Underground - Chapter 23: Chapter 23

Levi dragged me behind him through the trees for several miles, until we reached the abandoned village we had stayed at the night before. Without horses, and on foot, it seemed so much farther from the outpost that we had come across that morning. Or maybe it seemed so much farther because every part of my body felt as if it was made of lead.
I had stopped crying several miles ago, the tear stains long dried on my cheeks, mixed with the dark, maroon blood that had congealed and stained my skin. I felt nothing but numbness.
I trudged behind Levi through the village, as he checked each house again, making sure no titans had taken up residence since we had left that morning. The rain had started up again, a cold, constant drizzle that was slowly seeping through my cloak and uniform, sinking into my skin and making me shiver.
We reached the house where we had stayed the night before and Levi pushed inside first, his blades still drawn. After a few silent seconds, I heard him call to me from inside, the room dark from the twilight that had begun to descend over the village. "Oi, (L/N). Get in here out of the rain."
I walked into the room, my head bent, my drenched hair falling into my eyes and dripping cold rain water down my cheeks. I couldn't bring myself to care. How the hell had everything gone so wrong?
Without removing my wet cloak, I walked across the room and slumped down against the wall, watching disinterestedly as Levi gathered some dry firewood that had been left over and attempted to build a fire in the middle of the room. I shivered again. The rain made the air damp and chilly and the wet cloak hung heavily around my shoulders wasn't helping matters.
I glanced past Levi, my eyes drawn to the spot on the floor where Johnson had slept next to Miller just the night before. I felt anger rise up and fight against the numbness in my chest. Why did we do this? Why did we go out on futile missions just to return with less people than we started with? Why did we put CHILDREN'S lives in danger for the sake of humanity?
Before I could stop myself, flashes of my interactions with Johnson flitted through my head. The first mission we'd ever done together, how I had made him try to take a titan down on his own, how nervous he was to try for the first time. The ride to his village, the sound of his sobbing as his mother was eaten before his eyes, the terror on his face when he heard Mory and the joy when he had her back safely. The time he had sat by the fire with me, blushing when I teased him, his warm, rough hand on mine.
And finally, when he had stayed behind. When he had come up beside me in the forest, his eyes determined, giving me that half smile as he pressed his blades into my hands. The lone titan, Johnson crushed in its hand, raised to its mouth......the warm feeling as blood rained down on me...
Levi sat down beside me, startling me out of my dark thoughts. I flicked my gaze over to him, and the anger returned, bubbling hotly underneath my skin, as the memory of him dragging me away from the titan and Johnson returned to my mind. It was his fault. He hadn't let me go back. If he had.....
"Oi, (L/N)." He spoke flatly, watching me with his eyebrow raised. The fire he had started lit up his face with an eerie orange glow, his dark eyes black in the shadows from the flames. "You couldn't have saved him you know."
The anger bubbled over. I couldn't control it. I clenched my hands into fists at my sides, staring at the ground at my feet, as I muttered under my breath, "Maybe I could have...maybe I could have done something....but you...." My hands shook at my sides as I met his gaze, flames of rage dancing in my eyes as I finally lost control and screamed at him, "You took me away! This is all your fault! This is. All. Your. Fault!"
I lunged at him, swinging my fists wildly, not caring what I hit as long as I connected with him and made him feel the same pain that I was feeling in that moment.
He didn't even try to defend himself. He sat still, taking my angry swings silently.
Over and over I swung my fists, punching him in the chest and arms and stomach. I felt the hot flow of tears down my cheeks as I flailed, and I realized I was sobbing as I continued to hit him.
Finally, I collapsed against him, too tired to do anything. The pain was unbearable. I felt as if it were crushing my chest, making it so that every breath I took felt as if I was being stabbed by knife over and over and over again.
I sobbed for what felt like hours, but must have only been a few minutes, and Levi stayed there, not moving underneath me, as I clenched the fabric of his uniform between my fists and buried my face in his chest, the tears falling from my skin stained pink with dried blood.
After my sobbing had subsided into quiet tears and a few loud sniffles, Levi finally spoke. "Tch. Come on, (L/N). Let's get that wet cloak off of you. You're freezing."
I hadn't realized when my whole body was shaking with sobs, but now that I had calmed down, I noticed he was right. I was shivering violently, my wet hair still dripping down my back and my soaked clothes stuck against my cold skin.
I nodded and sat back, wiping the remaining tears from my eyes with the palms of my hands. I shucked the wet, heavy cloak over my head and dropped it onto the floor at my feet, instantly feeling a bit warmer as the heat from the fire penetrated my damp uniform.
Levi stood from the wall and walked around the room for a moment, as if he were looking for something. Coming back to the fire and warming his hands over the flames, he swore under his breath. "Damn. Jaeger took our horses, which also included all our gear."
