Underground - Chapter 24: Chapter 24

LEVI'S POV
I dragged (F/N) behind me through the trees for several miles, until we reached the abandoned village we had stayed at the night before. Without horses, and on foot, it seemed so much farther from the outpost that we had come across that morning.
I glanced behind me at (F/N) as we entered the village. She had stopped crying several miles ago, going silent, and I could see the numbness that had come across her face, the dried tear stains cutting pathways down through the spray of dried maroon blood that covered her cheeks.
I quickly checked each house again as we walked silently through the darkening village. I wanted to make sure none of those bastards had shown up since we had been gone and taken refuge in the abandoned buildings without us knowing. I made my search quick, as the rain had started up again, and I knew being out in the cold, constant drizzle wasn't going to do (F/N) any good in her already shocked state.
We reached the house where we had stayed the night before and I pushed in through the closed door, my blades still drawn, just in case. I scanned the dark room, noting that there was still some dry firewood left. Good, I could get a fire going and warm up the damp, chilled air a bit at least.
I realized that (F/N) hadn't followed me into the room. She was still standing in the doorway, the rain from the roof dripping down onto her head in a steady stream. "OI, (L/N)." I called out to her, knowing that she wouldn't move if I didn't make her. "Get in here out of the rain."
She trudged into the room, still not saying a word, and without removing her wet cloak, slumped down against the far wall, curling her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around herself. I watched her for a moment, knowing I could attempt to say something, but that nothing I could say would make her feel any less empty inside. I knew, because I had come to know the feeling well, and knew that no matter who tried to help, there was nothing to be said. Nothing that would make it alright.
I noticed her shivering and started to gather together a small pile of the dry kindling, hoping that if I could get a fire going, it would warm up the room enough to keep us comfortable for the night.
After gathering together all the dry wood I could find, I stacked it in the center of the room, and soon, I had a small, crackling flame going, lighting up the dark shadows of the room with warm, orange light.
I glanced over at (F/N) again. She hadn't moved. She was staring into the orange flames, lost deep in thought.
I walked over and sat down beside her against the wall, turning to her as I said, "Oi, (L/N)." She flicked her eyes over to me, and the emptiness, the hurt held within her gaze, made my heart ache within my chest. I felt the need to say something, anything, even if I knew it wouldn't make her feel any better. "You couldn't have saved him you know."
Anger flashed across her gaze and I saw her clench her fists at her sides as she said under her breath, "Maybe I could have....maybe I could have done something...but you..." Her hands shook at her sides. She met my gaze again, the anger bright in her eyes, livening every feature of her face, and suddenly screamed, "You took me away! This is all your fault! This is. All. Your. Fault!"
She lunged at me, swinging her fists. I didn't move. I didn't say anything. I sat there, completely still, completely silent, letting her hit me as many times and wherever she liked.
She needed someone to blame. She needed some logical reason for what had happened. She needed something to cling to, something that made it all make sense, or she'd go insane with the pain and the emptiness.
Her swings didn't hurt me. Even through her anger, she wasn't really trying to injure me. She could have, if she'd wanted, but she just needed to channel the anger into something physical, just for a moment, even if it wasn't really accomplishing anything.
Finally, she exhausted herself and collapsed against me. She buried her face in my chest and clenched the fabric of my uniform between her fists as she sobbed. I raised a hand, letting my fingers hover over her heaving back, before deciding against touching her. I let my hand drop back down to my side and remained still, not moving underneath her grip. I could feel her warm tears soaking through the front of my shirt, and I leaned my head back against the wall as she continued to cry, her sobs angry and full of pain.
I closed my eyes, remembering the emptiness, the feelings of rage, that had overcome me when I had lost my squad the first time. My friends, Farlan, Isabel, those bastards had taken them from me. And then the second time, Petra, everyone lost, all over again. I'd let it happen again. And that time, I had felt nothing but all consuming rage...and then numbness. Nothing but numbness. There was nothing else.
I opened my eyes, realizing that (F/N)'s sobbing had subsided into quiet sniffles, and that she was shivering violently again. I glanced down at her, her head still buried in my chest, her wet hair dripping down her back, and said quietly, "Tch. Come on, (L/N). Let's get that wet cloak off of you. You're freezing."
She nodded against me and then sat back, rubbing her eyes for a moment before she shucked off the heavy, wet cloak onto the floor at her feet.
I stood from the floor and walked around the room for a moment, kicking aside some of the debris with my boots. I wasn't sure exactly what I had hoped to find, but I had hoped that there would be something left here that we could use to keep warm for the night as we slept. But there was nothing. I walked back over to the fire and warmed my hands over the small flames, swearing under my breath as I said in annoyance, "Damn. Jaeger took our horses, which also included all our gear."
