Underground - Chapter 26: Chapter 26

A few days later, I made my way back to Hange's lab in the basement of the headquarters building.
Erwin had given all of us a few days off as he and the other commanders strategized how to best apprehend the beast titan. They didn't want to send out any more teams until they had a solid plan on how to deal with the abnormal and its dangerous control over the rest of the titans.
I had spent most of the free days in my room. Mostly, I was exhausted and my ribs still ached, and I just wanted to be alone. But there was a small part of me that just didn't want to face anyone quite yet. Not after what had happened.
The day after Levi and I had arrived back, Hange had found a family to take Mory in. She couldn't stay in the barracks anymore, not since Johnson was gone, so they had found a caring family in the city, with a few other children her age, to care for her as their own. I would miss her cheerful smile around base, but I knew it was in her best interest. Children didn't belong with an army.
I entered headquarters and headed directly downstairs, the cool, dimly lit air of the basement making me feel more at ease. I wouldn't run into anyone down here.
I pushed open the door to Hange's messy lab and peeked my head inside, calling out, "Hange? Are you here?"
She popped out from behind her desk, a large smile lighting up her face as she saw me standing in the doorway. "(F/N)! Come in!" She motioned for me to enter the room, and when I did so, she came out from behind the desk, holding a stack of papers in her arms, as she asked, "How are you feeling? Better?"
I nodded to her. "I'm getting there."
She cleared a pile of papers and books off of a chair in the corner, dumping them all noisily on the ground, before waving at the empty seat and saying excitedly, "Sit, sit!"
I walked across the room and sunk into the chair. It was surprisingly comfortable. She pulled up a stool in front of me, setting her pile of papers in her lap, and then looked up at me, excitement flickering in her eyes behind her glasses. She grinned at me. "I'm so glad you agreed to help me with my study, (F/N). It's going to be so much fun!"
I grimaced as she pulled out a pen and began to jot something down on the top piece of paperwork. "Fun. Sure, Hange." I watched her scribble some notes across the paper for a moment, before I said, "So. This project of yours. Who agreed to help you?" She glanced up at me and I clarified. "You said you had been interviewing the cadets. Who have you talked to?"
"Oh, that." She resumed scribbling down notes as she said, "I already interviewed Armin. And Miller came and answered a few questions yesterday. And yes." She stopped writing and looked back up at me,the pen poised in her hand. "Jean came as well."
I raised an eyebrow at her. "Three cadets, Hange? That's your study?"
She shot me a glare and shuffled the papers in her lap as she huffed, "It's just beginning, (F/N). I hope to interview Eren next." A curious gleam came into her eye and she rubbed her hands together in eagerness. "Yes, hearing about his background and comparing it to his current behavior should be quite interesting indeed."
I sat back in the chair and let out a sigh. "All right then. Can we just get this over with? I don't like being one of your guinea pigs, Hange."
She smirked at me. "Ha. Guinea Pig." She seemed to get lost in her thoughts for a moment, but then snapped her fingers, pulling out her pen again as she said, "Right! Let's get going then." She held up one of the sheets in front of her, adjusting her glasses as she looked at me over the top of the paper. "It's really quite simple. I'm going to ask you some questions about your life. And you answer them as honestly as you can." She raised an eyebrow at me. "Ready then?"
I nodded at her, fidgeting with my hands in my lap as I did so. I suddenly felt nervous. What was she going to ask me? What would I have to tell her? I didn't talk much about my past in the Underground, and for good reason.
"So, (F/N). You knew Rivaille growing up, yes?"
I glanced over at Hange, who was staring at me, pen ready, waiting for my answer to her question. I swallowed the nervous lump in my throat and said, "Yes."
She jotted something down and then asked, "And would you say you two were friends then?"
"Yes, I guess you could say that." I answered her, trying to keep everything as simple as possible. Maybe if I did so, she wouldn't press me for answers.
"Uh huh. Alright." She jotted down a few more notes and then returned her gaze to me, tapping the pen against the paper in her lap as she studied me for a few, silent moments. Just when I was beginning to get uncomfortable from the scrutiny, she flashed me a smile and said, "Okay then. Moving on. Any siblings?"
