Tyed - Chapter 48: Chapter 48

"Well," Nancy says after a long, long moment of silence, "what do we do?"
Tyler is tracing patterns in the table. He looks over at Tee, around at the club patrons, can't can't focus. He shrugs.
"Well, you've got to talk to her then," Nancy says, leaning across the table. "What are you waiting for?"
"I'm worried I've forgotten how," Tyler sighs, unsure where these thoughts are coming from; they form in his mouth rather than his head. "Or she'll want to leave the past behind."
"Oh, shut up. I was just talking about how great she was, wasn't I? You'll do fucking fine. I'm just sitting here wondering how this girl I've been getting to know and legit might have feelings for, you're just like, yeah she's my childhood best friend but I don't wanna talk to her? This is a weird moment. Ok, hold on, here's my plan."
Nancy takes a photo of him, leaving Tyler blinking in confusion. "Are you gonna-"
"Hold on." She shows him the picture, having typed onto it, taking my best friend to a bar, a caption that slightly betrays the fact she's forcing it a bit. Tyler honestly looks dumbstruck in the picture. "Should I send her that?"
"If you're gonna do that, at least take a good picture," Tyler snarks, "but- but why would you-"
"We'll see if she'll make the connection, and then you don't have to say anything."
"I'll still have to talk to her."
"You don't want to?"
Tyler leans on his hand. "I don't want to have to have had to stop talking to her."
"Lot of haves and hads."
"Shut up. Point is I don't know if we're the same people we were when we were friends."
"You're both my friends right now in this moment. You have a mutual friend."
Tyler looks up at her, and smiles softly. "I mean, you're right. I'm being kinda stupid, I just-"
She takes another photo of him with the same caption, which she shows him while he's still figuring out what that flash of light was. "Ok, I'm sending that. Okay?"
Tyler at least is smiling there, so he says nothing and lets her do it.
"You're freaking out about this, but like, you should be freaking out in a good way," Nancy says, leaning over and touching his arm gently. "You looked for her for so long."
Tyler shrugs, looking down at the table. "I guess I kind of assumed she was dead or gone forever, and I- don't- I don't know how to deal with good news anymore, you know?"
Nancy smiles. It slowly gets wider. "We found her, Tyler. We found her. And she's alive and well and doing great and-"
"And you have a crush on her," Tyler laughs loudly. Nancy shushes him, and Tyler leans in closer to laugh into his hand.
"Well, I hope to be seeing a lot of her then," Nancy says. "What a small fucking world."
It's at those exact words that Tyler's phone begins to ring. It's on silent, but he can feel it buzzing against his leg. He takes it out and immediately answers, eyes only glazing over the name that shows up- but long enough to register it.
"Look up," Colby says, a smile in his voice. Tyler does, looks up at the same balcony he first met Colbys eyes on before, and almost as Tyler expected him to be, Colby's standing there, leaning over the edge with a little grin and the phone to his ear.
Tyler looks over at Nancy. "Hello," he tells Colby. "I was dragging my friends here, funny story."
"I'm not worried you were doing anything else," Colby says softly. "I was with my friends, as well. Do you want to come up and say hello?"
"To your friends, or my friends to you?"
Nancy seems to pick up on what's going on suddenly, looking around the room. Tyler's heart is racing with the news of Kali, and he can hardly think straight. Nancy's eyes land on Colby and stick.
"Well, I suppose both, although both at once might be a bit awkward. Is that Nancy?"
"Yeah," Tyler says, looking over at her. Her phone buzzes and Tyler's heart jumps. She makes conspiratorial eye contact with him, although he can't figure out if it's about Colby or Kali.
"Did you come with anyone else?"
"Uh- Tee, who's- off somewhere being gay," Tyler mutters, eyes scanning the room for him, distracted. He's making chit chat with a group of people in the corner, so Tyler assumes he's fine.
"Aren't we all," Colby laughs. "Okay. I'll come down, if you want."
"I'm curious to see your friends. I haven't heard you talk much about them," Tyler says, losing sight of Colby as he backs away from the balcony.
"That's an interesting topic," Colby says vaguely, humming for a moment, and Tyler gathers that he's trying to get far enough away to speak on the matter. "I doubt my friends are as close friends to me as yours are to you. It changes, you know, with adulthood and plans and jobs. It gets harder to see someone so often."
"I can understand that," Tyler shrugs. "When uni is off it's like I only ever see the people I live with. You'd have to put some effort in, huh?"
"Of course. I see you now. I'll be there in a moment- if that's alright, of course?"
"I'll make it alright," Tyler laughs, and hangs up.
