Tyed - Chapter 58: Chapter 58

Nancy's voice sounds so strained when she says, "...please elaborate?"
Tyler takes a shuddery breath. "If I wanna be more accurate, I think they had a relationship. Or have one? I don't know. I think it's complicated. But my mum seems invested in Scarlett's relationship status, Scarlett's tracking down Saxon for some reason, my mum suddenly wants to tell me something- okay, how much were you eavesdropping on?"
"Most of it," Nancy admits, "...but are you sure you didn't jump to any conclusions?"
"Not certain, no. But it makes more sense the more I think about it. And-" Tyler looks up suddenly. "It means... she did cheat on Colby after all. Maybe. Depending on when this all happened."
"So are you sure you're not choosing to believe it because you want to?" When Nancy gets a glare for that, she elaborates, "look, I didn't hear everything. But that's got to be an awful coincidence, right?"
Tyler laughs. "If anything it makes me believe in fate. Maybe God is real and his sense of humour is just sick as hell. But as grossed out as I am- it's gotta be good, right? Colby will never leave me for Scarlett if Scarlett doesn't even want him."
"Okay. Let's assume you're right and Scarlett had a thing with- with your mum, of all people." Nancy has her hands up like she's approaching a dangerous animal. In a sense she is. "But she's still going after Colby, right? She wants to at least look married to him. At least. He doesn't know that, and frankly, unless Scarlett admits to it- I don't know if even your mum's word would be enough here, although maybe- I don't know if Colby has reason to believe it. Not because he wouldn't believe you, but because you hardly have reason to believe it. It's like, thirdhand coming from you."
"What's your point?"
"My point is, you're currently overreacting to a problem you don't have. Colby has chosen you so far, and if you barge up to him and say Scarlett only wants you for money or whatever, my mum said so, you're looking desperate for no reason. I'm saying keep this info to yourself, especially when it's speculation."
"It's not speculation," Tyler argues, even though it largely is, "but okay, fine- I won't tell him for selfish reasons. But what if that's all it takes to get Scarlett off my back? Get Colby to pretend as far as she needs him to, or get him to refuse her outright, and then she can go back to-" Tyler wrinkles his nose- "my mum. Assuming that's what she wants."
"You're going to have to talk to Scarlett, then," Nancy says, "not Colby. You've got to at least confirm this story before you go running with it, yeah?"
And it's not the last barrier between Tyler and happiness. Because as much as he wishes Scarlett would be honest with Colby, as much as he thinks she wouldn't be judged for that family problem she can't control- it's not like he's extending himself that same benefit of the doubt.
He texts his mother quickly as they're going home. Sorry, had to hang up quickly. I can meet in person if it's really important. Although he has a feeling he already knows everything she's going to say.
He hasn't been keeping track of how long it will be until his father is out of prison.
He types and re-types a message to Scarlett what must be a thousand times. None of them are even remotely acceptable. He supposes he can interrogate his parents more and pretend that's how he's going to solve this.
Nancy puts a hand on his arm. "Don't fixate too much on this," she says. "Just remember that it's either good news or nothing has changed."
"In regards to Colby, maybe. But I still want to know what's going on with my fucking parents," Tyler mutters, head in his hand.
"From the sounds of it they're girlbossing some rich Christians. Come on, Ty, do you really care?"
"If Scarlett and my mum have a thing, yes I care. Especially if she now knows shit about me from my mum that I don't want her knowing. I don't know how close they are but my mum seemed determined that Scarlett can't have been into Colby. And-" Tyler realises something he quickly scrambles to put into words. "Scarlett didn't know who I was, but she knew my parents- and now she knows me as Colby's boyfriend- what if my mum tells her what I said and gives away that I'm her son?"
"Tyler, Ty, slow down," Nancy says, "I don't understand. If Scarlett is- is dating, or at least is friends with, your mum, why wouldn't you want her to know that she's, you know, your mum?"
Because if Scarlett knows Carol at all, maybe Carol's told her what she's been through. Maybe she's talked about Darkfilly Copse, her trauma- the fact that her two children are by her father.
The only hope Tyler can possibly hold onto is that if Scarlett recognises him, she doesn't act like it. She probably doesn't. Meaning Carol hasn't showed her pictures, and maybe hasn't even mentioned his name, because maybe Scarlett would realise how similar they look. Maybe there's hope, then, that Carol hasn't said a word about him. Maybe it was weird to mention it. Tyler might feel a bit hurt by that if it was literally any other circumstance.
