Underground - Chapter 44: Chapter 44

By the time I reached the barracks, it was several hours after the cadets had left me alone in the woods, and night was beginning to fall rapidly over the city.
I pulled my mare to a stop in front of the stables, her breath coming in hard snorts from her nostrils from the push to reach the wall before nightfall, and slid down from the saddle, my legs faltering just a bit underneath of me as I hit the ground. I put a hand on the horse's warm, damp flank to steady myself and after I had straightened, I gave her a gentle pat, feeling the sweat from her hair under the palm of my hand as I did so.
"Corporal (L/N)!"
I glanced up as Miller ran over to me from across the commons, followed closely by Jaeger, Ackerman, and Arlert. She came to a stop in front of me, breathing hard, and her eyes widened as she took in my disheveled appearance.
I knew I must look like hell. I'd taken down around ten titans on my own before I'd headed back to the wall, and my skin was sticky with sweat and congealed, crimson blood. My uniform stuck to my body, and my hair was stringy and damp as it fell over my forehead. The 3DM gear at my side was hot from use, and I had gone through all of my blades taking down one titan after another, my hands blistered from swinging sword after sword without a pause.
I pushed my hair back off of my forehead and let out a long breath, stretching out the hand that held my mount's reins to Miller as I said tiredly, "Miller. Stable my horse, please."
She hesitated for a moment, watching me for a few more seconds, before she reached out her hand and took the reins from me, her fingers brushing mine as she did so. She clicked her tongue to the horse and pulled it after her as she walked by me, not meeting my gaze again as she disappeared inside of the dark stables.
After she was gone, Jaeger cleared his throat and stepped toward me, his eyes holding a slight look of hesitancy as he seemed to decide what words to say. I felt my heart drop slightly, and clenched my hand into a fist at my side before I said through my teeth, "Jaeger. Tell me what's happened."
He flicked his gaze to mine, a slight look of worry coming across his normally stoic features, and then said, "We got Corporal Ackerman back in time."
I felt myself release the breath I had been holding. That was all I needed to hear. No matter what else happened, no matter what else I had to face, as long as he was here, still alive, in this world, I could go on.
"Commander Zoe fixed him up as best she could. She's been with him for the past couple of hours in his quarters, keeping an eye on him." Jaeger continued, his gaze never leaving mine. I'm sure he could see the sense of relief in my eyes at hearing his news. His tone grew heavier. "Commander Smith wasn't very happy that you stayed behind without us. He's requested that you report to him immediately. I'm sorry, Corporal (L/N)." He finally dropped his eyes from mine, as guilt entered his voice. "We got you and Corporal Ackerman into this mess."
I waved a hand at him dismissively. Even though I knew I was going to get a severe tongue lashing from Erwin for being so reckless, I didn't care right now. I felt like a hundred pounds had been lifted off of my shoulders at the news that Levi was alright. "Don't apologize, Jaeger. I shouldn't have let you all go off on your own in the first place." I pushed past the trio, putting my hands on Arlert's and Jaeger's shoulders briefly as I passed by. "And anyway, even that wasn't much of a mistake. Because I knew you three idiots could handle yourselves just fine." I gave them all a slight smile, clapping them on their backs before I headed off toward the officer's quarters.
As I walked toward the stone building in the distance, I took in a few deep calming breaths. Why was I so nervous again? He was okay. Hange was taking care of him. Everything was fine. So why did I feel this sudden dread in the pit of my stomach that made me feel as if I was going to throw up?
Entering the barracks, I hesitated briefly in front of my room for a few moments. I knew I should rinse off quickly and change out of these bloody clothes. Levi would kill me if he knew I had entered his room in this filthy state. But I couldn't do it right now. Maybe later. Right now, I just needed to see him for myself, to see with my own two eyes that he was still here with me.
I hurried silently down the hallway and turned the corner, coming to a stop in front of Levi's closed door. I took in another deep breath, feeling my stomach do a few nervous flips in my abdomen, and then raised my fist, knocking quietly.
There was a brief moment of silence and then the door swung open, revealing Hange in the flicker of the soft candlelight from within the dim room. Her hair was more disheveled than normal, her glasses resting haphazardly on top of her head, and she looked exhausted, but when she caught sight of me standing in the doorway, she gave me a slight smile and grabbed my arm, pulling me into the room as she shut the door behind me and said in a hushed voice, "(F/N)! I'm so glad you're back. I was worried when Armin told me you'd stayed behind by yourself out there."
"Yeah, well, it had to be done." I glanced over at the bed in the corner, catching sight of Levi's dark head of hair above the covers tucked tightly around his body. I glanced over at Hange, who had moved to the corner of the room, rummaging through a bag of medical supplies, and said quietly, "Hange."
