Tyed - Chapter 69: Chapter 69

"How was Rosebud?"
Tyler slumps down on the couch that used to be his own. Kali now sits where he used to sit; she moved in in somewhat of a rush between lockdowns, since, well, Tyler had determined that his room was going to be empty. He had to choose where counted as home for months where he wasn't supposed to leave, and Colby had made it pretty clear where he'd prefer Tyler stay.
"Trey was so disappointed when we had to push it back, so he was super excited to go," Tyler says, leaning back against the couch. This room feels like a summer camp he visited once, or how he supposed his grandparent's house might feel if he had such a thing. Familiar, though not home, never quite was. "It was kind of weird, though, since we'd planned for four, not six. But so many travel plans got changed around that it wasn't that crazy for us to change it when we did."
Nancy takes a long sip of whatever she's drinking. "But did you have fun?"
"I mean, yeah. If you didn't think too long about how weird my family's become, it was kinda nice. Tried to kayak, ended up falling in the water about ten times, which Colby thought was hilarious. And it turns out Trey hates wine. Mum and Scarlett still went to all the wineries, but we took Trey to the beach instead."
"I'm still confused," Kali says quietly; she's pulling at her sleeves, a shirt she's taken from Nancy, which only Tyler would notice. He's unclear on whether it's because she didn't have many clothes of her own, washing mixup, or something gayer. "Who is Scarlett to you?"
"Great question. She's my husband's ex-wife and dating my mum. So, whatever weirdness that entails."
"But your mum is married...? Right?"
Tyler laughs. "You know, in retrospect it should've been obvious that my mum is pretty gay and Saxon is- well, he's never clarified this to me, but either he's asexual, or just not at all interested in my mum for whatever reason. You've never met him, but looking at them together it's kind of obvious that they're only married for basically tax benefits."
Nancy taps her fingers lightly on the edge of her glass. "Wasn't that why Scarlett was trying to get back with Colby? Or has she given up on that?"
"Not quite tax benefits," Tyler laughs. "I mean, I'm pretty sure she's just giving up pretense. She had to bend herself too far to lie. And she won't tell me anything about it, but I notice that she's just kinda hanging out with my mum and not really saying anything about it. And she's not telling us anything else. I just assume she's given up."
"I respect that," Nancy replies with a somber nod. "You can respect the grift, and you can respect not wanting to grift, you know?"
Kali's been told the story by now, and she bites her lip as she remembers. "Couldn't she- why couldn't Colby work with her to lie?"
"What do you mean?"
"Saxon has several people helping him lie. Couldn't Scarlett do the same? Pretend Colby is still her husband?"
Tyler shrugs. "Colby offered to help, but she refused any kind of lying, I think. We fully talked about how much I'd be willing to let him help and none of it ever became relevant."
Kali nods, and Tyler takes the opportunity to ask, "how have you guys been?"
And for the next hour or so, he mainly listens; as Nancy talks about school and how it's fucking her over and she's barely passing, but she's still making progress and she's proud of herself; Kali talks about how she's been thinking about what she actually wants to do, and she's found some enjoyment in cooking, so she might follow that; Tyler doesn't find a chance to pry them on the personal nonsense, not really. But Kali tells stories about her family, the adoptive one, and manages to laugh at how crazy they are, despite the glint of fear in her eye at the memories; and Nancy, as always, is full of that warm understanding that doesn't condescend and that's exactly what Kali needs, Tyler thinks.
"When do you have to leave?" Nancy asks him at one point; "are you catching the train?"
Tyler shakes his head. "I'm working on my driving hours, so Colby said he'd come pick me up after work. Is it alright if I stay that long?"
"Of course," she answers. "I feel like you'd be a good driver."
"Absolutely not," Tyler laughs, "I constantly feel like I'm going to crash. And I'm halfway through my hours now."
"I constantly feel like I'm going to crash and I'm on my Ps," Nancy argues, and Kali shakes her head slightly.
"You drive so fast," Kali mutters, and that makes Nancy laugh.
But Colby does eventually text him to let him know he's on his way, and the girls wait outside with him, since it's nice weather and Nancy's the kind of person who struggles to end a conversation, always another thing to say. When Colby does rock up, Nancy immediately ropes him into the conversation, as he's getting out to put Ls on the car. "Isn't that right?" she asks without a modicum of context.
Colby looks at her and raises and eyebrow, then looks to Tyler. "What-"
"No, fuck off," he tells Nancy, turning his head and looking down the long road, like he can just run away down there.
"No? You didn't?" she grins recklessly, and Tyler hits her gently in the arm.
She shrugs and looks back to Colby. "I asked if you guys have been using your quarantine wisely, that's all I said."
"That is not what you said. What you said was a lot more private than that," Tyler argues, reaching up and grabbing at the day collar around his neck; but he's grinning, it's all in good fun.
Colby comes to him, gives him a little kiss on the forehead. "Ready to go?"
Tyler nods and turns to hug the other two goodbye. "Thanks for having me," he says while he's over Nancy's shoulder.
"And you better come back. God knows how long before we're locked down again and I don't see you for weeks," Nancy mutters. "You better text me."
"And you better fucking text me," he responds, rolling his eyes; and then he moves to hug Kali, and is surprised by how strongly she grips around his waist.
She doesn't say anything for a long moment, and then mutters, too quietly for the other two to hear, "I'm glad you're happy."
He can tell what she means by that, why she might not expect him to be happy. He lost everything he had, once. Well- not everything, not forever, but it felt like it. Something that felt like everything, that felt like his entire life; that still does. The hole is still there. Grief is a scar and it does not go away.
