Why the Straight One? - Chapter 48: Chapter 48

"And Elliot..." His eyes shone in the half light of dawn that filtered through the curtained windows. He was no longer crying, but his eyes looked tired. Utterly exhausted by the emotions his memories had dragged him relentlessly through.
"Well, he's the youngest, and as such was treated a lot differently than the rest of us. He saw our father quite a bit more, was allowed things that we couldn't even imagine, and when he told our parents that he was gay, was accepted almost instantaneously.
I....well, when he got a little older and was his happy, carefree self, I resented him. He was everything I could never be. He was happy, accepted, and had nothing keeping him back from falling in love with a man. I hated him.
So, when Jasper first started suggesting to my father that he was interested in him, I...was almost happy. A sick version of the emotion that disgusts me now. I wanted...fuck...I wanted him to feel like me. Something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, and yet something that I momentarily considered for my brother.
So I didn't stand up for him until too late. By that time, too many wheels were in motions." He sighed, squeezing his eyes shut as he collected his thoughts. I squeezed his hand a little tighter, and he reciprocated the movement. While he talked, we had moved to be laying facing each other, my hand in his the only comfort I had been able to offer thus far.
"But you did stand up for him near the end and thats what matters. Don't beat yourself up about this. I don't think it would have changed much even if you had argued with your dad from the very beginning." I placed my hand that wasn't held in his on his cheek, and he leaned into it, closing his eyes.
"But it's not too late, right? Can't we do something for him now?" His eyes snapped open, and not even the darkness of night could hide the determination that shone from them.
"Yes we can! We are going to get him away from the bastard very soon."
"Then that's settled." He nodded, but his eye still held the guilt and pain that I didn't know how to take away.
"You know, for all the protesting and speeches I made throughout the years, I'm shit at getting my emotions across. At least, not when it counts. Will you let me show you a song that says everything I've been wanting to tell you?" His eyebrows rose in surprise, but he nodded softly.
I had get out of the bed to find my headphones, and I felt the reluctance in the way his hand left mine. I wanted nothing more than to hold onto him and never let him go, but i knew that would be too much for him right now. All I wanted was to know I was there.
"Does that mean I have to use your headphones?" He asked when I slid back into bed next to him, his hand slipping into mine as soon as I was settled into place.
"Just one of them." He tried to lighten the mood with his expression, but the burden of so many years of sorrow still shone from his eyes, his face still showing all the signs of the grief he had been through.
After putting the headphone in his ear, he lay back against the pillow, waiting for the music to start. My hand shook as I looked through my music, afraid that perhaps this wasn't the best plan, but really, it was all I could think to do. Something to show him what I felt without weighing him down with my attempts at consolation.
The soft piano of the intro flooded my senses, and I kept my eyes on his face as he closed his, letting the music fill his mind.
"Did you lose what won't return?" His eyebrows drew together, and for a moment I thought that I had taken it too far. But the song was playing and there was no going back now.
"Did you love but never learn?
The fire's out but still it burns
And no one cares, there's no one there
Did you find it hard to breathe?
Did you cry so much that you could barely see?
You're in the darkness all alone
And no one cares, there's no one there
But did you see the flares in the sky?
Were you blinded by the light?
Did you feel the smoke in your eyes?
Did you, did you?
Did you see the sparks filled with hope?
You are not alone
'Cause someone's out there, sending out flares"
I didn't notice them at first, too caught up in the slight changes in his features, but as the song progressed and as his hand gripped mine tighter, I saw the tears flowing unchecked down the sides of his face.
"Did you break but never mend?
Did it hurt so much you thought it was the end?
Lose your heart but don't know when
And no one cares, there's no one there"
It felt right to roll over then and wrap my arms around him. To feel the way he clung to me. To put my mouth next to his ear and say the words to the chorus that I knew by heart.
"But did you see the flares in the sky?
Were you blinded by the light?
Did you feel the smoke in your eyes?
Did you, did you?
Did you see the sparks filled with hope?
You are not alone
'Cause someone's out there, sending out flares
Someone's out there, sending out flares."
The music died down, and we were left in the silence that followed. I felt his tears on the side of my face, but didn't bother trying to wipe them away. He took a deep, shuttering breath, and I felt his chest lift beneath me.
"God! You can't show me songs like that when I'm already emotional." His voice cracked, and the tears continued to fall from his eyes. I lifted my head up, putting my hands on the pillow on either side of his head.
"You are not alone." I needed him to know that. That after ten agonizing years, he had finally let it out. He finally was able to make someone else feels the horrors he felt. "You're not alone anymore."
He closed his eyes, letting my words sink in. For the first time that night, his face looked calm, all the emotions that had played havoc through him now gone. I leaned down and kissed his lips as gently as was humanly possible. He sighed into my lips, pulling my body closer to him.
I wiped his tears the best I could, kissing his cheeks and forehead as I did. Eventually the tears stopped, either from exhaustion or because he had no more tears to cry. I thought he had fallen asleep, his breaths fell so evenly, his face so calm.
"Thank you." He whispered, so softly I barely heard it. I didn't answer, just held onto him and let him drift into the first sleep he had had in days.
———————
"Do I look like shit?"
