Tyed - Chapter 63: Chapter 63

Trey sits on the grass in their parent's meagre backyard, slightly rocking back and forth. It's a well-known signal to Tyler; that Trey is trying very hard not to show emotion he's not "allowed" to show. Usually sadness, anger, pain.
"What's up, dude?" Tyler says, slightly quieter than his normal voice. He wouldn't say Trey jumps, so much as freezes for a split second and then begins to rock again. Ever so slightly, almost unnoticeably. Trying to hide that he's trying to hide things. Like he's meant to be emotionless and must maintain that image. Tyler knows the feeling; but in his teenage years he managed to turn it all into fuel for rage. He's not sure if that's actually better.
Trey shrugs.
Tyler sits down beside him. "I'm sorry."
Trey just shakes his head, not quite up for words as of yet, it seems.
"I didn't realise you were going to be here," Tyler says instead of trying to figure out what Trey meant. "I wish everyone wasn't angry."
"A-" Trey bites his lip around the word, restarts, tries again. "A-are you?"
"Am I what?"
"Angry."
Tyler closes his eyes and tries to think about it. Yeah, there's restlessness in his chest. And a lot of it's anger, he thinks; anger at his mother for lying, Scarlett for not just leaving them alone, even Colby for being angry. There's also the anger that's always there, the injustice that he couldn't have been born somewhere calm and easy to parents who had the time and heart to love him completely. Life isn't fair, no, that Tyler knows better than anything; but that doesn't stop him from being angry.
But he's not just angry. He's afraid, because right now he's falling. He's risking losing the only thing that's made him feel anything more than mild appreciation since Kevin hung himself and he's just walking away instead of trying to save it. Is he even capable? Does he have the ability to fight for what he wants, fight for what he loves?
He didn't fight for Kevin. Or did he? Does it matter? Would Kevin have been saved if Tyler tried harder?
Follow up question: can Colby still have a chance to love him by the end of the day, or is there not a single thing Tyler can do by this point to save this one good thing?
"Tyler?"
Tyler opens his eyes. "A little bit," he says. He's never ever had a reason to lie to Trey; hide things, maybe, to save Trey from trouble, but the thing about Trey that's so great is Tyler doesn't have to censor himself. And that's why he adds, "but I'm also afraid."
"Why?"
Tyler swallows. "Do you know who Scarlett is?"
Trey shakes his head.
"She used to be married to Colby. I really like Colby, and I don't want him to leave me. But Scarlett might want him to. There's other reasons he could leave me, too."
Trey takes a moment before saying, "she- he, Colby, he- he seems like, like he likes you. Why- why would Scarlett, why would- isn't she- Mum?"
Okay, so he knows some stuff. Trey's words are usually there, but when the ideas get complicated he mixes up the order a bit, skips a few- Tyler can barely keep it in his head and he's never gotten brain damage from congenital issues and being beaten within an inch of his life. So Trey's excused.
"It's confusing," Tyler says, and Trey nods with a little smile. "Scarlett and Mum might like each other. I think they do. And that's why it's so confusing. Even if Scarlett likes Mum and not Colby, I'm still worried he won't like me, you know? I've been kind of mean to him, and..." how does he put it into words? Should he? "...I'm worried he won't like me because of..."
Trey puts his arm around Tyler and pulls Tyler into a hug. "Because of- because of Mum and- D-dad." He mutters the words because they're against Tyler's ear, but still, Tyler's proud of him for saying it. Although- how did he-
"How'd you know that was what I was worried about?" Tyler asks, gripping Trey's shirt; Trey's always given strong, warm hugs, but this one's a little bit dampened by what Trey just said.
Trey shrugs. "It's- well, I didn't- I didn't tell you."
"Didn't tell me what, bud?" None of the panicked thoughts occurring to Tyler make any sense, none of them are logical conclusions to what Trey may be suggesting; but somehow they all end in Colby finding out, being disgusted, breaking up with him, abandoning him. Leaving him never able to love again. It feels catastrophic, somehow, like the end of the world, and in that moment Tyler's not sure he's capable of understanding that the world isn't going to end before the day is over.
