Tyed - Chapter 66: Chapter 66

Slowly, time becomes real again. Tyler becomes aware of his body burning; each breath more full of carbon dioxide, struggling for oxygen. He becomes aware of the sun inching down the horizon. He becomes aware of a street he only remembers in theory, a hill and its view giving him the only real clue of where he is.
His phone, in his jacket pocket, is still with him, but he can't look at it. He crouches on a sidewalk, breathing heavily, sweating through his shirt. Sweating out the pain. Some mother in leggings pushes a pram down the sidewalk across the road and stares at him. Why look at him? Nothing was there.
He looks up at the street name, the nearest big road. Junkyard Road. No, he does in fact know where this is, just because it was a funny name, because Lachlen always joked about how stupid of a place to live it was, said rent was cheaper here because nobody wanted to live on Junkyard Road. Did he come here on purpose? Did he come here because he had nowhere else to go?
Lachlen lived the other side of Gem Varily. Tyler hopes he still lives here. Because it's true. He's got nowhere else to go.
Tyler remembers Lachlen's house. There's this crushing weight on him, the weight of loss, and with the way that memory fades, like sunlight ruining a painting, he can't remember just how devastating it was to lose Kevin, he knows it felt so much worse than he feels right now; or at least, he knows it must have been. He feels like he has never felt heavier, like loss has never crushed him this much. He knows it must not be true. That does not make this crushing weight easier to deal with. He remembers Lachlen's house, knows where he's meant to be going. He just struggles to look up, to lay eyes on it, to focus his feet towards it. Now that he's stopped, he feels like all he can do is collapse. Don't look at his phone. Don't do it.
Instead, he leans on the fence of Lachlen's house. Stares up at his window. His curtains are closed. If those are even his curtains anymore. He probably lives with his fancy new boyfriend. He's probably happy. He's probably found what Tyler so badly wanted to believe he had, wanted to believe couldn't be ruined.
There's no moment where you're happy forever. Tyler knows that. Just like how antidepressants don't make you happy, they just give you the ability to experience happiness, Tyler knows that he wasn't going to be happy forever with Colby. But he knew he would be happy sometimes. He knew they'd argue and sometimes it would be boring and sometimes he'd hate Colby's guts. He knew a lot of it would be tedious and he'd sometimes wish he did other things. He knew that would happen no matter what he chose. He knows he's going to be bored and get into fights and feel like life is tedious now that Colby- well, Tyler's not ready to accept quite yet that it's ruined, but it feels like it, doesn't it? He's not going to get Colby back after this one, is he?
Point is, Tyler's going to be unhappy at some points of his life. But when's he going to be happy? He can't imagine it just about ever anymore.
Sometimes walking with Kevin at night was boring, or tedious, or they'd argue, or it would be sad or angry. But sometimes he was happy. Sometimes he was really happy. He didn't feel this aching loneliness or this need for the other half of his heart like he feels in this moment. Like he felt up until some not-quite-definable moment, some moment that slipped by him, changed him in a passing gust of wind and didn't think to let him know. When he fell in love with Colby.
When that hole is filled, that love isn't the only thing to make him happy. Going to the arcade, watching Nancy lose her shit at the machines; talking to Kali, in the silence they don't have to fill, making something small together. Getting a moment to himself in the cool evening, looking out at the sunset, or sipping a coffee. Those moments can be so quickly emptied when there's a hole of unrequited love, but they're full and warm and joyous when you aren't longing for someone you'll never have again.
Tyler will always love Kevin, but he can never have him again.
Now, he fears, he will always love Colby, but will never have him again.
A car pulls up beside him, and Tyler doesn't want to look up. He doesn't want to breathe anymore. Why is he here? What does he expect to come of this? What if Lachlen doesn't even live here anymore?
He's the first person to step out of the car, though. He's looking directly at Tyler, brow furrowed; Tyler forgets he's visible, forgets that the car pulling up would've been able to see him. Lachlen comes over to him, walking slowly like he might cause Tyler to run if he moves too quickly.
Tyler's surprised his voice works when he says, "you still live here?"
Lachlen shrugs, as his sister gets out of the car and vaguely waves in his direction. He doesn't have the energy to respond. "I'm here a lot," Lachlen says, not really answering his question as much as Tyler might like. "Why are you here?"
Tyler laughs. Why is he laughing? Nothing is funny. Nothing is ever going to be funny again. Tyler is doomed to an endless cycle of hating himself; falling in love and letting love tear him apart. Oh, this feeling; this pain is homely, this pain is familiar. This is what he is. He's made of longing and heartbreak. "Long story," he mutters.
