Tyed - Chapter 67: Chapter 67

2AM. Tyler is walking slowly, cold, down the side of the highway. He's most of the way home. Probably should've just fare-evaded, but once he's home he'll have to sit in the truth of the moment and he can't do that. He wants to collapse of exhaustion once he arrives. He needs to do that.
He's fiddling with his phone as he walks, somewhat aware that if he's not careful he'll walk into traffic; he can't do it on purpose, but he can't bring himself to care that much if it happens. It is what it is. He wants, in the back of his mind, to find a way through this, to make it okay. To come out alive. But that's deep beneath the pain and so extremely buried underneath the desire to end that pain.
The phone screen is smashed. Somewhat predictably, he admits. He threw it in a panic across the road. All the tiny shards that were sticking to his fingers have disappeared now, but now the screen that will turn on is mostly green lines for no reason he can discern, and it keeps making this weird noise. He's using what little focus he has to try and make his phone work again, and to try not to think about the fact that he wants it to work so he can see if Colby has responded. Part of him doesn't want Colby to respond. He doesn't want to face what he's said or what he's done. He wants to run. The good thing is, when that nerve kicks in, he can run, making off down the road towards home like his life depends on it- until he runs out of breath and has to stop, to walk again, to take his time. Which, in this cycle of pain, is also what he wants, as he doesn't want to ever reach home. He wants today to be not quite over forever.
Until he's running along the highway and drops his phone, again, and despite the fact it's basically a shiny rock right now, he stops to pick it up, just in case. Just in case.
And it's the case, and his heart stops. Something hit itself back into place, and despite the bottom half of the screen being a green and black mess, the top shows the time- and 6 missed calls, from, Tyler wants to say, Colby.
He presses the notification and feels his phone begin to buzz; in his ear, it rings. He stands, stock still, on the side of the road, waiting. Waiting for him to answer. Waiting for hope.
He didn't see the name. It could be Nancy, or his mother, or the fucking ATO or some shit. Well, not the last one at 2AM, but still. Could be a scam. Doesn't have to be Colby.
Click. "Oh, thank god. Where the fuck are you, Tyler?" Deep, melodious even when it isn't; held low in Tyler's chest.
He sounds... he guesses angry, which is weirdly upsetting, but Tyler has just enough wherewithal to kind of get that it's anger born from panic. Which he's not quite lucid enough to manufacture into hope.
"I'm walking home." Tyler's voice is so fucking hoarse. He doesn't know how to talk, what he planned on saying; he's lost any sense he had. He can't say anything else.
"Where- okay, but where are you? I'll come and get you. It's too late to be walking alone."
Tyler didn't think he had any tears left in his body, but they start to well up now, and he doesn't even know why until he says it. "Why?"
"Why is it too late to be- what has gotten into you?"
"No, why-" his sob is probably audible. "Why would you- c-come get me?"
Colby sighs. "Have you actually lost your mind, Tyler? Why wouldn't I come get you?"
He probably has. "What?"
"I have no idea what the fuck happened, why you've just disappeared. Clearly you're- clearly you're upset, but I don't really understand why you're this upset. Can you help me understand?"
"You- you don't know?"
"I know it bothered you to be around your dad. And I'm assuming- well, that's what you didn't want to tell me, wasn't it?"
"That I'm a f-fucking freak?"
"What? No. How would that ever be your fault? It's your dad who should burn in hell."
Burning in hell was too good for him. "But- but you- you looked so- so dis-disgusted."
"With him, holy shit, Tyler, did you think that changed how I feel about you? Fuck, well- god, that didn't even occur to me. No, Tyler, no. It's not your fault, there's nothing wrong with you. It's the kind of mindset someone would have to- to fuck their daughter that's horrifying to me. You're not your fucking parents, nobody is. There's nothing wrong with you."
Tyler feels like he's going to fall apart at the seams. It's unbelievable- and he isn't sure he can accept this truth, in case it falls apart. "You're- you're not-" did he hear the voicemail? What if he didn't? "You don't..."
Colby's low voice laughs; he actually laughs. "It's okay. It's- it's okay, Tyler. This is a crazy turn of events, but I- I'm just glad I've got you on the phone and you're, you know, relatively okay. Where are you? I'll come get you. Tell me where you are."