I shook my head. "No. It was just my father and I." I felt the nervousness return now that we were moving onto questions about my family. I didn't intend to reveal too much to her. I couldn't, or else I'd have to relive it all over again, and that was something I wouldn't do.
"Only child. Okay...." She wrote something down again and then continued. "What about your mother?"
I felt a sense of relief come over me at the question. This one was easy. I had no emotional attachment or memories here. I glanced at Hange and said in a matter of fact voice, "No idea. I never knew her. She left shortly after I was born." I raised a shoulder in a slight shrug. "My father told me once that she was a prostitute from aboveground that would visit the Underground every once and awhile. But who knows."
Hange was furiously writing as I spoke, excitement flicking across her face as she bobbed her head at my answers. "Interesting. Very interesting indeed." She continued writing for a few more seconds and then sat back, putting the pen down as she raised an eyebrow at me. "You really are a fantastic specimen for this study, (F/N)."
"Uh....thank you?" I replied, not really sure if I should take her statement as a compliment or not. Coming from Hange, probably.
She watched me for another few silent seconds and then picked up her pen again, adjusting her glasses as she turned back to her notes. "Now, where were we? Ah yes. Parents." She scribbled a few more brief notes and then queried, "And your father? Is he still living in the Underground then?"
My heart skipped a beat at the question and my mouth went dry. Breathe, (F/N). Just answer the question. You can do this.
I swallowed hard, trying to remoisten my dry mouth, Hange glancing up at me curiousily at my hesitation and I knew I had to answer quickly so as not to make her suspicious. I shook my head slightly and then said haltingly, "No. He's dead."
"Oh. I'm so sorry, (F/N)." Hange said, sympathy lacing her voice, even though I could tell she was still curious to ask me more about him. She waited a moment and then asked gently, "How did it happen?"
Damn it. I had hoped she'd skip that question.
I swallowed again and, trying to keep my voice as casual as possible, said quickly, "The Underground is a dangerous place. And he was an alcoholic. You know, just natural causes."
She started to write something down again, and I nervously picked at a loose thread on the pants of my uniform, avoiding looking over at her as she continued to scribble for a moment. I felt a slight pang of guilt at the fact that I had just lied to her, Hange, who had been so nice to me and my only friend since arriving aboveground all those years ago, but I couldn't tell her the truth.
No one could ever know the truth. They wouldn't understand. They hadn't been there. They hadn't grown up with that man, the years of abuse-physical and mental. And they didn't know what the Underground was like. Whether something was right or wrong was beside the point-you did whatever you had to to survive.
FLASHBACK
My hands shook as I prepared the tea, the hot water splashing over the sides of the cup and onto the dirty, cracked sideboard.
I glanced over my shoulder to where my father sat at the table, drinking heavily from a bottle, other empty alcohol containers strewed around him. I could only hope he hadn't seen me spill the water, or there would be hell to pay.
I finished making the tea and turned, keeping my eyes downcast as I walked over to the table. I set down the chipped, faded teacup in front of him and stepped back a few steps, my hands folded in front of me, my eyes still on the floor at my feet. "Here's your tea, father."
He sat down the alcohol bottle with a loud thud and unsteadily took the teacup into his large, dirty hand, muttering something under his breath about his "useless daughter" before he brought the cup to his lips and took a sip.
I tried to make myself as small as possible standing there beside him. Maybe if I could stay still and silent, he might forget I was there and leave me alone.
Suddenly, he spat out the tea across the table, slamming the cup down angrily on the cracked wood as he turned his bloodshot eyes to me, anger flickering in his eyes as he yelled out, "Damn bitch. This tea isn't strong enough. What have I told you about making my tea stronger?" He stood from the table, pressing his palms into the wood as he rose to his full height, towering over me. As he rose, he took the teacup into his hand and threw it across the room. It shattered into a million tiny fragments against the far wall. He turned his attention back to me and advanced toward me, unsteady on his feet.