But Tyler can't say because she'll know what's so fucked up about my family and tell Colby, because Nancy thinks she already knows everything that's fucked up about Tyler's family. The only people who know are those who read his file, and, well, Lachlen.
Lachlen reacted fine, honestly. He had dated Tyler and it didn't bother him. Ash and James and Jai and Emma all knew and all treated him perfectly fine that night. There was no indication it mattered to them.
Nancy is his best friend. She's been around since the beginning, really, as long as someone who wasn't at Darkfilly Copse could've possibly been around for him. She was there when Kevin died, and he was with her during her worst hells, too. At this point their bond is pretty unbreakable. What would be the point in not telling her?
"Tyler?" Nancy asks, not because she expected much of a response, but because he's been staring at nothing for too long. "Look, I get it," she begins cautiously, "it's a weird situation, but..."
"I'm worried," he spits all of a sudden, "that she's gonna find things out from my mum and tell Colby."
And Nancy smiles at that. "I don't think your mum is gonna spill your secrets. I don't think there's anything she could spill that Colby doesn't already know. Right?"
"Nothing you know."
Tyler doesn't realise those words actually left his mouth until it's too late.
Nancy, his best friend, looks at him and asks, "what do you mean, nothing I know?"
And he's got no idea how to answer her.
——
There are four times Tyler almost told Nancy his biggest secret.
The first wasn't long after they met. They were skipping art class together, sitting in the back of this old block of toilets. The F-block toilets were basically falling apart, held together by the sheer force of will of a principal who didn't want to spend any money on anything other than the sports team- or perhaps simply didn't have the kind of money needed to make this place not a shithole. Probably both. It was maybe a month into Tyler's first year at school, and while he'd claim he was settling perfectly, he still struggled with a lot. Mainly, what was appropriate topics of conversation.
They were up the back, where the window had fallen in and light spewed forth, the rubble giving Nancy a good perch to sit on and still be eye-level with Tyler, who stands against the heavily graffitied wall. He has a lighter that he's slowly burning bits of a homework assignment off with, while Nancy twirls a string bracelet around her fingers.
"Can I ask you something?" she says after a moment of silence. Tyler was aware of the silence and choosing to ignore it.
He nods without emotion.
She looks at him, and her gaze seems oddly piercing, seeing through into his soul. "What was it like?"
"What was what like?"
"You know, growing up there." He stiffens at her words, muscles locked up in fear. "People say a lot of shit. Calling you a lot of words and stuff. People just think they know, right? And I assume they're wrong. I'm just curious how wrong."
Tyler considers his answers. They're more right than they're wrong. The adults are almost as brainwashed as they think they are- it's just that brainwashing isn't like zombies, it's fear that they promise with all their heart is enlightenment. It had its good parts, I still loved my family, even after all that was done to me. I don't even know how to describe it, because what benchmark do I have? I don't know what you grew up with.
He ends up saying nothing, not immediately.
Nancy huffs. "You don't have to tell me. It's fine."
Tyler isn't avoiding telling her; it's that his thoughts are drowning her out. What does he even say?
Nancy keeps staring at him. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine," he mutters, before finally remembering to be a person. "I just don't know how I'm meant to answer you."
"I dunno. Like I said, you don't have to. I'm just curious. Like, they all act like it was some cult where everyone was inbred and insane."
"That's more true than it isn't," Tyler says. "I just- these assholes here act like I believed anything the cult said. Cults trick you into getting into them, but a lot of us didn't believe. We did when we were younger, because you believe anything when you're a kid, but I think most people honestly came to stop believing. Cults just- it's not about believing it, Nancy. It's control, you know? They controlled us all, and we were all born into it so we couldn't leave. We tried to run away once and it went kinda badly. I'm not a cultist. My dad was, he was there when it started, but I don't know if he even really believed it at the end or if he liked being in control. My mum and my brother and I, we were all just born there."
Nancy nods. "So it doesn't bother you that much when they make fun of you about it?"
Tyler sighs. "It bothers me. It's all true but it's stuff I don't want to be."
"It's not all true," Nancy says after a moment. "I know you're bi, but you're not actually a cultist like you said, and you're not inbred."
Well, people treat that like it means he would fuck his family, and not like it's a crime limited exclusively to his father.
"Most of it's true," Tyler corrects, but leaves it at that.
He could've said, yes I am.
The second time Tyler almost tells Nancy, it's 4AM and they're drunk, underage of course. It wasn't long after Kevin's death, and the hole in Tyler's heart hasn't shrunk- but he can carry it when he walks, at least. He finds distracting himself from it helpful. It's a bad idea, honestly, to drink when you want to forget, but Tyler was far more desperate for a modicum of peace than he was for his health.
