting for a vampire to bite him. He closes his eyes, relaxing into the feeling. Colby undoes the silver collar around his neck, and it clicks in Tyler's mind what he's probably doing.
"What's your favourite colour, Tyler?" Colby asks, his voice coming from above. It's then that Tyler realises he's been sitting there with his eyes closed for longer than intended. He opens them a little sheepishly to find Colby standing again, looking down at him.
"Red," he says. Like Colby's hair; like leaves in autumn, like blood, like Kevin's hair, like fire.
"Right," Colby says, and after a few more moments of tapping at something on his phone, he shows Tyler the end result.
It's a design of a collar, as Tyler had just figured out. It had two layers, a bottom, thicker strap that was black and showed out on either side of the top one, which was red. There was a black buckle and a black ring at the front of it, and the inside was lined with a faux fur that would make it more comfortable against the skin of his throat.
"Is there anything you want on it?" Colby asks, and Tyler realises that the design shown isn't the finished design; there are more things that could be added to it, and as Tyler gently scrolls through the page, he sees all kinds of things he doesn't know how to feel about. Spikes, gems, lettering, even locks and dog tags. Nothing that truly sticks out to him, although he is tempted by the black spikes. It feels a little edgy, though.
After sensing a moment of hesitation, Colby says to him, "whatever you want, just do it, doll."
Tyler blushes a little and selects the edgy spikes. "Most of this... I don't know, doesn't feel earned," he admits. "Like... the tags and stuff. I wouldn't know what to write on them."
"Tags are something that can be added later," Colby shrugs. "This is just for you to have, now. It's a bit obvious, so I doubt you'll want to take it anywhere, or wear it outside of here, so you don't have to worry about it much, beyond whether or not you like it."
Tyler looks up at him curiously. "Do you like it?"
The smile catches at the corner of Colby's mouth. "I made most of it, didn't I?"
"Oh, yeah, I forgot." Tyler blushes, annoyed that his brain is turning itself off as soon as the situation gets vaguely sexual. "Sorry."
"Mm, don't be sorry, doll," Colby says, still distracted as he's inputting things into his phone; does he know how much it's not helping, for him to casually throw a term like that around without really thinking?
Tyler begins, in his mind, a little game, seeing how long it will take before he's got Colby's full attention, seeing if he can get it before Colby's done. He siddles up a little bit closer, putting a hand on Colby's thigh. Colby gently touches his hair with his free hand, but doesn't look up him. Tyler's hand runs up Colby's leg, touching gently, heading up towards where it shouldn't; and suddenly, a gentle hand on his hair gets a vice grip and pulls Tyler back, without even looking away form his phone for a moment.
"Patience," Colby chides, again without looking at Tyler. Tyler concedes the game lost, as frustrating as that is. Colby lets go of his hair and he licks his lips, sitting back and waiting. Practicing patience, because he's not doing a very good job of having it at the moment.
Finally, after pressing a final button, Colby puts his phone down. "Was it so hard to wait?"
"Yes," Tyler argues, leaning forward so that Colby's hand is on his head again. "Yes it was."
Colby seems to be aware that ignoring Tyler just a little bit is driving him mad, and so he makes a hmm of thought and steps away, heading over to sit on the couch. "Really."
Tyler gets up and follows him, taking the spot beside him and cuddling up to his side. "Yes."
Colby raises an eyebrow, reaching up and grabbing Tyler's chin. "How seriously do you want to play right now, Tyler?"
Tyler can't help the blush that he's getting, or how fast and quiet he talks. "I dunno, pretty serious, why?"
"Because I didn't tell you you could sit on the couch."
"Oh." Tyler's conflicted as to whether or not to do anything about it. "I didn't realise that was a rule."
"I can make it one," Colby says, and it becomes clear that he's seeing how far Tyler wants to go right now. "Like I said. How seriously do you want to play?"
Tyler answers by sliding away and falling to the floor.  He leans on Colby's knee, looking up at him with puppydog eyes. "Can I sit with you?"
Colby raises an eyebrow at him again without saying anything.
Tyler traces a little circle on the inside of Colby's knee, biting his lip. "Can I sit with you, please?"
Colby's head tilts, and he strokes Tyler's hair lightly, pushing it out of the way. Tyler's always kept his hair long; it's a habit he's kept his entire life. He's told it's pretty. "Mm, you've remembered half of your manners."
Tyler remembers what he's forgetting and blushes furiously. His whole body is full of heat and he's going to lose his mind to this fire soon enough; it's a matter of when, not if. "...fine.  Master."
Colby's grip on his chin is sooner and harder than expected. "That's not very polite, is it?" he says, his voice low and even. No anger, but he's in control. That's how Tyler wants it. "I think you can stay there for a while. Just until you know your manners a little better."
Tyler doesn't know how to react. He sinks back on his knees and tries the puppydog look again, but it doesn't seem to get him anymore leverage than it did before. Colby's playing with his curls, but he won't meet Tyler's eyes at all. Tyler doesn't pay attention to what Colby's even doing until he asks, "what's your favourite movie, Tyler?"
That's not a question that Tyler expects, nor is it one he has a quick answer for. He spent his whole life in Darkfilly Copse without ever even knowing what a television was. He didn't see a movie until he was thirteen. He remembers that movie well, at least, the parts of it he saw. They got kicked out most of the way through the film. It was just him and Kevin that day, the first time they met outside of the cage of their hometown. Tyler watched the film again years later and cried.
"This is going to sound stupid," he admits, leaning his head on Colby's knee. It's actually very comfortable. "...but Catching Fire."
"Like the Hunger Games?"
"I like it for sentimental reasons," Tyler admits. "It was the first movie I ever watched."
"It came out like seven-" Colby's brain catches up with his mouth. "Ah. I see."
Tyler sees now that he's got a remote in his hands, and makes a swift tactical move. "I've, uh, never seen the first one, though. I've actually never seen a lot of movies. If you pick a good one, that's probably going to be better than whatever I choose."
"Alright," Colby shrugs, still absentmindedly playing with Tyler's hair as Tyler turns to look at the screen. He grounds himself in the feeling of Colby's fingers in his curls; it's nice, and it's not yet too much for Tyler to handle.
"Out of interest," Tyler says, "what's your favourite movie?" he thinks for a moment, uncertain how far this moment has gone away from what it was before, but figures he's in control of that to at least some degree. "...Master?"
Colby chuckles lightly when he hears that. "Memento."
"What's that about?"
"A guy with short-term memory loss, so he can't make new memories, he's looking for the guy who raped and killed his wife. I won't spoil it, if you want to watch it."
Tyler shrugs. "If it's good, then yeah. Why do you like it?"
Colby hmms for a moment. "Again, I won't spoil it, but... it's a reminder that you never, ever really know what's going on in your life. We're all being deceived every moment of our lives."
Tyler bites his lip as Colby's queueing up the movie. Depending on how you look at the concept of deception, many would say that Tyler's lying about the very nature of his existence to Colby- Colby definitely believes something that isn't true, and Tyler would go to any lengths possible to keep him from finding out that truth.