"I- in high school," Trey says, "girls, they called me- remember?"
"You mean Coco?" Tyler remembers THAT incident. Wasn't nice. Trey tried to ask a girl out once, and there was that word, which hurt so much because it was accurate. She yelled it. She acted like him touching her would make her sick.
"Yeah," Trey shrugs. "That's- that's what they a-always said. It's got to be... bad, f-for them, right?"
Tyler sighs. "I talked to some people about it. They promised me it shouldn't matter to anyone who loved me. Coco was, and is, just a mean person, you know?"
"What if- what if it does matter, to- to most people?"
"I'm sure it does, to some people. But- well, it shouldn't, right? It's something wrong with your genes. Which can mean you're not as healthy, but it shouldn't matter to someone you're dating unless you have kids with them. Which- well, if Colby and I ever have kids, they won't be mine genetically, so it shouldn't matter."
"Will it?"
"Will it what?"
"M-matter."
Tyler shudders. "I hope not. But it might. Just because it shouldn't doesn't mean it won't."
Suddenly, the voice that responds to Tyler's words isn't Trey's. "Are you two coming back inside?"
Tyler's blood runs cold, and he turns around to meet Colby's yellow gaze. He leans on the doorframe; Tyler should've heard it open, but he must've been talking too much, forgetting where he is. Forgetting that if Colby heard what he was talking about, he was going to get a rude awakening. Tyler wouldn't even be able to put it nicely, wouldn't be able to carefully structure how it went, all this stuff he felt like he absolutely needed to do before he could tell Colby. It had to be perfect. And this wasn't perfect. Far from it.
"How long were you standing there?" Tyler asks, and it comes out more of a squeak than he perhaps intended.
"Not very long," Colby says, mysteriously vague about the details. His arms are crossed; Tyler has a vague sense that's not good. But if he's figured it out- his reaction simply can't be this diluted. Tyler has hope. "Come back inside, please. At least you, Tyler. Trey, it depends on whether you want to hear this."
"W-what?"
"It depends on whether you-"
"-want to hear the argument," Tyler interrupts, because he knows what his brother means better than Colby does. "It might be hard emotionally, but you'd understand what's going on a bit better."
Trey shrugs. "Um- maybe?"
"You want me to leave you out here for a bit?"
Trey nods, and Tyler gets up to follow Colby inside. Somehow, even though it's far too subtle of a movement for Tyler to be really sure it's intentional, Colby seems to turn away from him, just ever so slightly. Tyler swallows back his fears, as if that'll work, and does his best to make his way back into everything.
Scarlett stops whatever she's saying when she sees Tyler. He doesn't know what he expected, peace? No. He feels like he's just decided to casually swim in a pool of piranhas.
"Oh good, you're back," Tyler's mother says. "I'm going to need your help here."
"He's not going to-" Scarlett argues, but Carol puts her hand up, and it looks almost like fear on Scarlett's face.
"Why do you think Scarlett is trying to get Colby back?" Carol asks, clear and distinct.
"He's just jealous-" Scarlett tries to say, and Tyler answers just to shoot her down.
"There was one time," Tyler says, talking over Scarlett, "where she met me outside of Colby's office and threatened me. But before that-"
"Threatened you? I would never-"
"Look, I don't remember what you fucking said. But you wanted him back and you were mad I was with him. You said you loved him."
"That's in line with what I remember," Colby adds, arms crossed.
It's hard to say who looks worse for wear right now. It's easy to say Saxon looks the most okay, although his head is in his hand and he's staring determinedly at the wall from the couch, like he wishes he could be anywhere but here. He's only really here by coincidence, caught in the crossfire. Colby's arms are crossed and he's radiating dry anger like he's about to start throwing punches any moment. He's second best. Tyler feels like his chest is going to collapse in on itself from the weight of the world and the ache in his bones; he may cry. He's third best.