Tyler looks vaguely around, squints at the nearest green sign; it's hard to read through the blur of tears. But something has healed. Suddenly every problem in the world feels fixable. "I'm- I'm on the Monash."
"The fucking Monash? Like the freeway?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. I'm heading that direction right now. Get off the Monash- fuck's sake, you're gonna get hit by a car- and wait somewhere, anywhere. Just make it somewhere I can plug into a map. Is it busy?"
"Not- not right now."
"Great. Now get off the fucking road. Please."
"Are we gonna-" Tyler hiccups. "It can't- it can't be that-"
He stops, and Colby asks, "I'm sorry, what are you trying to say?"
"Why- why aren't you more mad?"
"I feel like I'm too mad, if anything. You're stressing me the fuck out and I just wanna know you're okay. If I seem mad it's because I've been trying not to panic for the last few hours. Well, I've been a bit better since I got your voicemail, but then I couldn't fucking call you again. Which, speaking off- what happened there?"
"What?" Tyler asks, as he spots an exit up ahead. He wasn't supposed to be able to get onto the highway in the first place, and he walks carefully on the side; yeah, Colby's kind of right, it's pretty dangerous here, huh?
He hears a car door slam faintly on Colby's side of the phone. "My calls after that went straight to voicemail. I assumed your phone died, but you're calling me now."
Tyler shrugs before remembering Colby can't hear a shrug. "I, uh. I threw my phone." His vision is clearing of tears a little; he finds himself laughing at the admission. There's the exit up ahead, the way out. "Dropped it again and it started working again."
"Well, thank god for that." Tyler doesn't thank god for anything; but he is glad, he does feel lucky. "Why did you throw your phone, Tyler?"
He feels interrogated and grits his teeth, feeling like Colby should know the answer; or at least, he should know not to ask him that question. "Because- because of what I said."
"On the- on the voicemail?" There we go. Perhaps Colby just couldn't imagine why Tyler would throw his phone at that; perhaps he's lacking the same kind of insanity.
Tyler sighs. "Yes. Wouldn't you?"
"No. I don't think you said anything particularly crazy, Tyler." Is that... or is he dense, again? "Just like I don't think it's particularly reflective of you, the relationship your parents have."
"Please stop- please stop not saying it." Tyler hates the sanitisation; the way Colby knows but won't say it. Both things. Like if he doesn't say it, it isn't real.
"What do you mean?"
"It's like, you're saying it's okay but it's clearly not, because if it was you'd be saying it, right? You can fucking say it. You know the truth now. You know my mum's my sister and I'm fucking inbred, and you know what I said. You heard me say it."
There's a long moment of silence, during which Tyler can hear the sounds of the car on the road, Colby's breathing. "Okay. One thing at a time," Colby says quietly after that long moment. "I'm not avoiding mentioning it because I'm secretly actually bothered by it. It just doesn't feel like there's a nice way of saying it. It feels like an insult to say that, you know? Your mother is your father's daughter. I repeat, that's a problem with him, not you. And that fucker's gonna be dead sometime soon anyway."
Tyler laughs hollowly. "You once told me I'd feel sad when he died anyway."
"Oh, maybe you will. Maybe not. I see your point of view, though. Oh, you missed my big moment, I nearly forgot."
"Your big moment?"
"I punched him in the face. Right after you left." Tyler's laugh is a bit less hollow; the ridiculousness of the moment is what gets him. "Nobody really stopped me. Honestly, Scarlett was the most bothered. Then I went after you, but you're too damn fast."
"I-" Tyler can't stop himself from laughing too much to finish the sentence. "You punched my dad in the face. Why?"
"Like I said. He's disgusting. Fuck that guy."
There's this weird soft edge to the way Colby says that; in each word, he's not thinking of Tyler's father, he's thinking of Tyler himself. No disgust.
Maybe Lachlen was right. Or maybe Tyler just got so insanely lucky. Maybe the world is making up for all it did to him. Maybe the sun will rise; maybe he can light a fire in the snow and get something ablaze, something to keep him warm. Anything.
"Where are you?" Tyler asks gently, holding his arms close around his body; he's noticing how cold he is now, the warmth he needs. Can he get it? Is it real? Under the lights that never turn off, leading cars home in the middle of the coldest night- he still can't quite believe it. It's occurred to him that he can believe.