She stopped what she was doing and met my gaze, a long strip of tightly woven gauze held in her hand. She seemed to know what I was asking without words. "He's alright, (F/N). That was a nasty bite though. One of the worst I've seen." She crossed the room to a basin of water that sat beside the bed and dipped the gauze into it. I padded over to stand beside her and she looked up at me as she finished soaking the strip of fabric. "I patched him as well as I could. He'd lost a lot of blood by the time Jaeger found me." She leaned over the bed and laid the wet strip of cool gauze across Levi's forehead, patting it gently into place before she straightened and turned to me. "I've been keeping a close eye on him though, because he's spiked a fever within the last hour, and I don't know if we're looking at some sort of infection here."
I looked down at Levi, who was so still in the bed, that if I hadn't know any better, and if not for the shallow rise and fall of his chest every few moments with breaths, I would have thought he were dead. The thought made me shudder slightly. Don't think things like that, (F/N).
I glanced over to Hange again as she yawned loudly, covering her mouth and stretching her other arm over her head as if to wake herself up.
I motioned to her. "Why don't you head out? I can stay with him for awhile and keep an eye on things."
Hange rubbed a hand across her eyes. "Are you sure you're okay with that, (F/N)?" She glanced over my dirtied uniform. "You've had a busy day as well."
I nodded to her. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'll just dart into the bathroom and get cleaned up a bit and then I'll just sit beside him for awhile. I'll be fine."
She hesitated for another moment, glancing over at Levi again, and then finally turned back to me. "Okay, well, if you're sure. Come and get me if anything changes." She gave me a little wave and headed out the door, closing it softly behind her.
Once the sound of her footsteps had disappeared down the hallway, and I was sure we were alone, I let my gaze flick down to Levi's prone form in the bed once again. He was so pale. His black hair looked even darker against his pallor tone, and there were deep shadows marring the skin underneath his closed eyes. His breath was shallow, and uneven, coming in intermittent pacings. I leaned over, brushing some of his hair, damp with sweat, off of his forehead, and as my fingers trailed across his skin, I was caught off guard by how hot he was underneath my touch.
Hange hadn't been kidding when she had said he had spiked a fever.
I stood there for another brief moment, looking down at him, and then I let out a heavy sigh, stepping back from the bed as I reached down to begin to unbuckle my 3DM harness from around my waist and thighs. As I pulled on the straps to loosen them, letting the harness fall to the floor at my feet, I winced slightly, as the leather brushed over the tender blisters on my palms and fingers. I glanced down at my hands, staring at the angry red sores, and then clenched my fingers into fists, digging my fingernails into my skin, rage suddenly flashing across my vision. Why the hell was the world like this? Why did the people who deserved happiness the most always lose it? Why were we at the bottom of the food chain in this hell of a world, when all we wanted, as humanity, was to survive?
I felt something warm drip between my fingers, pulling me from my thoughts, and I looked down, seeing that I had dug my fingers into my skin so violently in my anger that I had made myself bleed. I unclenched my fingers one by one, watching as drops of red blood rolled off my palms and down my fingers, onto the floor at my feet.
Pain and anger were the only things I felt anymore. And it felt good to bleed. It meant that even though I was numb, I was still alive to fight another day.
I finished taking off my 3DM armor, and after removing my soiled cloak and dropping it to the floor at my feet, I glanced down at the rest of the uniform I wore. It was stained, and dirty, but I was too tired to do anything more tonight. It would have to do.
Crossing the room to the bed again, I lifted up the blanket gently, careful not to bump Levi in the process, and slipped underneath the covers next to him. I had made sure to lay on the side of the bed opposite his wounded side, and cautiously, I slid over beside him. I hesitated briefly, but then draped my arm carefully over his chest, pulling myself against him, the bare skin of his upper body hot against my own, even through the thin material of my shirt.
I curled up against him, burying my face in his chest, his familiar smell entering my nose as I squeezed my eyes shut tightly and let out a long, slow breath. The pulse of his heart underneath my ear, the feel of his shallow breath under my hand, were comforting. He was here. We were alive. It was all okay.
I lied there for what felt like hours, curled up against Levi, his skin warm against my cheek, my eyes squeezed closed. I didn't want to open them and face the world just yet. I couldn't sleep, but my mind drifted backward, into a memory from another time.
FLASHBACK
I pushed through the old door that barely hung from its hinges, large gaps between the worn wooden slats, and stormed into Levi's house, yelling out as I did so, "Alright, you ass. Where are you? I'm going to kill you for not showing up today."
"Oi, (F/N)."
I stopped, my hands clenched into angry fists at my side, and flicked my gaze over to the corner of the dark room, where Levi's weak voice was coming from. He was huddled on his cot, his blankets pulled up around his shoulders, his eyes red rimmed and his face tired. When he spoke again, his voice seemed even fainter than before. "Can you keep it down, dummy?"