Tied for worst are the two women. Scarlett is clutching her chest, still in those stupid gloves, her hair's come out of its nice plait and is falling around her face, almost obscuring the red of her eyes and face; Carol on the other hand is shaking, in what seems to be both anger and fear.
"Let's be fucking clear," Tyler asks a suddenly silent room, "what the hell is going on?"
Behind him, Tyler hears the closing of a glass door as Trey enters with a light step.
"I don't know," Scarlett mutters under her breath. Slowly, louder, "I don't know. I don't know."
"I just want to know what you were thinking," Carol asks, oddly quiet, "why you said-"
"I don't know, I don't know," Scarlett keeps muttering, beginning to somehow draw further in on herself. "I don't know I don't know I don't-"
Tyler sighs. "Take a deep breath," he says quietly, "and take a moment. We can wait."
"No we-" his mother starts, but it's actually Colby who shushes her.
"Give her a god damn minute," Colby says. Tyler feels a hand on his shoulder and wonders if perhaps the tide has turned and Colby's not so angry anywhere. He hopes with all his heart.
And Carol sighs, turning away. She looks at Tyler, but he refuses to make eye contact with her; mostly because he doesn't know what she's trying to express and he doesn't want to know. He just looks at the ground, begging for this to be over. For everything to be laid out clearly and never interfere with anything again. He can see a path out, now: he can see Colby understanding why he did what he did, taking Scarlett completely out of the equation in their relationship, moving forward with nothing more in their path. Fate seems to pull their strings and sew them together; Scarlett is not sharp enough to pick those stitches apart.
Tyler's reminded, though, in this moment- when she's standing on the brink of a panic attack, so it seems- that he's repeatedly seeing her as a force and not a person. He can't keep forgetting that she went through what Nancy went through. The thing he burnt a house down for. That even if she hadn't, who knows what's going on in her mind- except it's clear, so very clear from her face, that it's tumultuous. That she's not handling it well.
"Can I ask you a question, Tyler?" Scarlett finally says, and he's shocked to hear his own name.
"Yeah?"
"How do you- how does one, I suppose- how does one tell the difference between what you want, and what you've just been told to want? What you think you want?"
"Well, I mean, it's-" Tyler pauses. He was about to claim it was obvious, clearly; you want what you want. It's whatever feels good. But then he realises that for all his life he's done at least one thing he didn't want to do- that he was just told he wants to do. "Let me think."
He didn't fuck all the people be fucked because he enjoyed it, or because some intrinsic part of him wanted to. Immediately afterward he always felt sick, laying in a sort of static that eventually rose up to consume him; and he understood it to be a similar feeling from his childhood, when he was gently told what he wanted and what he liked from hands that only ever hurt him. He had thought of himself as an object of desire, and not an agent; he had thrown his own thoughts about what he wanted out the window. Simply chosen not to think. They say they want you, so do it. Don't think.
And afterwards, it wasn't like it only felt bad when it was something he didn't want. There were times when he sat in church and thought he shouldn't love Kevin, felt guilty, felt shame for it. On the odd occasion he felt that with Colby, sitting in his room wondering if that gaze Shouto gave him sometimes was proof he was a gross and disgusting person and shouldn't enjoy getting off on what he did. But in the moment, afterwards, in a vacuum, he knew. He knew so clearly.
"Well, I guess- it's hard to explain, but if you sit down and ask yourself, in a vacuum. If nothing else mattered. You can't just decide in a moment and you can't decide based on external factors, if that makes sense. You have to think about it like there's nothing else in the world and you have forever to decide."
"But there's so much else that matters," Scarlett says. Her voice is deadly quiet. "How are you supposed to seperate yourself from all of that?"
"Well," Tyler says, "if you think about your competing desires, right, which do you think you'd still want if-"
The reason he stops isn't because anyone interrupts him. Nobody's saying a god damn word. It's because he heard a sound.
And he almost doesn't stop speaking, because it's just a cough. Anyone can cough, sure. But then he processes it. He processes that it's long and drawn out and sick. But more importantly, he processes that it's not in this room, that he heard it through a wall.
There's someone else in the fucking house.