"I'm just leaving the city proper. Won't be long. Please get off the road before you get hit by a car."
"I'm on- I'm on the side of the road. Just trying to find an exit," Tyler mutters. "Um."
Colby waits. "Um?"
"Um." Tyler swallows. "Just, uh. We've had an, erm, emotional day, right? Please just, uh- forget- forget anything I-"
"It's okay." Colby interrupts him, but it's not. Because Tyler's cold. He's so cold. And fire burns.
"No, I- listen. It's not okay. I'm real fucking unstable as it is, and- you don't have to come get me, just out of obligation, I-"
"Literally, Tyler, what the fuck would make you think I wouldn't? I'm not- this isn't obligation. I thought I made it clear that I care about you and I'm coming to get you."
Tyler sucks in through his teeth. "Either it's okay or it's not."
"It's okay. I don't get your implication, of course it's okay."
"Then- then stop avoiding it. I said what I said. You won't let me take it back, then acknowledge it."
"What is there to acknowledge? What do you want me to say?" Colby sounds like he's about to get angry, about to get upset; and Tyler needs to drive him there because he needs to know the truth. He needs to push through Colby's careful words. He needs to hear his immediate thoughts. He needs to know what he won't say.
He needs there to be a shred of hope that he's not alone. That it isn't just him.
"What do you want me to say?" Tyler asks, deadly quiet. "Do you want me to take it back, or do you want it to be true?"
"What the fuck-" Colby begins, but then he stops. He takes a deep breath; the sound of the road rushing by in the background makes Tyler fear he might be speeding. He's old enough to have figured this out by now, so Tyler trusts him not to be, but still. "What are you trying to ask me?"
"Answer the question." A beat. "Please."
"I want- I want whatever is the truth," Colby admits. "I want you to tell me the truth. That's all."
"If I do that," Tyler says, "will you tell me the truth?"
"Of course I will."
Tyler sighs and leans against the wall of the freeway. "Okay. Well, I- it's not easy to know the truth, is it?" Why do they talk around themselves like this? "It's- a whole complex thing. I've only been in love once, and it was- it was pretty different than this, sure. But there was something there. Something I haven't found since. And I- I think I've found it, um. Here, now. With you." Swallows thickly. "I think I meant what I said. I'm just- I know it's still so early, and I don't want you to..."
He trails off, shrugs, forgets he can't be seen. Waits in silence. The world trails on. He feels like this moment lasts forever.
Then, "I have absolutely never been in love."
Tyler bites the inside of his lip, feels tears welling up again. Yeah. That's what he thought.
"So, I don't know what it feels like," Colby continues. "I kind of assumed I couldn't. But I don't know that, not for certain. And I- I feel somewhat similar."
Oh- Tyler sits up, clutching his sleeve. No. No fucking way.
"Not in- I don't think I can genuinely say the same, not yet. What I can say is that you are different to me than anyone before, and that's a good thing. I can say- well, like you said, it's hard to say for sure. There's not a lot I can say with certainty except that if I can love anyone it's going to be you."
The world was once so quiet, empty and broken, so devoid of meaning; and Tyler curses the way colours seem brighter now, curses the lights shining down on him, how it feels like heaven has given him a chance.
"Really?" Tyler finds himself sniffling, which is- not attractive, he thinks to himself. "Of everyone on Earth- I- after all you know-?"
"Listen to me," Colby says, almost kind of frantic, and Tyler closes his eyes and blocks out the sound of other cars on Colby's side of the line. "I don't know how to say it any clearer. You're not just as worthy of love as every other human being on earth- although that is the objective truth- the truth that I feel is that you are different in some way that is better, not because of what you went through but the strength it takes a person to get out the other side, and the way that built you. So many people are boring, repetitive, have nothing to offer- or they do, but not to me. I don't know how to explain it. All I can tell you is, like I said, if I- can-"
It happens so fast that Tyler isn't sure what even happening for a long moment, as it's happening, as he has to do something about it. As he can't. Those background sounds- there's a screeching sound, and then this crunch, Colby's words cut off- yelling something- and Tyler starts to panic, calling out Colby's name, trying to break through the noise- and there's another crunch, and then everything falls silent.
"Colby?" Tyler asks one more time, into silence, to which there is no answer.