I stomped over to him, trying to hold onto the anger I had been feeling just moments before, but noting that it was slowly but steady disappearing the longer I looked at him. He was clearly miserable.
I put my hands on my hips as I came to a stop in front of his cot and looked him over before demanding, "What the hell happened to you? You look terrible."
He coughed and laid back down on the cot, putting one of his hands over his eyes in an exhausted motion. "I caught that sickness that was going around."
I stood there in silence, watching him carefully, as he breathed shallowly in and out, coughing a few times in between. He was pale, paler than normal, and there was a sallow sheen of sweat on his white skin that glistened in the dim light of the open doorway.
I reached out a hand and peeled the covers back, before I lightly slapped his arm to make him look at me. When he did so, his dark, cloudy eyes meeting mine, I motioned to him with my head. "Move over, dummy."
He stared at me for a moment, looking as if he was going to say something in protest, but then must have decided it wasn't worth the effort to argue, because he scooted his body over against the wall on the far side of the cot.
I slipped under the covers and pulled them up to our chins again, before I glanced over at Levi, whose hand was over his eyes again, his fingers twitching slightly as he began to fall asleep again.
Moving carefully on the thin, scratchy mattress of the cot, I turned on my side and scooted over against him. I felt him tense just a bit as we came into contact, and I hesitated briefly, before letting my arm rest across his chest. We were both silent for a few moments, although I knew he wasn't asleep now, the only sound our breathing.
Finally, Levi spoke, his hand still over his eyes. "You're going to get sick, (F/N)."
I laughed slightly, the sound coming out with a slightly nervous edge. Holy hell, so this is what it was like to be so close to him. We used to share the same cot all the time when we were kids, when I had nightmares, but now we were older, Levi was leaving in a few months for the scouts, and there was something about us being this close now that felt different than all the other times before.
I shifted slightly, feeling the heat from his skin against my body, even through our clothes. "Yeah, well, it would have happened anyway." I forced myself to relax the fingers on my hand that laid across his chest, and as I did so, they brushed gently across the bare skin of his collarbone. I resisted the urge to shiver at the feel of his skin under mine, and then forced myself to say sternly, "Now shut up and go to sleep. You need to rest."
"Fine." He let out a long sigh, coughed for a few seconds again, and then grew still.
I closed my eyes, listening to his even, shallow breaths, but my heart wouldn't stop pounding and let me go to sleep.
Suddenly, Levi shifted slightly, and his hand came up to cover mine, which still lay limply on his chest, rising and falling with his breaths. I stiffened imperceptibly as he laced his fingers with mine, his skin hot with fever, and let out another long breath.
After a few moments, his breathing deepened and I knew he had fallen asleep.
But I never did, because I couldn't force my heart to stop pounding long enough to relax. And the twitching of his fingers against mine reminded me, over and over again, that there was no where else in the world I'd rather be.
FLASHBACK END
I was pulled from the memory when Levi stirred slightly in his sleep and let out a low groan under his breath. I held perfectly still, and after a few seconds, his breathing evened out again and he grew still.
My eyes were growing heavy, and the feel of his warm body next to mine was finally making me relax. It had been a hell of a long day. I closed my eyes again, squeezed closer against Levi, and finally fell asleep.
When I opened my eyes, I was standing in a field. "What the...." I muttered under my breath, shading my eyes against the bright sunlight that streamed over the treetops.
I glanced around. Wait a minute. This wasn't just any field. This was the field outside of Wall Maria where Levi and I had completed our very first scouting mission together.
The sun was hot on my skin and there wasn't even a breath of a breeze to make the hot, heavy air feel cooler. "Hell, why am I here?" I swore under my breath and began to tramp through the long grass, toward the shade of the forest trees in the distance.
As I waded through the grass, I stubbed my toe on something hard in front of me. Swearing again, I took a step backward and, bending down, cleared the grass away from the object so I could see what it was.
It looked like a rock. Wait, no....it was.....
My eyes widened and I stumbled backward from the stone in front of me. "No. It can't be..."
It was a tombstone.
Old, weathered, cracking at the seams, but still readable. And the name, carved onto the front of the memorial....'Corporal Levi Rivaille Ackerman.'
I tripped as I backed away from the headstone, coming down hard on my back in the long grass, my gaze directed up to the clear sky above me.
I laid there, the wind knocked from my chest, and began to feel the tears gather in the corner of my eyes. "No. This isn't possible."
Suddenly, a shadow fell across me and then there was someone else in the field with me, leaning over me, a distorted grin splitting their features as they looked down upon me.