"What's going on?" Nancy asks, eyebrows raised. "That was him, on the balcony?"
"He's coming to meet you," Tyler says evenly, and he laughs a little at the panic in Nancy's eyes. He feels bad for it, but it's kind of funny. "Sorry. Don't panic. He's nice and easy to-"
Tyler remembers that the easy-to-talk-to part seems to be pretty subjective when Colby actually arrives at the table. "Hi," he says, and Nancy seems frozen for a moment before nodding and smiling and remembering how to be a human being.
"Hi," she responds. "I'm. I'm Nancy, it's uh. Nice to meet you."
Tyler recognises Colby's little smirk of disguised amusement. "I'm Colby."
Colby looks to Tyler, and Tyler's two worlds existing like this is kind of strange; he's never considered them two worlds before, because he's inhabited them both no problem, but they are truly alien to each other. Now that he thinks about it, there's three, and they're also overlapping right now, if that's Kali that's texting Nancy right now. Tyler tries to put her out of his mind; he'll deal with that, speak to her, soon. Right now, Colby is right in front of him, and so is Nancy.
"How's it going?" Tyler says softly, suddenly feeling much more sober.
"Good," Colby smiles. "I'm losing horribly at a few games of cards right now. Figured I should take a break, you know?" He scratches the side of his face. "I'm tempted for a cigarette, but I'm trying to stop."
Tyler knows this already; he's telling Nancy, which is perhaps an odd introduction, but Tyler doesn't mind himself. "That's good," Nancy nods. "Uh, not the losing, but uh, the trying to stop."
Colby smiles at her. "How's your night been?"
Tyler can tell that Colby is trying pretty hard to give off a good impression. It's just that his vibe is quite overwhelming and Tyler totally gets Nancy being intimidated, given everything she knows.
Including that Tyler's kinda in love with this dude, and therefore wants him to stick around, and so her first impression matters. Ironically, she's probably definitely overthinking her first impression for that reason, and it's making her seem way more nervous that she actually is.
"Good," Nancy's able to answer. "We, uh..." she struggles to think of an answer, given that the two most interesting events of the night are that they found Kali- more of a topic than Tyler thinks she'd like to bring up- and being here at all. "...we were hanging out, you know, and Tee, our friend, wanted to go somewhere new. So Tyler told us about this, and now Tee seems to be having a lot of fun, so there's that."
Nancy shoots him a look. Tyler forgot until this exact moment that they decided to go out tonight because Tyler wanted to forget the fact that he was in love with Colby. It's pretty impossible to forget, though, especially now that he's here. Even Kali gets pushed to the side in his mind, having Colby right here by his side.
"That's good for him, then," Colby says, looking over at where Nancy was gesturing. "I'm glad. I'm only ever really here myself because I'm friends with the owner, at least, that's the only reason recently." He looks at Tyler as he says that. "Forgive me if I overstep by saying it doesn't seem to be your thing?"
Nancy shifts, a little uncomfortably. "How... how could you tell?"
Colby shrugs. "Red ribbon and you're hiding in a corner. Don't worry- nobody's going to hit on you; everyone's respectful here, or else. If you're not too weirded out by the environment, it's just like another bar."
Nancy's still struggling for words. "I, uh. Sorry, I'm just-" she looks down at her phone- "a little thrown, I promise I know how to speak to people."
"You're fine," Colby says, and Tyler can tell now that his walls are up. He realises this only now when he recognises that they aren't often up with him, although he didn't notice them coming down. "I'd like to steal Tyler, just for a moment, but I don't want to leave you alone."
"Oh, I'll be fine," Nancy smiles. "I'll just go stand near Tee if I feel lonely. He won't change anything he's doing, but I'll look like I'm not alone."
Colby laughs a little at that. "Alright. I won't take him for long, I promise. Tyler," god, when he makes eye contact Tyler swallows hard, nervous suddenly- like Nancy being here, and knowing, reminds him of how hopeless his situation here is- "don't let me take you for too long, alright?"
"I won't," he says, promising whatever Colby wants him to promise without really thinking about it.
Colby smiles like old-timey heartthrob men smile, and Tyler feels like Audrey Hepburn when he takes the extended hand, almost expecting a kiss to the back of it. He follows him, away from Nancy, and Tyler puts that aside in his mind, best as he can, for now. Her, and Kali, found.
Fuck.
Rock and a hard place; except it's good things. It's good things, but they're complicated, and they come with risks. Kali, much like Colby, is something good- a friend, someone who's been there his whole life, someone he wants to help and save and talk to again. He's missed her so fucking much.
