Tyed - Chapter 61: Chapter 61

It's weird, the days leading up to it, because Tyler feels like he's lying even more than usual. There's this odd weight, right in the centre of his chest. It's like there's this little black ball of something insidious and venomous that's taken hold between his sternum and his heart and it's beginning to eat him. Supposedly anxiety, if all his other symptoms are to be believed- the way he shakes when he looks Colby in the eyes, the way his heart doesn't seem to want to settle down. He can't laugh or smile without it feeling forced and faked. His mind always circles back to thoughts of blaming himself. For what? Doesn't matter. It's his fault.
And it's constant, this feeling, in every conscious moment, except the moments where he's fucked out too much to think. Which is why he keeps asking Colby for those moments, and Colby can tell something is wrong, but when he tries to ask Tyler just dodges the question because sooner or later it'll burn down, he can burn this feeling out, and nothing will matter anymore.
It's comfortable, this constant pain. Not because it's actually comfortable but because Tyler is used to it. It wore him down throughout most of high school. It's like an old friend in many ways. It was always there for him; he knows it well, is comfortable spending time with it. Here's the very thing he always wanted but this old friend has always told him he didn't deserve it and didn't need it, and sure that's not a great friend, but it's a voice Tyler is so used to listening to that he almost tunes it out and lets those thoughts get down to his soul.
Until, of course, the day he's meant to go. He can barely get out of bed that morning. He regrets sleeping in his own bed; maybe if he woke up next to Colby, the need to continue acting, to play boyfriend and pretend everything was okay, maybe that would override the overwhelming desire to just fucking go back to bed. Or, alternatively, die. Just die. Go spend the rest of eternity with Kevin in hell.
But Nancy comes in fifteen minutes after Tyler's alarm goes off. "You getting up?" she asks, knowing full well what day it is and what that means for Tyler.
"Don't just barge in. I could've been jerking off."
"No you couldn't have been." She doesn't bother to take him seriously. "Get out of bed."
"You're not my mother."
"You have often referred to me as your sister, so same thing." That pulls him to at least turn over to glare at her, and she looks taken aback. "Too far?"
"I don't know. I just don't wanna get up."
She sits on the edge of his bed. "Wanna call Colby  and your mum and pretend you're suddenly vomiting and can't do it today?"
"One, that's not gonna work, and two, I'll have to do it one day. I wish I didn't do this to myself."
"Well, you certainly didn't have to do it all at once, but you're here now. You know, I had an essay in philosophy recently-"
"You're gonna help me with the words of dead white assholes?"
"No, I'm going to suggest a change in thought that has helped people before. You can't control your emotions and you can't control what happens to you. But you can control your actions, and you can control your thoughts. If you change how you think, it kind of changes your emotions."
"No, it doesn't."
"I said kind of. Besides, even if you can't control your emotions- you can control what you do, can't you?"
"How's that philosophy? You just told me to suck it up and get up anyway."
"It's stoicism. It's genuinely helpful. Or, how about this." She opens her eyes wide, holds her hands up like she's about to explain something world-changing. "Ooh. Want a therapy tip instead?"
"I've been to therapy. Didn't help."
"Look. I'm trying to help you get out of bed despite how you feel. The feeling isn't going to go away. Nothing you do is going to numb it, okay? But if you pretend you're okay, sometimes that works."
"I'm not sure that's a good plan either," Tyler sighs. "I'll stick with the stoicism. I can get up, I guess."
Nancy gives him her hand, which makes him get up faster than he necessarily wanted to, but he lets her pull him up. When you feel sad and sick, you don't remember it as being as bad as it is in the moment. Maybe that's why Tyler is convinced he's never felt this shit in his life. He's sure he must have. He just can't recall a dread quite like this with the clarity and sharpness that he feels it with in this moment.
"So," Nancy asks softly, "what exactly is the plan?"
Tyler sighs. He doesn't feel like his insides exist anymore- there's just an emptiness, a black hole that manages to say words, like computer code, input question and output answer. "Colby is going to pick me up. We're going to drive to my mother's house. Colby had no idea that Scarlett is going to be there. Hopefully, we learn the god damn truth. Or something kills me before I get there."
"It's not to late to tell him the truth in the car," Nancy says with a shrug, like it's easy, like it's nothing. "You don't even have to totally tell the full truth, you can cover your ass and just warn him so he won't be pissed off. Hey, turns out my mum knows Scarlett and I asked to talk to them both, apparently that's today, I didn't realise."
