What If? - Drarry - Chapter 52: Chapter 52

"And how is my little monster of a cousin?" Draco eagerly took Teddy from Harry and started bouncing him on his knee, speaking to him the way Harry did - as though he were having a full conversation. Teddy babbled back to him in fluent baby-talk, sometimes in such a serious voice that he sounded like he was really speaking. Something about his cousin made Draco happier than most anything else, even when the kid was crying.
Finally, he looked up at Harry. "How's he been?"
"One word: teething." Harry winced. "He's doing okay right now, but he's been grizzling and crying on and off ever since last week."
"Isn't there a spell or a potion for that?"
"You'd think, wouldn't you? But apparently, it's bad to use too much magic on babies. So he's just got a teething ring instead."
"Well, he'll probably be passed this stage soon, at least."
"One can only pray," Harry smiled. "On the upside, he's started using his first words."
"Really?" Draco asked excitedly, "What's he said?"
"Andromeda is 'Ga-ma', and Ted is 'Ga-da'."
Confused, Draco raised an eyebrow. "Those aren't real words,"
"Apparently, anything used to label one specific person or object is considered a word, as long as they use it repeatedly."
"Wow. Who knew? Teddy, can you say Draco? Come on. Draco." Teddy giggled.
"No way, he's saying my name first," Harry grinned. "You can say that, can't you, Teddy?" Say, Harry."
Teddy pointed at Harry. "Ha!"
"Close enough," Harry reached across the table and ruffled Teddy's hair.
"Ha, Ha," Teddy burbled happily. His hair, which had been yellow since they had arrived, now turned messily brown. It still caught Draco off-guard when Teddy changed his appearance like that.
When Draco looked back up at Harry, he noticed strain in the skin around his eyes. He looked tired.
"You okay?" Draco asked.
"Why?"
"You don't look too good."
"Thanks," Harry laughed a little, but Draco persisted.
"I know you, Harry. I can tell when you're feeling down about something."
Draco watched Harry closely. Teddy, sensing Draco tense, stopped babbling. Harry sighed.
"I'm just tired. It's nothing, really."
"My arse."
"Language! Young ears are present, Draco."
Teddy, sensing they were talking about him, giggled at Harry's chastising tone.
"If you don't want to tell me, that's fine," Draco continued, "But don't bother lying. You've never been good at it."
Harry's jaw clenched. Then he started to talk. "All my life, there was a purpose to my existence, and I knew what I needed to do, and why. I had to defeat Voldemort, and then I could live my life. Then I did it, and now, I'm stuck. There's no reason for me to be alive. There's no plan. Just me, eating out of habit, sleeping for something to do. Existing. I'm watching my friends leaving me behind, carrying on their lives like they know what to do. And I can't fix myself."
Draco met Harry's eyes, and something jolted inside him. He didn't know what to say.
"You're..." He searched for the right words. "You're only feeling like this because you're not used to normal life. For everyone else, there's never been a plan. They just get on with what needs to be done at the time. You feel like they're leaving you behind, but really they're just doing what they've always done. They can't understand that you don't know how to do that."
"Ha," Teddy agitated to be given back to his Godfather, and Draco obliged, passing him to Harry, who held him tightly to his chest.
"That doesn't help me learn to do it," Harry said.
"You'll get there. Really, you will. Of course, you're going to have to adjust for a while. We all are. But it will get better."
"When, though?" Harry readjusted his hold on Teddy, who was beginning to grizzle. Draco threw his hands up.
"I don't know. Hell, I'm still trying to figure myself out. You think I don't sometimes lie awake at night, knowing that if I died right then, it wouldn't matter even the tiniest bit? You think other people don't wonder what their purpose is? You'll find something that gives you a reason eventually. I mean, you've got Ginny. Surely that helps?"
Harry surprised Draco by looking even more tired at the mention of his girlfriend.
"Ginny-" He sighed. "She wants to move on from the war. She can move on from the war, and it pisses her off that I can't. I can't blame her. It's hard for her with me holding her back."
Teddy started to cry. Harry reached into the bag he'd brought with him and handed Teddy a teething ring.
"Sorry to hear that," Draco said.
"Not your fault," Harry looked at Teddy. "Is that better now?" He asked, looking his godson over with a tense expression. Draco had an idea.
"Surely you can see Teddy as a reason to live? He loves you, and he needs you now more than ever, after losing his parents. Maybe see if you can have him over more or something, that might help?"
Harry thought for a moment, then gave Draco a small smile. "That's a good idea. Thanks."
Draco smiled back. Then found himself feeling something dangerous. Practically beating back his emotions with a stick, he ignored the intrusive thoughts that snuck through his mind as he and Harry continued to talk for a while. Eventually, however, Teddy became too restless to stay still and Harry started getting ready to leave. Just as he started to walk away, he stopped and turned back to face Draco.
"You're the only person who I've talked to whose actually understood how I'm feeling right now. You have no idea how much it's helped to talk to someone who doesn't think I'm just lazy or something. Thank you."
Draco smiled a little. "It helps that I'm feeling pretty much how you are right now. Glad to know I could be of service."
"I'll see you next week then?"
"I'm not going anywhere."
Harry smiled. "Cool."
0o0oHarry0o0o
Despite the general chatter around the huge dining table at the Burrow, Harry felt as though he and Ginny were sitting in a bubble of silence. Across the table, Ron and Hermione were chatting animatedly to them, hands tightly intertwined between them as they ate their dessert single-handedly. They were saying something about the shop - no, now they were discussing... Harry shook himself, trying to remain focused. But even if he'd fallen asleep, he doubted they would have noticed. They were talking more to each other than to him and Ginny.
Harry couldn't help comparing his and Ginny's relationship to the way it had been with Draco. Even a few days ago, when he and Draco had been talking while Harry visited,  Harry had felt more understood than he had done in quite a long time. He hadn't felt lazy, or stupid. He'd felt normal.
After dinner, he and Ron sat by the fire, alone together for a moment. Harry was reminded of another time he'd spent sitting by the fire, talking to Ginny in the dead of night. It felt like a lifetime ago.
"How's George holding up?" He asked Ron, who's face instantly became taught.
"All of us miss Fred, obviously. I mean, I catch mum crying sometimes when she thinks no one sees her.  I do too, I think we all do. It's been better since the funeral, I think. But George-" Ron breathed out heavily through his nose. "I don't know how to help him. I'm scared we'll never get him back."
"Do you even see him now?"
Ron shook his head. "He barely allows anyone into his room. Mum brings him food, and sometimes he eats it. But we couldn't get in there even if we tried. He's too sad and too good at magic for us to even get close to his bedroom."
They shared a look, years of friendship making it easier to communicate without words.
"He'll get better," Harry said eventually.
"Yeah."
Neither of them sounded convinced.