Lachlen side-eyes him. "You've got a lot of long stories I've sat through before."
"I'm about a second away from-" no, can't admit that. Tyler shakes his head. "I was running. I kinda just ended up here. I think I knew I'd find you."
Lachlen raises an eyebrow. "Running from what, exactly?"
"Maybe it's fate," Tyler mutters, "maybe there's something you're supposed to help me understand."
"And what's that meant to be? I think I've helped you understand a lot," Lachlen mutters. "You helped me, I guess."
"Did I? Did I really?"
"Oh, sure. You know, I dunno if I ever loved you, but I now know you never loved me like I kinda thought you did- and now I can see who does love me like that. And you taught me a lot of math, if that counts."
Tyler shakes his head. He's got a massive headache. When did it get this bad? Other pain hurt so much more, he supposes. "I liked the way I loved you. It was easy, you know? Everything fucking hurts. Loving someone in the way I love... Kevin, is torture."
"Not if they love you the same," Lachlen tries, but Tyler shakes his head furiously.
"And what if they don't? Or you don't know? You sit there every day in that silence waiting for those words and that admission. And even when it comes, even when it goes both ways- you lose them. You lose them in little ways and then you lose them in big ones. Sometimes you don't even get them to love you back before you lose them. Sometimes it's all the worst pain you ever felt for- for nothing."
The little voice break at the end of his sentence is a lever that, when pulled, breaks his dam, sends a tear down his face, starts all of them. Lachlen stares at him, and after a moment opens his mouth to say, "this is about-"
Tyler doesn't let him finish. "Maybe it was meant to be you. It never hurt to love you, it-"
But as Tyler raises a hand towards Lachlen, Lachlen just grabs his wrist, gently, not even forcefully. And just shakes his head.
"You don't mean any of that," Lachlen says softly; it's almost loving, but not in the sense they're talking about. It's caring. It's wanting the best for Tyler, truthfully. "Tell me what happened."
Tyler feels like he's crying with more force, somehow. He shakes his head and turns away; he can't see anymore, and his sobs are starting to be audible. He's falling apart; hell is a place on earth and it's standing in Gem Varily knowing you're alone.
"Something happened with Colby," Lachlen fills, somewhat helpful, somewhat infuriating. "Okay. Let's take a moment to collect yourself and then talk to me, okay? Tell me what happened and I'll help you."
He can't help. The world has ended.
Tyler looks up to the sky and lets his tears blur it. He feels empty. There cannot be a human being here because a human being can function on their own. A human being does not need another person to live; only a parasite does.
"I need- I need- him," Tyler chokes out, clutching at his chest. "I- I- I can't be alone."
"I- I don't know for sure what's happened yet," Lachlen mutters, "but I'd bet you're not alone."
"I am," Tyler mutters. "He's never coming back."
"Did you- confirm this, or-"
"It doesn't matter. He's not coming back. He's not." At least Tyler's sobs have calmed and he can speak, even if his face is still red and hot. Everything about him is warm- from running, the warm night, the stinging heat on his cheeks. But he doesn't feel warm. He feels like he's been left out in the cold to die, locked out of a house and left in the woods. He would kill to be in Colby's bed tonight, warmed in his arms. Like a stray dog, kicked out of a foster home he foolishly believed would be forever.
"Right. Well. Look, I- I- have you actually talked to him?"
"I told you, he's not coming back, it-"
"No, listen to me for a second. You just went on and on about how much you love this guy."
"I didn't-"
"I said listen. You never loved me that much and you've known this guy like, two weeks, a month? Why don't you tell him how much you love him, huh?"
"How'd you know I haven't?"
"Because I know you." Lachlen sighs, leaning his head on Tyler's shoulder. "I bet he feels that way about you."
"If he did," Tyler mutters, "he doesn't, not anymore."
"That shit doesn't just go away. It's not easy to find. You feel it, you both know it, but it's the hardest thing in the world to just fucking say it. So just say it. If it's already broken there's nothing left to break."
If it's already broken there's nothing left to break.
Tyler is already broken. Nothing left to break. He can't break himself anymore.
"It won't fix it." Tyler is certain. "He knows."
"You told him you loved him?"
"No, I- I told him-" Tyler chokes on the thought. "He met- he met him."
There's a long moment of silence.
"Your dad?"
