Why the Straight One? - Chapter 46: Chapter 46

"Do you know how hard it is to get a royal family to travel to another country?"
"Yes I do, so stop making excuses." I rolled my eyes at him even if I knew he couldn't see me. I wanted him to feel my scorn even through the phone.
"I have a very valid-
"It's my birthday, asshole. Come to my palace!"
"Because that doesn't sound at all pretentious."
"Thomas." He whined, and I laughed at his different methods of persuasion, each just as bad as the one that came before. "If you don't come it's going to be boring as fuck."
"I know I'm the life and soul of any party, Jon, but when you invite me, you invite the family. And that is where the difficulties lie."
"But you can figure it out, right, Tom? For me?" The little asshole knew exactly what he was doing. I was too loyal for my own good to anyone I could call a friend. What he didn't know was how long is been trying to work up the courage to tell him I wanted to be more than friends.
"I could use my charm, I suppose. But what's in it for me?" I had already decided to convince my parents to go. Right then and there, I decided that on his fourteenth birthday, I would tell him how I really felt about him.
"The joy of seeing me." We both burst out laughing, but not for the same reasons. He didn't know how right he was. I'd do anything to be able to spend time with Jonathan.
"You better bring a present."
"My presence is a present, and don't you forget it. We'll be there." I promised.
"Yes! I knew I could count on you. I already have a bunch of pranks lined up for us to do. This is gonna be the best birthday ever."
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The sound of the key in the lock is what woke me. I sat up, looking around in a confused, half-asleep daze. The sound persisted, but I couldn't understand why. Why was someone trying to get into my room? If it's Jonathan, I swear to God I'll...
It wasn't Jonathan. I'd have given everything in the world for it to have been Jonathan pranking me. I'd have given the world for it to be anyone other than who it was.
If only I had known that the sleep I was woken from would be the last sleep I ever spent in innocence. The last time I could close my eyes at night with nothing to keep me awake.
I couldn't understand what he was doing in my room. It became evident much too soon.
—————-
I stared blankly at the ceiling above me, waiting for everything to register. Nothing felt real, this couldn't have happened. But the pain...that was more than real.
I knew one thing, I had to get off this bed. The sweat that covered my body was beginning to dry, everything about this bed was disgusting, and the longer I lay there, the more I began to register my situation. My head suddenly began to ache, my body felt hot like a fever was coming on. Each second I lay there the faster my heart began to beat, and the quicker my breaths came.
I pushed myself off the bed whimpering in pain, but determined just the same. I had to wash all of this away. Maybe then this feeling that was settling in my stomach would go away. Maybe if I could just wash it all away, it would be like it never happened.
I'd been in the shower for ten minutes before I realized that it was pointless. No matter how much I scrubbed, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get the feeling of his hands off of me. I felt him still. Felt everything that had happened. I would forever be tainted by him.
But I still had one more mission. No one could know about this. Not even the servants. I did everything I could to clean the sheet so as to leave no sign of what had happened. The very thought of them finding out sent the first wave of shame coursing through me. That feeling remained the whole night.
When I finally did everything that could be done, I stood there in the middle of the room. I brought my hand up to my face, and was surprised when it came away wet. Had I been crying all this time?
"Men don't cry." My father's voice rang in my ears, but it was no use. It was then, as I was left with nothing but my thoughts, with nothing else to busy myself with, that the full weight of everything came crashing down on me.
I sank to my knees, holding my head between my hands. Desperately trying to maintain my sanity. I felt like my head was going to burst. My body was screaming in pain. And the confusion and shame that I had been trying to keep at bay finally overpowered me. Tears poured down my face, and nothing I could do would hold them back.
Princes didn't cry.
Men didn't cry.
"I'm not a man!" I screamed at the ceiling. "I'm just a boy, and none of this makes sense." I muttered, pulling my knees towards my chest. By now I was laying huddled on the floor, a sobbing mess and a disgrace to my father.
Something changed in me that night. Something was lost that could never be recovered. I didn't fall back asleep. The night stretched on. The longest night of my entire life. Finally, just as the sunlight began streaming through the curtained windows, I fell into a fitful slumber.
—————
Waking up on the floor of my room was the most disorienting and unexplainable thing that had ever happened to me. That is, until the memory of last night came rushing over me. Immediately I felt nauseous, and rushed towards the bathroom. Wave after wave of nausea rolled over me, and by the time my stomach had settled, I was left completely drained on the floor of the bathroom.
Everything hurt. Just getting up from the ground was almost too painful to bear. My face in the mirror looked almost nothing like me. My mind felt detached from everything, like I was watching some other teenage boy staring at himself in the bathroom mirror. At least I had stopped crying.
My phone rang, and I slowly made my way back into the bedroom, avoiding looking at the bed at all costs.
"Thomas! How the hell are you still asleep? It's gonna be my party soon. Get down here." Funny how life was still going on. I felt like I had spent an eternity in the darkness of my room. Jonathan seemed so young and happy. Was it only yesterday that I had been the same way?
"I'll be down soon."
"Are you okay? You don't sound so good." I almost laughed.
"I just don't feel very good." Massive understatement. "See you in a minute."
—————
I was finding it hard to act like everything was okay.
I had tried all morning to act normal, but Jonathan hadn't been fooled. He thought I should lie down, I quickly disagreed.
I had to make a run for the bathroom again the first time I saw Jasper. The overwhelming amount of emotions I felt when I saw him resulted in me heaving the contents of my empty stomach into the nearest toilet.
One of the emotions was anger, but that wasn't half as prominent as the utter fear I felt when he was standing close to me. I was terrified, absolutely and utterly terrified that he would touch me again. He didn't try to talk to me, but I felt his eyes on me on more than one occasion.
