Tyed - Chapter 32: Chapter 32

Colby cleans Tyler up and carries him upstairs, and Tyler is pliant and careless, Colby's given title falling so easily from his lips that it'll shake him when he- well, isn't like this.
For now, he just holds on tight to Colby's chest, laying his head there on his bare skin. The collar around his neck is a comforting weight he doesn't really want to remove, so he simply doesn't. He breathes in Colby's scent, and as the scene is leaving his mind, his thoughts wander, now that he can actually focus.
His body hurts, a general ache, and there's an unpleasantness that comes from having been left frustrated even though he technically came twice; it was a punishment, really. But Tyler still would've chosen it over the random vanilla sex he used to have all the time. Because in those times, he didn't feel safe, didn't feel warm, didn't feel like it was something he wanted to return to. He feels all of that with Colby.
When Tyler had met Colby, he had wondered how someone could sleep with a lot of people, once, and never come back. But he hadn't considered that technically he had always done exactly the same thing; it's just that maybe sometimes it was twice, or it was regular for a while before he left. For Tyler, he rarely actually had sex because he wanted to, although he did in some sense want to. It was a skill he'd been trained to use for those who wanted it from him. A gift he'd been trained to give; not something that was his, to not just give, but take, too. His enjoyment was never a factor. Maybe he had only thought he didn't feel like he had to be useful; looking back it's why he slept around so much.
Of course it had made sense to just give sex in return for money. Except that's not what he's doing anymore, is it? He thought it was; his mum and Shouto, and probably Tee and Nancy, think it is. Maybe Colby thinks so, too. But Tyler's hardly even thinking or caring about the money.
He's only known Colby for such a short amount of time. But he trusts him, in a way he hasn't trusted in a long time. He likes what they're doing, when he hasn't really cared that much for a long time.
Other people- beginning with his father, but going long after that, with a single exception- took. That was what sex was. Tyler gave because it was easier than fighting, and when it was avoidable later, it was a trained response that he never thought about. Nobody asked if he was sure, if he enjoyed himself; the orgasms he got were cheap and even sometimes faked. It was habitual. He'd always wake up disappointed.
Dating people, although it happened rarely- two or three before Colby- was a bit better. Tyler's only been in love once. Even though he didn't love them, he has good memories of Lachlen and another ex, Vanessa, although he was the one to ruin it both times. Tyler thought he could find happiness in someone else, and when he couldn't find it in Lachlen he thought it couldn't be done; that there was only one person for him, and that person was lost forever. All his entanglements with others, besides a close friend or two, became sex that he kept hoping would change something. Sex that he kept hoping would be different- just like Colby did.
And then Colby was different, and Tyler didn't know what to do.
Maybe the thing that's hitting him hardest is the fact that, in the past, his relationships with others were all about what he could give them; a single-sided pleasure that never seemed to really care if he enjoyed himself or not. But Colby, Colby's idea of a punishment was to give Tyler so much pleasure that it hurt.
"Tyler?" Tyler looks up, meeting Colby's eyes. They're a bit blurry for some reason. "Are you- hey, hey, Tyler, Ty..."
Ty- Tyed, haha, tyed, get it, like your name?
Tyler doesn't remember ever being tied up before Colby, but still, that voice rings in his ears and of course it does because Tyler sees the pattern and fears it, fears it so bad.
He can't fall in love with Colby. He can't do that.
"Ty- Tyed," Tyler laughs, as Colby's brow furrows in concern and he feels a thumb over his cheek. Why doesn't he mind it? There's only one person who was ever allowed to touch him like that before now, and Tyler's so afraid. "You- you tied me up. Tyed me up."
"What's wrong?" Colby asks so quietly, so softly. The thumb on his cheek is wet, and Tyler didn't even realise he was crying. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Tyler almost laughs, speaking as he thinks. "I'm afraid of change," he admits, running his hand over Colby's chest. He doesn't want to move and that terrifies him. "I don't know."
"What's going to change?" Colby asks, but god, Tyler knows what's going to change. He's going to fall in love with Colby and then Colby's going to turn out to be awful in some unpredictable way, and then Tyler will put up with it but Colby will leave him anyway because he'll find out Tyler's awful secret, or two, or three.
"I don't know," Tyler lies. "Did- can you tell me, just, the one piece of mind you can give me."
"What's that, Tyler? Anything."
Anything. Tyler's heart shudders in his chest and he fears it's going to burst. He's had that said to him before, but he's never once believed it. "Tell me... You... Your son."
Colby seems to freeze slightly. Tyler can't tell if he's afraid or not. "What... About him?"
"Did you-" Tyler's voice shakes and he can't seem to make himself say it. "She said- Scarlett- she said- his death, you-"
"Did she say I killed him?"