"Try listening to what you just said." Tyler stares at her blankly. "Besides, that contradicts what I've already lied about. I said my mum wants to talk to me and I don't know why so I want him to come with me for backup."
"And your mum's not going to go along with the lie?"
"Probably not. I suppose I could ask her to, and she might, but... I don't think it's going to last very long when things get heated. The truth will slip out."
"So say you just found out why and ask if he still wants to go or some shit. I dunno, man. It sounds like you don't want to lie."
Tyler takes a deep breath and it shudders in his empty chest. "It hurt badly enough to lie the first time."
Nancy tilts her head, the gentlest of smiles on her face. "Aww. So tell the truth then. Admit you were too scared to tell him outright and he probably won't be that mad."
"Anyone would be mad that they're being tricked into talking to their ex-wife."
"Not if you admit remorse. Or at least, he won't consider it as badly as he would if you don't."
Tyler says nothing to that. Because he knows she's right and he hasn't the slightest clue how to face it. Admit the truth? That's harder than giving up, running away, or just...
Kevin's life is pretty easy right now. It sounds kinda tempting on occasion. He's got no pain in front of him.
Nothing good, either, he reminds himself, thinking of Colby's unnaturally yellow eyes and the way Tyler's heart thuds when that gentle gaze catches him when he least expected it. He'll also never feel happiness again.
And Tyler just wants to feel that joy forever. Or at least to have a chance.
"I'll tell him the truth," Tyler says suddenly. "As far as I know it. And let's hope this doesn't blow up in my face."
Nancy smiles something soft. "Glad to hear it, bud. Get dressed. And probably shower."
Which Tyler does, ever step of the way doubting his decision and wondering if perhaps he would've been better off continuing to lie. He likes to stop himself from thinking, because being entangled in these thoughts just makes the pain behind his sternum even more noticeable than before. The shower fucking sucks, and even when Tyler turns the heat to full blast it doesn't burn quite enough. It doesn't absolve him of his sins.
Maybe fire was a comforting thought long before a boy with fire for hair lit up a forest so that he and Tyler could escape, because the yelling in the church that always made little sense and went on for hours promised him that the wicked would burn. And wickedness was all around him. The gentle way of holding his chin and whispering soft words was evil incarnate, as if scooping out his insides and ripping apart all innocence and hope of a normal future would be okay if it was asked nicely of him. The bruises he saw on his friends and brother, and not so rarely inspected on his own skin, those were not, would never be, uncruel; unless, of course, his own wickedness whispered, they were asked for.
Many priests would look at the way he cradled his boyfriend's body, with every drop of hope he had that he would still be alive, crying so much he was blind and grabbing like if he let him go that would be the killing blow- they would look at that and call wickedness; say he deserved it. Maybe he did. Maybe those flames would cleanse him one day.
But really, as long as his father burned too, all would be well.
He comes out of the shower with his skin flushed from heat, looking like a lobster, and barely notices. The tram to Colby's house is empty. He forgets to put headphones in and just sits in the silence. He forgets to eat, doubts he's even hungry. It hardly matters.
"Fucking hate being in love," he mutters to himself on his boyfriend's doorstep, because he is already in pain long before this falls apart.
Colby answers the door unassumingly, dressed like he was ready for work but a tad lazy today. His sleeves are rolled up to his elbows and Tyler wishes he could just stare at his arms instead of doing this bullshit.
Colby says something Tyler doesn't hear. Tyler asks, "Huh?"
Colby shakes his head slightly. "How are you, Tyler? You don't look particularly enthused."
Explanations die on his tongue. "I'm not."
"It can only be so bad," Colby says with a little knowing smile that knows absolutely fucking nothing. Tyler gets the urge to punch him. He has no idea how bad it can get.
"That bad is nightmarish," Tyler says, and when you really think about it that's all the truth Colby needs to know. What does it matter if Tyler's aware that Scarlett's gonna be there, when there's a good chance she could be there and he have no idea? "I've gotta warn you of just how bad it's going to be."
"What do you mean?" Colby leans on the door. His face is angular and built for suspicion, but when he looks at Tyler all Tyler sees is this open compassion and now he kinda wants to vomit. Tyler feels like a poison, like everything about him is venomous, he is a parasite and Colby is the host he's draining life and energy from. Parasites are to be purged of, cured. Parasites should die.