"Thomas. Are you okay?" I spit the water I had had been swishing around in my mouth out, cringing at the horrible taste that remained in my mouth.
"I just haven't felt well all day." Jonathan's blue eyes were clouded with concern, and he put his hand on my sweaty forehead. I stepped back involuntarily, and he dropped his hand awkwardly.
"Sorry. You're very warm though. Have you eaten today?"
"No I haven't, but I'll be fine. I'll probably go to bed early." I turned around, using the pretext of trying to fix my appearance as a way to avoid looking at him.
"I think that would be the best thing." It's not like I was going to sleep, though, I thought bitterly.
"Thomas, I wanted to talk to you, but this is the first time we've not been surrounded by people since you got here."
My shoulders tensed, my heart rate picking up. Did he know? He couldn't possibly know. Why would his dad—
"I know this isn't the best time. Actually it's not a good time at all. But I made up my mind and I need to say this." He was muttering to himself, trying to work up the courage. He didn't seem like he was about to accuse me of what happened last night, but I kept my face away from him, not wanting to have to face him if he did.
"Thomas, you've been my friend for a long time. The best friend I could ever ask for, especially after my mom died. But Thomas, I—well recently, I haven't really seen you that way. I don't mean you aren't my friend! It's just that I was hoping...well, I'm not sure what I want, but I want to let you know that...I like you. And not just as a friend."
Oh the irony. The bitter, cruel irony.
Had this been yesterday, I would have been overjoyed. This was exactly what I had been hoping and praying for. But yesterday might as well have been a lifetime ago. So much had changed.
It was the cruelness of it all that made me laugh. A laugh I couldn't recognize and have never heard again. It was bitter, angry, and so empty of the type of emotion Jonathan had been perhaps expecting.
"You like me?" I turned to face him.
"Yes..." He was looking at me with concern in his eyes. I was still laughing, and he didn't quite know how to take that. Neither did I.
"And why the hell did you think that I was into guys?" Understanding dawned on his eyes, but he looked at me in confusion.
"Thomas, we've talked about gay rights before, and I thought-"
"You thought that because I didn't say much about it that I must support it?" I took a deep breath, trying to control my anger. I wasn't mad at him. Don't take it out on him.
"Well, I always hoped that-" I made the mistake of meeting his eyes. His eyes that he had inherited from his father.
"Because I would never support something as disgusting as that!" He flinched back, and any other time that would have made me instantly regret everything. He'd already dealt with so much of his father's anger in his life. But now, I was beyond caring.
"There is nothing in me that would ever want to be with a man! Just the very thought is sickening." Now it was. I didn't know why I was letting this all out on him. On the boy who had, until last night, been the one I had dreamed of someday dating.
"And what? You're gay now or something?" It was the way I said it that finally made Jonathan snap. The utter contempt in my voice was too much for him to take lying down.
"Yes, I'm gay! I've always been gay, and if I had known this was how you felt I would never, ever have been friends with you. I should have known it! What with your dad and everything he's instilled in you."
"If we really want to get down to our fathers. What about everything he's done?"
"How the fuck does that relate? This is about you being a complete asshole when I expected someone who would understand! You don't have to like me, but for gods sake, you have no reason to act the way you are acting right now."
"No reason?" I was fuming. I had every reason in the world to be angry. To hate the very idea of liking a man. "What did you expect, Jonathan? That you'd admit your feelings and that I would for some reason say the same thing, and then we'd kiss and become boyfriends?"
The look on his face proved that he had hoped for just that sort of scenario. The same scenario I had dreamed of so many times. He had tears in his eyes, but he was trying desperately to keep them back. I'd never seen Jonathan cry before. Both of us had been raised to never show how weak we were. The full force of everything I put him through only hit me later.
"What the hell, Thomas?" He was looking at me in utter bewilderment, his pure blue eyes broken and betrayed. "What happened? Why are you so angry at me?"
"Stop acting like a child!"
"I am not the one acting like a child here. Don't bother coming back to the party. And don't bother spending time with me after the party like we planned. You've ruined everything, Thomas. Fuck you."
He stumbled out of the room, tears blinding his vision. Only then did I let my own tears fall. I really had ruined everything.
I didn't bother talking to him again. I left him alone like he wanted. And really I didn't blame him for wanting that. Even as I sat in the corner of my room that night, eyes transfixed on the door in fear that it would open again. Even as I longed for a friend to hold me that night. Even though my heart was slowly closing in on itself, I didn't go to him. I was too ashamed of how badly I had hurt him when he didn't deserve it.
But I couldn't spend that night alone. Fear and disgust left me shaking and too frightened to stay anywhere where he might find me. I tried to have Raymond let me into his room, but he reacted just how I should have expected. I was too old to be scared of the dark.
My last option was one I would never have imagined. But really, I had nowhere else to go. I knocked on his door, and a few seconds later it was opened. I looked down at his tousled hair and bleary eyes.
"Hi, Tommy. What's up?" To my nine year old brother, the thought of a sleep over was still exciting. Especially when someone so old wanted to spend time with him.
"I was thinking of a sleepover?" His eyes lit up, and he almost jumped with joy.
"Hell yes! Oh, I mean...heck. Yeah, I meant heck." I ruffled his hair to show him that I really didn't give a damn what he said, and jumped into his bed.
"Lock the door." I warned, and he obeyed without question.
I didn't sleep that night, but Elliot's steady breath calmed me. I watched the door the whole night, afraid that he would break in and hurt us both. I wrapped my arms around Elliot's tiny body instinctively. No one would hurt my brother.