Colby's voice is so carefully even, but Tyler can tell it's both anger and fear that he's hiding. Tyler thinks about it for a moment, and shakes his head; no, that's not what Scarlett would have Tyler believe. Colby lets out a breath. "She said... You could've... Stopped it. And I- and I-" Tyler starts to choke on his tears- "can't f-f-fix m-me but I'm so sc-sc-scared I'm g-g-gonna fuck up and if-if-if I can j-j-just know..."
Tyler trails off, unsure of where he's going. He wants to know that when they break up it'll be his fault, so he can blame himself.
Colby's hands run up and down Tyler's back to calm him, and Tyler takes a few deep breaths. As soon as he's breathing right again, Colby begins.
"I'll tell you the full story, as much as I guess I can," Colby says evenly. Tyler leans on his chest, closing his eyes and just listening. "The short version is that I could not have known he was going to die, and neither could Scarlett. Both of us could have taken better actions that day, but there was never any intentional neglect on either part. Just mistakes."
Tyler breathes through his nose and nods. There's two sides to this story and he has access to both of them; he'll be able to find the truth, or at least have a guess.
"Not long after we got married, Scarlett started acting odd," Colby says. "Maybe six months in, it began. Scarlett was about eight months pregnant with Altan. If you're doing the math in your head, yes, he was conceived before we got married- which was, in fact, why we got married. She didn't want the bad looks she'd get for being an unmarried mother, and we'd been together for about a year at that point, so I figured it wasn't the worst choice I could make."
Colby begins running his fingers through Tyler's hair. Tyler hates his hair being touched, and jerks away; without complaint, Colby goes back to touching his back again. "So, she began acting weird. Like she didn't want to touch me anymore. Mind you, until now we'd been fine- she and I were reasonably compatible as far as sex went, at least until then. I figured it was because she was very pregnant at that point, and felt gross. I say reasonably compatible, because she was very closed off about private things. I was able to get her to do some of the things I liked, and she did seem into it- I didn't coerce her at any point, although I admit, I should've asked her if she really wanted to do it or not, since it didn't occur to me that she simply didn't like it and was pretending."
"Was that the issue?" Tyler asks.
"No," Colby admits. "She never explained why she stopped wanting, well, anything, but I found out. She was cheating on me."
Tyler blinks. "While eight months pregnant?"
"I think that's when it started, but I didn't find out until afterwards. It was with a long time family friend of hers. But we had a newborn son at that point, and I... didn't want the mess of a divorce any more than she did. I didn't want Altan to have divorced parents so quickly, and the thing is, I feared she would gain full or most custody. She would've died for Altan, she loved him so much, and it's not that I didn't- it's that she would've fought to the death to keep him by her side. And the thing is, her friend who she cheated with creeped me out so much and I really didn't want Altan possibly having a stepfather like that. She begged me to stay, and I knew it'd be better for Altan, so I did, on the promise she stopped cheating."
Tyler nods. "...and?"
"For maybe a week I felt things were better, but then it just got worse again. She started drinking almost every night, and frankly, so did I. That didn't end well for either of us. Eventually, her friend- his name is fucking Paul, he left the country two years ago and I'm glad or else I might've done something I regret since then, even more than I did do- he called me, and in the weirdest phone call ever, informed me that he was still sleeping with her. Scarlett and I had an argument in the kitchen, both of us drunk. And then..."
"What?" Tyler fears the worst, imagining a thrown bottle smashing into a baby and feeling sick. "You can't stop there."
"This is going to sound very weird," Colby says, "...but we ended up having sex. Hatefucking. Scarlett, who'd been trying to avoid sex for months at this point and seemed to have a hard time even seeing me naked. Scarlett, who had always been so quiet and hidden her interests behind closed doors, was begging me for the kinkiest things you could imagine. I have this vivid memory of her face all screwed up in anger telling me, just do it, you know you want to."
Tyler screws up his nose. "I don't really want to hear that."
Colby laughs a little. "Sorry."
"I'm... failing to see how this... Altan...?"
"Once again, you're not going to believe this," Colby says, taking a deep breath. "When it was over, she was very upset. She didn't say why, just shutting off like usual. She ran downstairs to Altan's room, and I followed her, trying to find out what was wrong. I distinctly remember it hitting me as I ran down the stairs that she'd cheated on me and broken her promise. And I ran in there, and she was just curled up on the floor, holding Altan. I remember yelling at her for a bit, and she didn't really respond, so I left."
"And...?"
"And she fell asleep next to him," Colby says with a slow breath out, "and in her sleep, suffocated him. I don't know if you know that that can happen."
"Oh." Tyler knows he's supposed to be sad, or at least take a moment to give condolences, but his first thought is, "...honestly, that's not your fault."
