Underground - Chapter 34: Chapter 34

I let out an anguished cry, bent in two over the railing of the balcony, and pushed my fist into my mouth to cut off the sound of my sobs, my teeth coming down hard on my knuckles as I tried to muffle my emotion.
"Oi, (L/N)."
The sound of Levi's voice startled me and I started upward, whirling around to face him, my back against the railing, my face streaked with tears. He raised an eyebrow at me, and I thought I saw a slight flash of worry in his eyes as he said, "What're you doing?"
I lowered my fist from my mouth, and was surprised, when the first sound that came past my lips, was a frantic laugh. "What am I doing? I don't know, Levi. You tell me just what the hell I'm doing, because I sure as hell have no idea." I gestured wildly with my hands, feeling panic bubble upward in my throat as I finally said the words out loud. I didn't know what I was doing here. I didn't have the faintest clue.
Anger begin to replace the panic in my chest and I pointed a finger at Levi, who was still leaning in the doorway, watching me with blank, dark eyes. "Tell me, Levi. Because you're the one that brought me here. Did you think I'd be able to fit in? Did you?" I pushed off the railing and took a step toward him, my cheeks flushing again, but this time, it was not from shame, it was from anger. I glared at him. "You fit in here. You just created a new life. So you selfishly assumed I'd be able to do the same? Because that's not the case. Not by a long shot." I clenched my hands into fists as my sides, trying to control my emotion. I spoke again, my voice wavering slightly with the intensity of the rage I was feeling. "I don't belong here. I can't fit in. I've tried so hard, every day, for years. Hell, I've done my best. I've killed titans for them! But I still don't belong here. And now I finally know why. I do."
I took in a deep breath, the cool air of the night starting to calm the angry heat on my cheeks. I met his gaze again as I said quietly, "I'm not good enough. I've never been good enough. And I never will be." I let out a sigh and stepped back from him again, pushing my back up against the cool railing once more. "I'm not good enough for anyone. I'm not good enough for the legion, I'm not good enough for those kids, and I'm not good enough for you. You've made that abundantly clear every single day since I got here."
I glanced up as Levi pushed himself up off the doorway. I was surprised as I met his gaze to see disbelief in the depth of his dark eyes. He took a step toward me. "Wait...this whole time....you've thought the problem is that you weren't good enough?"
I let out my breath, feeling the anger bubbling beneath the surface again. Hadn't I just made that clear? "Are you listening to me? That's what I just told you. I'm not good enough. And okay, fine." I flung my hands out in a gesture of defeat, my voice raising in volume again. "I'm not good enough for the people here. Whatever. I'll get over it. But I'm not good enough for you. And that's what's killing me. It's always been that, Levi."
I dropped my hands to my side limply, suddenly feeling exhausted. I dropped my gaze from his and lowered my voice again. "You brought me here. You held up your promise that you'd get me out. But what happened to that promise of never leaving me behind when we got up here?" I shook my head, the tears returning to my eyes, even though I fought them. "You stayed with me long enough to see that I was taken care of, and then you just disappeared. You left me, when you said you never would. You left me because you had a new shiny life, and new shiny friends, and a new shiny position, and some piece of trash from the underground didn't fit into that bright, new, shiny picture."
A single tear fell down my cheek and I reached up to wipe it away quickly. I didn't want to do this anymore. I just wanted to go home.
I left the safety of the railing and pushed past Levi, who still stood silently in front of me, unmoving. I guess that was my answer. He really did despise me after all and he'd left me behind for something better.
I had almost reached the doorway back into the palace, when I felt Levi's fingers go around my wrist. I whirled around to face him, anger flashing across my face, ready to tell him to go to hell, but the look on his face stopped me dead in my tracks.
There was genuine surprise on his face. He studied me for a moment and then did something I thought I'd never see him do again. He laughed. It was humorless, and almost ironic in nature, but still, he laughed for a brief moment, before he said, his normally flat voice laced with disbelief, "You really thought the problem this whole time has been that you're not good enough?"
I opened my mouth to retort back at him that yes, that's obviously what the problem had been, but before I could say anything, he released his hold on my wrist and put his hands on my shoulders, pushing me back against the wall next to the doorway.
The movement was rough, and it took my breath away for a brief moment, but he didn't hurt me. He didn't look at me for several moments, his head bent, his dark hair falling over his forehead and covering his face from view, his strong hands pressing my back up against the wall. Finally, he met my gaze, and the intensity in his eyes took my breath away once again. He gave me half a smile and then said in a low voice, "Tch. You're still such an idiot." He took one of his hands from my shoulder and cupped my chin, his slender fingers digging into my skin as he forced me to keep eye contact with him. I couldn't have looked away, even if I had wanted to. "This whole time. The problem hasn't been that you're not good enough, (L/N)." He took in a breath, as if even the idea was hard to believe, and then said, "The problem is that you are good enough, you damn dummy."
My mouth dropped open at his words. "I don't understand...."
