What If? - Drarry - Chapter 54: Chapter 54

Harry grinned at Draco when he entered the meeting room, feeling pleased when the gesture was returned. The simple exchange would have seemed out of the question when Harry had first started visiting, but over the months since he'd been seeing Draco, a friendship had solidified between the two. Before Harry reached the table where Draco sat, he placed Teddy on the ground, and watched proudly as he walked on shaky legs towards his cousin. Grinning, Draco reached out to Teddy as he neared the table, and as soon as he was close enough, swung him up into the air.
"You clever, clever little thing!" Draco said, "You're the finest walker I ever saw!"
"Certainly an improvement, isn't it?" Harry said happily, remembering the last time Teddy had attempted to walk while they visited Draco. "No nosebleeds today, fingers crossed."
Draco grimaced, settling Teddy onto his knee. "Let's hope so. How've you been?"
"Actually... pretty good," Harry smiled. "I'm going to start coaching twice a week now."
It had been Draco who'd suggested, a week or so after Harry and Ginny had broken up, that Harry should try volunteering to give him something to do. It was the first time anyone had thought of it - most people just told Harry that he needed to just get a job and stop slouching around - and when Harry had seen an advertisement for a volunteer to help coach a kid's Quidditch team, he'd taken it as a sign. A month and a half later, it still surprised him how good it felt to be doing something productive.
"I'm so glad you're enjoying it," Draco smiled. "I don't want to say I told you so, but..."
"Yeah, yeah," Harry rolled his eyes. "I know you did."
"One of these days, you'll finally realise that I am always right."
"Oh, step off," Harry waved Draco away good-naturedly. "So. How're things on your end?"
"Same old, same old, I guess. I saw Blaise on Monday. Did I tell you he's starting a newspaper?"
"Yeah?"
"He got into the idea of journalism, but he's the sort of guy who likes to be his own boss, so he wants to actually own the company, and that means creating it himself. Never one to do things by halves, old Blaise."
Harry nodded, impressed. "I hope he's successful. A good newspaper is a rare and brilliant thing."
"If anyone can do it, he can. But he needs sponsors and investors, and he seems to be having trouble finding them."
"Really? You'd think that everyone would be a bit more careless with money now, when the post-war feeling is all about."
"Thing is, a lot of people want to start their own newspaper at the moment, seeing as the  Profit's gone, so it's hard for him to stand out."
"I see." Harry said. "Well, hopefully he'll get something sorted. I'm sure he will."
"Yeah. He'll figure something out." Draco focussed on playing with Teddy for a few minutes, before saying off-handedly; "In other news, I started seeing a psychiatrist."
Harry raised his eyebrows. "Why?"
"Why?" Draco snorted. "Harry, I'm about as fu- messed up-" Draco corrected the swear word for Teddy's sake, "as a human being can possibly be."
"What do you mean?"
"Want a list? PTSD, childhood trauma, daddy issues, paranoia," Draco ticked off on his fingers. "Hey - that rhymed. Maybe I can put them in a song so I'll remember them better."
Harry couldn't understand how Draco was being so lighthearted. "You don't seem like you..."
"...Have issues? Neither do you, from just talking to you, but I'll bet you're a psychologist's wet dream. Surely you can't believe anyone in our generation could come out of the War with no damage done to them? And you're probably the worst affected of all of us."
Harry mulled over Draco's words. "When are you seeing this psychologist?"
"I saw Emma for the first time yesterday, and I'm seeing her again tomorrow."
"Is she okay?"
"Yeah, she's really nice. She seems to know her stuff."
"What do you even do in a counselling session?"
"Well, this one was mostly just an introduction. There's a lot of talking. I think sometimes we'll use a pensive to look at important memories. My main priority right now is to stop the nightmares."
Harry blinked. "You get them too?"
Draco nodded. "Almost every night. Or at least, every night when I can even get to sleep."
"Reliving memories?"
"Kind of. They're like a distorted version of events. She doesn't want to diagnose me with anything yet, but Emma said I might have something called 'Complex PTSD'. I'm not sure exactly what that is yet, but I guess if I have it, I'll learn about it."
Something clicked in Harry's memory. "Ron said something about PTSD ages ago. We were saying how we keep reacting really strongly to normal things like a loud noise, or lights flashing-"
"For me, its worst when people raise their voice," Draco said. "Something about shouting seems to trigger things in my brain, and it's suddenly like..."
"...Like it's all happening again. Like you're back where you were, and you can't escape."
Draco nodded. "You can see why it can be difficult to deal with in a prison environment."
"Oh, yeah," Harry bit his lip."That really sucks."
"Eh. I'm just glad I'm not in Azkaban."
"I guess," Harry shrugged, not really convinced.
"Draco."
Harry and Draco stared at Teddy.
"What was that, Teddy?" Draco asked. Teddy pointed at him.
"Draco."
Draco and Harry looked at each other in amazement. Then, a huge grin lit up Draco's face.
"He knows my name!" Draco laughed. "Teddy, what's my name?"