My teeth were still chattering together slightly. I slid closer to the fire and looked up at him, rubbing my hands together in front of me to try and generate some more warmth. "So no sleeping bags."
He glanced over at me, studying me for a brief moment, his dark eyes emotionless, and then said matter of factly, "How would you feel about using body heat?"
I scoffed. "No way in hell would you be okay with that. You like to be as far away from all people as humanly possible."
He watched me, still shivering beside the fire, and then said in a slightly irritated voice, "Tch. I'll have to make an exception for your idiotic ass. You're in shock. And your clothes are soaked. There's no other option."
My eyes widened as I glanced over at him. He was serious. I felt my heart jump in my chest. What the hell? This was simply a survival technique. It didn't mean anything. So why was my stomach suddenly doing flip flops?
"Oi, (L/N)." He said, annoyed at my lack of action. "Come on. You heard me. Take off your wet uniform and lay it out by the fire to dry." He turned his back to me, crossing his arms over his chest as he did so. "And hurry it up. I'd like to get some sleep before we have to head out at dawn."
I hesitated for another brief moment and then stood, pulling my jacket off my shoulders as I did so. I dropped it on top of the wet cloak that already lay at my feet and then leaned over, starting to undo the straps of the 3DM harness from around my waist. I slipped my legs out of the leather contraption, letting it drop to the floor with a muffled thud.
I reached down, my fingers on the hem of my shirt, and glanced over at Levi, who still had his back to me. I shook my head. Focus, (F/N). It's just for survival. Stop being an idiot.
I slipped my shirt up and over my head and, after dropping it on the growing pile, undid my pants, slipping them silently down my legs and stepping to the side, leaving them on top of the pile of wet clothes.
I stood there for a moment in my bra and panties, my arms crossed over my chest, the cool draft slipping under the door raising goosebumps on my skin. A stupid thought slipped through my head as I glanced down, my skin glowing orange in the light of the fire, the scars crisscrossing my legs and stomach dark in contrast to the color of the rest of my skin.
Would Levi still find me attractive, as he did all those years ago? When he'd blushed and glanced away at the sight of my body beside the cistern?
"Oi, (L/N)." Levi's voice snapped me out of my thoughts, and I clutched my arms tighter to myself as he said flatly, "You've got to be done by now."
"Yeah, I am." I said, trying to stop the nervousness I felt from penetrating through to my voice. I shifted uncomfortably, the floor rough against my bare feet. "What was the next part of your brilliant plan, dummy?"
He turned and walked past me without so much as a second glance. "Tch. Is this your idea of laying your clothes out to dry, (L/N)?" He crouched down and spread out my clothes on the floor around the fire, leaving the side next to the wall open. When he was finished, he stood again and shucked off his own wet cloak, heavy with rain. He laid it beside mine on the floor and then sat down, leaning back against the wall, one of his knees cocked up comfortably in front of him.
He finally glanced over at me, flicking his long, pale fingers in my direction. "Come on then, idiot. You're not going to get any warmer standing over there in your underclothes."
I hesitated for a moment. Why was my heart pounding so loudly in my chest? Shut the hell up, this isn't a big deal. It's just Levi. He doesn't even like you. He probably wishes you didn't even exist. This doesn't mean anything. He didn't even give you the time of day, and you're practically standing naked in front of him. Nothing at all. This is all fine.
I walked over to him and carefully sat down in front of him. I didn't lean against him. I felt more vulnerable than I was comfortable with already, I didn't need contact with him to make me feel even more unsure of myself.
Suddenly, his arms snaked around my waist and pulled me back against his chest.
I let out a quiet gasp at the sudden movement, the skin of his arms warm against the cool, damp skin of my hips. He threw his jacket, still a little damp, over me, and then pulled me back against him again, closer this time, if that were possible.
I jumped again as he spoke in a low voice, his lips at my ear, his breath warm against my skin. "Tch. Just relax, (L/N). I'm not going to do anything to you." One of his fingers brushed across my ribs as he adjusted his grip on me. I felt my breath catch slightly in my throat and his breath against my ear grew louder for just a brief moment, as if he wanted to laugh at the level of my uncomfort, but then he said quietly, "Just for body heat, (L/N)."
He leaned his head back against the wall, pulling his lips away from me again, and said flatly, "Now go the hell to sleep. And that's an order."
He was quiet, not saying anything else, and I found my eyes getting heavy. The comforting crackling from the fire, the feel of his chest rising and falling with steady, deep breaths against my back, the warm touch of his skin against mine, it all eventually lulled me to sleep. Something that I had thought wouldn't be achievable that night after what had happened that day.
But that's always been the thing about Levi. No matter where I am, no matter what's happened, no matter who I've lost, if he's there, beside me, I feel safe.