Wanderlust - Chapter 9: Chapter 9

The trip upriver went smoothly and they made it back to the ocean before winter struck. Soren continued to refuse the title of first mate, but he was doing all of the work associated with the job and for the most part the crew had accepted him with only a few grumbles here and there.
They sailed down the coast just ahead of the cold weather and celebrated the changing of the year during the long stretch of coast between Eith and Stanin. When they docked in Stanin, Tanden did his usual speech about respecting the locals before giving the men leave. As he had in Eith, he gave almost every sailor the first night off with a few volunteers staying behind. When he hopped from the bulwark, he called Soren to follow him. Their private conversations had become commonplace as Soren picked up more responsibility, but luckily for the most part the captain had kept their talks related to business.
Soren was surprised when he followed Tanden into the captain's quarters and Tanden abruptly handed him a pouch of coins. He glanced down at it, confused by the weight. "Is there something I need to buy?"
"No." Tanden flipped open his ledger and made a note. "I was looking at how much I owe the men, and it occurred to me that you've paid off your debt."
"I don't think so."
"With a regular salary you wouldn't have," Tanden agreed. "But technically I should have given you a raise when you took on the additional responsibilities. So if I add all that up, you've paid off your debt and I actually owe you a couple hundred siyas. So that's your money." He nodded at the pouch. "You're free to go, and you're free to not come back tomorrow."
Soren didn't know what to say. He'd always kept the possibility of leaving in the back of his mind, but he enjoyed working on the Wanderlust. He had friends aboard her, and he'd even figured out how to work with Tanden. With the option suddenly in front of him it didn't seem so appealing. "Captain, I—"
"We're going to be in Stanin for a few days," Tanden pointed out. "Why don't you take some time to think about it? If you come back, it'll be as first mate."
Soren nodded. "I'll think about it."
"Good. Go enjoy some time off."
So as Soren walked into the city, he thought of his options. Working on the Wanderlust was a good job, and being first mate was something most sailors only dreamed of. It would be foolish to refuse, to stay in Stanin and hope for another Ziannan ship to pick him up. The only qualm he'd ever had about the ship was having to deal with Tanden, but he'd figured it out months ago. So he was going to go back. To turn his back on such a good life was stupid.
But first he would enjoy his night off. Most of the crew would be heading for taverns or brothels, and in many cases both. Soren avoided the taverns. He didn't mind the occasional drink, like the kalay in Eith, but he still couldn't remember what had happened the last time he'd been drunk and he didn't want a repeat of the experience.
He finally found the brothel he had heard some of the other sailors talking about, and he stopped in front of it. He'd never been fond of the idea of brothels, but visiting them was pretty ingrained in the sailing culture. Besides, it would help him get his mind off of his decision to go back. And off of Tanden. He took a deep breath and walked in. The first thing he saw was a desk, and a ferocious looking woman sitting behind it. There were no doubts that this woman would kill to protect her girls.
Soren walked over to the desk. A few girls were scattered around the room, and Soren could sense them staring at him. He did his best to ignore them and looked at the woman, unsure of what to say.
She must have been used to that kind of behaviour, because she just opened the huge book on her desk and picked up a quill. She spoke in Morcean, and then sighed and turned the book around so Soren could see what was written. Luckily, they wrote numbers the way he was used to. He counted out the right amount of money, added some extra, and put the handful of coins down on her desk. The woman looked through the pile quickly before sweeping the money into a drawer and calling what Soren assumed was a name. A girl got up from the nearest couch and took his hand. Soren let her lead him up the stairs.
Soren returned to the Wanderlust early the next morning. He knew most of the other sailors would arrive later, likely nursing hangovers or trying to spend as much time as possible with their prostitutes before having to return to the ship. The port was already a busy place. Fishermen were getting ready to go out for the day, and more disciplined crews were already returning to their ships.
Soren climbed up the gangway and stepped onto the deck. He had been hoping to quietly head down to his hammock without anyone noticing, maybe try to get a few more hours of sleep before the others returned, but no such luck. Tanden was sitting on a chair on the deck, his feet propped up on a barrel. He was lazily whittling a little stick, while facing ocean and watching the little fishing ships head out. He glanced over his shoulder at the sound of Soren's boots hitting the deck, and he grinned.
Soren was suddenly annoyed. At himself or at the captain, he wasn't sure. "Captain, we need to talk." The words came out much more forcefully than he had intended them.
Tanden laughed. "I knew you'd be back." He put away his knife and got to his feet, brushing the wood shavings from his pants as he walked across the deck. "So what should we talk about?"
His reaction caught Soren off guard. "You're not going to chastise me? I yelled at you."