"It's not hers, either. We had both had alcohol, but I was sober enough by that point to drive, which I did. I knew cosleeping was dangerous, especially if she was drunk, and I knew Scarlett was prone to falling asleep when she'd had some, and also after crying, which she was doing. I just didn't think about any of that. I was angry, and thinking about revenge. I... don't like to think about Altan, because when I do I think of how... his father didn't prioritise his safety, and-"
Tyler leans up as the tables turn, and he finds himself pressing a kiss to Colby's cheek, kissing the tear he finds there away. "I'm sorry," Colby mutters, rubbing quickly at the growing tears. "I'm not- trying to-"
"It's a lot to deal with," Tyler mutters, kissing him on the lips this time, but only a chaste one. "It's okay, Colby. It was an accident."
Colby shakes his head. "I know. What's past is past now, I suppose. Altan wouldn't have wanted the broken family he would've had. He would've been miserable with that creep for a stepfather. Although he might've been pretty happy with you."
Tyler laughs. Altan would be two or three by now. At least Tyler would've been a parent older than his mother was. "No, no, any child would hate to have me around. I don't mind kids, but I doubt I'd be a good father. I mean, I'm not opposed to it, but if I am going to have kids, they won't be biological. I..." Tyler realises what he's justifying, to who, and stops trying to suggest that this relationship is going to end up with children at this stage. "Nevermind."
Colby scoffs through a sad smile. "It's alright. Do you... feel better, knowing that?"
Tyler shrugs. "Feeling better is the wrong way to say it. But now I guess I know that when everything goes to shit it will be my fault because you are a good person."
---
Tyler's gotten good at sneaking. His footsteps make no sound on the floor as he pads down the hall, stopping at the third door and gently pushing it open.
The dried tears on his face feel stupid. He's twelve. He's got no reason to cry anymore; he's been living this life for as long as he can remember and really he should be used to this by now. He keeps coughing like that'll make anything better. Everything hurts, and it's all awful, and a fresh tear tracks down past the old ones even as he's trying to keep his breathing even.
The room is dark, but Tyler knows this house by heart. He shuts the door behind him and pads over to the bed, pulling the covers aside and crawling into it. The smell is comforting; it's kind of just woodsy and a certain person, a little bit of the cheap lavender soap and the rosemary from the garden, but it's a smell that Tyler can close his eyes and feel safe smelling.
"Mummy?" Tyler mutters as he feels her shift. She opens her eyes slightly blearily; for a moment she meets Tyler's eyes and she looks so terrified that Tyler begins to cry again before her gaze instantly softens, and her arms wrap around him, pulling him to her chest.
"Oh, Tyler, baby, I thought you were Daddy," she says, clutching around his back. "What's wrong, darling? Why are you crying?"
Tyler feels a sob wrack him. "It was worse tonight."
"Oh, my baby, I'm so sorry," she says, and Tyler buries his head in her neck. "If I could take away your pain, I would. He just... he likes you best, now."
Tyler doesn't know why he's crying. "It- it was so much worse this time and I don't know why. I don't know why it was so bad, Mummy."
"Was it different?"
Tyler shakes his head, letting the tears his his mother's skin. She doesn't seem to mind.
"Has anything changed?"
Tyler freezes, hesitant. Nothing changed for his father, no. But something has changed for Tyler.
"No," he half-lies.
His mother picks up on it. "Are you sure?"
"No," Tyler admits. "I- I've done it where it wasn't bad. Is that bad? Did I do a bad thing?"
She takes a big, deep breath. "Did you do something to someone else?"
Tyler feels caught, and begins to cry anew. "I didn't- I didn't hurt him, I promise, it was like it's meant to be, but-"
"Tyler, you know you're not supposed to," his mother chides, although she's still holding him and doesn't let go. "Daddy's not meant to do what he does. You don't have sex before marriage."
"But I can't marry him and it made him happy and I want him to be happy."
"Boys also aren't meant to do it with boys, just like adults aren't meant to do it with kids and parents aren't meant to do it with children. It's no better, Tyler. God said not to do any of that."
"It feels wrong with Daddy," Tyler mutters. "It doesn't feel wrong with Kevin."
"Kevin? Kevin Butler? Tyler!" Mummy gives him a light smack on his back, still unwilling to stop holding him. "He's a brat. If you're going to be doing things you're not meant to be doing at least pick a nice respectable girl you can marry some day."
Tyler snorts. "I tried, but kissing Kali was weird."
"Kali's also not a good choice, Tyler," Mummy says, rubbing circles on the spot she just hit. Tyler still feels awful, but there's at least a slight improvement. "...so I'm glad it's not her."
Tyler sighs, shuffling so he can lay against his mother's chest instead of in her neck. The tears are all dried again, and he feels distant from the pain that was so fresh moments ago. He's silent, just taking in this comfort.
"Just tell me one thing," Mummy says after a moment, and Tyler nods. "Did you wanna do it?"
Tyler nods. It was his idea, after all.
"And did he?"
Tyler nods again.
Mummy sighs. "Then that's the real important thing, ain't it? You're not hurting anyone. Just... try not to get too involved, alright?"