"No, babe you look-" he raised his eyebrows at me, and I knew he wasn't fooled. "Well, you don't look like shit, but you look like you maybe had one too many last night."
"One too many breakdowns." He muttered, walking back into the bathroom to stare at his red rimmed eyes, and tear-stained face.
"Well, you don't have to come downstairs until the chauffeurs come." We has decided to have a car from the palace come and pick us up this morning instead of one of us driving.
"But I want to say goodbye to your dad."
"Well, go ahead. Believe me, he's used to crying. Look at his son."
"You don't cry all that often." He walked back into our room, sitting on the edge of the bed. I crawled over from where I was at the head of the bed, wrapping my arms around his neck from behind.
"I cry about a lot of things, but I cry whenever you cry."
He tilted his head to the side to look at me, his eyes a mixture of emotions. Finally, he spoke, his lips only inches from mine.
"You're heart is too soft to watch someone in pain without feeling that same pain. It's like you have the capacity to feel the weight of whatever burden it is that someone might...that I might be bearing. It's a wonder you can contain that big of a heart."
I was breathless in surprise, staring into his soft eyes, the brightest I had seen them in days. But he wasn't looking for an answer, instead twisting his body so as to be at a better angle to kiss me.
The angle was awkward, our bodies in odd positions, but the kiss was perfect. A conveyance of our emotions, of our feelings for each other that we had not the words to say.
When it came time to say goodbye to my family, I felt the pangs homesickness in my heart. Before I ever walked out, before my mothers arms released me, I was already longing to be home with them. But not as intensely as the first time I had left. Because before I was leaving everything behind me, and now I was only leaving behind a part of my heart.
———————
"So, when are we leaving?" It was the next day. We had gotten home late in the afternoon and had both, immediately fallen asleep, worn out from the night before. It was late morning now and we had just come back to our rooms from breakfast. I was about to call Cam to see how his holidays with Jay had been when the thought struck me.
"Leaving?" He looked around the room as if to say, 'we just got here'.
"To see Elliot." I clarified.
"Oh...well, I suppose tomorrow, but about that, Alex..." He twisted his hands together, letting his sentence trial off.
"Yes?"
"I don't think you should go." I looks up from my phone, now fully aware of the conversation I had only been half participating in.
"Excuse me?"
"It's going to be dangerous. We aren't going to see Elliot, but to free him. And with everything that will be going down, I think it's best that you stay." I scanned his face, searching for some sign that he wasn't serious, but only finding grim determination.
"So what? Elliot is my friend, and I promised him that I would be there for him."
"And you can be. You can be waiting at my estate for him, and we will send him back before any of the confrontation with Jasper begins."
"That's not the same! So, you want me to stay on the sidelines while the rest of you help Elliot?" I was angry now, the dismissal in his tone infuriating.
"It's not the sidelines." He sighed, as if annoyed by my lack of understanding. "I'm just trying to keep you out of harm's way."
"And I appreciate that, but I'm not going to abandon my friend just because you are paranoid." His eyes hardened a the last word.
"I'm not really asking what you think. You aren't going." I stood up angrily, furious at the commanding tone in his voice.
"And since when did this relationship become you giving out orders for me to follow?"
"Alex, this is for your own safety. If you are there, you could get hurt."
"Then I'll take my chances." His jaw clenched in annoyance, and he took a deep breath in through his nose.
"No, you won't, and you aren't coming. That's final."
"Like hell I'm going to listen to you! Just because you were born a prince doesn't mean I have to obey your orders."
"Actually it does, because I can, and I will have you kept here at the palace, with or without your cooperation."
I felt the anger coursing through me, felt the blood rushing to my face as I fumed under his words. His eyes were hard, his resolve unflinching. How could he be such a different man in such a short amount of time?
"And so what I feel about this means nothing to you?" Something flickered in his eyes for a moment, but before it could take over, was pushed away by the glare he sent at me.
"Not in this regard. Your safely is more important than your feelings."
"Oh for fucks sake! My safety? It's not like I'm going to go throw myself in front of Jasper while I'm there. I'm not an idiot. But I will not stay at home while everyone I care for is in danger."
"Yes, your safety! Don't you understand? This is civil war! It won't be pretty. Real danger comes along with it. The possibility of injury of death as well. I won't risk you being there." He was angry, almost as angry as I was, both of us willing the other to see things from their point of view.
"That's not your decision! This is my life. My choice! And I choose to go along and protect my friend."
He turned away, anger showing in every line of his body. I took a deep breath to try and calm my anger, watching as he chose his next words with deliberation.
"It may your life, but when you married me, we became as one. And so your life is mine. Your safely my own safety, and I will not allow you to go." He turned towards me, finality clear in every word.
I didn't answer him. Choosing to ignore the way he waited for my response. Holding on the the one decision it seemed I had left to myself. The right to speak or not to speak.
"Alex?" He finally asked. It was like he was expecting a nice, obedient answer. Like if he left it long enough I would come to my sense and follow along like the good husband I should be. He took a step closer, his anger fading while mine only mounted with each movement he made.
And for the first time first time in my life I was looking at him with nothing but anger in my heart. No love, not gratefulness that he actually cared for my wellbeing. Just pure, uncontrolled anger.
"Fuck off."