Tyed - Chapter 60: Chapter 60

In four days, Tyler's mother organised to invite Tyler over to "discuss things". Tyler only asked if Scarlett was going to be there, and his mother said that yes, she was. Presumably, this whole awkward discussion was meant to take place then.
Tyler asked Colby to come with him that day. He didn't tell him that he knew for a fact Scarlett was going to be there. He didn't tell Nancy about this decision either. He told himself he was making the correct decision, that truths would simply have to unveil themselves. As far as Colby knows, his mother's asked to see him and he doesn't know why, so he'd like the moral support. It's not even a lie, Tyler tells himself. It's just an omission. Forgetting to mention the one thing that would make Colby question his whole motivation and perhaps not want to go.
That night, Kali stayed, slept in his room, or so Tyler assumes; he wasn't there. He stayed and watched a movie, and then took two trams and showed up on Colby's doorstep. He gave him a little warning, technically asked, but he was halfway there before Colby said he was fine to come over.
And Tyler was kind of expecting something along the lines of what he was told to expect from Colby on day one. He expected to be in that bedroom intended just for sex, to do some kinky shit- but that was the next morning. He was tied up and fucked hard the next day, it's not like that didn't happen at all, but that night, he and Colby cooked dinner together and got to talking, talked for hours, such that eventually they were just too tired and went to bed- Tyler just sleeping in Colby's own bed like it was nothing. They talked about anything and everything, and the thing about that is that it really was everything; they discussed life philosophies and how morality should work, and in the next breath argued about whether tomatoes were better raw or cooked (and Tyler maintains that Colby is a heathen for just straight up eating them).
And Tyler noticed something in that conversation, noticed something in those words. Tyler said at one point that he'd never left the country, and Colby told him in what seemed like all seriousness that he'd have to come with him on his next business trip, or if they could swing it in Tyler's uni holidays they could go anywhere in the world. And once he noticed it, Tyler didn't stop noticing it. We should go to this restaurant. We should go skiing in the winter. We should, we will. Colby didn't hesitate for a second to assume he and Tyler were going to be together for some time. He wasn't hesitating for a second to invest in their future.
It wasn't like it was an accident, because he did hedge his bets once. He mentioned kids, he said, "if I do have kids again"; not assuming. Not assuming Tyler was okay with that or wanted that. No slip of the tongue. It wasn't like he was saying we and being general; but it also didn't seem like he noticed he was doing it. He just assumed they were going to be together for some time, but kids weren't quite on the table- at least, not until Tyler said so.
And for a moment, Tyler considers what it might be like, if he stays. Would they get married? That felt so very fake. He lets himself imagine it as he's showering the next morning; suits, family, dancing. It seems stupid. Neither of them have a lot of family; who would even come? Trey would be his best man, he supposed. He used to imagine what Kevin would look like getting married; he'd wear the white shirt and the black vest, but his jacket would come off, so would the tie, and his sleeves would be all rolled up; he'd smoosh the cake in Tyler's face.
Colby, well, if his family- whatever existed of it- if they were there, if they were watching, Colby would probably be very careful. He'd keep all the dust off his suit, and well, his wife- Tyler can't imagine Colby at this public wedding marrying a man- he'd keep his hands off her. He imagines Scarlett angrily cutting a cake with shaking hands she's trying to conceal in those dumb gloves of hers. Then he imagines his mother standing next to her instead of Colby, and he sighs.
Now, if nobody was watching- if it was just Tyler, just Colby- Tyler imagines him dancing. He imagines them dancing together, sleeves rolled up and chests together, Tyler leaning his head on Colby's shoulder. He can hear Nancy giving some kind of speech; he can hear Colby laughing, can see him hiding his head in embarrassment at some story being told. He can see his smile as he says vows with a genuine voice, meaning them.
Tyler's heart hurts.
When he gets out of the shower, Colby's getting dressed, and Tyler asks, his voice airy, "who was the best man at your wedding?"