"Hmm." He let out an amused noise, releasing my chin as he moved his hand to rest on the wall beside me, keeping me forced back against the wall still by barring me in with his arms. He raised an eyebrow at me, his eyes suddenly growing serious again as he studied my confused face. "You really don't see it." Another flash of disbelief crossed his face and then he spoke again, his voice low and fervent, as if he really wanted me to hear what he was trying to say to me. "Listen to me, (L/N). You're different. You always have been. And you obviously don't see it, but I always have. Even when we were kids. You have this light." He paused for a second, seeming to struggle with his words, and then continued. "This flame burning inside of you. And nothing has ever dampened it, not the underground, not the loss you've experienced."
He let out a noise that sounded slightly like a sardonic chuckle and shook his head, dropping his gaze from mine for a brief moment. "I know, at some point, that I had that same flame, somewhere. But the difference between us is.." He looked back up to me, his black eyes boring into mine. "Yours never went out. And I've realized, everything I touch, is somehow dimmed by the darkness that lingers from my past in the underground." He scoffed to himself. "Tch. I let it get to me, and it's ruined everything ever since." He cupped my chin in his hand again, the strength of his fingers on my jaw causing me to flinch slightly. "I got you out. But I promised myself, after I got you aboveground, after you were safe, I was going to disappear from your life. I didn't want to risk my darkness dimming the flame that you carry."
He ran his thumb softly over my lips, relaxing his hold on my chin slightly as he said quietly, "I left you, yes. But I had to. I promised myself, I wouldn't get in the way of the future I knew you could have. You deserve something so much brighter than I could ever give you."
He was silent for a few seconds, studying me, his thumb still brushing across my lips, and then suddenly, he slammed his hands into the wall on either side of my head. I jumped slightly at the sudden, angry movement and glanced over at him, but he had dropped his gaze from mine again, his head ducked, his black hair blacking his face from view. He took in a few rapid breaths, his back rising and falling with the movement, before saying in a clearly pained, anger filled tone, "Hell, (L/N). I haven't done it because I wanted to. It's been absolute torture to try to stay away from you."
He fell silent again, frozen in front of me, the only movement the slight curl of his fingers as he dug his hands into the wall beside me, trying to control himself.
I watched him for a moment, and when he didn't move, I slowly reached out a hand, putting a finger under his chin to make him meet my gaze. The look in his eyes took my breath away. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. He really had meant everything he had just said. The anguish in his dark irises proved it. When I spoke, my voice was barely above a whisper. "Then don't."
He instantly shook his head. "No. This isn't a decision you can make. You don't understand...."
I put my hand over his mouth, cutting off his words before he could finish. His lips were remarkably soft under my palm, and I could feel his warm breath on my skin as I said in a low, determined voice, "Listen to me now. And hear what I'm saying to you." I dug my fingers into his skin slightly. I needed him to hear me. Please. Just hear what I'm saying right now, Levi. "If I do have this light, this flame, that you've mentioned, it's only because of you." Surprise flicked across his eyes, but I hurried to continue before he tried to interrupt me. "Growing up in that hellhole, you were the only thing that kept me going. You were my only light in that place, Levi. So this thing that you're so afraid of darkening?" I raised an eyebrow at him, emotion welling in my throat. "You're the one that put it there."
I dropped my hand from his mouth, finished with what I had to say. Now I just hoped that he had truly listened.
He stood still for a moment, and I began to wonder if he didn't believe me. Hell, please no. Don't let that happen, not when we're finally here. Not now.
I remained frozen, holding my breath, the cool marble of the palace still pressed up against my back, his hands on either side of my head.
Finally, he raised his gaze to mine. And he smiled.
I felt my breath catch in my throat as his teeth flashed white in the moonlight. It had been years since he smiled. Damn, I had missed that smile.
He chuckled slightly as he studied me with dark, unreadable eyes, his hair falling gently over his forehead. "Tch. You're going to make a liar out of me."
I caught my breath and raised an eyebrow at him playfully. "Why is that?"
He leaned toward me, closing the distance between us in one swift movement. My heart skipped a beat as he put his lips to my ear, brushing them across my earlobe before he murmured under his breath, "You're going to make me break a promise for the first time in my life, (F/N)."
He skimmed his lips across my jawline, and I swear I couldn't breathe. He smelled exactly how I remembered, he was the closest he'd ever been to me...
And then his lips were on mine.
Everything went blank. I had no thoughts. It was just Levi and I.
His hands dropped off the wall and went around my waist, his cool fingers brushing across the bare skin of my back and causing me to shiver slightly as he pushed me back against the wall, his body flush with mine. My hands went around his neck and into his thick mess of dark hair before I could stop myself.
His lips against mine were the most emotion I'd ever felt from him. They were urgent and hot, as if he'd wanted to do this for so long he could hardly contain himself, but they were also gentle and searching, as if he wanted to make this last as long as possible.
He traced my bottom lip with the tip of his tongue, and as my breath caught in my throat once again, I had one single thought flit through my mind.
That I wouldn't mind making this last as long as possible either.