"I'm sorry, father. We didn't have enough money for anymore tea bags....." I managed to get out before he slapped me hard across the face
. Before I could go down with the impact, he pinched my wrist between his fingers and dragged me toward him, his breath heavy with alcohol as he spat in my face and slurred out, "I don't want your excuses. They don't put tea on my table, do they?" He shoved his face closer to mine and I cringed away from him as he screamed at me, spittle flicking across my cheeks. "Do they?!"
He threw me across the room and I hit the wall hard, slumping down to the floor, landing on the shattered fragments of the teacup that were strewn across the floor. My palms instantly began to bleed from the sharp glass.
I glanced up as my father stalked toward me, his bloodshot, bleary eyes filled with an intense rage. I'd seen the look many times before. I knew what was coming. Levi had been gone for over two years, and without him here to protect me, the beatings, the abuse, everything, had just gotten worse. My father didn't have to fear anyone anymore. I was alone.
I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around myself, closing my eyes tightly. I knew I couldn't stop him, stop what he was going to do, but maybe, just maybe, if I clung to myself and made it more difficult.....
I could hear my father's heavy pounding footsteps coming toward me. I kept my eyes tightly shut, my bleeding palms wrapped around my shins, curled into a ball against the wall. Don't look, don't look. It just makes it worse.
Suddenly, I heard a different sound. There was another pair of footsteps.
I heard my father roar something out in outrage, then silence. There was a large thud, slight tremors reverbrated in the floor underneath me, and then silence again.
I kept my eyes shut and pulled my knees even closer to my body. I didn't dare look to see what was happening. If he had fallen, he'd get up even more angry, more eager to punish me.
There it was again. The sound of footsteps. Not my father's. Lighter. Softer.
Suddenly, arms went around me.
I opened my eyes in surprise and saw Levi, his face just inches from mine, his arms wrapped tightly around my curled body. "Levi...?" I gasped out. Was it really him? Was I dead? Had my father finally killed me? How could he be here? After all this time?
He pulled me to him, crushing me against his chest and said quietly, his voice holding a deep sadness, "I'm so sorry it took me so long, (F/N). I'm so sorry."
As he hugged me, my eyes flicked over his shoulder to the scene behind him.
My father's motionless body was lying on the floor a few feet away, his head turned in my direction, his blank eyes staring at me lifelessly. Blood seeped out of a long gash across his throat, pooling on the dirt floor underneath his head. An alcohol bottle had rolled off the table and was lying next to his outstretched hand.
I should have been frightened. I should have pulled back from Levi, whose bloody blade lay a few feet away from us in the dirt. That would have been any normal person's reaction. But all I felt was intense relief. And safety, for the first time in so long, I almost didn't recognize the feeling.
I buried my head in Levi's shoulder, feeling tears in my eyes, and his arms tightened around me as he pulled me closer to him again. His scouting uniform smelled like sunshine, and sweat, and him. And in that moment, I had never felt safer than I did in his arms.
"Oi, (F/N)." He murmured into my ear, brushing some of my dirty hair back from my temple as he did so. His breath was warm on my skin, his lips brushed across the lobe of my ear and then he said in a low, voice, full of emotion, "Didn't I promise you I'd never leave you behind again?"
FLASHBACK END
"(F/N)." Hange's voice brought me back to the present and I flicked my gaze over to her, curiosity on her features as she said, "What are you thinking about?"
I shook my head, clearing the memory from my mind, and then gave her a half smile. "Sorry, I was just remembering something." I stood from the chair. "Is it okay if we continue this another time? I'm getting kind of tired."
She nodded at me, setting her pen down in her lap as she gave me another curious look before saying, "Sure, (F/N)." She stood up from her stool as well and set the papers on a shelf before motioning toward the door. "Beside, I think Erwin wanted to meet with us all anyway to discuss the plan for the next mission."
We walked out of the lab, Hange shutting the door behind us, and as we walked down the dark, cool hallway toward the stairs, toward aboveground, I couldn't help but feel that I was leaving the Underground for the second time in my life.