"Draco," Teddy said, again.
"He really knows it!" Draco hugged Teddy to himself and looked up at Harry with a thrilled expression. Something deep inside Harry lurched.
PTSD forgotten, the conversation moved on to other topics. It was almost as easy to talk to Draco as it was for Harry to think, and unbidden, the conversation brought back memories of the hours they had spent talking during their time at Hogwarts. In the end, it was only Teddy's restlessness that made Harry reluctantly stand, and gather his things.
"Hey," he said before he left, "I'm... uh... really proud of you. For getting help for everything."
Draco smiled as he stood up to leave too. "Cheers. Emma said that if you accept that you need help, you're halfway there. So I guess that's comforting."
Harry bit his lip.
"What is it?" Draco asked, and Harry breathed out heavily.
"Are you gonna... I mean, will you tell her about..." He looked at Draco, whose eyebrows rose in comprehension. They were both turning red.
"Um," Draco swallowed. "I guess I hadn't thought about it? I mean, do you think I'll need to?"
It was the first time they'd mentioned their relationship in over three years. It felt wrong to be talking about it here, in a prison meeting room, with Teddy Lupin grizzling as he looked between them both, sensing the unease.
"Look, could you just... not tell her? I mean, if it does come up, for whatever reason." Harry asked, finally.
"You're still scared?" The phrase was a question, but it sounded more like a statement.
"Of course I'm still scared. Aren't you?"
Draco's eyes seemed to pierce through Harry as they watched each other.
"I won't tell her," Draco said, at last, and Harry nodded.
"Thank you."
"But can I ask why?"
Harry thought, trying to explain why he felt the way he did. "Because," He was finding it difficult to look at Draco, and concentrated on the floor, wishing his face would cool down. "What happened between us... It's ours. And..." He tried to put the sentence together, but couldn't. "It's ours," He repeated, eventually. He looked back up at Draco, who nodded.
"Okay."
0o0o
Teddy cried for the entire journey back to Andromeda and Teds' house, and by the time he handed the bawling kid over to his grandparents, Harry felt wiped out. Apparating back to his apartment, he walked in, closed the door, and stood.
A million tangled emotions raged inside him, but he didn't have the energy to sort through them. When his thoughts approached Draco, a swell of feeling made them skitter away again in fear. Maybe it was the fact that they'd discussed what had happened between them - albeit in a roundabout way. Or maybe it was just the new familiarity they had found. Whatever it was, it was terrifying. With sudden decision, Harry approached the large mirror Hermione had insisted he place in the living room (to make it feel larger than it actually was), and closely inspected himself. With practised ease, Harry cast several spells which changed his appearance just enough to cause uncertainty about who he was - lighter hair, brown eyes, and most importantly, the disappearance of his scar. It was the same alter-appearance he'd worn in the weeks following the end of the War to avoid the press, so he barely had to think to cast the spells. Grabbing his keys, muggle wallet and jacket, Harry headed briskly out of the door.
The Lion was only a couple of streets away, and Harry reached it within minutes of leaving the apartment. The rainbow flag in the window stood out in the grey, dreary light of pre-evening winter, and Harry was grateful for the warmth as he pushed open the door. Walking to the bar, he sat down and looked around.
The bar was small enough to feel personal, but large enough not to be cramped. The energy in the room was infectious.
"Hey," A voice came from Harry's side, and he turned to see a handsome guy, about his age, with dark skin and short dreadlocks framing his face. "Can I buy you a drink?"
Harry smiled. "Absolutely."
0o0o
Hermione groaned, covering her face with her hands. "You idiot..."
"I know, I know," Harry grimaced. "I just got scared."
"And then what happened?"
"I woke up after him, so I couldn't sneak out. He'd made breakfast. We talked a bit and he's really nice, but I told him I didn't want anything... anything else. And he was fine with that, so I went home."
Sitting back in her chair, Hermione took a long drink of coffee. Then, she smiled.
"What?" Harry asked, a sheepish smile picking at the corners of his own mouth.
"It's just a very Harry thing to do, that's all. Look, you're acting like this is a big deal, but it really isn't. Actually, what you did was a really normal thing to do."
That surprised Harry. "Running off and having sex with a random guy to forget about someone else?"
"Well... yeah."
"Okay, but what do I do? About Draco?"
Hermione shrugged. "I guess you'll just have to do what you think is right. But, I mean, say you did decide to ask him out... what's holding you back? His dad's not an issue anymore, the war's over, and you're both adults now."
Harry shook his head, something in him panicking when he thought about what Hermione was suggesting.
"But why not?"
"I just... I don't know."
"Is it because he broke your heart last time? Because you know it's different now. That situation was out of your control, but-"
"Hermione, stop! Please, I just don't want to talk about it. I'm just going to ignore it, and carry on."
Hermione rolled her eyes. "That is the dumbest-"
"Really, drop it."
"Fine," Hermione purses her lips. "But don't say I didn't warn you."
Harry decided to change the subject.