"My parents don't know you're coming," Tyler ends up saying. And what a good parasite he is; knowing full well the one thing he should mention, he lies, and it slides off of his tongue so easily, fits so perfectly well into the outside world, and Colby believes him. He shakes his head and sighs.
"Oh, I'm sure it'll be awkward," Colby admits. "But how bad could it possibly be? Realistically, perhaps an argument? Then we can just leave. If something happens, we'll just get out of there and forget it ever happened."
Tyler wants to get out of there before they even leave. What's that feeling, that crushing on his chest that's not allowing him to breathe? What's that gaping hole in his mind that thoughts are falling through, disappearing into the black hole in his chest? Whats that itchy ache on the inside of his ribs that he can't quite reach, can't quite ignore, can't quite forget?
"You're right," Tyler says, because he doesn't know what else to think. "Just promise me something."
"And what's that?"
"That you mean it. No matter what happens, we can just leave and forget it happened."
Colby clearly doesn't fully understand what he's agreeing to when he says, "I promise," and seals it with a kiss.
And they ride in silence most of the way. Colby ends up putting music on. Tyler tries not to cry. It's only on his street that something jump-starts his heart, and he says, in a panic, "I forgot something." It's a half-truth. It was in the back of his mind the whole time- the words themselves just didn't come to the front to be said.
"We're not going back," Colby says coolly. No, he doesn't get it. No. How does he tell him? How does Tyler say it?
"No, I- I forgot to tell you something. It's important." Tyler can see his parents' house now, up around the bend. His lungs can't get enough oxygen.
"I promise it's okay," Colby says, almost absentmindedly, focusing on driving around a parked car; until he looks at that car for a second too long, and Tyler can't move. Why did he do this?
Instantly in front of his eyes he can see a better past: he could've sat down with Colby, explained the phone call, told him he knew it was unlikely but it could be proven today. Colby would've come. He would've believed him. And even if he didn't it would be better than the confusion that's now riddling Colby's face- and the underlying anger.
"It's not," Tyler mutters, and he watches out of the corner of his eye as Colby parks with this blank anger on his face, and says nothing.
He stares at the rear view mirror for a moment, and says calmly, "why is Scarlett here?"
So he did recognise her car. "That's what I didn't tell you."
"Why would you not think to tell me this? I think it's pretty fucking important, Tyler."
Excuses bubble up. "Because I didn't think you'd actually believe me," Tyler mutters. "And then I meant to tell you, I just..."
Colby doesn't look at him, doesn't say anything. So Tyler bumbles on. "I didn't know how to say it, so I kept putting it off. I mean- would you have believed me? If I had said Scarlett was going to be here today?"
"Do you know why she's here?" Colby asks evenly. Evenly doesn't mean calmly. It means with a kind of dry anger that puts Tyler at the edge of a precarious cliff.
"Yes," Tyler answers before his mouth goes dry.
"And?" Colby pushes, and he finally looks at Tyler and god, his eyes are piercing, they hurt right this moment. "Why, then?"
"I don't think you'll believe me," Tyler manages to force between his lips. "It's- it's weird."
"Weird? Well, it's sure as fuck weird that she even knows your mother, let alone is at her house. At this point any explanation will fucking do. I just want to know why you think she's here."
Tyler puts his head in his hands. "I think they're fucking," he mutters into his hands.
"Excuse me?"
Tyler removes his hands. "I said I think they're fucking. Well, I think they're dating, like, it's romantic, but."
Colby's head hits the back of his seat. "Is that seriously the reason you think she's here?"
"Yes. Literally yes. I told you you wouldn't believe me."
Colby sighs long and deep. He's silent for far too long. "I'm sure," he says after a moment, "that there is some explanation that makes sense. That one, admittedly, makes absolutely no fucking sense. Especially since I was under the impression that Scarlett was trying to get back together with me. And now you mean to tell me she's actually with your mother?"
"I don't know any more than you do right now," Tyler promises him, just thankful he doesn't seem so mad anymore. "I'm not actually sure that they're together. But it seems like the case from what my mum said. I don't know, I'm hoping we'll get some answers today."
Colby sighs again. "Fine. Let's go inside."
Tyler's a tiny bit happy that that didn't blow up in his face. But the solidarity that should be there is gone, and that's not a good sign for what's to come.