"I know. I didn't think you had it in you," Tanden said, with a smile. The kind of smile that Soren had worked very hard to ignore over the past months. "So what have I done to upset you?"
"You—" Soren hesitated, because Tanden hadn't actually done anything. "Nothing," he admitted.
"So you're angry at me because I've done nothing?" Tanden clarified.
"No, it's... I..." Soren glanced around. There was no one else on the deck, no one who might hear his next words, but he nearly whispered them anyway. "I went to a brothel."
"Oh? Was it expensive?"
"Aye," Soren admitted. "But that isn't the problem."
Tanden nodded, and Soren got the idea he knew exactly what the problem was. Of course he would know. "Are you going to tell me, or should I make an assumption?"
Soren glared at him. "Fine. Problem bein', I was havin' a fine time with the girl, and– Well, I was thinkin' of you. There. I've said it. Now stop with the grin, Captain, you're not makin' this any easier for me."
Tanden didn't stop with the grin, in fact, it only grew. "I love it when you slip into the Crelan accent, did you know that?"
"Not helpin', Cap'n."
"You're right. What I should be focussing on is that you were thinking of me. Can't say I'm surprised, but I am ple—"
"Tell me what happened that night." Soren made an effort to speak normally, trying to sound firm.
Tanden's eyes widened. "That night? Really?"
Soren nodded. "I need to know."
"I could tell you," Tanden said, with a slow nod. "Or, I could show you."
Soren's jaw dropped. "What?"
"That'll be more interesting for us both, don't you think?" Tanden said. He was either unaware of how absurd the suggestion was, or he simply didn't care. Soren suspected the latter.
Soren went silent. There was no easy way to answer. He wanted to know what had happened, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to do anything else. Not remembering gave him some distance from the whole event. There were times he could forget it had even happened. But if it happened again, he couldn't ignore it. He'd worked so hard to avoid this and to convince the crew that nothing was going on.
He took a deep breath. "Cap'n, I don't know if I can— if I'll still be able to work for you. If you show me what we did. Because, well, it was hard enough havin' to work with you when I couldn't remember. How am I supposed to get any work done if..."
"I've managed."
"Aye, but you're the Captain. Not to mention a West Draulin lord."
"How does that make a difference?"
"Reckon you're used to hidin' what you're feelin', pretendin' there's nothin' goin' on."
"You would figure it out," Tanden said. "It isn't difficult. You've managed to ignore my not-so-subtle advances over the past months."
"Aye, and it was very difficult," Soren admitted. "Can you just tell me what you want? I thought the advances were a game, but then..." he hesitated, because the last time they'd broached the topic was when he had told Tanden to leave him alone, and when Tanden had admitted– "You said they were genuine."
"Oh, they were," Tanden said with a nod. "I was, still am, interested. But it was part of the game, too. You get flustered and it's very entertaining. Regardless, what I want is to show you what we did that night. But, I do not want to force you into anything. So make up your mind. I can tell you, or I can show you. Either way you still have the first mate job, and I won't be offended."
Soren was at a loss. He'd tried so hard to avoid this whole situation since taking his first step on the Wanderlust, but he couldn't deny the way he felt. His night at the brothel had proven that much. But what if agreeing ruined everything? For the first time in months, Toliver flashed into his mind. He'd ruined everything by telling Toliver how he felt. But Tanden wasn't Toliver. Tanden was infinitely more complex and interesting and attractive and he returned the feelings.
Soren made up his mind and glanced away nervously. "If that's what you want, then... aye. Show me."
Tanden grinned, making Soren feel like he'd fallen into some sort of trap. But it was too late to take back what he'd said, and to be honest, he didn't want to. "Soren, mate, let me show you why you can't stop thinking about me," Tanden said, putting a hand on Soren's shoulder and leading him to the captain's quarters.
When they entered the room, Soren's gaze instantly went to the bed tucked into the back and he felt a twinge of nervousness. He wasn't ready for this, not with Tanden. What if he did something wrong and Tanden decided he wasn't worth the attention? He opened his mouth to speak and was taken entirely off guard when Tanden pushed him against the wall beside the door. He closed his mouth, thought for a second, and said, "What are you doin'?"
"Recreating that night," Tanden said. "Isn't that what you want?"
"Aye, but—"
Tanden grabbed the front of Soren's tunic, yanked him closer, and suddenly they were kissing. Any doubts Soren had harboured disappeared instantly. Merely kissing Tanden was better than the previous night in the brothel. When Tanden pulled away, Soren tried to move with him, to make the kiss last, but he was pushed back with a firm hand on his chest.