Colby pauses. Tyler sees him freeze for just a second. "Scarlett's parents basically orchestrated the whole thing," he says slowly. "It was her brother. My brother was a groomsman, at least."
"Would you have picked him for your best man, if you could?"
Colby shrugs. "I've never really thought about it. I'm not going to lie, I didn't like the wedding I did have."
"Why not?"
"It was so loud, so expensive, and it just felt wasteful and forced. Everyone was acting. Nobody was happy. Scarlett's mother was adamant about every detail and you could feel the hatred she had for everyone involved."
Tyler tries not to give away the little information he already knows about Scarlett's family. "Shitty in-laws?"
"They were pretty ridiculous," Colby smiles wryly. "Overbearing as hell. I think Scarlett would've been a lot more bearable of a person had her parents been a little more relaxed, you know? Anyway, the wedding was awful. Scarlett had a certain dress in mind, but she wasn't allowed to buy it because it showed her shoulders and her mother said that was slutty. I had to wear a tie, because apparently if I wore a bowtie that was gay and no better than her daughter marrying a lesbian."
Oh boy, did Tyler have news for Scarlett's mother. "Are all rich people that weird?"
"Some of them. I think rich and Christian is a bad combination." Colby eyes Tyler sideways. "Why are you asking about my wedding?"
Tyler blushes. He doesn't have a good lie. "I don't know. I was just thinking about it. My- my brother said he'd have me as his best man if he ever got married, yeah, I think that's what got that question in my mind."
Colby nods. "If I got to choose my best man? Probably Sev, I suppose. He's basically my brother. Although if I got married again, it would absolutely have to be on my terms, you know? And, of course, you know, my spouse." See, that was careful. He avoided that one, avoided saying you- and you could hear that he had to think about his words.
"What would you want it to be like?"
Colby's still half dressed, his shirt not yet buttoned, but he comes to sit down on the bed, next to Tyler. "Well, I don't really consider marriage much related to love anymore, so it would kinda just be... preferably, a small thing. Somewhere private, intimate I suppose. Close friends and whatever family existed on their part, plus my brother and his wife. I wouldn't want it to be formal, or traditional, or basically anything at all like my last one."
Tyler gently leans on Colby's shoulder, and nods; and Colby says, almost cautiously, "what do you think?"
"If I got married?"
"Yeah."
Tyler shakes his head. "I dunno if I can see myself getting married. I've always felt like that's for- like that's for real people, you know?" Tyler blinks as he realises just how much truth he's admitting inadvertently. Oh well; this is either endgame or it's about to implode. That's how Tyler views it. Although he simply can't imagine endgame- it must implode. "I don't feel like I'm someone who could. But if I could- if I did- I see it being much the same, you know? I just want people I know there, and I don't want any of that shit either." Tyler swallows. "For what it's worth."
There's a second of silence that Tyler almost stumbles to fill before Colby says, "you're a real person."
Tyler looks up at him and realises how close he is, the way he's staring what feels like deep into Tyler's soul. Like he sees him, the tiny shuddering kid who's barely even there.
"What?" Tyler says, his voice suddenly broken.
Colby put his hand on Tyler's leg, and Tyler's breath catches. He feels like his raw heart his being held, and he trusts Colby to hold it, as he says, "you're a real person, you know. You can want anything you want, you can be anything. You're not different. You deserve a life, too."
Tyler can't answer that. There's just no thought that can form in response to those words. He can't even properly comprehend them.
"I know- I know you're worried about telling me something," Colby says. "I know. But we burnt a house down together before we even met. There's darkness in your life, I know that. Nothing's going to change anything important for me."
So rarely is someone that open and direct with you.
So rarely is it as easy as it would be to tell him the truth.
Instead, Tyler swallows.
"It's just the one thing," he says instead, "this one stupid thing I'm having trouble saying."
"I know," Colby says quietly.
"I will," he promises, "I will say it. And I hope I can hold you to that."
Colby nods, kisses Tyler once; just once. A promise sealed.
Well, right now it's not the only secret Tyler's keeping. It's more of a concealed lie than a secret: everyone is about to be under one roof, and everything is going to explode.