The party they were at- it was probably fun, if you were there to talk to people, if you didn't carry that weight. Tyler doesn't really remember it. People talked, mostly. A few idiots danced on tables. Some other idiots got naked and streaked. It was funny to see people who pushed him around being so nice to him now. He doesn't think they even knew that his boyfriend had died. It was probably because he was hot now. Sometimes, he has dumb thoughts, things that shouldn't be a consideration, and aren't really, but come anyway: right now he's kind of angry that Kevin was barely around to appreciate how hot he'd gotten now that his face had sharpened and he'd shot up a foot. Girls at the party seemed to think it was everything, and Kevin wasn't here to appreciate it.
Even though the party was far behind them now. Nancy had to leave: her ex was there and it was awkward, and they avoided said ex for quite some time before it became too much. Tyler was down for whatever and didn't give a shit if they stayed or left. He didn't feel like explaining to the girl hitting on him that he was pissed off that his boyfriend died.
So they had walked to the creek that ran through Gem Varily, and now they sat with empty bottles staring at it. Tyler's ripping apart grass this time when Nancy mentions it. Not the secret Tyler keeps- not even close.
"Who was that girl?"
"Doesn't matter," Tyler says immediately. "It was pulling teeth talking to her."
"She seemed nice."
"She doesn't get it." Tyler tries to drink from a bottle that's empty. He didn't get drunk enough for this shit.
"Nobody really can," Nancy says cautiously. "I think I get it as much as anyone else can, you know? Which isn't a lot."
Why isn't she talking about her ex? Why is this about Tyler's issues? "I'm fine," he says. It makes sense with what he was thinking.
"I know you are," Nancy says. "Well, I know you're upset about something."
"At least you have reason to be upset," Tyler scoffs. "I don't. You're right, nobody gets it, but I know that. There's shit that's fucking up my life that I'll never be able to tell anyone because they won't get it because they didn't grow up there. Even people who did have a right to be disgusted by me. They should be disgusted, Nance, not sitting there looking at me like I'm something beautiful, I'm- my existence is a fucking crime against God."
She leans in close. She's beautiful, too, but not like Kevin; nobody can be like Kevin. "No it isn't, Tyler. Just because your parents suck doesn't mean you do."
"I should never have been born," is all he can tell her.
He doesn't get further than that. Doesn't say because my parents shouldn't be my parents. Doesn't tell her what crime his dad committed, exactly. He cries too much for that. Maybe he wasn't just upset that Kevin wasn't there.
And the third time was during the final year of high school. Exams were on everyone's mind, and Nancy sat at the foot of Tyler's bed, unable to focus in her own house, staring at a laptop screen filled with words that Tyler knew were making her head swim- because she kept gazing around the screen aimlessly. Which Tyler knew because he wasn't reading his textbook.
Eventually, she asks, "weird question, but have you ever been to jail?"
"What? For like a crime?"
"No, I mean to visit." She looks up at him. "Did you ever visit your dad?"
Tyler shakes his head. "Nope." He overpronounces the P. "Hate him too much."
"That's understandable. I don't need to know anything about it, it's just- I'm reading about jail sentences for BAL and I'm curious what it's like."
"Well," Tyler says, "never been. Sorry."
Nancy shrugs. "That's fine."
And later: "does your mum go?"
Tyler looks up at her and she's making eye contact. He swallows. "Why?"
"Well, I know she's married to Saxon, but wasn't she married to your dad for like, years and years? Or did she always hate him?"
Tyler's mouth is dry when he says, "they weren't married. She hates him less than I do, but I couldn't tell you why."
Nancy tilts her head. "I thought it was like, Uber-Christian. And they let her live with a man she wasn't married to? Or do you just mean wasn't legally married?" She sits up. "Oh, did he have multiple wives?"
Tyler carefully thinks through his answer.
"They were Christian, but it's not like he followed the rules. He fucked whoever he wanted to, whether they wanted to or not."
He doesn't address the fact that they lived together unmarried; hopes she doesn't ask for clarification on why. Because if she does, he has no answer but, because she's his daughter.
And the fourth time Tyler nearly tells Nancy that his mother is his father's daughter, she asks him what secret Scarlett could tell Colby that might ruin things- if Carol had told her.
And he says, "nothing you know."
And she says, "what do you mean, nothing I know?"
And he says, "my mum could tell Scarlett that her kids are by her own father, that's what."