Tyler cries harder in response. Did he come here to try and do what he always used to do, distract himself, find someone else before it's even ended? It was a pathetic attempt. He couldn't even really hold the concept in his mind. Maybe there were other chances, in some other life, for someone else- but Tyler is in love again. As bad as he was six years ago, as bad as he was when Kevin slipped from his fingers like mercury, beautiful, but slippery and poisonous.
"Tyler, I can't tell you with any certainty how much he is genuinely bothered by this, because I don't know what happened. But if you feel half this strongly about him, just tell him, okay? Give it another try. Don't run this time. And if he's bothered by it, then fuck him, who cares, right? It'll be hard, I know, but you will recover. You'll still be alive at the end of it."
It's not a tempting proposition, to be asked to put himself first. He's not good at it. He only feels like a real person when he's with Colby. Maybe that's unhealthy. Maybe he's supposed to fix that.
But you know what? Tyler can be fucking stubborn. And he doesn't want to fix himself before finding Colby. He wants to get Colby back, and then he's going to fix himself, regardless. He's gonna do this shit his way.
He tries to hold onto that energy; the sudden anger, the sudden need to bend the world to be as he wants. Fuck the rest of the world. Fuck his dad, who would want him to lose this. Fuck it all. He's going to do it. He's going to fucking try.
"I owe you my life, Lachlen," Tyler says after a moment. "Can we be friends? Don't let me not talk to you again after this. I think I literally owe you my life."
Lachlen looks concerned at that, and tries to say something, but Tyler throws his arms around him for a half second, and then he runs.
He's running home. It's a long way, from Gem Varily to South Melbourne, but he's going to get there if it kills him.
Admittedly, this time he doesn't have the haze of grief to push him forward; and he's mostly running to get adrenaline out, and because he needs to get to Colby now, to fix it now, even knowing he won't. It's something emotional that makes him run, nothing logical; something physical, the itch in his bones that won't disappear.
Gem Varily doesn't have a train station. The closest one is an hour's walk. Tyler makes it maybe a third of the way there, half walking and half running, before his phone falls out of his pocket and hits the sidewalk.
He goes to pick it up, and the screen lights up in his hand with 19 missed calls from Colby. The most recent was twenty minutes ago.
"Fuck," Tyler whispers to himself, and suddenly he's forced to make a decision he recognised, in the back of his mind, he could have done, but did not want to do. Didn't want to face it just yet.
But he can't not do it.
He presses the singular button to call back.
He stares out at the road around him. Ring. There's just houses; Gem Varily is one of those suburbs where most houses look the same. Ring. He can see a dog at the window, carefully trimmed flowers in another house; he wonders which lives are as crazy as his. Ring. He wonders how crazy his life is, in the grand scheme of things. Ring. It's ringing out far more than Tyler would like. Ring. He sees the sun setting on the horizon and wonders how much time he's wasted. Ring. He wants to go home. He wants to see this sunset from Colby's window. He doesn't want to ever leave him. Ring. In this moment, Tyler can't see a future without him.
"You've reached Colby Blake. I'm unable to answer the phone right now, please leave a message."
Tyler wants to fucking kill himself. "So, uh. Sorry for, um- well, everything. I dunno." He coughs. This is going bad. He starts again. "Look, I dunno what to say. I- I didn't want to tell you I was a fucking freak of nature, right? 'Cause I liked you. Too much. More than I'm meant to after- god, it hasn't even been a full month, has it? What the fuck's wrong with me? I- look, just. I don't want to lose you. I've lost a lot by being stupid or unlucky or not trying enough, and I- I don't want to lose you. Please don't be disgusted with me," tears start to flow, and Tyler's voice cracks, and all he can think about is what Lachlen said. "Please, I- I love you and I don't want-"
The message beeps out and Tyler realises what he's said. His heart would have sunk if it was not in his feet. He throws without thinking, and his phone clatters loudly across the pavement. He's on the ground; he's kneeling, clutching at the concrete to keep himself straight. Time drags out in a long moment; where he sits, knowing he's done. There is nothing left to do. He can't move.
Laying on the concrete in Gem Varily, he is done. His life is over.
—-
He doesn't know how he can fall in love so fast. He's not sure when it happened, not really; maybe it was just chemicals in his brain, triggered by sex or proximity. Maybe love was nothing but a trick of the light.
But Tyler did know one thing. In that moment he met Colby's eyes, looking down at him from the floor above, he knew one damn thing, at least.
And that was that he wanted to chase this.
He's chased it as far as he can, and it has ruined him.