Maybe he won't have to say a thing. Maybe he'll lose everything and be back to square one and he'll be back in the comfortable hell he knows, the hell he can navigate.
Colby's wrong. When he says Tyler's a real person, when he says Tyler can be anything, have anything. Tyler can't have anything real; it'll end. Tyler will blow it up, whether he wants to or not.
——
When Tyler dated Lachlen, he liked him. It's easy to say that. He can even say with a lot of certainty that he had romantic feelings for him. He was cute and kind, they shared a lot of similar interests on the surface. Lachlen liked to listen to Tyler talk. Lachlen had a lot of knowledge about things and Tyler liked to hear him explain them. He was shy, but Tyler didn't really mind. He used to do this cute thing where he'd pull his sleeves over his wrists. Kevin was dead, and Tyler didn't cry about it every single night anymore- just once or twice a week- and so when someone shouldn't have told Tyler that Lachlen had a crush on him but they did it anyway, Tyler asked him out.
And for a while, it was good. Good enough. They made a good pair. He wasn't Kevin, but Tyler was numb and getting number. He had convinced himself he was okay, convinced himself he could move on. He could hold Lachlen's hand in public; he could kiss him. And it wasn't like Kevin. It also wasn't like Kali, it wasn't like it was nothing. Like, it was nice. But it was just nice.
Still, Tyler enjoyed his time with Lachlen. He enjoyed talking all night; he enjoyed going on dates together. Lachlen was sensitive, he was aware that Tyler had lost a boyfriend, even though it was months and months ago now, and he let it happen slowly. He didn't push, didn't demand. At times Tyler wished that he did just so Tyler wouldn't have to worry about whether he wanted this or not- because if Lachlen took it, it wouldn't be Tyler's decision. He wouldn't have to try and figure out what he wanted.
Lachlen was too nice. There's this itchy feeling that went up Tyler's spine every time Lachlen brushed his lips gently; every time his grip was light and careful, Tyler had to keep his eyes open to keep in the present. It wasn't easy to say that felt too much like the shaking grip of an older man who was almost too bored with this to put much effort into it, and you'd think, you'd think that would make him stop, wouldn't you? You think he'd have enough one day and give up. And you'd think Tyler could shove him away if he hates this so much. You'd think hating something would make you stop doing it, but when Lachlen asked if he was okay Tyler would nod and wait for it to be over.
Was Lachlen not getting the hint that Tyler was broken? He started to make jokes where the punchline was how ridiculous it would be to tell Tyler he loved him; where the joke was that Lachlen wanted to say it but couldn't get the words out. Did he not get that Tyler couldn't love anymore? He once said Tyler had his heart, like Tyler had a heart to give anymore, like it wasn't dead, like he hadn't left it on Kevin's bedroom floor, like he hadn't lost it the moment Kevin hung. Tyler acted and he played, he pretended, and you'd think that being bored of something would make you stop doing it, but humans love patterns, we crave the routine, we go back to letting people touch you when you'd rather die and promising you love someone with all the vigour of reality when you don't.
Did Lachlen not get the hint? Did he get the hint when Tyler got cornered by the student teacher and ended up fucking her in the school bathrooms? Did he get the hint when one of the year eights heard and told their friends and the rumour spread through the whole school? Did he get the hint when they were confronted with the rumours and obviously Tyler denied it at first, but Lachlen could tell he was lying? Clearly he didn't get the hint, because he couldn't tell that Tyler had been lying before. He couldn't tell that Tyler had massively been lying about everything the whole time and Tyler was a horrible, massive liar.
And they said they broke up as friends, but really they just stayed in the same group and only kinda talked when they had to- and then they stopped talking. Because Lachlen never actually got the hint.
The hint being that Tyler isn't a real person in any way that matters. He certainly isn't a person that anyone can expect to love, because if they love him they're going to be disappointed.
Humans love patterns, and Tyler just can't get enough of ruining everything that's ever brought him any kind of joy. That's for real people.