But it does heal, and it doesn't kill you. It doesn't always hurt, and there are things it can't touch. He still has Nancy, he's had her since the first day of school. He got Kali back, a loss he never expected to regain. He still has his brother and his mother, and he still has the ability to experience life, to change, to learn and to meet new people.
And he can still love, as he learns.
After he says his goodbyes (and accidentally goes to sit in the passenger's seat before remembering and moving around), he sits in the car for a moment, and Colby takes his hand; he doesn't say anything, just that gentle movement he didn't have to do, and Tyler knows what he was trying to say.
"Okay," Colby says after Tyler smiles at him. "Do you remember the first thing you have to do?"
Tyler rolls his eyes. "It's not that hard."
Colby raises his eyebrows at him. "What's with the attitude, hmm? Go on, then."
Tyler stares at the wheel, and goes to take off the handbrake, before realising he doesn't have the keys and the car isn't on.
"Not that hard, huh?" Colby laughs, and Tyler gently punches him in the arm.
"Fuck you. You threw me off," he says with a laugh.
And it's playfully that Colby says, "oh, you're gonna talk to me that way?" to which Tyler immediately blushes.
"I mean," he mutters, "maybe."
Colby's smile is too soft for the moment. "Let's get home before you decide to start being a brat, yeah?"
Which Tyler agrees to implicitly, politely asking Colby for the keys with a little smirk that implies the politeness isn't what he wants to say. And then he drives home.
And home, he supposes, is permanently Colby's house now. He's not quite sure when it really changed; his address was updated on his mail and all that much later than he felt like he properly moved in. He supposes this is kind of just how it happens.
There were so many people Colby could've accidentally fallen in with, but he fell in with him. He'll never quite understand why him specifically. He thinks sometimes that that's how he knows Colby loves him; because love is irrational. Colby doesn't need a reason to love him because love just happens. Tyler can't understand why he'd choose him if it was choice and choice only; but the choice was made based on love, nothing else.
And Tyler has this feeling he's never had before. He can always feel it, but it's more noticeable in the middle of the day, when he's alone. He doesn't really have a job, obviously, not like the pandemic affected that; and Colby's spent some days or weeks locked up on the computer at home when he couldn't go in, other days spent in his office, and so Tyler does everything else around the house- cleaning is easy, learning to cook is a little harder, trying to find things that he can do that are so subtle Colby might not even notice- lighting candles, making sure he washes the sheets at the right time so that they're warm when they get into bed. And, of course, it's always nice to surprise Colby when he gets home in other ways.
But no, that feeling, it's always there but most obvious on days where Colby is out of the house and Tyler is taking a moment to himself, looking out the window, gazing at the street below. He'll be thinking about something, and then casually turn around and see the house afresh; see the dishes he ate lunch off of sitting out, see the blankets he's just washed that he always naps under, see the broom he swept the floor with, the floor that he walks over barefoot to move into the kitchen.
It's hard to say at first what that feeling is; but he knows it now as he pulls into the garage, as he puts it into words, that this feels like home.
Maybe it's because he lives here and it feels like his own space at times; maybe it's because it's a space he's got some control over, when he never did before. Maybe it's a space he's cared for when he never has before. Or maybe it has to do with the fact that Colby feels like home and so home feels like Colby and those two things are easy to combine.
When they get inside, almost immediately Tyler tugs at Colby's sleeve to make him look at him; and then he kisses him, trying to press him up against the wall- which of course is something of a futile effort, not that that's what he was trying to really achieve, and he ends up pushed against the wall himself.
But as Colby's kissing his neck, takes a bite of it, he asks, "what do you want?"
"Hmm?" Tyler mutters, barely understanding. He pulls at Colby's chest to pull him closer, and Colby kisses him, but only gently, only once.
"What do you want?" Colby repeats, and Tyler leans his forehead into Colby's chest.
"You know," Tyler mutters, lucky Colby can't see him blushing.
Colby tilts his head up, so he definitely can see it now. "You seem distracted, is all."
"It's nothing," Tyler says, before realising that's jus going to concern him- and he can sense that shift, so he adds, "I mean, it's nothing bad."
"Go on, then."
Tyler tilts his head back against the wall and looks up at the roof- even that feels more like home than his bedroom ceiling, the room that's now Kali's. "I was just thinking about-" he stops himself from saying it's stupid or something like that, from cutting himself off. "I was just at the place I used to live, and it made me think about how that didn't feel like home. This does."
Colby smiles, hard enough that he almost tries to hide it. He presses a kiss to Tyler's forehead. "What about it feels like home?"
Tyler shrugs, burying his head into Colby's chest again. "I don't know. Maybe it's just because I want to be here, or it feels like a space that actually belongs to me somehow, or- or maybe it's just you."
Colby's gentle kiss says it before he does, but he very much does say it. He says it. "Maybe it's just because I love you?"
And Tyler smiles. He just smiles; he says nothing else. He nips at Colby's neck, getting his attention, and Colby flattens him back against the wall for it, and in his ear growls, "oh, I see what you want."
Tyler grins as he's pulled after Colby, into the downstairs bedroom, exclusively because it's closer, exclusively because neither has any patience for stairs. In the moment, this feels normal, good, but normal. And normal hasn't felt good in a very, very long time.
You've got to fight through thickets and swamps so deep you're beyond certain you're drowning; you have to lose everything, to be so certain you're going to lose yourself. You have to face hell and come back barely breathing. You have to die and be reborn in the flames of hell, surprised you're still alive when you peel yourself off the floor. You've got hell.
But you've got happiness at the end of it. Not forever, not eternal, but at the end of the path there are moments like these. And everything around you is right, and fixed, gentle and calm and all that you need.
It's there. He knows that now. It's there.
He's there.