"It's entirely possible. And do you know why?" There was glee behind the person's chilling words, and the grin grew wider, revealing a line of straight white teeth that gleamed in the sunlight.
The tears had leaked over the corner of my eyes and were trailing down my temples and into my hairline, warm against my skin as I lay there, unable to move, looking up at this person, who had once been my comrade.
"I don't understand....." I got out, my voice dry and cracking in my throat, the taste of bile in my mouth.
The person leaned closer to me, the maddening smile growing wider still, glee dancing in their eyes. "You don't understand?" They laughed, the sound echoing hauntingly in my ears. "What's there to understand? This is entirely possible. And you know why."
I shook my head, forcefully, the tears growing and making my vision blurry. "No, please, I don't know...." My voice was desperate, I felt as if I were going crazy.
Fingers pinched my chin, hot breath was on my face, darkened, frenzied eyes met mine, and still, the grin, gaped down at me, like the empty expression of a titan. "This is possible. Because you didn't protect him like you said you would. You failed. Face it, (F/N). You failed to protect the one thing you care about most in this world, and because of that..." The face drew nearer, all I could see were dark pupils staring into my very soul, I couldn't breathe. "You have nothing to live for."
I sat up in the bed, gasping for breath, sweat dripping down my cheeks, my heart pounding loudly against my ribcage. The room was black, my eyes darted around in the darkness, trying to see anything, desperate to know I was safe.
What the hell was that dream?
I felt hot tears start to drip down my skin as I remembered the words spoken to me. 'You have nothing to live for. You failed to protect him.'
I let out a startled gasp as fingers went around my wrist, my heart racing even faster in my chest if that were possible. And then the voice.
"Oi, (F/N)."
I felt as if instantly a band were released around my ribcage at his voice. I could breathe again. I wiped quickly at my eyes with the back of my hand and then turned to look down at him, my eyes finally adjusted to the blackness that surrounded us.
He squinted up at me, his fingers still around my wrist, his dark hair tousled and stuck to the skin of his forehead from the fever he had had earlier. He still looked like hell, but there was a tiny bit more color to his face than there had been when I first saw him. He raised an eyebrow at me. "What the hell are you doing?"
I shook my head slightly. "I don't know. Just this nightmare...."
I felt his fingers tighten slightly on my skin and then he said, his voice holding a hardened edge, "That's never happened before when I'm here."
"I know. But this was different." I glanced over at him and he met my gaze again, curiosity flicking across his features briefly as he studied me through the darkness. I swallowed hard, my mouth dry, and then went on. "I mean, every nightmare I've ever experienced since we were kids had something to do with my past-The Underground, my father." I felt my heart begin to pound again as I recalled this nightmare. This was unlike anything I'd ever experienced before.
Levi must have noticed my panic return, because he removed his fingers from my wrist and laced them through mine, squeezing my hand gently before he said quietly, "And. What was this nightmare about?"
I shook my head hard, tears starting to fill my eyes again and make my vision hot and blurry. Without saying anything else, I suddenly threw my arms around him and pulled my body tightly against his, curling up next to him, my face buried in the bare skin of his chest. "Please don't ever leave me, Levi. Don't leave me alone." I cried out, the sound muffled by the hidden posture of my head against him.
He was silent for a few moments and then I felt him slide his arm underneath me and pull me closer to him, his other hand resting on top of my head as he gently began to run his fingers through my hair in a calming manner. He didn't say anything still for several minutes, and then finally, when he spoke, his voice was low, and full of earnest, as he said seriously, "Listen to me, (F/N). I made you a promise. A promise that I would never leave you behind again. And I've kept that promise, every day of every month of every year, since I made it to you."
I let out a shuddering breath, the tears still warm on my skin. He was right. He had made me promise, and he hadn't broken it yet. He had never broken a promise to me.
I heard him take in a deep, long breath, and then he let it out slowly before he moved slightly, letting out a sharp hiss of pain between his teeth. He buried his face in my hair, and then after another moment of silence, he murmured to me, "Listen to me, (F/N). I promised you I would never leave you behind. And I don't intend to break that promise anytime soon. And when I do, I promise, it won't be willingly." I felt his lips, soft and gentle and full of promise, against the skin of my forehead. "Nothing short of death would ever make me break a promise to you. I promise you that. And I always keep my promises."
I felt the tension in my body release at his words. He never did. He never had. He'd always kept his promises.
And I knew, he'd never leave me, because he'd made a promise to me, years ago, that he never would.
And in that moment, curled up against him, the one person who I cared about the most in this hellish world, the only reason I kept living and fighting each and every day, the one person who could keep me going, who made me forget my past and all the ugly things in it, I finally, finally, felt like I belonged here.
And there was no where else in the whole world I'd rather be, ever again.