Tanden chuckled. "You did that in Deor-Morcea, too."
"Did what?"
"Tried to follow me. So, I kissed you, then I asked you to take me to your room, which you obviously did. Then, and this was actually sort of surprising, you asked if I needed help with my jacket."
Soren's attention was drawn to the numerous buttons on Tanden's jacket. Without asking, he tentatively started to undo them. It was nice to have something to focus on for a moment. Tanden's hand on his chest moved up to his neck, and Soren tensed before realizing that the captain was simply running his fingers over the visible edges of Soren's tattoo.
"I've wanted to get another look at this for months." Tanden sounded distracted and he dropped both hands to slip them under Soren's tunic. "Take this off."
"Is that what happened next?" Soren asked, trying to delay the moment. He didn't even know why.
"More or less." Tanden was already lifting the tunic, so Soren raised his arms to help shrug it off. Then, awkwardly, he held it bundled in both hands. Part of him recognized that Tanden had already seen him naked before, but that knowledge didn't make him any less nervous. All of Tanden's attention seemed to be on the tattoos. He traced the lines down Soren's right arm. "Did it hurt?"
Soren shrugged. "Aye, somewhat. But that's part of the appeal, right. It shows strength."
"I didn't realize showing strength had anything to do with the tradition. So is it more honorable to get larger tattoos?"
"Reckon so. Did you interrogate me about my tattoo in Deor-Morcea?"
"No, but I admired it and called it beautiful. Which it is." Tanden took Soren's tunic from his hands and tossed it towards the desk. When he turned, Soren continued to undo the buttons on Tanden's jacket while the captain continued to admire his tattoo. It was nice to know that the man could be distracted by something.
When he finished undoing the buttons he gently slipped the jacket from Tanden's shoulders. It didn't seem like something he should simply drop on the ground. Nautical jackets of this quality were expensive.
Luckily he didn't have to think about it for long. Tanden started walking backward, tugging Soren along with him and miraculously not walking into anything. As they passed the desk Soren draped the jacket over the chair. When they reached the bed, Soren let Tanden push him down first. He awkwardly shuffled backwards so Tanden would have room to join him. The bed was surprisingly comfortable and wide, for something tucked into the back of a cabin. Soren had a sudden thought.
"Have you had other—"
"You'll be the first," Tanden said. "I don't bring people back to the ship. Which," he paused as he climbed onto the bed and straddled Soren, who propped himself up with both arms. Soren tensed again nervously as Tanden looked down at him. "Is unfortunate, in a way. Some people aren't prepared and don't have oil." He leaned down and their lips met in a second kiss.
Something clicked in Soren's mind. As soon as the kiss ended he said, "I didn't have oil."
Tanden chuckled. "No. You didn't." He gently pushed Soren to lie back, and kissed him again. After a moment Tanden broke the kiss and nudged Soren's head back. He began to kiss Soren's neck, then trailed kisses down to his tattooed shoulder.
Soren was finding it increasingly difficult to concentrate, but he had to ask, "So if I didn't have oil, what did we use?"
"Nothing," Tanden said between kisses. "We sucked each other off and went to sleep. You were really good at it, by the way."
"What?" Soren abruptly sat up, almost knocking Tanden from his lap. "That's it?"
Tanden laughed and looped his arms around Soren's neck. "That's it."
"You've been letting me think we—"
"To be fair, you didn't want details," Tanden pointed out with an impossibly attractive grin. "And it was kind of fun, knowing you were imagining all sorts of things."
"But—"
"I wasn't keeping it from you maliciously. Had you asked for details, I would have gladly given them."
Soren was at a loss. Suddenly he was re-evaluating every part of their relationship. For months he had assumed that there had been more to that night while Tanden had known the truth. Although he had to admit that he'd never actually asked about what had happened, somehow he doubted Tanden would have been entirely honest if he had. That wouldn't have been as much fun for the captain.
"You were really good at it," Tanden cooed.
Soren came back to his senses. "Is... is that all you want, then?"
Tanden smirked. "No, mate. That's the beauty of being here. I've got oil." He leaned in for another kiss, and after a moment Soren allowed himself to be pushed back down on the bed. He was still shaken by the revelation, but gradually relaxed as the moment drew on.
The next time Tanden moved it was to shift his weight, sit up and pull his tunic over his head. He grinned. "You stared at me like that last time, too."
"But I don't remember. I might as well be seeing you for the first time."
"Fair enough," Tanden conceded. "I assume you like what you see?"