But she's someone else now, and there's a risk that that person isn't interested in being Tyler's friend anymore. She has a new name, new parents, a new life. She wears makeup now and she texts girls on Facebook. The rejection probably won't be immediate, but she's not going to be the little girl Tyler remembers- he's not who she remembers, either.
She doesn't know Kevin is dead.
Tyler feels sick.
He could chase her friendship, exactly what he wants to do- but what if they've grown apart? What if they try to be friends and it grates, and Tyler can't even keep the good memories he has of her because they're ruined by the awkwardness of the new ones?
Tyler wants the good, but so badly fears the bad. He thinks of Kevin in the park, in the dark, saying he wants a reason to live, the warning signs Tyler decided to ignore for his own sanity. He had hoped to bluff it out and he lost everything.
He could lose Colby in any number of ways. He's so stupid for having done this. For having fallen in love. Idiot.
Didn't learn his lesson.
"Hey," Tyler stops halfway up the stairs. He doesn't know what he's saying, doesn't know what he wants, and he wants to panic but can't figure out why. Well, he knows.
He's not drunk enough to have forgotten yet. Or maybe he's drunk enough to have remembered.
"Are you okay?" Colby asks, his voice is so soft- Tyler's not going to get to keep him, so why is he making him care about him? Tyler's going to lose him, like everyone. How hasn't he lost Nancy by now? How? And Tee's been around a long time, but- maybe friends stay, Kali doesn't feel like she'll come back, but maybe it's just romantic love the universe has decided it won't give him problem free.
Tyler is on the stair below Colby, but once Colby turns around to look at him, Tyler simply hugs him.
"I think I'm okay," Tyler mutters, lying. He's warm, Colby's body is like sinking into your own bed at home after a long day; god, he's like home.
Has Tyler ever felt at home?
—-
"No," Tyler says, feeling his voice shake in his chest but not hearing it in his words. He's gotten good enough at at least pretending to be fine. "I'm going out. I told you yesterday."
"Tyler," she says, arms crossed in his doorway. Tyler's head hurts. "You can't leave every night, damnit, you live here with us and I'll-"
"We don't live in a fucking cult anymore, I'm allowed to leave-"
"Tyler!"
"and go where I want-"
"I want you home for a reason, have you considered that, Tyler?"
Tyler bites his lip, clenching his fists where she can't see. "And I wanna leave for a reason, Carol. I'll be home later."
He leaves, ignoring the cry of indignation after him. It hurts in his chest, but the feeling of not going out tonight hurts worse.
He takes off down the road, running when he doesn't have to necessarily run. He stops running before long, as his legs tire out and his chest begins to burn. At each step he wonders if he made the right choice and if he's going the right way, as he does, as he did, with everything in life.
He doesn't want to be home; it doesn't feel like home. Carol's house is not where Tyler wants to be. He doesn't take comfort in its walls, doesn't rest soundly in his bed when he sleeps there alone. He's got a hole in his chest that isn't ever full anywhere but outside, in the dark, with Kevin.
He does wonder what she wanted, but brushes it aside, deciding it can't be important. It's easier to push down a little bit of concern and confusion than it is to confront himself, turn around, and not give himself the fix of the only thing keeping him going through high school without losing his mind.
He gets there first, for once. Tyler's never the first to get there. He takes out his phone; the mobile data he has is so limited, but he uses a chunk of it to check his messages with Kevin. There's nothing yet, nothing new. The last message was one sent last night- this morning?- at 3am, them telling each other that they loved each other before going to bed.
Tyler stares at the message for a little while. He remembers being curled up in his sheets, cold and alone; and he remembers smiling at those words, as simple as it was. It made him feel less alone.
"You're early."
Tyler turns so quickly, nearly dropping his phone. Kevin stands, arms weakly crossed, smiling softly- when did Tyler gain so much height on him?- although it's not the wide, carefree smile that Tyler got to see in the forest. He wishes he'd cherished what he had when he had it, then- Kevin was happier then. It felt like they were playing the same parts over and over trying to get the same high sometimes. It's not like that was their relationship- they were the only ones that either of them could be honest with- but neither of them had that odd innocence anymore.
"I'm not early. You're late," Tyler says, so soft compared to how he spoke to Carol. "How are you?"
Kevin melts a little, like the happiness can creep through the cracks now that Tyler is here. "I'm okay," Kevin says with a nod, stepping in closer- close enough to stand up on his tippy-toes, to kiss Tyler. "When did you get so tall?" he asks, the same thought Tyler was thinking, and then he puts his arms around Tyler's shoulder and Tyler pulls him close by the waist and they're kissing again and Tyler suddenly feels just fine.
It's like warming himself by the fire. Now Tyler feels at home.