(F/N) scooted closer to the fire and rubbed her hands in front of her, glancing over at me as she said, "So no sleeping bags."
It was the first time she had spoken since the forest. Hell, I was glad to hear her voice again.
I met her gaze across the flames, and before I could stop myself, said without emotion, "How would you feel about using body heat?"
Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. What are you thinking? Do you really think you can put your feelings aside for her in a situation like that? You're willingly jumping into the flames here.
She scoffed. "No way in hell would you be okay with that. You like to be as far away from all people as humanly possible."
Little did she know, I'd give anything to be close to her, and she was the only person I wanted to be close to. But she was the one person, the one person in this entire gone-to-hell world, that I had to stay away from.
I watched her, still shivering, even with the fire, and then said, the irritation with myself bleeding into my voice, "Tch. I'll have to make an exception for your idiotic ass. You're in shock. And your clothes are soaked. There's no other option."
Her eyes widened as she realized how serious I was being. Something flashed across her face, something other than surprise, something that looked oddly like excitement, but she quickly dropped her gaze from mine, shifting her eyes downward to her muddy boots.
"Oi, (L/N)." I kept the amusement from my voice, masking it with annoyance. "Come on. You heard me. Take off your wet uniform and lay it out by the fire to dry." I turned my back to her and cross my arms over my chest. "And hurry it up. I'd like to get some sleep before we have to head out at dawn."
I stood there, silently, listening as she finally stood up from the floor and started to undress, her wet clothes rustling in the silence of the room as she slipped them off, one by one, and dropped them to the floor.
I dug my fingers into my arm as I waited for her to finish. Steady, idiot. Remember the promise.
I realized the room had gone silent again, except for the crackling of the fire, and I called out to her, "Oi, (L/N). You've got to be done by now."
"Yeah, I am." I heard her respond, a slight nervous edge to her voice. I couldn't help the small smile that flicked across my lips at the thought that I made her nervous. I heard her shift and then say sarcastically, trying to cover up her uncertainty, "What was the next part of your brilliant plan, dummy?"
I took in a deep breath and turned, walking past her without a second glance. Focus on something else, anything else. "Tch. Is this your idea of laying your clothes out to dry, (L/N)?" I crouched down beside the messy pile of wet clothes and started to spread them out to dry around the fire, careful not to look in her direction. When I was finished, I shucked off my own wet cloak and laid it beside her uniform on the floor. I sat down against the wall again and shifted myself until I was comfortable, one knee cocked up in front of me, my hand resting on my bent leg.
I finally let myself glance over at (F/N), but just for the briefest of moments. Even that sent my heart pounding in my chest as my gaze flicked over her skin, crisscrossed with the dark scars that her son of a bitch father had left on her body. I flicked my fingers at her, steeling my voice as I said, "Come on then, idiot. You're not going to get any warmer standing over there in your underclothes."
She hesitated briefly and then walked over, sitting down in front of me, her body stiff with discomfort, as she kept distance between us.
I reached out and wrapped my arms around her waist, pulling her back against my body. She let out a little gasp at the movement, and the sound sent my heart pounding in my chest again. Her skin was cool and damp under my arms, a change from her normal warmth. I reached for my jacket and spread it over her. It was still a bit damp, but it would dry out quickly this closely to the fire.
I put my arms back around her and pulled her against me again, closer this time. I put my lips to her ear, causing her to jump slightly, and said in a low voice, "Tch. Just relax, (L/N). I'm not going to do anything to you."
Good hell, the things I'd like to do to you though. Stop, idiot. Don't think like that. Remember the promise.
She kept her head bent, the gentle curve of her neck exposed, the skin glowing in the soft light from the fire. I adjusted my hands on her waist, one of my fingers brushing across her ribs as I moved my arms, and I heard her breath catch slightly at the touch. I chuckled under my breath, my lips still against her ear. I couldn't help but enjoy the effect I had on her. I leaned in and murmured against her ear, "Just for body heat, (L/N)."
Alright, idiot. That's enough. Control yourself.
I pulled myself away from her reluctantly, the damp, earthy smell of her hair lingering in my nose, and leaned my head back against the wall. I took in a breath, exercising control, and then said, keeping my voice flat and even, "Now go the hell to sleep. And that's an order."
I sat that way, in silence, my head back against the wall, feeling her warm body up against mine, until she nodded off to sleep. Once I was sure she was asleep, her breaths deep and even, I tightened my grip around her, wanting her as close to me as possible.
I wasn't sure what it was, but there had always been something about (F/N). She could keep away the nightmares. There were other things that I had tried over the years that could keep away the nightmares at night-drinks, women. But she was the only thing I had found that kept them away in the daytime.