Soren nodded silently. He certainly liked what he saw. But of course Tanden would be perfect. He'd led a life of luxury, and then he'd worked on a ship. Soren cautiously touched Tanden's chest. He was so perfect the Goddess must have carved him from stone. He was a lord, after all, a perfectly—
"Soren, mate, are you just going to gape at me?"
Soren shook his head. "No. Sorry. Could we, the oil?" he muttered haltingly.
"You're certainly impatient."
"Sorry. I didn't mean to... please?"
Tanden smiled. "Don't apologize, I'm not annoyed. I'm kind of flattered, actually." He climbed off of the bed. Soren missed the warmth of him instantly and sat up to watch what he was doing. Tanden went to the tiny table next to the bed and rummaged through the drawer until he pulled out a small bottle of oil, which he tossed to Soren without warning. Then he began to unlace his boots. He glanced up and cocked an eyebrow when he noticed Soren watching him. "What, you expect to wear clothes?"
Soren quickly kicked off his boots and undid his pants. He undressed in such a rush that he was finished before Tanden, so he watched as the captain slowly pulled off his boots and take off his belt. He couldn't tell if Tanden was actually being slow or if it was just his own impatience. He wanted Tanden more than he'd ever wanted anyone.
When Tanden climbed back onto the bed, Soren tried to hand him the oil. It was clear to him who would have each role, even without discussing it. It seemed so clear that he was surprised when Tanden didn't take the little bottle.
"Have you done this before?"
Soren nodded. "Twi..." he paused and frowned. "Once."
"Who was he?"
Soren shrugged. "A sailor. I was drunk. Not as drunk as I was with you. Captain, please." He tried to hand Tanden the bottle again and was immensely relieved when Tanden took it. The captain popped off the cork and poured some of the oil into his palm before handing the bottle back. Soren fit the cork back into place and put then bottle aside.
He couldn't explain how he was feeling. Excited and apprehensive rolled together. He couldn't imagine wanting anything more than he wanted Tanden in that moment. Inexplicably, Toliver popped into his head. Toliver was nothing compared to Tanden.
Tanden caught him off guard by moving suddenly and pinning him back against the bed. Tanden kissed him, and Soren wrapped his arms around the captain's body. He suddenly felt like if he didn't hold on, Tanden would disappear or he'd wake up and find it was all a dream.
"Tell me if I hurt you," Tanden said, his voice low and husky. Soren nodded, but couldn't imagine actually doing it. Saying something would mean Tanden would stop.
He didn't need to, anyway. Tanden was relatively gentle, and infinitely better than the first sailor Soren had slept with. Soren pulled Tanden's head down for more kissing. He felt the need to remind himself it was real. His Captain, Lord Tanden of West Draulin, truly wanted him.
Tanden lay down beside Soren and took a few deep breaths before sitting, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and starting to stand. Without thinking it through, Soren grabbed his arm and pulled him back. He'd clearly taken Tanden by surprise, because the captain nearly tumbled on top of him. Tanden righted himself and pulled his arm away from Soren, but he didn't try to get up again.
"You did that in Deor-Morcea, too."
Soren couldn't tell if he was annoyed. "Sorry."
Tanden smiled patiently. "No, it was endearing."
Soren hesitated, then sat up so they could sit face to face. He nervously ran a hand through his hair. "I... I think I'm afraid that if you walk away I'm no more important than a prostitute," he admitted.
"I wasn't going to walk away." Tanden cupped Soren's chin and lifted his face for another kiss. "And you're much more important than a prostitute. I was just going to get a cloth to clean up."
Soren suddenly felt very foolish. "Oh. I can do that."
"You're not a servant," Tanden pointed out. He got up, and when Soren didn't stop him, he walked over to the same table the oil had been in. He pulled out two pieces of cloth, threw one to Soren, and wiped himself off with the other. He dropped it on the floor and returned to the bed, settling down comfortable with his back against the headboard. Soren finished with his cloth and threw it to the floor with Tanden's. Then he just stared. He figured he could stare without being embarrassed now. He'd earned that much.
Tanden smiled. "So, are you glad you finally asked?"
"You didn't recreate it."
"We still can, if you'd like." He laughed when Soren shook his head. "Too tired? You know what the real shame is, you don't remember that I gave you a blowjob. I rarely do that."
"So why did you?"
"It was only fair. You did such a good job, and you were pretty upset about not having oil. You thought I'd be angry." Tanden shrugged. "The simple answer is that I wanted to."
"I wish I could remember."
Tanden laughed. "You were really drunk. I bought you two tankards, Goddess knows how many you'd already had."
"So it's your fault, then."
"Don't pretend to be angry. If you hadn't been so drunk, would you have taken me to your room?"
Soren sighed. He might have wanted to, but he had been so broken up about Toliver he probably would have just ignored Tanden. "Reckon not."
"Exactly. And if you hadn't taken me to your room, you would have wasted away in jail. You never would have worked for me, never would have visited all the places we've seen. Let me see your tattoo again, turn around." Tanden sat up.
Soren turned around, even though he would have much rather faced Tanden. "Got a thing for tattoos, mate?"
"Apparently so," Tanden replied distractedly, tracing his fingers over the lines on Soren's back. "I've always wanted one. You're the only person I've ever admitted that to, although I guess you don't remember. But it would have to be somewhere I can easily hide. My back, maybe. Would it be terribly insulting for me to get the Crelan design?"
"Uh... Well, you're a sailor. If any Teltan deserved the Crelan design, it'd be you."
"And you'll help me find someone to do it."
"Um, aye. I can try, once we're back in Ziannan waters." Tanden's hand had dropped away, so Soren turned around to face him. "Got mine done on Crele, right. The best artists are out there, but there are some good ones in West Draulin."
Tanden shook his head. "I can't get it done in West Draulin. That's bound to get me in trouble. We've already planned a trip out to Crele. Do you like the look of tattoos?"
"I think anythin' would look good on you, Captain."
"That isn't what I asked," Tanden pointed out. "You're infatuated, aren't you? I'm that good."
"You're a cocky bastard, is what," Soren muttered, failing to hide his embarrassment. There was really no point to denying Tanden's words, he clearly knew how good he was. People had probably told him before. Soren suddenly thought of something, and he was embarrassed for a whole different reason. "Do you find it odd, then, that I'd go to a brothel and see a girl?"
"That would be very hypocritical of me."
"Meanin'?"
"Meaning that I've been with women. I told you that girl in Falmuss was gorgeous, didn't I?" Tanden asked.
"Aye, but—"
"Soren, mate. I'm not picky. That's part of why my brothers think I get bored of people so quickly. Men, women, doesn't matter to me."
"Oh." Soren wasn't sure if he was relieved or disappointed. It was sort of comforting, in a way, to hear that someone else was interested in both men and women. Soren had come to the realization that he preferred men a few years before, but he still liked women.
Tanden must have been confused by Soren's silence. "Don't let that bother you. Just because I like both doesn't mean I like you any less."
Soren sighed, looking away. "That's not botherin' me."
"Then what is?"
"Well, it does sound like you get bored of people quickly and move on. So I reckon that means, now that you've won, tryin' to... tryin' to seduce me won't be fun, and you'll move on. And I don't think I can keep workin' for you then, not after... My old captain fired me after I told him that I loved him. You knew that. I don't know how, but I know you knew that. And, I guess I'm afraid of bein' turned away again," Soren admitted, nervously dropping his gaze.
"You told me that."
Soren looked up sharply. "I did?"
Tanden nodded. "You were half asleep, and drunk of course, but yes. His loss, mate."
"You said I told you it was a misunderstanding."
"You did at first. You clarified before falling asleep." Tanden said. "Like I said, his loss. He was an idiot to turn you away for that. What was he afraid of, that you'd force yourself on him? I have absolutely no patience for people like that. In any case, mate, you've already figured me out. You've just got to keep me interested. Play the game. Make me work for it. It's more fun that way."
Soren shook his head. "But you're my Captain, I can't make you do anything."
"Of course you can. You've been doing it for months. Just keep it up, and I promise you, I'm not going to get bored. I already find you far more interesting than any of the others I've been with."
"Have you..." Soren paused, wondering if he really wanted to know. "Have you been with anyone since Deor-Morcea?"
"No."
Soren wasn't quite sure to make of the simple answer, so he pressed on. "And is that normal for you?"
"No," Tanden repeated, the word almost a laugh. "Not at all."
"So, you were... waiting for me?" Soren asked.
"Oh, I don't know. I suppose I wanted to see if anything would happen between us. I don't... at least, I don't usually, fixate on people. But you've held my attention without even trying. You're—"
Tanden stopped and glanced towards the door. Soren quickly realized what had happened, he could hear talking and footsteps on the deck as the other sailors returned. He felt a flash of fear. The last thing he wanted was to be caught.
Instead of looking worried, Tanden smiled. "Them being around makes it interesting, to say the least. Come on." He tugged Soren closer and kissed him. Soren eagerly responded, despite the men outside, then Tanden pushed him away. "They'll think we were having a meeting. It's all part of the game."
Soren nodded. Maybe playing the game wouldn't be too hard. After all, in a way he'd already been playing it. If it meant keeping Tanden interested it was certainly worth it.